• http://www.geokaz.com geokaz

    One of my favorite games to play in the grocery store here in Utah is musical magazine covers. If you don’t know they put these black plastic covers over all the raunchy, cleavage shots of magazines in the checkout aisle like Vanity Fair, Cosmo, etc. When I go, I switch them to cover up things like Star, LDS propaganda, and TEEN. Because, in my humble opinion, that stuff is way more dangerous to your children. It rots the brain. A little vicarious boob shot never hurt anybody (at least those of us who are already going to hell along with our children, the spawn of satan).

  • http://www.katielauren.com katielauren

    How super sweet would you feel if you were the girl on the cover of that book? I don’t know if I’d rather be here or the lady in the herpes commercials.


  • http://www.fivebyfivephotgraphy.com Scott Murdoch

    No way! I didn’t believe it for a second until you posted the link to the real thing. Now I’m wondering if you made up that whole page too! In any case, it’s wonderfully insane!

  • inyourversion

    We were discussing notions of the second coming in my British Lit class the other day, and my professor pointed out that many people believe you have to take all of yourself to heaven. This includes any lost teeth, removed organs, etc. I can just imagine all the cute Mormon teeny-boppers saving their teeth in little tins so they can be first on the bus to the pearly gates and not have to waste time. How awesome will THAT be?

  • http://www.CadensCastle.com Donny

    Raised a pastor’s son, one thing I never was able to get is WHY I want to go to heaven. I realize the streets will be paved with gold and we’ll all have mansions and get to sit around God’s throne telling him how holy he is for all of eternity, but for some reason that just doesn’t seem too enticing to me.

    When the Bible was written gold wasn’t as common place as it is today. To be honest, gold streets don’t fit my sense of fashion. I think I’d find them tacky.

    As for a mansion, I live in what those in Biblical times would consider to be the Garden of Eden. So there’s no motivation there either.

    Lastly, sitting around God’s throne telling him how great he is for all eternity just doesn’t get me going. I just looked: I’m still flaccid.

    Nah. I think I’ll just keep sinning. It’s a lot of fun. And then when I go to hell perhaps you all can join me. I hear there will be an open bar at Lucifer’s Lounge!

  • http://www.poopandboogies.com William

    There is something very strange about a book with “second coming” and “How Awesome will it be” on the cover.

    Since it is a guide for teens Im sure it covers the four horsemen of the apocolypse, War, Famine, Death and Acne.

  • http://almost30.blogspot.com agnieszka

    I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like I would like to be drunk while reading the book.

  • http://www.monkeythoughts.com monkey

    Jeez…in a grocery store where all the lovely tabloids are supposed to be, no less!

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com The Mighty Jimbo

    for catholic teenagers the second coming is when you hook up behind the cabins with that girl/guy/priest at youth group retreat.

    oh man. going straight to hell.

  • http://www.CadensCastle.com Donny

    If they leave me said property, I will only shoot SOFT porn in it. Promise.

  • http://www.CadensCastle.com Donny

    When the Rapture occurs, can I have all the property that currently belongs to the Mormon Church?

  • http://blogs.salon.com/0004595 Meg

    That’s a pretty solid sentiment along evangelical lines as well. Except that they prefer to focus on everyone else that gets “Left Behind.”

  • dilettante in distress

    Deseret Books ROCKS.

    You can buy “I hope they call me on a mission” themed socks for the devout youngster


    And I bet these “Young Women Values” socks would make a lovely gift. Pity I can’t actually read the values in the photo. Is that intentional?


  • http://rivetergirl.blogspot.com rivetergirl

    You mean that some teenagers don’t worry about the second coming? Really? Wow.

  • http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.com/ L.

    Oops! Typo — extra “member” in my comment above!

    (Giggle, Snort. “Get it? Member?” Heeheehee!)

  • http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.com/ L.

    “What`s white and flies through the air?”
    “The Coming of Christ!”

    (Giggle, Snort. “Get it? Coming? Cumming?” Heeheehee!)

    I learned that from a fellow member of my junior high school Catholic choir member.

    And people wonder why I decided to raise my kids Catholic after all!

  • http://www.randomandodd.com Kristine

    Is it just me or does that girl on the front of the book look haunting like Claire Danes?

    Would that make Jared Leto Jesus?

    ABC could come up with a new show, “My So-Called Mormon Life”

  • http://cmoonchild.blogspot.com cmoonchild

    My first Dooce comment. Hooray!

    I’m not Mormon, but the girl on that cover scares me. A lot. Her eyes are way too big. Please make it stop.

  • Rebecca

    I’ve been reading your Weblog for months now, and have never commented but this one I can’t resist. I’m divorced from a man who was raised in the Mormon Church but left it after he went on his Mission. His family was, and still is, a network of proper God-fearing temple Mormons. Living though 6 years with that family was hell; in part because not only am I a heathen but also Catholic.

    Just wanted to say thanks for the chuckle. It’s always good to laugh about something that was not so good at one time . . . And also, having lived in Utah for 6 years, I feel your pain. I’m now single, at 30, and living in Seattle. Hallelujah!

  • http://www.mymixedcompany.com Lynnlaw

    I’ve chosen an amazing handbasket for us.

  • http://pickleness.blogspot.com Stepha1202

    Thanks, Heather. Now you’ve got me thinking about changing my status from evil-doer. But is it possible to do since I tongue kissed before marriage?

  • Ramona

    I attended a very strict Protestant school and my eighth grade English teacher read to us from a book called, “The Third Millennium.” My first thought was, “It can’t be the end times yet! I won’t know what happens on Models Inc.!” We also watched this movie called, “Pamela’s Prayer,” in which a daughter is raised to believe that even kissing should be reserved for her husband. Ahh, that teenage wasteland.

  • http://bobobanjoey.typepad.com Joel Cheatwood

    I was raised in a pentecostal family and taught that I should long for the second coming…somehow the opposite occurred…it scared the bejesus out of me…literally! I remember hopeing against hope that there might be some kind of two minute warning before Christ actually returned so I could quickly atone and not get left behind.

  • Kristen in Colorado

    Don’t teenagers realize that a Second Cumming is just a myth??

  • ieatcrayonz

    What, no italics in the comments?

    To clarify: “noticing that boys can either be PLAYmates or that they can be playMATES.”

  • http://homegrown-insanity.blogspot.com crzylady

    I knew mormons were effed in the head, but I guess you have to be REALLY self assured to want to read that book.

    We I was little we were raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses (aren’t you so excited for me). Fortunately I was so young I can block most of it out, but my older sister still tells me how scared she was because JWs believed (or did until their numbers grew) only the obscure number of 1,000 something (wow and I have a degree in religion, you’d think I’d know) would go to heaven and she was terrified because she knew she wasn’t going to be in that number.

    What a lovely way to fuck up your children.

  • laurellz

    hahaha thats awesome

    i greatly admire your strength

  • 14themonkey

    Not all morman kids are so goody-goody. I grew up in western Washington, where there was a fair sized morman population and I remember drinking beer and passing the dutchie with more than one morman kid. But maybe that’s just Washington grunge-mormans.

  • http://truthasavirtue.wordpress.com truth

    OMG Heather! This is absofrickinly hilarious! I cannot stop laughing! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face as I munch on my lunch at my desk at work. HAHA!

  • ieatcrayonz

    Thank you for this. I’ll be sure to put that on the list of books to buy my daughter and scare the shit out of her when she starts noticing that boys can either be playmates or that they can be playmates.

  • http://soulgardening.typepad.com/ Tammie Booth

    I was raised in the fundamentalist Christian church and they are really just as nutso as the Mormons. I remember being in second and third grade and praying for the rapture not to come before big events like birthday parties and outings.

  • http://hibiscusfire.blogspot.com hibiscusfire

    Amen, Sparkle Motion.

    And how can they be so happy about it? They get “raptured” while some poor starving kid in Africa or the nice little Jewish lady next door or the atheist ER doc who saved their life last week or the scientist who designed the antibiotics they took in their childhood or those nice gay boys who came out with the newest line of banana republic slim-fitting jeans…they’re all going to burn burn burn while prious Christians watch on gleefully.

  • http://lifewithmimi.blogspot.com Mimimom

    OMG! My sister is married to a quasi-mormon (although I never see him actually doing ANYTHING that makes him a cheater . . whatever . . .) but I am SO totally going to ask him if he read the masturbation pamphlet – fun! She has grand plans of walking down her stairs while her in-laws are over (all 500 of them) with a martini in one hand and a ciggy in the other to freak them all out and I think there could be some good material here for her.
    This just fascinates me – that people actually beleive this stuff is just fascinating to me – they sure are on target with their marketing – no one said the mormon church was STUPID. Sheesh.

  • http://www.justsayjes.com jes

    what if, like, the second coming doesn’t come when i’m alive? and then, like, i’ll be all ashy or decomposed and my hair will be a mess, and then, like, my portrait for my celestial marriage won’t look so good in my castle, like, on my planet.

  • LucyArin

    When I saw this, all I could think was, “wow, I bet they look at her strangely when she whips out the camera and starts shooting pictures in the check-out line.” They might arrest you for behavior like that here in Ohio.

    Thanks very very much for the laugh. I’m going to hell too for not believing every single thing that the Catholic church preaches. See all you cool folks there.

  • http://jenorama.com Jenorama

    Oh My Heck! I would hate for LDS writers to get Left Behind with the whole bad Rapture literature out there. That would be a real shame.

    But admit it, Heather– you LOVED Jack Weyland books, now didn’t you?

  • filmgoerjuan

    I almost don’t have the heart to tell her that she’s not going to Heaven in her pyjamas! I mean it’s not just Kirk Cameron and his ragtag Tribulation Force that are being “left behind”.

  • sparkle motion

    Ugh, this is a big part of the reason that I have no religion. How can such a ginormous number of people believe that of all the different beliefs in the world, everyone who does not subscribe to theirs is damned to suffer the Armageddon, or whatever it is they think. And why do they choose to worship such a punishing god who would “leave behind” so many millions who never had much choice in the matter of what their beliefs were? (eg, people born in regions where there is no exposure to christianity…of course, i guess that’s what missionaries are for, and yeah, what a swell effect they’ve had overall).
    I could go on and on, but I won’t. But I could.

  • http://www.eighthourlunch.com Eight Hour Lunch

    *Sigh*. When my own Mormon mother sees my evil pierced beardiness, she is often moved to exclaim, “I can’t wait until the Second Coming. This world is soooo evil, I can’t wait until it’s over.”

    Maybe this timeline will look familiar to you:

    Devirginification: 25
    Coffee: 29
    Beer: 30
    Freedom from a mind-fucking cult: priceless.

  • http://www.helllonwheeels.com MsShad

    Am I the only one who read it as “second cum…ing?” And yes, how totally awesome I thought that was!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/tigershanshan TigerShanShan

    A masturbation flyer? This was mentioned further up in the comments. I’d like to see that? Why can’t girls do it? We aren’t “spilling our seed” or whatever that language is in in the Bible…or maybe I’m that confused about my own anatomy?

  • Taegan7879

    I think the Masterbation Pamphlet is given to the missionaries before they leave. My brother just turned 19 and is thinking of putting in his papers… if he gets that, I’ll ask him to send it to me, LOL.

  • http://perpetualstateofflux.typepad.com Lola Sticksel


    It’s like “The Day After” but only the righteous will survive.

  • http://mrstalkington.blogspot.com Amybobamy


    Utah is like a different universe isn’t it?

    I drove through SLC a few months back… even the guy at the Pizza Hut was a little off. We kept driving obviously…

  • rockr girl

    like, oh my gosh, heather. that is seriously, like, the greatest thing i have ever seen! i SOOO want that book! for realz, though.

    however, being the self-appointed bus driver for the party bus to hell (we’ve got kegs in the back, ya’ll!), i am really hoping that this Second Coming you speak of happens while i am still young enough to enjoy all of my friends who will reside with me in Hades. i imagine with all the heat, there will be little clothing and lots of cold beer – so i’d better still look good and be able to hold my liqour!

  • Portia

    Oh Dooce! How you entertain me! I’m married to a “recovering Mormon” though I was never Mormon, I worked for a Mormon dentist for a few years…

    I have to say your religious posts are my favorite! And I have to ask…. Do they wear those classy underwear in the Celestial Kingdom? When my husband gets home, I will definitely be asking about the masturbation pamphlet. I didn’t see in the LDS section of books at the local Wal*Mart. ha!

    Thanks for your site! I love it! And thanks to the ads for Big Love, I wait every week with anticipation and wonderment of what you might comment.

  • http://karinka1.blogspot.com Carrie Johnston

    Why don’t I know about the masturbation pamphlet? My calling is with the youth, for crying out loud!

  • http://ladybug4791.tripod.com/ladybug/ Lady Bug

    I was just SURE that was a Photoshop job, ’til I saw your comment, dooce. And now I’m just…stunned. And a little giggly. Hee.

  • http://rs536-2000.diaryland.com RS

    I love that there’s a book on that site about Group Dating! Such fun.

  • http://www.thenewmiamian.com MiamiGirl

    Hey this looks like a great group going to hell, even if we are burning, we will have so much fun making fun of those people who aren’t there. I grew up Southern Baptist with damnation taught to me three times a week…some how I escaped. My Mom constantly says to me, “I know where I’m going.” Yeah, she knows where she’s going, after she just gossiped about one of the ladies in her Sunday school class.