Oh say can you suck!

Ever since yesterday’s post about the Mormon Articles of Faith (and sucking it), I’ve been reminiscing about all the old propaganda songs I learned in my youth, songs that taught me all the books of the New Testament in order (“And to the Heeee-brews!! Epistle ooof Ja-a-a-a-ames, Peter, Peter, JOHN JOHN JOHN!) and “We just [...]

SPOILER ALERT: YOU CAN SUCK IT, plus Mormon Doctrine recited from memory

I have purposefully caused people pain by revealing the winner of “Project Runway.” Not that the winner was revealed on the official website of the show or by any other official news organization OR ON THE SHOW ITSELF. Even Beth was a bit ticked at my over-zealous jubilation: “And thank EVERYONE that I did not [...]

You should ask her about the time I made dood balls for my Mormon boyfriend, Kovar

Over the weekend a friend from my childhood, Windy Lou, was in town for a Superbowl Party, and we met her for lunch on Saturday afternoon. She wasn’t so much in town for the party so much as she was for the person throwing the party, This Guy who used to date her friend, but [...]

I always feel like somebody’s watching me

Yesterday we received a BYU Alumni magazine in the mail with a picture of Utah’s previous governor, Olene Walker, on the cover. Please, please click on her name so that you can see her lovely mug and bask in its heavenly glory. We don’t know how BYU found our address, but I have my suspicions, [...]

She’s having a boy

One night late last week long after Leta had gone to bed and right after Chuck had ceased begging for a bite of our dinner (YES, IT’S MY FAULT, ALL THAT DAMN PIZZA), we heard a faint knock on the door. Jon and I looked at each other like, you expecting someone? Because it was [...]

Hot drinks are not for the belly

A few months after I was baptized into the Mormon Church I was at a friend’s house hanging out when she offered me a taste of her drink. I was eight-years-old at the time and had just been cleansed of all my sins, leaving them in the baptismal font to be drained into the ether. [...]

Holy Sabbath Day of Prayer

The Mormon Church holds a sort of general assembly type meeting twice a year, a meeting called General Conference where the leaders of the Church give talks about the same stuff you have to hear about over and over again in Sunday School every Sunday, stuff like: 1. The importance of being faithful 2. The [...]

If They Only Knew . . .

What a badass motherfucker they were unleashing on an unsuspecting world. You gotta love unpacking old boxes full of pictures you thought you’d burned years ago, only to find gems like this one which, if I ever ran for office, could be used against me to prove what a poseur I really am. I wore [...]

Reason Number 16

There are several reasons why I left the Mormon Church, all of which I’ve only ever articulated to my husband and, on occasion, my dog. Many of these reasons are not only related to why I left Utah in the first place, but they are also inextricable from Utah culture as a whole. And I [...]

Even their Dog is Mormon

Now wait a minute, people. I knew about the cold weather and the liquor laws and the dry air, so dry that by 3am every morning the pointy boogers in my nose form a barricade so impenetrable the airflow through my body is involuntarily re-routed through my mouth in one harrowingly gigantic gasp for life. [...]