the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I’m putting “vibrator” in this title so that it shows up in my twitter feed again

There is a pair of sister missionaries serving in my neighborhood who have knocked on my door a few times in the last couple of months. I always chat with them and ask them how they are holding up because my brother was once a missionary, and kindness goes a long way when you’re a kid living in a foreign place doing this sort of work. That’s always something to remember when a Mormon missionary knocks on your door. They are just kids. And you really should give both of them a noogie.

Also, it’s probably a good idea to keep a batch of special brownies on hand for situations like this. Be a good hostess!

(Wouldn’t you be more apt to open your door if they were walking puppies?)

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Recently when they stopped by we had a brief chat and they invited me to a function down at the local ward house. After I said goodbye I was feeling particularly naughty and tweeted this:

For those of you unfamiliar with this website, I really didn’t have them try to fix my vibrator. I wouldn’t do that. I’m a lovely flower, you see. But unfortunately, I seemed to have offended one of the gatekeepers of heaven.

“Oh high and mighty super cool Twitter girl.” I love it when someone else writes next month’s tagline for me and I don’t even have to reimburse them.

I’m going to stand before God one day, you guys, and the best part about this is that I didn’t find out about it on facebook (the place where I found out that Jesus is very directly involved with the outcome of professional football games and cares a lot about beauty pageants). Some of the more zealous Christians have finally embraced twitter! This is exciting because I have a lot of burning questions:

She never did answer my question, so I should probably crowdsource that one on facebook. I didn’t check twitter after that for more than a day because I was too busy trying to fix my vibrator (not going to take the chance that when I die and meet God that he’s no good with tools). When I did finally have a free moment to sit down and open it on my phone I discovered… well… my goodness dear. Holy Roly Poly. I feel terribly responsible for the fact that this woman is going to have some serious ligament damage to the fingers she uses to tweet:

My favorite thing to come out of this is the hashtag #readyourbible which needs it’s own tumblr, could someone make that happen, please. Also, this: “So many in this world hurt God’s heart. :(”

Frowny face? That’s all she could muster for God? She can do so much better than that. How about any one of these faces:

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No? How about something more religious? Maybe hint that you’re praying for my soul?

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Something emotional?

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How about you just get mad at me and tell me what you’re really thinking.

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Or maybe take a really deep breath, step away from your computer or your phone and spend some quality time by yourself.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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