You’ll see that life is a frolic and laughter is calling for you…

So I’m standing on the eliptical trainer at the gym this morning fighting the urge to take my heart rate above 140 beats per minute, a level I think is wholly ludicrous given that my heart rate can jump to 170 at the mere mention of Britney, but the doctor says that if I’m going [...]

18 Weeks, Photo Collection: A Year in the Life of Heather’s Hair

While organizing our digital photo library last week — a collection of over 4,000 photos taken since Jon and I have been together — I was reminded of what a terrible year in hair I’ve had. I don’t remember a more terrible year in hair, not even when my mom cut it all off in [...]

Free Refills on Breadsticks!

There was a relatively brilliant moment in ABC’s last installment of “The Bachelor” when the bachelor, Andrew Firestone, and a contestant named Amber were sitting at a romantically lit dinner table searching painfully for something to talk about. It seemed like just another of the hundreds of awkward moments specific to this reality series, moments [...]

It’s My Birthday, Too

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday, and although I think I reached a point several birthdays ago where turning a year older wasn’t necessarily a thing to celebrate, I’d have to say that this birthday in particular is the one I’ve been trying to stave off more than any other. There is nothing even remotely redeeming [...]

“Is your crotch hungry girl? Cause it�s eating your pants”

Because I’m too nauseous to talk about any of the normally worthwhile topics I usually discuss on this site, topics like piss and poop and the smell of my dog’s feet, I thought I’d pass along a link to a fantastic site that was brought to my attention in an email from the lovely Stacey [...]

All Too Appropriate

I don’t think there’s anything more fitting than to be recognized as “that girl” who runs “that website” while I’m standing in line at the grocery store buying nothing but a TOILET PLUNGER.

Weekend Plans

This weekend we’re going to buy this lawnmower so that we can attend to the 2-foot high wall of grass about to swallow the house. This morning I lost Chuck in the jungle lining the back fence. I swear I could hear Jeff Probst playing congo drums inside my garage. Then we’re going to Purchase [...]

No, Seriously

I’m so not kidding when I say that the boxes in the masthead above are an exact representation of the state of my new home at this moment. I’m also not kidding when I say that my front yard is covered in as many empty boxes as full boxes inside the house, and that this [...]

They Just Delivered Several New Sears-Bought Home Appliances and Installed Our Cable Modem and All I Have to Say Is:

Anyone who pronounces “warshing machine” without the special extra “r” obviously HAS NO SOUL.

Painting Rather Than Updating

In the last 10 days or so I have spent approximately 35 minutes in front of my computer, a notable and very much hurtful 4,000% decrease in the usual amount of time I spend catching up on the lives of strangers with online dumping grounds. It’s almost sad to get back online after several days [...]