• vistadenada

    I’ve had cancer, and a brain tumor. THen, I got epilepsy from the hack who tried to remove the tumor. Now, I can’t drive and my anti-seizure drugs make me fat. Yes, the drugs, not that cake over there. So, I’m a fat epileptic that has survived cancer and a brain tumor. Two weeks ago my retina hemorrhaged. I am a whiner (professional version) with a nasal voice and Southern accent. I am the best. I was a whiner (amateur) prior to the medical mishaps. Afterward, I turned pro. I am proud of my status and no troll is going to make me stop EVER by saying “Quit your whining.”

    Carry on, Dooce. Whine away. Just do it. Do it for all us whiners out here. Do ’till you drop. Do it over and over again.

  • trewqaz

    Heather as a fellow privileged person who also has to deal with occasional – and completely unreasonable – crushing depression, I offer this link:


    She sums up so much of my manic depressive life in this one cartoon.

  • jan001

    Can I just say that your post has one of the most eloquent lines I’ve ever read, even though you were being humorous:

    “The rest of your day warmed its hands near the thought of him.”

    Good God, that is beautiful.

    That is all.

  • subjectivitis

    Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it’s not. Depression gives no fuck how life is going.

  • Eleven

    No matter what “they” say, please don’t ever stop writing. Please don’t ever stop caring for all of us. Please don’t leave, don’t go away. Your thoughts echo mine at many times. Your thoughts have helped me in countless ways. Your efforts to bring attention to depression and mental illness are commendable. The space you have created here, this internet blog thingy, has guided me through some dark hours. All I can say is thank you.

  • melanie

    thank you. your honesty on this topic has made a huge difference in my life, and clearly in the lives of so many others, as well. take care of yourself. the world is a better place with you in it.

  • gbennett

    You rock, we love you and your humor. This time of year sucks in so many ways I couldn’t list them all so thanks for doing some of that for me.

  • robynflem


  • hamelanie

    You are loved, Heather.

  • theschrums

    I read your blue post and I was just really worried about you. Then I saw the following SF/Maggie posts and I was relieved, knowing you were in good hands.

  • Paddle Board Girl

    Heather, thank you for your humanness.

  • Frau Feli

    Normally, I am not the commenting kind of type, but today is the day! I can perfectly relate to what you’re saying, as I have depressions myself. (Well, I think I could, even if I didn’t) And that might be one of several reasons why your blog has that intense impression on me, for several years now. That is because I think, hey she has depressions and does things in such a great way, maybe then I can try to do things in my own life the way I like them and try to be proud of it.

    Well. But mainly, I wanted to write this post, because I thought that it might cheer you up a little bit, that you remind me very strongly of a very cool, impressing 1950s movie actress, of Nina Foch! I just had to tell you..I have no idea how famous she still is in the U.S. I watched “Illegal” yesterday, and thought of you constantly. She was so beautiful and tall and veeeery cool, ha!

  • Deiter

    You look really hot in that photo. I wish my boss looked at me like that when giving me the stink-eye.

  • edenland

    I keep driving into the driveway of my massive house and just sit there in the car for half an hour. It’s just really hard to get out of the car. I’m tired.

    So thanks for having the balls to write this out because I can relate. That photo of you is amazing .. you’re changing. It’s fucking painful isn’t it?

    I would love to know what the song is, says it doesn’t cover my region.

  • sabina

    Oh honey, big hug.

    What Pandora said and everybody else too. Your honesty about your struggles has helped me so much to recogize mine. Your writing honestly saved my life when I had PPD. You and Jon starting the community has helped us all help each other.

    You can’t be hanging with Christy, saving the world, raising two beautiful girls and running marathons EVERY day. You’re allowed to crash.

    Get better soon and give yourself a break. Write your way through this. Isn’t that where this all started anyway? :-)

  • k.wren

    I’ve been reading you for about six (!) years now, and I think your writing is completely amazing. I feel like you’re my friend, even though we’ve never met. Sometimes, I find myself reading your entries aloud, just to get the full effect. Or, when I finish reading one, I’ll start over from the beginning and re-read the whole thing again, just because it was that good.

    I truly look forward to reading your blog and seeing your pictures every single day, and I want to send my good thoughts and emotions your way. I think it is beyond brave to post as honestly as you do, so please keep doing it.

    I don’t have much to contribute about depression, but I do know that I am not afraid of encountering it in the future, because I will be able to read your blog and know that I am not alone. I adore you girl, keep your head up and stay strong.

  • undomestic

    One week ago I had a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks. 17 months ago I had a daughter. 30 months ago I had a miscarriage at 19 weeks. Right now my daughter and husband have a plague like cold and my in-laws just left from a weekend long visit which might be tolerable on it’s own, but not while I’m still recovering from a miscarriage. Mentally an emotionally I should be a real mess right now but I’m not. And I’m fucking greatful for that. I’m not looking to rub in my stability, but rather to point out that reading your blog and other similar blogs has left me with a sense of gratitude and understanding I might not otherwise have. For every hater you have there are a legion of readers who support you and who’s life you may have touched in some way by sharing your experiences, from your depression to your marriage and kids right through to what you put on the coffee table in your living room. Everything counts in small amounts.

  • BarefootCajun

    You know what, we all view our problems in the context of our own reality. To discount someone’s depression simply because they are more privileged than others in this world is ridiculous.

    I turned 50 last weekend and on the day before my knee was hurting, I had managed to twist my lower back, I had managed to screw up the checking account, and I realized that I was beginning my 50′s exactly the opposite way of what I had planned to begin them. I melted down and my husband reminded me that there are folks out there that are certainly worse off than I and, while he was right, I just needed a few minutes where I was allowed to wallow in it then move on.

    I have suffered with depression my entire life and it sucks, some days so much so that it’s hard to put my foot on the floor in the morning. I’m happy for anyone that has never suffered from depression. I don’t wish it on anyone. I’m glad to be able to read your blog and know that I’m not the only one out there. It helps.

    Keep talking, Heather. There are those of us out here who are listening and relating and don’t have the need to tear you down just to make ourselves feel better.

  • biokitty78

    dooce- so glad i got the chance to comment. i have been thinking so much about you since your previous “depressed post.” you don’t know me; i am more of a lurker, but of course i feel like i know you. (i’m sure you’re used to that hazard of the job:) just know that i care for you, and i hope that the sun shines brighter in your world very soon. (ps- my 5yr old daughter LIVES for your chuck pictures)

  • ItsJustMo

    Damn. I had a comment, but subjectivitis made my point for me much better than I could.

    Hold on, Heather. Sometimes it’s the only thing possible, and sometimes there’s only a thin thread to grab. But hold on.

  • ClaireinAustin

    I wish you well being, peace and joy.

  • Hollywould51

    I come to your site because I enjoy your honesty & humor. I assume that people who don’t enjoy these should not read your page as it is completely voluntary.

    Furthermore if this person is such a happy,positive person who sees no need for you to be human and have good&bad days then how is it not hypocritical for them to write a letter criticizing you? Shouldn’t they not have time for any negativity? People love to kick others when they are down, it is a sad side of people, I would just delete these emails as soon as you can tell the tone is negative b/c it is only hurtful and you don’t need to hear people that have too much time on their hands trying to bring others down for sport.

    I love your page and have been reading for years,have gotten many others to as well and am with you in good times and bad and thank you for voicing what many of us feel and experience alone,this helps people to know they aren’t crazy knowing another human is experiencing something similar.

    I hope this bump in your road is over soon, you are a strong lady and will continue on.

    PS: your hair looks awesome right now with the little bit of length at the sides I’d say it’s a keeper(seeing as I’m a hairstylist you should trust me ha ha)

  • jaschoefe

    Dear Heather,

    [Some background: I have followed you .. and geek-commented on blurb a time or two ;) .]
    Thanks for the real – I humbly put forth that you and many of the folks commenting would benefit greatly from any 12 step recovery model that could possibly be accessed.
    The tenets of these groups are getting out of one’s self-centered default mode by embracing some daily service and embracing gratitude – doesn’t need to be much and one doesn’t even need to believe in it all of the time. Walking the walk works … somehow.
    The manifestation of self-abuse, be it substance or depression plays no ‘class’ favorites. We are all in this together.

  • ohjulie

    Someone said to me once, “Your worst day is YOUR worst day,” and that’s my mantra these days. Sometimes, my first world problems are just stronger than my first world stamina.

  • quiltingdaisy

    OMG you have posted the Most beautiful picture of yourself, Ever!

  • mightymarce

    The thing about the “Stop whining, bc I have it WAY harder than you!” mentality, is that by that standard no one is ever allowed to whine because someone else will always have it harder than you do.

    Your feelings are valid. As are mine, and anyone else’s. Feel them, acknowledge them. Burying them does no one any good.

  • lekutz

    WORD. just, yeah, human to human WORD.

  • hugsNpuppies

    Great post. You do your best writing when you feel crap. And you’re getting gutsier, that’s good to see. You hit the nail on the head of depression with this post. I hope you feel the support and love coming your way… I have a little mantra I play in my head when I feel crap: “This too will pass, it’s only a feeling, this too will pass.” And then I cut myself some slack and wait… much love!

  • fizzlesnit

    This is well said. I was in the Peace Corps in a third world country for two and a half years, and I saw much greater suffering than I hope to ever endure. And yet… there are still days when I can’t get over just how overwhelmed or sad or purposeless I feel. Every person is valid. Your feelings are valid. It’s not about relativity. It’s about your moment in time and just how sucky that reality sometimes seems… even if it’s not so bad on paper.

    That said, I hope you’re feeling better soon. Depression can be a terrible monster. Here’s hoping you can turn yours back into some kind of Muppet.

  • thistlework

    Heather your post is stellar and you rock. I’m going to tell my Mum not to call your Mum after all.

  • elizabethsheryl

    Dude. Everyone is allowed those moments of self-indulgence! I’m not sure if you’ve read it, but there is a great passage in Eat, Pray, Love which says that even in the poorest of places, where people have no luxuries..they are still worrying if so and so likes them or gossiping about love triangles. Love makes the world go round, in all of its melodramatic glory.

  • SoBooya

    Heather, you know the trolls are going to criticize and nitpick no matter what you write, so please, stop feeling you need to apologize that your problems aren’t problematic enough. (I say this in the kindest possible way, as I think you are awesome.)

  • preppypitbull

    Just wanted to write and say that I can completely understand where you’re coming from with this entire post. My day was ruined because I ordered a stroller online and the wrong one came. My entire afternoon was spent on the phone and talking to eBay about how to rectify my stroller situation. Looking on it now, it was a ridiculous thing to get so worked up about, but that was my day and my reality at the time was that I was beside myself upset. After receiving 50% back from the company, and their offer to keep the stroller (oh, and a big glass of wine) I am feeling much better. Compared to the rest of the world, I had a hell of a good day. You can’t always blame yourself for the feelings you have, no matter how small they may seem to someone else.
    Also, there are MANY songs I have a hard time listening to on the radio, Mazzy Star being an artist that brings out many a visceral feeling/memory from 9th grade (1994). Good times.

  • Pamela504

    Oh fuck it. You owe no one an apology for being depressed. As if it’s a freaking optional state of being! And anyone who even hints otherwise, well I’ll tell them here, “Go fuck yourself.”

  • ECret

    Beautiful post. I didn’t read all the comments, so I don’t know if anyone’s referenced this, but the first thing that sprang to mind when you mentioned the people who told you to stop whining was a quote by Plato that I love:

    “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

    Everyone’s suffering may not be “equal”, but everyone’s pain is the same. Compassion is the name of the game!

  • mkdsmall

    I have always said “everything is relative” – absolutely others have it worse, but others have it better too – for every single one of us – there is a better and a worse.

    What I really wanted to say – is “wow you really look like your mom in that photo!”

  • Funnygirl78

    Between this post and the recent one where you described the work in therapy you have done regarding your parents divorce I can’t really write much more praise. Seriously lady. Your honesty and way with the word knocks me on my ass.

  • elsieg

    hi heather, i’ve never commented before but i’ve been meaning to write you an email for about 3 years now (in fact, it’s partially written and sitting in my drafts folder). basically, the point of it is that reading about your bout with depression and your quest for help has been such an amazing comfort to me while i try to do the same. it’s so incredible how open and honest and willing to share the downs you’ve been, and i hope that you realise how much help you’ve offered to all of your readers.

    so, in that spirit, i wanted to comment today, in the hopes that a comment is the cyber-equivalent of a hug (who says “cyber” these days? me, apparently). you’re not alone! you’re doing an incredible job! and you are adored. don’t let the haters get you down.


    a) your hair looks fantastic! At least when all else is going to sh*t, you can know that you LOOK amazing even if you don’t FEEL amazing. Sometimes having one is a start to having the other.

    b) totally agree with everyone else’s comments; pain is unique to the person experiencing it. it’s one thing to understand that there’s worse living conditions around the world and that simply by having been born in the “west”/north america/europe etc., we really are the 99%, etc etc blah blah. but we can’t help others until we’ve helped ourselves. it’s like the cliche about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else to put theirs on. we can’t solve the problems that are oceans away, or even neighbourhoods away, until we feel well ourselves.

    hope that this passes/that you’re able to work through it. stay connected to the things that offer you support and strength, and disconnect from the things that drag you down.


  • NolaMomma

    I thought Tyrant was supposed to weed out the hate mail, what’s up???

    When I read your “whining”…..I felt relieved to know that I’m not the only one living a beautiful life and having suicidal fantasies….which I KNOW that I would never act on, but it helped me feel normal-ish.

    I was thinking about my own case of the blues last week and feeling guilty for being so fortunate, but spending energy on being sad and I guess it’s because we can be….we are not cave people fighting for survival and this is where we are. I’m not saying that there are not people struggling to survive, I know there are and I put a lot of energy into helping as many of them as I can, but I know at the same time that they aren’t sad about not getting enough “me” time or “quiet” time…things I whine about. It is what it is.

    This photo, in addition to showing off your great hair, shows the sadness in your eyes. I hope you get to a happy place soon. I always seem to get more and more sad as Christmas approaches….has to do with not having my mother anymore and a myriad of other baggage. Looking forward to the new year. :-)

  • skull

    you said it wonderfully. i get it. here’s to hoping things start to feel right for everyone who’s suffering.

  • fishsticked

    Okay, wait. If I recall, the comments on that post were closed so when you say “I had someone write to tell me to stop whining” you actually mean that someone took the time to open their email, type something bitchy, and send it to you? I don’t think I’ll ever understand a) how people have the time to do that or b) what purpose they think it serves. Personally, if I found you to be a whiny obnoxious bitch (not the case) I wouldn’t give your blog the time of day. Because why? To tell you you’re a whiny obnoxious bitch? Pointless.

    But this post is phenomenal! Everything from the title, to the content, to the humanity, to that photo. Just incredible. You put yourself out there. Every day you share bits of what’s on your mind, what’s happening in your family, or what you have coming up. You share stories about your two beautiful children, about your husband, about your friends. You share all of that and it all seems so perfect that you just can’t have anything to complain about.

    But that’s bull shit. Only you know your reality and, as @Lally18 put it, your “reality is what [you] have to deal with.” Sure, there are tons of people out there who have it harder than you (assuming for a moment that difficulties can be placed in hierarchical order) and at the same time there are plenty of people that have it better than you. But what you have is what you have. It’s not really practical to wake up every day and think “wow, what a great day! I could be missing both my legs, but I’m not, so I’m happy!”

    I don’t have depression, Heather. I have bouts out sadness, I’ve experienced loss and hurt, but I am lucky enough to not suffer as you and so many others do. But I have other challenges in my family, other things that occupy my mind for the better part of the days and weeks, and it’s because of that that I feel as though I can relate to this. I don’t think I’ll ever get it, ever fully understand it, but I can relate in my own way and that’s all anyone can do.

    I guess for some that means to hate you. To tell you to fuck off because you have it all: two cars, two kids, two dogs, a husband, and a house. And maybe for that person, that would be “all”. Material and happy. If that’s the case, I feel for them. I don’t know you beyond your blog and twitter, but I would imagine that your “all” involves happiness with yourself and with life (I’m sorry if I’m misstating) and, for a great many of us, that is the case.

    I hope you find that happiness. You deserve it if for nothing else than for the help you’ve given to others through the stories of your struggles. You keep fighting and keep writing and we, the people who come here because we don’t hate you (because who has time to actively hate?), will keep reading.

    And I’ll close with this line my mom would recite to me growing up (I’m sure it’s some quote from somewhere and you may have heard it, but it helps me): The people who care don’t matter and the people who matter don’t care.”

  • JustLinda

    I get it.

    I used to be a regular reader, commenter, community contributor. I’ve gotten lost in my own life.

    I reprimand myself daily for my silly angst. It doesn’t matter how much I do, there it is as suffocating as perhaps the angst of someone with a more valid reason to claim it.

    I’ve taken my blog down after 6+ years. I seem to continue to pull more into myself, which I’m not sure is the right way but I have to focus on that right now.

    Life is good and I am grateful for all that I am fortunate enough to have in mine. I am also broken and hurt and trying to find a way out of that.

    I hope you find your footing. I was sad to read about your recent (too public) challenges. Take care of yourself and those you love, and I hope they take care of you too.

    Maybe someday I’ll find my way back to writing somehow. I have it in me, I just need to figure out how to make it work with all the rest.

  • nekjo

    Sometimes in the darkest times, it helps to know that there are others out there who are also struggling. Please keep on sharing.

  • jodieyorg

    delurking after yeaaaaarrrssss to say a-fucking-men. Mir at http://www.wouldashoulda.com called this the pity olympics and seriously, who does that help?

    So much of what is true about life and parenting is taboo to speak of. Why is it that if we are fortunate enough to have a good life that somehow also means we cannot feel pain or sadness. Good for you for debunking these myths with your candor (and humor frankly).

  • Cynsfamily

    Thank you Heather. So frequently I read your words and feel hopeful, because I am not the only one! I have struggled with depression for so many years, even when times were good. Please keep writing and doing what you are doing.
    Thank you.

  • waterbutterfly

    That last paragraph? Thank you.

  • Becki_P

    As many of the previous comments have said, thank you Heather. After years of reading your blog I wanted you to know that you have another supporter out there who thinks you are amazing.

    It truly means the world to know that you are not alone. I am enduring the worst depression of my life right now and at times have felt like I’m crazy to be feeling this way. But today I finally found the courage to ask for help and went to my first appt with a psychologist. I am going to take some time off work to sleep, try and recuperate and find a way to see the light in life again.

    I owe some of that courage to you for talking about the things in life that others won’t and for making it feel ok to ask for help. So thank you……for sharing your life, for being real and not pretending life is perfect all of the time, for being brave, for being you.

  • luckymom22


    It does seem like your tone changed awhile back, even before the marathon, and I worried. I wasn’t going to write anything but, since you brought it up…please make sure you are taking care of your family by taking care of yourself and be proactive about getting whatever help you need. We want you with us.

  • superkittn

    Dude. I soooo get it.

  • NoLongerEvil

    You are beautiful in every shape of the word.