Job opening
Tuesday morning we drove down to the local CBS affiliate to give an interview about my book to the news during the noon hour, and when we walked into the studios we immediately recognized the smell of Mormon Church. This is not uncommon in Utah, for certain buildings to smell of wooden pews, starch, and carpet cleaner, an aroma particular to Sunday meetings at an LDS church. Could be similar building materials, but it could also be that this is what Mormons smell like, and before I even finish this sentence I should probably ask myself, Heather? Really? Do you want all that email from angry Mormons who take offense at being described as smelling like a warm casserole fart?
We arrived early because that is how I operate, although do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys? Every pocket on his body, every pocket in the six pairs of pants scattered on the floor in the bedroom, every pocket in every jacket hanging in the closet. He looks like he's flagged himself for a security check at the airport and is patting himself down to make sure he's not concealing a deadly weapon.
We waited in the lobby for someone to come out and point us in the right direction, and when the receptionist answered a call on the speaker phone we both buried our heads into our iPhones to pretend that we weren't listening. Except, we couldn't help but listen because it wasn't just an ordinary phone call. It was a hate phone call. An emotional hate phone call. A hate phone call threatening to sue someone because the captions on certain Saturday evening shows haven't been working. Where is the person in charge?! They wanted to know! NOW! WHERE ARE THEY, DAMMIT! SHUT UP WITH ALL YOUR EXCUSES! I'll admit, for a second I thought I had entered some weird dimension where the comments section of this website had come alive and was now being read aloud through a telephone.
And that's when the entire right side of my face began to twitch involuntarily.
The receptionist handled it remarkably well, resisted the understandable human urge to shout back NO, YOU SHUT UP, kept assuring this very unhappy consumer that they as a local affiliate have no control over whether or not those specific shows feature captions, but the caller was undeterred and viciously shouted things like, "NO! NO! NO!" and "SUE! SUE! SUE!" and even threw in a growl for good measure. When the receptionist tried politely to wind down the conversation the angry person hung up abruptly. The best part? The angry person WAS A RELAY OPERATOR, meaning this was a person hired to communicate for a deaf person. Having once worked a job where I routinely answered phone calls from the public, I can honestly say that I've never heard a more dedicated relay operator. The ones I encountered were very stoic in their delivery, uninterested at times, usually monotone in delivering another person's commands. But this one, my god, she knew how to communicate an emotion! And I thought, this is exactly what I have been depriving my hate mailers! They deserve better from me!
So I'm thinking of hiring a relay operator who will once a week stand a foot away from my face and read the hate mail that has collected over a seven-day period. She should be passionate, dedicated, capable of spitting her T's and S's and F's into my eyes when reading aloud the following angry sentiments:
"Since the 'F' word is your favorite, that is the grade I give your website."
"You are so pathetic. I feel sad for you. I think you should change the name of your site to bored.com."
"You are the reason why the government should be able to regulate who can have children. How tragic for your daughter."
"Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel."
"Get a life idiot! You got fired for being a stupid whore!"
And then once it's all over, once she has calmed down and I've managed to walk around the block a couple of times, we can hug, agree that the both of us were having a bad day, and then go out and grab a beer and laugh about how stupid all that was.
I think I just figured out how to fix the Internet.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Eric Hegwer said:
ME Me ME ME ME ME!!!
2. Daddy Scratches said:
Tell you what: I'll take on that job if, in return, you'll scream at my kids for me; I'm tired of saying the same things over and over and over.
3. Bethface said:
Well I think you are perfectly lovely. So to balance all the hate that you are sent everyday here is something nice.
You seem like a wonderful mother.
Your beautiful!
4. teamSloan said:
This idea is fantastic. How does one apply? I will move my husband and I out to Utah JUST SO I CAN BE THE VOICE OF HEATHER B. ARMSTRONG and help you piss off even more people while also touching the lives of others. I realize this is a daunting task, one that I feel perfectly capable of fulfilling.
Have I mentioned that I am outrageously animated, irreverent, and good-looking?
AWESOME.
5. Kate said:
I love when you put specifics from your hatemail in a post. Hee!! Seriously- if you don't like the site- MOVE ON!
6. Jennie C said:
RELAY CALLS!!! Hahaha - I completely forgot about those. I worked in a call center for 8 years and had probably a total of 10 relay calls. I had such a hard time with the first one because I was young and scared and didn't know I couldn't talk to the relay operator. She was so frustrated with me. "Don't talk to me! Talk to the customer!" That was a very funny snippet for the day. Thanks - I needed that!!!
7. Caren said:
I wonder if the the relay operator had their BFA in acting & it was the only gig they could get. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of conversations that person's had to assist. I wonder if they've to sign a confidentiality agreement.
8. mediumcrazy said:
I would be so curious to see the expressions on the faces of these hate mail people. Are they pounding on their keyboards and feeling legitimate anger? Are they smirking and sneering and making cackling Gargamel sounds? Do they do this all the time? I mean, GAH...it's so verbally abusive. Dooce you have a much thicker skin than I do. (And cooler hair.)
9. ann cannon said:
You were radiant at The King's English last night. Fantastic job! And best of wishes.
10. Windy City said:
It's about time we had another hate mail post, misspellings and all!
11. Carrie said:
I am in the process of working on my resume and demo tape.
12. Milla said:
PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME! i can growl. grrrrrrrrr. see?
13. wyliekat said:
"Since the 'F' word is your favorite, that is the grade I give your website."
RELAY: "You madam, have an F jutting from your website."
"You are so pathetic. I feel sad for you. I think you should change the name of your site to bored.com."
RELAY: "I'm depressed and I think you should consider renaming your website to help me feel better."
"You are the reason why the government should be able to regulate who can have children. How tragic for your daughter."
RELAY: "I'm an unemployed bureaucrat looking to create my own position."
"Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel."
RELAY: "Out! OUT DAMNED SPOT!"
"Get a life idiot! You got fired for being a stupid whore!"
RELAY: "Hi, I'm Donald. Donald Trump."
14. Cindi said:
Jobless, living in SLC, loves to read, can pronounce CRAYON correctly (after living in the south for 4 years), funny, loves beer and is an amazing hugger. When do I start?
15. KAS said:
Job accepted. Thanks for the consideration and I look forward to working with you.
Fuckin' right.
16. Ann said:
You are a genius. Are you going to take applications soon? Now, THAT interview process would be FUN!
17. mama wants more said:
Someone needs to invent a device that automatically filters the negative comments so they never actually get to you--a hate mail spam blocker. The things you say make a difference to a lot of us moms out there so please ignore the idiots that simply don't get it. Good luck on the job search.
18. Kate said:
I seriously don't get where anyone comes off cussing you out for anything you say on here. You crack my Ass up...boring...???? I've yet too experience boring from you.
19. karishma said:
bwahahahaha. how amazingly awkward. but y'know, this is the entire reason i love you, that you can take something like this and MAKE A POST out of it that makes me laugh.
20. MB said:
I think you meant "You're nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel." Instead of "your."
I've rarely seen typos here.
Cum laude. English. BYU.
Good job!
21. Stephanie said:
While awkward at the time, being witness to weird situations is the best! I'm still shocked that people actually write hate mail. Don't they have real lives and stuff to do? If only I had the time.
22. Phoo-D said:
Have you thought about compiling a hate mail book? I bet you have enough content and it could be a comedy, tragedy, and drama all wrapped in one. You just can't make that stuff up!
23. MB said:
Oh. You were quoting your poorly-educated hate-mailers. I see.
24. Jen said:
All I can do is laugh right now.
25. Regina said:
I generally avoid the comment sections of websites. If your local "newspaper" were online at azcentral.com, you would, too. It is unbelievable the crap people will put in a comment.
But my point here, is that it totally sucks that people have said those things to you in your comments and reading them totally made me want to give you a hug. Stay strong.
26. esmith said:
oh. my. shit. ahem, now that i've picked myself up off of the floor. what about getting your mom to fill the position?
27. Amy said:
Well - since the 'F' word is one of MY favorites, I'd just like to say that I think you're FUCKING AWESOME! These hate mail posts always make me laugh :)
28. Katherine said:
Could that person read them to US? Just video your new employee as he or she reads the mail to you.
Is it wrong I hoped that's where this was going? I don't want you to receive hate mail! But I do love when it's shared. (And I enjoy your videos.)
I'm sure a BYU drama student could use the cash. :)
29. Lindsey said:
Oh my god! I just told my girlfriend the other day that I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I "grew up".....now I do! I can certainly deliver the hate mail with serious venom, I am just not sure I can keep from falling over in hysterics afterwards. It's just so funny to me that they are so angry.....
30. Kristin A. said:
The last one is my favorite.
I don't know how you do it! i, too, wonder where they look like. i think it's funny that they can get so worked up over a website/blog. arent there better things they can be doing? like pulling petals off daisies?
31. Dogmom said:
God, you crack me up. You dirty piece of whiny drivel.
32. Michelle said:
I can't believe that people actually say that crap to you. If anyone harasses you about having kids, just send them to me. I have seven and I am pretty sure we say the F word around here 77 times as much as you do. But my husband is a fireman and I think it is in their training manual. Whenever they get together, it is a f word fest.
33. Jenae said:
It's so sad that people feel the need to say such terrible things to someone...especially someone who is clearly being sarcastic
I think your website is fantastic! I will always enjoy every bit of it as long as you keep writing.
34. Fae said:
Hm. I bet "bored.com" is already taken...
35. Jocey said:
Ooh, pick me! Just imagine all that hatemail being shouted at you in a Minnesotan accent.
36. Mary@Holy Mackerel said:
Well, I for one love your blog, and think you are a great mom, even when you don't think you are.
Obviously, these haters are too involved in their own selves to think too much about anyone or anything else.
I would love to have one of these people working for me. Just think of the calm.
37. Lauren said:
Really??? They couldn't find anything more constructive to do than send hate mail? Come on, people...if you don't like the site, why do you stick around??? Leave more bandwidth available for those of us who do!!
38. Denise said:
Dooce, you are the best. I so wish I could write like you. But, since I can't, I will continue to be a faithful reader of all your genius posts. Awesome.
39. cornbean said:
i drink beer and i'd be happy yo spit whatever you want.
40. Megs said:
I just started to read your blog! Its brilliant! So glad to find a real perspective from a real mother... nice to know I am not the only one!!
41. eva said:
"Whore" (why you got fired OBVIOUSLY) and "Bore" (what you are!) rhyme...there has to be something to that, no?
In conclusion if you want a Canadian from your favourite Canadian city (Vancouver!) to read out hatemail and add in bonus Canuck-style excessive apologies please let me know.
42. Kirsten said:
I can't believe that people can be so cruel. Whatever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. And if they do believe those things, why do they keep coming back? Don't like something....don't read it!
I'm happy that you can take it all in stride. I don't know if I could have as thick of skin.
43. sara said:
I just stumbled across your blog a few days ago and I have to say I love it. I very much appreciate your realistic view of motherhood and it gives me hope to know that I'm not the only one in this world that approaches it that way. I will most certainly keep reading!
44. Brenda said:
What confuses me most... shouldn't your standard response simply be "Bite me, I figured out how to make money by pissing off losers like you who keep reading my site!"
:)
45. CapreeK said:
First, let's address the phrase "warm casserole fart". I've never heard a more apt description of THAT SMELL in all my life. It seriously does smell like the collective explusion of the previous day's funeral potatoes. All at once. By every person in that damn chapel.
Secondly, I would love the job of relay operator. I'd like to think that I can spit my S's and T's with the best of them. Please consider this my formal application.
46. Amy said:
My brother was a relay operator! He will hook me up with training, I'm sure. Beers on me! Uh, when you're done gestating, of course.
47. Mandy said:
I don't think you're required to acknowledge any comments/emails from anyone who can't properly spell or tell the difference between you're and your (or it's and its). It's a general rule I've acquired and would be happy to share it with you.
48. Funky Kim said:
Where do I apply?
But I'd have to change one thing. Instead of going out for a beer afterwards, I prefer to go to the Tavernacle for a peartini. They're divine!
49. Dani said:
Well now that's a novel approach. I just got my very first angry comment on my blog today. At first I laughed because this person was clearly a kook but now it's getting me down.
I realy admire you for putting up with this stuff and at least atempting to laugh at it. It takes courage to keep putting your self out there.
The internet loves you just ignore the kooks.
50. Mrs Soup said:
Brilliant!! I would apply in a HEARTBEAT! What a great job that would be!
51. Alex Awesome said:
I find it hilarious that people tell you to get a real job, or that you were fired for x. I know it's cliche to say they're just jealous, but that is the ONLY explanation. Who the hell wouldn't want to be able to look back at their miserable office job and go, "yeah, who's laughing now, fuckers?" Especially now that you're making way more, can support your family, stay at home with your husband and kid, travel, write a book, and take silly pictures of your dogs. That is a CHARMED LIFE. I can sort of see why they might be bitter and angry and try to bring you back down. I can also see how you would find their ineffective flailing to be totally, totally hilarious.
Just have Jon field your hate mail with a classic Ghostbuster's quote: "You are like the buzzing of flies to Heather." If he can do it with an accent through email, that's even better.
52. Bodnoirbabe said:
Screw the self-righteous assholes. I want to be like you when I have children!
53. meowsk said:
Best job ever. Where do I apply? I think my skills could finally be put to use.
54. Penny said:
For every hate piece of email you get regarding the mormon smell thing, I think there will be at least 10 of us who secretly love it. More casserole analogies, please.
55. Yeti said:
Brilliant.
And I love beer.
I also suggest you make sure they have a midwest or southern accent.
56. Kristan said:
Clarification: the disgruntled caller was the relay operator, right?
Also, to your one hate mailer: Do you have any idea how expensive it would be to buy bored.com?!
57. Becky said:
For a minute there I was excited that you were going to employ one of these hateful e-mailers. You already know they're qualified, and they must be unemployed to have time to read and write someone they hold in such contempt. A win for the economy!
Then I got to that last part and realized with disappointment that none of your hate-mailers are qualified after all. A hug and a laugh would be beyond them.
58. asia said:
The reason the relay operator was so much more emotive was because she was a video relay interpreter, not a TTY typist.
I am a sign language interpreter myself and I work for a video relay center placing exactly the kinds of calls you witnessed... and so much more! I can do phone sex, break-ups or proposals. I can break the news that your loved one has cancer and/or just died, is in jail, or is begging for your forgiveness. I can argue with bill collectors, demand compensation, call 911, make/break appointments or negotiate a drug deal... provided, of course, that what I say is what you intended be said.
If you want your hate mail read with that kind of venom I think I could find it in me, even if it isn't exactly interpreting. Plus, we could compare baby bumps. Awesome!
59. erin said:
Oh yes, and she needs to be able to fill in the different dialects and accents too!
60. Holland said:
I will definitely be able to help you out with that as I too worked in the customer service department of a large company which shall remain nameless. Let's just say large equipment was involved.
Now, I can yell at you in a Tennessee accent if you like (GO VOLS!) or Texan. I am about to move to Atlanta so I can work on the sweet Southern Belle thing too. Your call.
Yelling in any accent but a Southern one just won't suffice. Curse words just don't come across the same when there isn't a drawl to it.
61. Kaylyn said:
Pick me! Pick me!
62. Johnna said:
Would 7 1/2 years of previous relay operator experience give me any advantage? And yeah, the conversations one hears at that job are interesting. Who calls 900#s at 7 a.m. anyway?
63. Nicole said:
I don't want the job, but remember last week when you Tweeted about that AOL article and the emails you were getting?
Can you please post more of those?
Thanks a bunch!
64. Becca said:
OMG Heather, THANK YOU! I just laughed my butt off. I was reading along, wondering why a person who is obviously not deaf cares about captions so passionately and then you said it was a relay operator and I laughed so hard I snorted!
I'll apply for the position of weekly harassment if you'll fly me from Alaska...or maybe we could do it over Skype and just have Chuck lick your face for the spitting part???
65. Rena said:
That is hilarious!
66. Mary Anna said:
Please ensure he/she tells you how things are spelled. To me, that's a large part of the joy of hate mail.
I used to love getting passed the "difficult" callers. My favorite response is always "I'm sorry you feel that way." I use that one in just about any situation! My friend was verbally assaulted by a former coworker's husband at the grocery store one day. When he finished, she replied, "I'm sorry you feel that way" then walked off. It would have been better, though, had she misspelled something.
67. Angela said:
Hilarious!
I too live with a husband who must pat down his pants, jackets and perform the flight of the bumblebee in order to locate his keys, wallet and cell phone each and every time we leave the house.
While arguing with the relay operator, did she say "over" each and every time? I remember a relay operator getting upset with me when I forgot to say "over" when I was done telling them, "No sir, I will not shove your satellite dish up my ass. And no, we will not turn your satellite service on until you pay your outstanding bill.......oh....ah.....Over."
68. Rini said:
Holy Shit. That made me chortle.
I think I'm in lust with you.
And I don't even swing that way.
Keep kickin' ass, Heather. Let them haters keep on hatin'.
69. squandra said:
I'm a local TV news producer, and oh, God, it is EXACTLY like that. "Ma'am, I'm afraid I have never met Charles Gibson." Every day. And you can't hang up.
I've never likened answering the news hotline to fielding Web comments, but yep, there it is. They both attract the dumb and the crazy.
70. Orange said:
You need to hire the guy who reads that angry teenager's breakup letter aloud on YouTube. Just Google "dramatic reading of a break-up letter" and you'll find it.
You might also have someone use Simpsons voices to read your hate mail. Sanctimony is much more pleasant in Comic Book Guy's voice.
71. tanya kristine said:
yeah...my dog used to have that VERY same look when his father and i fought.
awww....
72. Aunt Tasty said:
You ABSOLUTELY just figured out how to fix the Internets. That's impressive, Dooce!
73. Lara said:
You know, I just don't get it. If people don't like what they read here, then isn't the simplest solution just to NOT
READ IT? Why read it, get all annoyed, then waste energy writing hate mail? Of course, I say this knowing that I agree with 99.8% of your opinions, I'm not Mormon, and I find you quite entertaining. Maybe I'm biased.
74. Anonymous said:
Heather..you are my hero! Those idiotic people that keep sending you hate e-mails should be very afraid of your superpowers.... Go on with your bad self girl!
75. meg said:
I'm really good at spitting, just ask my kids. There...I just spit while screaming at them.
76. Bailey said:
I am always appalled at how rude some people are to you. It just seems so incredibly ridiculous and I don't know how you stand it. Maybe things would be different if they had to send a picture ID along with that nasty comment. Or maybe not; an asshole will be an asshole no matter what.
I look forward to reading your blog every day because it always makes me happy; thanks for that!
77. BouRboNiSta. said:
I just wanted to say that I happened to be watching the interview on the said CBS affiliate station and I about fell off the couch laughing when you mentioned to Debbie Worthen (I believe that was who you interviewed with) that you considered yourself a recovering Mormon living amidst the Mormons. What followed was something I consider to be an awkward silence that was heard from my living room to the top of the statue of Moroni.
Kudos to you for speaking your truth while living in the land of Zion.
78. Susan said:
Ooo! Hire me! Just don't make me wear clogs :)
79. kate said:
Heather- I have been reading your site for going on 4 years now. And I think that you are amazing. And funny. And well spoken. And a terrific mom.
Hatemailers be damned.
What I have yet to understand is if you cannot stand what you are reading, then WHY ARE YOU HERE?
That little x in the red box on the top right of your screen, click it.
Sheesh.
80. repliderium.com said:
HALLAFUCKINGLUYA!!! (Wait- does "fix the internet" mean that all of the stupid people are banned now?)
Oh how I wish.
ps- my captcha for this comment is "stump man" and for whatever ridiculous reason this strikes me as dirty and funny as hell.
81. Sasha said:
I used to be a relay operator. The ones like the girl you got to listen to? We got the raises. :)
82. Beth said:
First of all, if I'm going to take time out of my day to write hate mail it is going to be something far more important than a blog post. Like 'hey Cheesecake Factory, your lemonade made my son throw up in the mall'. You know, something like that.
Secondly, I've always admired your ability to handle hate mail and I hope when I finally get important enough that people actually hate me that I will handle it as gracefully.( I doubt that will happen if I keep writing in run-on sentences).
Thirdly, I think you should get World's Best Avon Lady to read your hate mail. It could provide for some important maternal bonding. Or, let Chuck eat them and shit 'em out later.
Still loving your blog after four years of reading it.
83. Lauren said:
Every time you post about hate mail it shocks me. I can not believe that people would write things like that. The fact that you can turn it around and make something funny just proves how amazing you are.
Don't let the haters get you down!
84. Jessica said:
#1- i found your blog today...i havent stopped reading it yet. its hillarious, true, honest. i love it.
#2- I cannot believe the relay op. I work in a call center and they are very blah and monotone! I cant imagine them having an attitude or any emotion!
#3- I love the hate mail reference. You should keep a collection, publish the book and make millions, those hate mailers would not be happy...itd be great :)
85. Kelli said:
LOL! Warm casserole fart. Un-far-chun-ut-lee I totally know that smell.
86. Mommica said:
MOMMICA
Objective: To obtain the position of Hate Mail-Reader.
Education: Trained by a bitter mother, two older sisters who remember the divorce, and five younger siblings who represent all the different kinds of crazy. I can speak for everyone.
Work Experience: My first job was working the drive-thru at a KFC. 'Nuff said.
Interests: Reading, yelling, spitting, hugging, drinking beer.
References: My husband, who will assure you that I am very good at expressing ALL KINDS of emotion.
87. Adrienne said:
This site is hilarious, especially the bit about the "Mormon" smell, as anyone who has ever stepped inside a Mormon chapel can recognize it right away. As for people who are easily offended, last time I checked, they had the choice NOT to read this blog. For me, this blog is one way I get my daily dose of the world's best medicine, loud laughter.
88. Suat DUMAN said:
Well I think you are perfectly lovely.
89. middle-aged-woman said:
I vote for wyliekat. Very creative. Who knew I was going to find a new blog today?
90. guilty noodles said:
I had the same conversation with a relay operator. A woman claimed I had called her and wanted to know why, when in fact, no one in the house had picked up the phone in the last 24 hours. She was persistent and when my patience shriveled up, I told her she needed to stop calling me and wasting my time. That was when the relay operator informed me, "She thinks you're rude and a bitch," and slammed the phone down.
The woman called me once a month until I moved.
91. witchypoo said:
I regularly work with an adoring telephone public, and OMG was that relay operator #1236? Because I swear she has a psychic bond with her clients. Either that or she's a fantastic actress.
92. Chantel said:
Can you email me the letters? I'll video tape me reading them! I'm really good, I need someplace to vent. I promise I'll do a great job. I'm wildly emotional and irrational sometimes, I'm a perfect fit for this job.
Really I am!!!!!! Just look at those exclamation points.
93. Rachel said:
"do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys?"
OH MY GOD YES.
94. Laura said:
As a receptionist manager....I love this post! I forwarded it on to my team because this is what we deal with DAILY!! HAHAH! SO thanks for the shout out to us Receptionists who know how to work those A Holes!
95. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said:
The question is: after you've finished fixing the Internet, can you fix my husband?
There's something wrong with his listening skills.
96. Kine said:
Hahaha!
Please don't "get a life". Stay here! 24/7.
97. Emily said:
I can't believe people actually say things like that about you! You are so awesome and I love the path you've cleared for blogs and personal life online and the silly standards that you laughed at and blown past. I have a ton of respect for you. Plus, this probably sounds lame but Oprah knows who you are. thats pretty bad ass.
98. beyond said:
(jeez. some people have too much time on their hands)
send me an application. i'm always on the lookout for fun part-time jobs. i can do accents too.
99. carynski said:
It's possible that I just peed myself laughing so hard.
Seriously. You are brilliant. I love it!
100. Debbie said:
Stupid people who say stupid mean things. I like your site and you're totally not boring. Just because you're not susy homemaker with the domesticity and the doting and the "I had no worth until my daughter was born" doesn't mean you're not a good mom. That's not for any of us readers to judge.
Thanks for doing what you do. I look forward to coming to dooce.com every day, and sometimes I wonder what will happen to this site when you decide to retire. Or will you keep blogging until you're wrinkly and 90? That would be so hilarious.
Anyways, thanks!
101. Bush Babe of Granite Glen said:
You know, I don't read every comment you have, but the vast majority seem to be nice and positive... perhaps the hate-mailers aren't game to post comments, just email?
Now, if you are happy to move to the Land of Oz, I would be delighted to help you out, Ms Heather!
:-)
BB
102. parrfunkel said:
You're f'in brilliant, Heather!
I only discovered your blog after seeing you on Oprah last week. I've started reading from the beginning of your archives. You're my new hero.
Ok, moving on now.
103. Manda said:
This summer I worked front desk at a hotel. It was the worst, I have never had so many people scream at me. I am going to be completely honest and say I am one of the nicest fucking people you will ever meet. So one day I get an angry phone call from a truck driver. He said we charged him double the amount he had been charged before. For the first time I wasn't feeling sympathetic. So I said, "Sir, that's because you stayed the first time during the winter, the second time during the summer. You were charged the summer rate". That's when he said, "You can take this bill and GO TO HELL!". He hung up the phone, without letting me defend myself. What I really wanted to say back to him was, "Sir, I am the nicest fucking person ever. So fuck you!"
104. Amy J said:
I find it really interesting the number of people that tell you (and other bloggers) to get a life, yet what brings them to the blog in the first place? Is it to read and then take the time, their precious, valuable, time to disparage another human being? Well F--K that!!!
It was a pleasure to meet you last night. You are just as perfectly fabulous in person as you are on-line. I kept my husband up past 1 a.m. reading aloud from the book. Thanks for doing what you do.
105. Kari said:
As a former receptionist myself, I would gladly read hate mail for money... better than listening to it for money. I'm more proud of the receptionist for not laughing. Go her!
106. Matt said:
I'd like to apply for the job. I am incredibly good at swearing with passion, and I'm local.
107. marty said:
I like your wit, humor and honesty. I look forward to your posts.
take care.
108. ChiGirl said:
I just stumbled across your webpage a few weeks ago through Twitter, and I added it to my favorites that day. I'm a college student, and I find your posts hilarious! Your daughter sounds like she's crazy in the best way possible, the way little kids are supposed to be. She's lucky to have you as a mom, and you shouldn't worry about the hate mail. For every bad letter you receive I'm sure you get 2 good ones along with it. They are funny to read, and after that long list of postings of support for you, I'm sure whoever took the time to write the hate mail feels pretty dumb right now. Keep writing, you inspire me.
109. Nicole said:
People that say such things to you make my favorite word the F word as well. Fuck that...they are just so JEALOUS of you're life and what you do to make a living. They are the people that can't be happy for anyone else. THEY are the stupid whores.
I heart your blog Ü
110. MotherProof said:
Heather, you should see the comments we get. Apparently, we "don't know jack", "have no business driving cars, let alone reviewing them" and are "idiots who can't see past the cupholders". I don't think I could handle someone saying that to my face. I might weep. Or punch them. It wouldn't be pretty.
You're braver than I, my dear.
111. Sus said:
I am perfect for the job! I can totally call you a bitch, but then afterwards I will feel awful and we can kiss and make up....in a totally nonlesbian way, of course.
112. Braidwood said:
Oh my gosh, that was hilarious. I give this post an "F" as well... for FUNNY!!
Hee hee.
113. Christy said:
Heather -
I know I am post 101 and you probably won't read this but I had to tell you I love your blog and always have. I work in the Child Protection field and let me tell you - you are a F%#@ing AMAZING parent. The fact that Leta is raised by her own parents and not in child care is a gift. The fact that you see her every day and don't have soemone else raising her is a gift to her. If I could work from home and devote most of my waking hours to my child I would do that in a HEARTBEAT. I am sure all those haters would too. They are just jealous Heather - don't listen to 'em. Personally I think they post the hate comments so that you will comment on them and they can be talked about. That's SAD!!!
I LOVE reading your posts and I strive to be as good of a parent as you are. None of us are perfect, but the fact that your child has two very loving parents who devote their lives to her as well as the fact that you put a roof over her head and food on the table every night makes youa a better parent than a large portion of this country. Take it from me - I've seen it ALL!!!
Keep your head up sister. We all love you!
114. TUWABVB said:
I was interested while reading this story, but totally distracted because I was wondering why one would be so upset about a captioning incident when they were clearly able to hear over the phone.
And that's why I would make a great relay operator for you!
Loved seeing you in Austin and so happy you made the trek to our little corner of Texas!
115. Gretchen Kirkham said:
Umm.... the beer... is that one of the fringe benefits? You buyin'?
Cuz... I mean, if it might in any way be up for negotiation, I might enjoy the occasional pitcher of sangria or margaritas. Or, after a particularly *angry* week, Yeager shots might be in order.
I could do this job.
116. Talon said:
. . .
Dude...if you could package that and sell it, you'd be a millionare!!
Forget writing, Heather Armstrong, the Woman who Fixed the Internets!!
*fanfare*
117. Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said:
I fix the internets with duct tape and spit.
I could apply for your position but I how can I not giggle at some of the more creative euphimisms for female anatomy? Some of those words are my favorite words!
Or, I'd work myself up and in the process I'd stop being able to control my abiliy to hold in gas. You don't pay extra for musical interludes I'm sure.
118. Katie said:
oh my.. i WAS a relay operator. for THREE YEARS! horrid job, it was. yelling at strangers could be fun though. listening to the operator in the next cubicle, someone's 60 something year old grandmother tell some woman on the line how she is going to "give it to her" (with great lines such as: "good thing i'm deaf, so i won't hear all your screaming..") = kind of awesome in an awful way
119. Liz said:
I'm Mormon and I know EXACTLY what you mean by the smell of a Mormon church. How does every Mormon church I've been to all over the world all smell the same? It's incredible really.
I'm sorry you have so many haters, but I'm so glad you do what you do.
120. laura c. said:
ah, i was once a relay operator, too! and angela, it's not "over" that you're supposed to say; it's "go ahead." what an awful job.
katie (118), were you also employed through MCI in northern california?
121. Ashley said:
First of all, I am so sorry that people would ever write things like that to you. That aside, I am relieved that my husband is not the only one who turns his wardrobe inside out looking for his belongings. Do you also get to hear "Honey, where are my keys/wallet/phone?!" when: A) How the hell should I know, and B) They are in your POCKET!!
122. Reality Rounds said:
Why is it that bloggers are obsessed with the negative comments, yet choose to ignore the positive ones? Human nature I guess. I am guilty of the same thing.
123. Catherine said:
Heather -
thanks for making me laugh every day, all the way over here in Australia. don't ever let the turkeys get you down!
124. Lisa said:
No, don't fix what is working for you....having something to blog about. :) You life is your muse.
It's the difficult people in our lives that make us better! People with verbal diarrhea and don't know it, are really funny! Besides, idiots who write hate mail are all about themselves.....not you!!!!
I LOVE YOUR HATE MAIL!!! KEEP IT COMING!!!!!!
125. Jennifer W. said:
Got to love hate mail full of grammar errors and misspellings. Thank God for this post in the middle of my shitty day.
126. Traca said:
Send her over when you are done to yell all the negative things I think of myself daily. Maybe I would be able to let them go eventually.
127. Jen said:
I have never replied in the "comments" section on any online blog but... you have me rolling in stitches. I have been on bed rest and am nine months pregnant! I love you! Forget the hate mailers! They just don't have anything to do with their lives.
Keep writing what's on your mind. It's probably the same thing most of us think at some point but don't have the balls to say! Good for you!
128. Anonymous said:
Meh hee hee...I was a relay operator in my youth...after dropping out of a theatre performance program at university, you KNOW I was dramatic and emphatic. I argued with relatives and swooned heartbreaking pillow talk...
But I was never hateful. Never ever. Even if the person using the relay was nasty...that's when I would bring out the professional, chirpy voice...takes the sting out. Oh, the powerrrrrrrrr.
129. XOXO said:
You are an entirely new level of genius.
All I do most of the day is deal with angry employees who hate the boss, hate the job, hate the life.
I.Can.Emote.Dammit.
Bless her heart, and your skills.
Without such things, we would all be lost.
XO
130. zelzee said:
Being a relay operator ain't for sissies........
Nor is being married to a patter.............
131. kath said:
I think this is a great idea. I work in an office in a cubicle. My coworker who sits beside me makes quite a few phone calls a week like this. She is not a relay operator but she sure can relay that she's angry. The rest of email each other while she's on the phone trying to anticipate her next phrase, usually, "This is UNACCEPTABLE" wins!
Cheers!
132. Cate said:
I want the job. Seriously.
Qualifications:
Love you, love your blog, former opera singer (diction! projection!), live in SL Valley (an easy commute for me!).
Plus - I need a second, part-time job, but possibilities for that just seems soul-crushing and overly consumptive of free/fun time.
133. Maryeah said:
I'll take the job. I'm a high school teacher, so I'm used to having to shout, and read expressively, and I'm about to lose my current job any way.
134. Jillian said:
GREAT TIMING- I'm sitting in my home office in Seattle, sending out my resume to supplement companies and planning my move to Utah in May or June. I was just taking a break to get my MIND OFF TRYING TO FIND A JOB THANKS!
I'm excited to experience this smell you speak of, in addition to creating a map of any coffee shops that aren't Starbucks.
135. Liz B said:
There must be some sort of mix-up. Maybe the comments from some other blog are accidentally getting posted here. Those comments you listed have no basis in reality.
And also, the captcha word combos often make awesome band names. Alistair Membership? I'd download it if it was the free song of the week on iTunes!
136. Jess said:
As usual, you are amazing! Thank you (once again) for the giggles!
137. Noelle said:
OOOH!!! A book of hate mail!!! I would for shizzle buy that! AWESOME.
138. Anonymous said:
Don't listen to those people. You are my mentor and favorite person on the Internet. I call you my White Oprah. Because you are that awesome annndd you probably smell just as good. We are blessed to have another one of you soon entering the world :)
139. ellen said:
Heather,
hang in there. I read your website everyday and I thoroughly enjoy the wit, spontaneity, and record of the bumps in the road, both big and small. It helps me take myself less seriously. I wish there were a way you could only read the positive comments! seriously though, you have a fresh perspective and deal with reality of life and being a mom and there is a reason your blog is numero uno. I don't know why people direct negativity your way, but it is completely undeserved. That is the aspect I like least in the internet: (and dear lord, i love the internet) people are much quicker to shoot off something mean and hateful. Something they would never have the manners or balls to say to your face if they actually had the opportunity.
Best,
Ellen
140. mare said:
I will work for beer :-p
141. amos said:
i just wish, for the love of pete, that if people are going to attempt to sound remotely intelligent while dishing out an "insult" (if you will give them even that much credit) that they had at least a few more brain cells to puke out the right word useage and spelling.
my punctuation and lack of caps excluded. there's a difference. i actually do have a brain, i just don't have to use it all at all times.
i honestly can say, i'd like to round up every person that spells things like this:
"Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel."
and bitch slap them all until they understand this whole concept.
i actually feel anger rise, my blood pressure climbs upward, my muscles tense, my jaw locks because people that spell like that, infuriate me and apparently i cannot round them up and bitch slap all of them, so i just have to remind myself that at least i can properly use "your" vs. "you're" at any given time, without a second thought, on the spot, just ask me. they have to live day in and day out with this apparent ineptitude, while i can smugly kick back and say, "you're just too damn smart for your own good sometimes."
good luck with this application process. i can only imagine what interview day would be like with all that spitting. i'll pass.
142. Kari said:
If nothing else, you can set up a function similar to YouTube's comment reader. :-)
143. Molly said:
I think you are hilarious and I can only imagine how great it would be to have a mom like you! Sorry for all the hatemail you get...people suck!
144. Katie said:
hey laura c/120.. i was employed through CSD (they took over from vista shortly before i started working there) in western mass... god i do not miss those days! especially having deaf people treat you like shit, or the hearing person they are speaking to you saying rude things about your because it is "funny" that you have to type awful things about yourself
145. Andi said:
Oooh! Pick me, pick me! I have brilliant delivery! Ex-theatre major over here!!!
146. Katie said:
also, dooce.. if you REALLY want an operator to do this for you.. you can go to sprintip.com and make an internet relay call to your own phone and type to them whatever you would like them to say huzzah!
147. Jennifer said:
Can I please have this job? I have anger management issues and would love nothing more than to yell all day long. Plus the added bonus of going out for a beer afterward sounds like fun.
148. Anonymous said:
didn't you forget "and oh PS I'm skinny" ?
149. Andrea said:
You have some of the loveliest readers. When, and if, those hate mailers get to you, all you need to do is run your eyes along your comments page.
But, as you seem to enjoy the abuse, are you considering international candidates? I have perfect diction.
150. Lizzy said:
I don't think I want that job because I would be a raging alcoholic if I had to listen to people yell at me all day. Oh wait, I am and I do... I have three kids, yo.
By the way, in my parts of the world the Mormon church would smell like a "covered dish" fart.
151. Robin said:
I recall sitting in a "Huttle House" eating breakfast at 3:00 am due to our honeymoon cabin having ROACHES causing us to evacuate early. The waitresses boyfriend came in and suggested she quit her fucking job because her boss was a fucking bitch. She yelled back "I can't quit I need a job" as she refreshed our coffee. It was priceless. You know, it just gives people like me a reason to feel superior. I love it.
152. Carrie said:
I'll come do it.
I'll even make sure and point out all the grammatical errors.
Then it'll be beers, whiskey or gin.
I'll be more than happy to commute from Layton.
153. Britte said:
Haha god I would be perfect for that. I wonder how many demo tapes you'll receive in the mail for try-outs :-P
154. Hope Wiltfong said:
You crack me up, sweetie.
I'm embarrassed that so many LDSers (and even after 31 years in the church, that still looks like a hallucinogenic drug abbreviation to me )can be so explosive.
(But then again, maybe they are the ones that make chapels smell like warm casserole farts)
155. Casey said:
Did you mention bad breath? I think applicants for this position should really have first hand experience with some form of chronic and offensive halitosis. Extra consideration for close-talkers.
156. Lizgizzy said:
I've been lurking for a really long time, and adore your writing. I'm sorry that you have to put up with crap from some of your readers, but I guess you can't be successful without getting some hate mail. But thank you for keeping me entertained everyday.
Chuck looks really scared today, like maybe the beads are going to bite him and an appliance is going to land on him?
157. liz said:
wow, it always amazes me when people are beyond crabby and become downright nasty/hateful....ack! isn't it odd/funny that what is really so pathetic has now become hysterically funny!; a sense of humor is probably the only thing that will save the planet in the end! i would think in utah that people would be a bit kinder, patient, etc...being as most people are mormon? and applying bible principles, etc....but what do i know, i live in california and not a mormon....but i have a son who worked at a deaf relay phone place in no. california, and he was shocked at how nasty people would be on the phone...whew! thank you for the fun stuff heather!
158. Heather-in-Australia said:
You had me at "warm casserole fart".
159. Clair said:
The F word is my favorite word, and it's fun to watch me get mad because my face slowly turns bright red and my eye twitches. And I'd happily drink beer at the end of a rough day. Where should I send my resume?
160. Pictou said:
I've got an idea! A sitcom featuring the life of a famous blogger coping with an absent minded husband and two daughters and the voice over leading in and out of scenes is narrated with the hate mail!
161. Jenni said:
I hope you wrote back: It's y-o-u apostrophe r-e. Dum hoor.
162. Vivien said:
I don't know if this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S2WCunyRtI angry customer call is hilarious because it's local to me and my friends- but we love it. It's to our DMV institution in Victoria, Australia.
164. Kimberly said:
I'll help to further balance the hate that comes your way:
I love your blog. I think you're hilarious. I aspire to BE you. Seriously.
165. Jen L. said:
I will relocate tomorrow for that job! My only requirement is that at the end of each session, I get to read the "slut who likes to fuck her husband" message. Cause that? Is classic!!!
166. cath said:
hallelujah! i got here before comments closed. i love reading other people's insane hate mail to you ... it makes me feel so loved to know that no one is sending me anything like that. of course, i am nowhere near witty enough to piss off as many people as you do, but still. heartwarming.
as for my other (unsolicited) opinion: you rock.
thank you for making me laugh OUT LOUD WHEN I AM ALL ALONE (then calling my mother and making her listen to whatever is was that made me laugh), for leading me to think about stuff i didn't even know i had an opinion about, and instilling in me an overwhelming (but as yet unpursued) need to learn how to use a camera other than the one that came with my cell phone.
i know that if you aren't going to take the crap people throw at you seriously, you can't take the praise too seriously either, but from my side of this relationship i have to seriously say thank you for brightening my day so very often.
oh, and ps: i think leta and the new juniorette are lucky to have you for a mom and chuck is a saint for not putting coco in a box and shipping her off while you are sleeping.
167. Rebekah said:
I so want that job, but for someone other than yourself, because I think you are awesome and would have a hard time delivering that feedback to you with sincerity. :)
168. Anonymous said:
Ha ha! And the relay operator you hire will somehow be able to pronounce that incorrectly spelled "your" so that you KNOW it was supposed to be "you're."
169. Erin K said:
Ok, your hatemail is the best on the net. Seriously I found you when someone referenced their hate mail. I think in a sentence like, "I'm going to share my hate mail dooce style"
The thing is the way you can laugh at it MAKES it. Thanks for sharing it with us.
I do hope you really just laugh, I hope you are not letting people get you down. Doesn't seem like it, but anyhow here is something nice:
You have the best hair. I showed my son who is 4 a pic of you pregnant and we talked about how there is a baby in your tummy and he said, "yeah I bet it's a cute one". :)
170. Mel said:
When can I start? *lol*
171. Whitney said:
I know exactly what smell you are talking about, and as a Mormon I find it hilarious that we have such a distinct and weird smell. I can literaly smell one of our churches from just standing in the parking lot.
172. Kelda said:
Your husband is ridiculously like mine in that - pockets in check - anecdote. Mine seems to think he is Cher and needs to changed clothes on whim and mood several times a day. Lately it's worse having taken on a theatrical thrill to his wardrobe and appearance. I feel for you there. I also would lend my assistance. I have this strange force field where guilt and embarassment dissolve. Then again I was never subjected to a rigorous routine of organized religion and I thank my parents every day for that. Oh, yes, I am a big huggers. Even more so when bourbon is involved.
173. Tere said:
Where do I apply?
174. katrin said:
Do you really get that kind of hate mail? That is so awful! Do you read every single comment and edit it out? How do you manage not to get freaked out by all the bad vibes?
175. Nicki said:
At first I thought that was definitely a weird phone call, possibly from some person having a manic episode of some sort! But when I read that the person actually SAYING the angry words was just a message relayer for a deaf person... I nearly fell off my chair! I guess, though, it would be a boring job to just sit there and read messages monotonously, so you might as well put a little FEELING into it, right? :)
176. Jeremy said:
I read those hate emails and I will say (as a very irregular reader)....I really enjoy your site and am confused as to why you get any hate mail....
177. nettie said:
So, I'm a Catholic. Missionary. In San Francisco. Who hangs out with drug dealers. And gang members. And juvenile delinquents. And after reading your blog for almost 4 years now, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me laugh so hard I snort/pee/sneeze/fall of the chair/all of the above; and for teaching me that there is freedom in talking about poop and my boobs in public!
And I RELISH the idea of spitting out f-bombs to someone who will then join me for a beer WITHOUT trying to get in my pants. Seriously, that scenario doesn't end that way when you're a woman with all your teeth in a snowmobiling town in northern Wisconsin. Let me know where to send my resume.
178. Hiliari said:
you are the funniest woman!!!I would love to be a brouche on your coat...not one of those tacky jewelry section @ walmart kind but the pretty kind that you found on some Etsy page...you RULE!!!
179. sneffnie said:
These are some of my favorite posts. I love your sense of humor. Warm casserole fart? Gross, it's so gross! That's what tells me you are a fantastic writer. Your ability to gross me out.
;)
180. Rebecca said:
People really are so creative with their combinations of hateful slurs! My husband and I did a 'haircutting' youtube video - all in the name of fun - to which we received these delightful words: 'you are lifeless cunts who don't deserve to be parents.' It took me a while to recover from that one because it was so unexpected. Like, how could someone feel that much contempt over a haircut?
'Way to rise above!
181. Lori said:
I could so do that job. Not because I'd feel that whatever I was reading was true but because I was a theatre major. So I could at least act like I thought it was true.. Also, I live in Salt Lake City so it wouldn't be much of a commute to come over and scream in your face. Furthermore, I use Listerine daily so it wouldn't be so terribly awful for me to stand, six inches away, and breath on you.
182. Nicole said:
I want to apologize on behalf of all "Evangelical Christians".. who I will assume along with the Mormons send you hate mail.
Sometimes you have to treat people (who act like that)... like they are mentally retarded and just can't help themselves.
Dear Hate Mail People: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??
183. Audra said:
I just wanted to tell you that I think you are great. I know you probably hear it a lot but with all the negetive crap out there it cant hurt to say it again. Thanks again for sharing your life with us!
184. sarah said:
My best friend Amy and I used to use relay service to make prank phones calls. It's so EMPOWERING to make strangers do your obscene bidding!
185. Sundance Kid said:
It amazes me the audacity of some people to even take the time to do such an immature and hateful thing.
I for one love you and think you're great. :)
186. Are you deaf? said:
Have you thanked the God you used to believe in that you're not deaf and therefore don't have to rely on those Saturday evening captions? No, probably not; you're too busy rewinding Tivo to RE-HEAR what you missed that first time. Bravo, heathly person.
Definitely hire someone to now READ to you comments like mine that your working eyes are too blessed to see.
187. Elizabeth Underwood said:
Do you think the effect would be the same over skype? Perhaps you should do a test run with me - because if it would work, I would apply!!
:-) Seriously - I hate you so much, I check your blog several times a day, and read about you on other people's blogs too.
Just kidding! I love your bravery and your vulnerability! (and your pregnant belly!)
Kepep on keeping on!!
188. Chris Moose said:
I projectively pronounced my P's all over the front row when lecturing today. Does that qualify me?
189. meredith said:
I can't believe people send YOU hate mail. Why, why, why?? Why do they even waste their time? Just don't click on, stupid people. You should publish their emails on here, your real fans will take care of them! Ha... I am from NJ you know... ha ha ha....
190. Heidi said:
I would completely agree with this idea IF we could just skip to the end - hug and go out for a beer. Screw the part where we listen to the negative crap. If I wanted to be abused like that I would just go home. Oh wait, I am home. Damn.
191. Monkey said:
Relay operators are the best. There used to be a website that would do this for free. My brother and I used to call each other for jokes and make the operator says all sorts of weird shit.
Jackassery runs in the family, you see...
192. Ellen said:
looks like the job may have been too much for that receptionist.
http://tinyurl.com/cfsadv
193. C. Andres said:
Mmmm, warm casserole farts.
194. Amy said:
I love you Heather and I don't think you should change a thing! I am a conservative that just loves to read about you and your family and all your opinions... Please don't ever change. You make my day. That's a lot for a tea-bagging person like me. LOL Thank you!
195. kstarr said:
Heather...thank you for the sanity. Love from Akron, Ohio!
196. Michell' said:
I want to have your baby.
Michelle ~ a real girl. One who could, in fact, have a baby. Guess that means that YOU don't have the right parts. YOU BAT CRAZY DIRTY WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!
do i need to say i'm kidding? I think I must, because, you probably got 3 emails in the last hour that said you were a dirty whore. it's got to be impossible to tell the difference.
197. Michell' said:
I want to have your baby.
Michelle ~ a real girl. One who could, in fact, have a baby. Guess that means that YOU don't have the right parts. YOU BAT CRAZY DIRTY WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!
do i need to say i'm kidding? I think I must, because, you probably got 3 emails in the last hour that said you were a dirty whore. it's got to be impossible to tell the difference.
198. Davezwife said:
Shhhiiit, girl. I love your arse. I lived in Utah for a while, even worked on 5W, which I suspect is the floor you are familiar with, perhaps. I adore your quips, would love to make Leta my kid's mentor, and if you would just do ONE STINKIN' PHOTOSHOP 101 for us, in the manner in which you two use it, I would probably be tempted to name the wee child in my belly after you. Yup, we'd name her "Spunky Bitch." lol. rock on. (but seriously, a tutorial please. I big puffy heart your piks)
199. Elle said:
This is actually an awesome idea! We get a lot of spam comments from Russia so I'd want them to wear a big Russian hat and drink Vodka while they are translating the comments!
200. Keri said:
FUNNIEST POST EVER.
201. elevenbee said:
hey! i was just writing about this exact thing the other day, except the relay person i was talking to had to run through a whole range of emotions over a short period of time. really impressive stuff...
then my friend mentioned that he and his college buddies would use the relay operator to prank call each other. this worked especially well when they got a big beefy relay operator who had to say things like "you make me hot... hank." from one guy to another.
snort.
:)
202. Ray said:
Hehehe! =D What a great post this was. I love the way you write. You have a witty air about you which is great. And though I'm not in love with sarcasm yours suits me well. ;o)
203. Peppermint said:
I've actually been looking for a job exactly like that. What a coincidence. Should I send my resume in the form of a hate letter?
204. Allison said:
I don't know why you even bother to read the mean ones, once you realize what they are. If they don't like your website, they don't have to visit! And they certainly don't need to share their dislike of it.
I have enjoyed your site very much since I found it. Thanks for all you do!
205. Robin said:
Thank you. :) I really needed a good laugh.
207. Another interpreter said:
That 'relay' person might have been one of my co-workers. I am I sign language interpreter and work in video relay, which means I interpret phone calls between Deaf/hard of hearing and hearing people and we interpreters can SEE the person signing, their facial expressions, etc through a video phone (really awesome quality webcam). All that emotion you heard is just part of our job which is to provide an equivilent message and experience for both callers. Shouting "You are SUCH a FUCKING ASSHOLE!" is just part of my job... sometimes. And sometimes it's "Yeah, Mom, would you mind going by the store for me?", or "I need to make a dentist's appointment for next Tuesday".
I very much prefer the cursing and drama ; )
208. jessica said:
I found your site from celebrity baby blog a few months back and have been following it ever since. I just wanted to say thank you! Thank you for being so open and honest. Your experiences and thought processes with your daughter remind me so much of my own. I have a 17 month old daughter, I'm also a single mother(not my choice) and full time student graduating in 3 weeks. You motivate me to not be afraid to speak my mind, which in Alabama can be a scary thing! After what I went through with my daughter for the first 6 months I never wanted to have another one, but as she gets older and can actually talk and interact with me instead laying there and screaming constantly I find myself wondering if I could make it through another newborn and come out alive. I really do want another one at some point, but I'm scared to death. I'll definitely be keeping up with you as you welcome your new one!
209. jasmine said:
I am pretty sure I peed myself when I read "cassarole farts"
Don't sweat the haters.
210. Hilary said:
As a deaf person who has used the relay service too many times to count, I truly thank you for this hysterical blog... made me laugh out loud.
And I admit there have been times when I have...*ahem* had some fun with relay operators, making them sing lyrics to random songs, talk r.....e....a....l...l.....y s....l.....o.....w....., and so forth. Of course, those were in my younger years. Sigh.
"Go Ahead" ;-)
211. Hilary said:
Oh, one more thing... can you please put out some sort of disclaimer/announcement that relay services are NOT to be used for pranking? Many of us have had trouble even requesting simple services as pizza deliveries because so many pizza and other delivery joints have been pranked and lost money making food and delivering them to people who didn't actually order the stuff. We get a lot of hang-ups when calling and the person realizes it's a relay service and doesn't want to deal with us.
212. Naysayer said:
Hunny, you haven't figured out anything. You are a LOSER, and a blight on humanity.
213. NellaBean said:
I once got a death threat when I worked at a public library as a teenager. A guy called up to ask if we carried any Elton John tapes; when our computer search turned up negative, I asked a co-worker to check the music card catalog while I stayed at the desk to answer phones. (Gee, this is reading like I'm an old-timer: "tapes" and "card catalog" - I'm only in my early 30s!) If you're on hold a certain length of time, the phone rings again. Apparently that certain length of time was too much for the guy wanting information on Elton John. He let loose and I got my first death threat. (Elton John sure has some passionate fans - just like you, Heather.) I put him back on hold. Heh.
I think calming down and more hugging would fix a lot of things. But then we'd have less interesting stories to tell.
214. The Scarlett said:
I want to see audition videos for the Dooce relay operator. You give them all the same hate mail to read and the video with the least votes gets eliminated. There could be themes each week. (Week one would be misspellings. Week two would be cursing. Week three would be sarcasm.) Maybe Ryan Seacrest could somehow be involved. Or at the very least that guy from the Ben Bernanke/furious magician video could fire people.
You also need an unpaid intern to handle all of this additional work (watching videos) along with walking Chuck and Coco. Just a thought.
215. Melanie said:
If you're going to send hatemail, at least have the self respect to make it grammatically correct. If it wasn't for the internet I would've never experience the lost belief in humanity that I feel when I see your/you're mistakes.
216. Jack & Jill Put Up A Blog said:
You crack my &%^$(* up...Ahhh, thanks for the laugh.
217. Lady K said:
Pick me pick me! I need a job AND I have really sibilant S's. Very good for hissing at mean people!
218. Dawn said:
My five year old and I can tag team it. She's working on reading out loud with expression and I'll help her with any words she doesn't recognize.
219. Nonny Non said:
Can you really remember what a church smells like?
220. Megan said:
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You are brilliant.
221. Megan again said:
Also, number 59. You can do phone sex? Dooce, please hire this person to demonstrate video-relay phone sex to the rest of us. Please, please, pretty please!
222. Hayley said:
Oh, sweetie. I grew up Mormon here in Utah. And your description of the smell is so dead on. LOL NonnyNon... it's a smell that NEVER LEAVES YOU. I can still smell it and I haven't set foot in a Mormon church for ten years!
Except that under all that wooden pew/cleaner smell... I remember an underlying odor of stale animal crackers and Cheerios.
Dooce, I adore you and your ability to poke fun at grammatically incorrect hatemailers (among other things). Keep it up.
223. Anonymous said:
You should hire the relay operator to read the email BACK to the person who sent it.
Nothing like hearing vile stupity you said thrown back at you. :)
224. Jennifer said:
I had to laugh. I am deaf and have used the relay service before, but I have always suspected that my operators were old biddies with curlers in their hair, sitting half-asleep over their coffee...they all seem to be dull as toast. I get a kick out of knowing that some of our relay operators are really going to bat for us here ;).
225. AGreenEyeDevil said:
I'm a little concerned for Chuck, I don't think he would handle this new strategy too well! Maybe he could stay w/me on those days... :)
226. Tina said:
Oh my goodness...I had to stop reading after you wrote about Jon patting himself down to find his keys, laughing too hard to finish. I SO thought my husband was the only one that did that! Back to read the rest now...
227. Jami said:
I am calling out #186 and #212
Losers are people who leave awful remarks anonymously. And a joke is something that takes a look at life from a different perspctive.
You people suck.
Heather, you are literally the reason why I started blogging. Thank you!
228. AmberStar said:
That sounds like a good idea, but I'm thinking you wouldn't like it after a while. I can't figure why people send you hate mail...you are nice, and a good mother and you actually understand that insane dog of yours, not Chuck...the other one. That takes a good woman.
229. Jenna said:
Te-he-he! Casserole farts... brilliant! (Can I add stale Cheerios to the description?) I'm all too familiar with the smell, but could never quite come up with a respectable title for it. Great post my friend, great post.
230. YD said:
Kudos for that CA! As a deaf individual, I am tired of the caption problems on TV, DVD, BlueRays. Someone needs to express that anger!!!
231. sara said:
haha amazing
232. Taylor said:
I just heart you and I am very new to your blog! Can I work for you?
233. Kim said:
Having just thoroughly depressed myself by reading comments on various blogs and news sites over the last couple of months, I can say: "Haters to the left." There are a lot of angry people who can't spell or write out there and you should not listen to them. A lot of us tune in daily to see what's going on at Casa Armstrong, and you make our days! Thank you for being truly you, Heather.
234. Amanda said:
I think we could all use a relay operator to hang out with us for a minimum of eight hours a day. Perhaps mine could translate for my toddler?
235. Kristen said:
It saddens me that I'm willing to forgive the content, but not the grammar of the "your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel" asshole. I mean, people are entitled to their own (erroneous) opinions... But seriously. Misuse of homonyms is just irritating beyond belief. For God's sake.
236. Rachel said:
Not sure someone could assume it was a vid-interpreted message, cuz some relay operators are simply more emotive than others.
And DANG are they fun to play with!
(I cheerfully admit to singing Supercalifragilistic and making all manner of bodily function sound effects simply to harrass my poor operators. But they kinda asked me to stop while at work...)
237. Amelia said:
Does yours ask you where his wallet and keys are too? Mine always asks, "Where is my cell phone?" I reply, "Up my butt."
I got that one from my mom, who likes to pretend like she's never heard something so vulgar in her entire life.
P.S. If you aren't feeling up to fighting off the attack of 'I just want to snuggles' that will follow the "Up my butt" comment, it's best just to say, "Hmmm, honey. I'm not sure where it is. Have you checked your pockets?" But, don't say that with too much sarcasm or he won't talk to you for a week...wait...on second thought, maybe that's a good thing...
238. Anonymous said:
I like this piece. You are hilarious! ;)
239. SAJ said:
I'm sorry you get so much crap email. I never comment or email because I figure there is nothing I could ever possibly say that could be original amongst the sea of admirers but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could offset some of all that meanness. Because I think you are amazing and I really admire you.
240. Sealion said:
'although do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys? Every pocket on his body, every pocket in the six pairs of pants scattered on the floor in the bedroom, every pocket in every jacket hanging in the closet. He looks like he's flagged himself for a security check at the airport and is patting himself down to make sure he's not concealing a deadly weapon.'
OMG! We are married to the same guy!
241. Girlbert said:
"Do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys?" Yep.
"Every pocket on his body, every pocket in the six pairs of pants scattered on the floor in the bedroom, every pocket in every jacket hanging in the closet." Uh huh.
Wait - do you live with my boyfriend?
I nearly wet myself reading this post. I can relate on so many levels, I sometimes think we must live with the same person.
'Cept mine's the Linux version...
242. Mrs. Wilson said:
See? This is why I LOVE your blog. (1) You're freakin' hilarious and (2) your hate mail is so filled with bad spelling/grammar it just adds to the hilarity of it all.
243. Stephanie said:
My favorite post in ages. I am laughing so hard I have now caused my snoring husband to sputter awake and wonder what is happening?
Well done!
244. ZebraPaintedBurro said:
I love the idea that The Hate Mail could thus be represented by video clips spewing obscenities & bad grammar!
I've been practicing my spewing of obscenities for years- you will not find anyone better qualified.
245. s.i. said:
A few years ago my friend had this pager service where you would call the number, a live operator would answer, you would tell them your message, and the operator would type your message and send it. I guess much like a relay operator, 'cept my friend wasn't deaf. It was kinda weird. And since it wasn't unheard of for me to send angry, experlative-laden texts to my boyfriend, I always wondered if the operator ever dealt with irate messages like that. Hopefully he/she would really commit to it like your relay operator, with lots of CAPS and EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!
246. June said:
If I gift you a bottle of mormon smell, can i get the job? Give me advance notice though, i need to stock up on burritos.
247. Bubbles said:
I would like to officially recommend my dad for this position. His half-irish, half-australian accent PLUS no teeth of his own, I feel, will add just the right amount of Barking Mad that these emails richly deserve. Ps. I just read the book cover to cover = A+++ Heather!!
248. Austin's Mama said:
Who goes to websites and writes hate mail? Seriously, is your life that lame that you go to random websites and tell people that they suck? I'm sure your petty two cents will just be the last straw to send them over the edge and make them stop their ways. Like their really go sing praise to the prophet to repent. Bitch please. Get a life.
249. Bethshine said:
What sad lives people lead when they enjoy wasting time making ugly, hurtful comments to people they have never even met. I know you realize how many of us enjoy your thoughts and commentary, and I for one thank you for keeping me entertained. I'm on week 6 of bed rest (I'm due about a week after you) and surely your blog is one of the things keeping me laughing. A friend gave me your new book the day it came out and I'd finished it within 2 days. Now my husband is reading it and I laugh listening to him giggle as he reads. I was put in the hospital this week, possibly for the duration of my pregnancy, so my husband had to go buy us a new laptop so I can stay connected, and of course keep up with your blog! Thanks for sharing all you do.
250. transatlantic twin said:
Now, I can offer something pretty special here...as a deaf person I can totally relate to the anger felt when there are no bloody subtitles! (English(UK) for captions) but I tend to send carefully worded emails about it (or actually just shrug and get on with my life)
However, should you wish to employ me as your relayer I could do them in British Sign Language - not only would the venom be embodied you also wouldn't know what I was actually relaying which could give you a detached experience of pure bodily communicated hate! (with a british accent)
How can I not get this job - eh?
C
xx
252. Erin said:
I'm looking for a career change! Willing to relocate. Can lift up to three pounds if I'm wearing a weight belt. Proficient in swearing. Familiar with hugging.
253. rachel said:
If those are the most hateful comments you get, you are in great shape.
254. Patrick said:
She? Why a she? Do you think a he doesn't have what it takes for this job? I should sue you for sexual discrimination! :P
Great post!
255. Alyce said:
That's a FANTASTIC idea!!
P.S. I think you're great. If I ever decided to have children, I would want to be just like you - loving mother with a sarcastic sense of humour.
XO
256. Phatchik said:
"Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel."
So, it's either that or the dirty whore thing that keeps me coming back! I've always wondered why I love your blog so much! Turns out, it's because we have those things in common!!
257. Splodge! said:
People who write hate-mail are inadequate, frustrated people who are jealous of you. They need to be laughed at first, then pitied. It also demonstrates that your website is very popular - nobody cares enough to send me hate-mail!
Hats off to you for handling it so well and thank you for being such a good antidote to the down side of life.
258. Anonymous said:
I love your posts. I'm sad when there isn't one! I like your candid and fearless voice. Plus, your sarcasm and dry humor and writing style. That's why I read your blog.
You're allowed your opinions. People that don't agree vehemently should go away.
259. Meredith said:
While working at Papa John's Pizza in college, I received a prank call via relay center.
This completely unprovoked attack went something like this:
"F#ck you, b*tch. Eat my p*****!"
"Excuse me?"
"F#ck you, b*tch. Eat my p*****!"
"Are you serious?"
Le fin.
260. KT said:
What really kills me is you know these assholes continue to read your site regularly!
261. Amelia said:
I can't believe people say things like that to you, even if they are able to hide behind the anonymous tag!! What is wrong with people?!?!??!?
Love your blog, no hate here. :)
262. Kristin said:
Heather WE love you!!!!
Not in a weird stalker way, just a wow thank you for proving that I don't live alone in this crazy world.
263. Single Mom Paying Off Debt said:
I remain shocked when someone takes the time out to write negative comments. And more so when they believe their way it the RIGHT way...
Hope everyone has a great weekend !!
264. Melissa said:
Hilarious!
I am currently job hunting and I am cheap labor. And I have the perfect "fuck" enunciation. Willing to relocate. ;o)
265. Kendra said:
Looks like you got lots of great job applicants. I don't know that I could really bring the level of dedication that this job would require, though; I'm much better at taking spoken words and turning them into written form (ex-closed caption writer). But whoever you hire, make sure they can convey misspellings like "your" vs. "you're" because that's a vital part of the hate mail!
(And thanks for the reminder that there's a funny story in just about every experience. I need to remember that more often.)
266. Birdie23 said:
You are soooo Fun. I love reading your blog, it makes me smile. Do you really get hate mail? how insane.
267. Alison said:
Firstly, I'm deaf and I rely on subtitles (as we call them in the UK). I cannot access any television without subtitles or captions in place.
If you Heather experienced a constant loss of sound on a regular basis, and you paid you television subscription (and the rest) you would be angry too.
The anger for that situation seemed excessive to you, however, that's the first mistake. Deaf people's anger comes from a bigger context. If you are on a *constant* battle with hearing people to gain basic access to anything, then the most level headed person will lose it eventually. By constant, I mean precisely that - spoken language gets in the way of everything.
For the record, none of the Momversation videos are subtitled (or captioned) thus I cannot access any of them. I've commented to this effect before (in a nice calm manner, even though underneath it eats me). I would dearly love to access your videos, but it seems to be okay to exclude deaf people? Then at some point down the line, people wonder why deaf people are angry!
Were any of your nationwide talks accessible to deaf people, e.g. was an interpreter in place)? My guess not since it was not advertised, yet there will be deaf people out there who would have dearly loved to attend. Another inaccess to put away with the rest, and to keep a lid on it.
The other point that has not been considered here: deaf people don't always have a good access to education (because of a language barrier). Education has often relied on spoken English, thus if your ears don't work: you tell me how you learn. The other point, written English assumes auditory memory (when you are reading this, you are 'hearing' the words in your head). If you don't have an auditory memory, then your English expression has had less chance to develop.
Here there might be a issue with English and basic access to education; and this post somewhat makes a mockery of education inaccess. I hope anyone who reads this can just take away gratitude that you had access to education and have a good grasp on the English language. There are some people out there who did not have that opportunity.
Yes I know the post is exaggerated, because that is Heather's writing style (I've read this blog for 5 years or so). However, I feel uneasy that deaf people's genuine lack of access is compared to random internet trolls.
Re the relay operator, I wonder if this was done via ASL/English, for them to be able to interpret so much of the emotion (rather than written English).
For the record, in the UK relay operators have to speak monotone because to introduce emphasis into speech is subjective and thus you have opportunties to be misconstrued.
268. nikki said:
HAAA! I bet it's the same wackadoodles that feel compelled to send you hate comments are the same wackadoodles that feel EMOTIONAL HATE FOR MISUSE OF CAPTIONS ( <-- still laughing).
I'd love to hear the stories a relay operator has to tell... and IN CHARACTER PLEASE. Too funny, Heather!
269. femke B said:
unbelievable people would take the time to send such crap to you! if they are so annoyed by your site, why do they visit it in the first place ... Wow too much time on your hands will do interesting things to people.
Love your site, love your family
From Belgium, have a great weekend!
270. Sarah said:
It's really sad that people have so much anger in them. I mean think of all the energy they waste sending you hate mail. They must be exhausted (and moody) all the time.
I'm sure they just feel threatened by your up front, no bull shit approach. I LOVE IT.
271. Jen K said:
I worked as a relay operator for Nordia/Go America/i711 and it was a great job. I loved it. However, the worst people to deal with were pizza places. They flat out refused to take our calls. It was ridiculous. People should be more accepting of the hard of hearing.
But anyways, I'd gladly take the job! I've already got the experience!!! I did VCO, TTY, HCO, STS, you name it! I did it!
Would be nice to get back into it again!
SKSK!
272. Kristi said:
Hey don't knock the hate-mailers. I mean they could do great things...like free publicity!
Maybe I'll get hate-mailers someday...
Or maybe people will get a little bit of a life.
Maybe...
Come visit me in my community...you'll get people that hate you in person because you're white! Happens to me all the time!
And bring your relay operator!
It'll be good times!
273. Miss Awesome said:
Though I can understand why a deaf person may need to express his or her feelings about not being able to watch a show, I can't see why anyone would feel the need to send you hate messages...pathetic.
274. Jen K said:
In regards to what Alison said, we had to actually convey emotion when relaying. If someone was writing in an angry way, we had to sound angry. We had to make the phone call as realistic as possible so that the hearing person felt like they were really speaking to the hard of hearing person. Funny how things differ in different countries.
275. Lori said:
Thanks for my morning laugh.
The Roman Catholic smell is a mix of incense, wooden pews and stale perfume. If it was bottled, it could be called "Guilt" or "Women Should be Seen but not Heard".
276. keesay said:
I don't qualify for that job~ it would take a saint and the last time I checked I was just a mere human. I thought Chuck was screening the hatemail. I mean who could possibly look at that face and think one single negative thought?
277. Allyssa said:
I want a job loving on your dog. I love him from afar so much. I want to squish his little face and hug him. He is just so precious. You would think that with 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a baby of my own, I would have enough, but I don't. I need Chuck.
278. Alison said:
@Jen K - I've used relay services in the States too, so I've had experience of receiving text in both countries.
I actually prefer US relay companies, in many ways. That includes the introduction of emotion for my end, "sounds happy", etc. Which is better than plain text, but my problems with reading plain text can be the operator's problems (interpreting mine).
I once called my mother up in the States, and someone I know too well. I knew the operator's subjective interpretation was wrong, because I know mum too well. However, that's a partial trade off.
Its the same using sign language interpreters (which I use on a regular basis). They introduce visual interpretation of someone's mood based on, say tone of voice.
That said, thanks to relay operators everywhere for the job they do, because most of the time its a pretty thankless task. When was the last time a hearing person said thank you, for that monotone call that is broken up by GA? They often just see the inconvenience, rather than someone who has facilitated communication to happen at all. :)
279. fuus said:
I, too, used to work for the relay, which was a job I later attributed, in some small part, to having a mental breakdown. when you have spent most of 8+ hours a day on hold for technical support, you start to relish those small conversations where you are allowed to communicate like a human being. i got to break up with people, coordinate drug deals, once I even put in an order for some penis enlargement pills. if you don't put a bit of emotion in a job like that you'd lose it.
but then you might do that anyway.
SKSK
280. Amy said:
I always thought Mormon churches smelled like the inside of an aspirin bottle. That's all. Thanks.
281. Anne Marie said:
Warm casserole fart... TOTALLY! I used to date a guy with a Mormon family and their house always smelled so weird to me. I could never put my finger on it, until now! Although, theirs was warm casserole fart mixed with orange kool-aid.
282. joyous said:
I love you! I would gladly take the job.
283. alayna said:
Oh my GOD! I used to talk to my mother and sister-in-law all the time with a relay operator, and I can not even imagine one actually expressing emotion! And to think they were yelling and everything! That is so funny it has made my day! I bet that operator finally embraced the idea that this would be the one call that would make his day worth while. I LOVE it! Thanks for the laugh!
284. Scott said:
Would this be considered part of the Armstrong Bailout Plan? I can't help but think that you're going to get quite a few responses, applications and resumes regarding this job posting. :-)
285. Jasmine said:
It is hilarious how certain institutions have distinct smells.
286. Why Mom Drinks Rum said:
Huh. I don't think I'd handle that job very well. In fact, I'd be hard pressed not to use my super-awesome-computer-skills to track down the offenders and - well....stare at them till they cry? OK, never been in a physical confrontation in my life.
Kind of makes you want to invent the PC Zapper....a little code you send out to cyber world that filters out the haters and gives them a little jolt upon negative submissions.
Or maybe that's just me.
287. Holly said:
Hi,
Recent convert to reading your site. I got your new book last week and laughed until I cried... and then cried some more for the tenderness and pain you exhibited.
I think your naysayers have got to be classified like that nagging little negative voice in the back of your head. There's not an ounce of logic in what they say and they serve only one purpose-- to try to break you down.
For all the bad, know you have friends and fans and family who love you and love what you're doing.
Keep your chin up!
:)
288. Yecats said:
I cringe when I read the hateful things that people can say. Sometimes I can be a hateful and mean bitch...but to strangers? I just think it is silly. Just plain silly. And I feel sad for the dumb-asses that truly believe that in writing down their hateful drivel, the catharsis they must feel (if they are even smart enough to know what that means) is synthetic. Truly. Considering the facts and circumstances. Clearly, its redirection from some other fucked up area of their life.
I used to be a fan of sk's site. I thought it was interesting, for about a minute. When I started feeling the need to respond with “that was dumb” “you are so spoiled” type stuff, well, Uh, hellllloooo, I stopped reading her Blog!!! (No regrets…her site is how I found your site (which was love at first sight, excuse the pun). You have the VERY same fucked up dry sensibilities and humor that I have, and that I love. So, tell the haters to go pound sand. On the other hand, tell 'em to keep on reading... 'cause some of that dumb-ass mean shit is SO F'ING FUNNY, ‘til I want to pee my pants. Or, like my 17 month old daughter, last night at dinner...laughing so hard, that she got allll mixed up and sneezed, laughed and let out a HUGE toot, all at one time. Damn, life is good.
Cheers!
289. Holly said:
Dear Heather,
Long-time reader, first time commentor. I'm sorry, but in regards to that misled soul who claimed that you're the reason why the governemnt should regulate childbirth they couldn't be more wrong! As a full-time arts educator, I have witnessed parents verbally abuse and ignore their children at scheduled art activites. And these people are considered decent members of society. I applaud you and John for encouraging Leta to read and express her thoughts. I can only hope that when the time comes I have a daughter who is just as vibrant and lovely as Leta.
With love,
Holly
290. Shannon said:
I know that smell! I had the misfortune of being compelled to attend an LDS chapel wedding a few months ago and was immediately greeted by a distinct odor upon entering the building. I turned to my husband* and said, "this must be smell of Mormon!" Our inappropriate giggling turned to uncomfortable shifting in our seats at various points in the ceremony...like when the bishop told the two eighteen year olds to have children "as soon as possible."
*This is the same husband with whom I am still angry for him returning from work late Wednesday forcing me to miss your book signing. I think that you are perfectly lovely and you shouldn't pay so much attention to your hate mail, although I have no doubt it's super entertaining to read the musings of the truly mad.
291. Gretch said:
I want this job! I've been unemployed for a month and a half now and it's made me very passionate and angry. I feel my hate towards the state unemployment system could translate well into relaying your angry comments section. Would you consider doing this via phone (even the hug and beer part of course)? You see, I happen to live on the other side of the country (New Hampshire) and don't think I could make it face to face every day. Angry, sarcastic and cynical are my middle names...
-gretch
292. wendy@areyoubreathing.com said:
Haters are just jealous because you're so ridiculously off the charts amazingly funny. I'm definitely hiring someone really mean and angry to read my hate mail. But if you have haters than you have lovers (in the millions) and that's a great thing. Did they make fun of you on Saturday Night Live! When Zac hosted?
293. jennielynn said:
And I thought my dream job was being a librarian. My qualifications? I was a drama minor. I have on-stage experience. I can do a great Brit, Canadian, Mexican, Spanish and various East Coast accents. I would be willing to work on my Utah accent as well. I'm not adverse to wearing costumes. I have a teenage daughter, so I will include eye-rolling, dramatic sighs and huffs and under-the-breath muttering as a part of my service.
I am a hilarious drunk. Plus, I will tell you how gorgeous your purple tights are before and after every session.
294. LaughingFamily said:
Too funny! I would gladly take the job. Can I yell via the phone from two time zones away? It would be a nice change of pace instead of being the one yelled at...
295. Sarah said:
"Get a life idiot! You got fired for being a stupid whore!"
I thought you got fired for making fun of your boss on your blog. Was there some whoring involved that I missed? I want to hear that story! :-p
296. Chuck's #1 Fan said:
Brilliant. Every day I ask myself why I can't be a freaking genius like you. Bravo.
297. WENDY said:
I think it is so funny that people that seem to hate your blog so much, take the time to post comments. Besides who cares what they think. Don't they know that only makes you do it more and more? LOL
Keep it up, there are a few of us that actually enjoy your daily ramblings!
298. Rachel said:
Saw you on Fox 13 this morning...you look great! Now tell us, is Kerri Cronk as big a bitch as I imagine? Best of luck with your book!
299. Laura said:
I think that you are hilarious! When I have children, I hope to be just like you. And I must say, your dogs are precious. The Aussie Shepherd reminds me of my sheltie, Tucker. He's a mess...=).
300. Katy said:
So is it a pre-requisite that your Relay Operator pronounce, CRAY-ON as CROWN?
Because if that is the case, I must politely take my hat out of the ring.... I won't do that.......... NOT EVEN FOR YOU, HEATHER.
301. William said:
When I submit my resume for this position will I have better chance of getting the job based on the amount of exclamation points I use?
302. Jennifer H said:
Oh please, please give me the job. I have great references; my husband and two toddlers. The only stipulation is the tongue-lashing would have to be done by webcam as I live several states away. However the upside of this is that when I spit my T's and S's the spittle will be on the screen and not on your face. If you needed the full effect then Jon could stand on the side and squirt you with a water bottle.
303. The Scarlett said:
#267 Alison-
I don't think she was saying that the caller's anger was excessive. She was impressed with both the receptionist and the relay operator and how well they both handled their jobs - the receptionist for not getting flustered and the relay operator for properly expressing the emotions involved. Perhaps the receptionist should have politely told the angry caller that she would pass on these very valid concerns to her superior. But then Heather's post wouldn't have been as entertaining.
And as for the Momversation videos - have you every considered asking for a written transcript of them? Maybe they have never considered such a need! On our site we have often been asked to provide transcripts of our podcasts and we've had volunteers that serve as legal and medical transcribers do this for our readers. But the thing is, even though I grew up with a deaf mother, it would have never occurred to me to automatically just offer up transcripts without a reader request.