I Have Something to Say

I’m really not that hard to work with. Granted, I have a hard time showing any emotion or evidence that I’m alive in team meetings, and I generally won’t acknowledge anyone who approaches my desk with paper goods in hand, but other than that I’m a really peachy co-worker. But everyone says this. Everyone says, [...]

Intimidation

Maybe it’s the way she talks with her hands. I know it’s not that she talks with her hands, but more how she moves them, the way she tries to explain everything with swooping bony fingers. I’m the last person who should be saying, hey, don’t talk with your hands. If I actually had to [...]

Reasons The Asian Database Administrator is So Fucking Annoying

1. Because he always assumes that when you say “The Asian Database Administrator” you’re talking about him. 2. Because he stares at your ear when you try to ask him why he didn’t run those scripts. 3. Because he didn’t run those scripts after you’d reminded him four different times, “You have to run those [...]

The Proper Way to Hate a Job

After 12 hours of restless sleep, wake to the voices in your head listing off possible diseases you could claim to have caught while sleeping, all of which would prevent you from operating heavy machinery or a mouse. Decide that it would sound peculiar to call in crazy to work and proceed to the toilet [...]

Recipe for Jack and Coke at the Beloved Blurbodoocery

PREP: Wake up at 5:30 AM and drive 12 miles in light traffic to a crowded public staircase where the beautiful people of Hollywood pay personal trainers to kick their flabby SAG asses up and down a grueling 170 stairs. Snicker as you pass the Tori Spellings, Andie MacDowells, and various odd commercial extras you [...]

Comments Heard In, Around, and Consequent to the Company Christmas Party Last Evening

“In honor of last night, Ruben ‘Pizza Slinging’ Sandoval is renaming his band ‘Super Human Puker’” “In case you didn’t get enough of my antics last night, please come see me and my band tonight and I promise I won’t steal the food from your plate and fling it at you.” “Ruben, put that down… [...]

Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant Rant, Part 1

Please stop picking your nose and drive your damn car. A woman over the age of 12 should not wear pigtails, especially if she is wearing sweat pants and leather clogs as well. Stop looking at my boobs. You and every other man in this office suck at being sly. Clickability is not a word. [...]

PowerPoint Me to the Nearest Sledgehammer

You’ve got to be kidding right? You can’t just hand me a 17-slide PowerPoint document and expect me to “make it look good.” You may as well gorge out my eyes with burning sabers of methane gas and ceremoniously sacrifice my body over an open barbecue pit in the name of good taste. No amount [...]

Strategic Power Lunch

Although I’d sworn off fast-food lunches last month after realizing that I’d spent over 40% of my weekly income on “extra guacamole,” today I decided to violate my midday meal policy with several co-workers at the nearest Baja Buds. I needed the camaraderie–the inevitable, universal co-worker mumblings and gripes about upper management’s staggering incompetency, in [...]

Carpooling with Co-workers

For those of you who are not familiar with the antics of dooce.com, I’m going to exercise my latent parental tendencies here and issue a warning: the following post contains delicate subject matter most likely to include references to various body parts and activities in a most un-Mormon and un-Catholic manner. I may even use [...]