Newsletter: April 2009

Dear Leta and Not-Maria, What is this? A newsletter? You don’t say! What, you’d given up on the idea that I would ever write one again? Well there’s your first mistake! Thinking I’m so predictable like that. I get that all the time, kids. People email me and say, dooce! God! Don’t you ever write [...]

Newsletter: Month Sixty

Dear Leta, Yesterday you turned five years old, or you could say that you celebrated your 60th month of life. Turns out I didn’t write a newsletter for your 59th month, and I blame that entirely on what I call placenta brain, the situation that occurs when a pregnant woman’s blood supply is so concentrated [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty-eight

Dear Leta, Last week you turned fifty-eight months old, and this may just be the latest I have ever been in getting around to writing your newsletter. But! I have excuses! Each one of them wrapped neatly in stomach acid and topped with a bow of mucus! What, you don’t like those? Then how about [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty-seven

Dear Leta, This week you turn fifty-seven months old. This week we also had to turn the clocks back an hour, a ritual that happens every fall, and you are still upset that Those In Charge of Time did not ask your permission. That one little hour destroys your schedule which in turn destroys your [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty-six

Dear Leta, Last week you turned fifty-six months old. Have I ever told you about some of the email I get from people who are angry at me because I’m counting your age in months? People who point out that no one else counts ages in months, why am I going around screwing with people’s [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty-five

Dear Leta, Last week you turned fifty-five months old. Yes, yet again, I’m late writing this, and I know you’re tired of the excuses. You’re going, seriously? AGAIN? Yet another piece of evidence that I don’t love you. That I never loved you. And that’s a big bucket of evidence, isn’t it? Filled to overflowing [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty-four

Dear Leta, A couple of days ago you turned fifty-four months old. I’m sure that if you were sitting here right now and I told you this you’d ask me why. And I’d say because when you add up all the months you’ve been alive it totals fifty-four. And then you’d go, why? And I’d [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty-three

Dear Leta, Last week you turned fifty-three months old. I should have written this then, but the actual day fell right in the middle of a series of major events, the most noteworthy one being that I finished my manuscript. Leta, pretty soon you’re going to learn that life is basically one final exam after [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty-two

Dear Leta, Tomorrow you turn fifty-two months old. It’s a number you can easily count to, although recently counting things has become much too boring to hold your interest. Counting and the porn business that we run out of the basement, you’re all ANOTHER HOOKER IS USING MY TOOTHBRUSH, ARE YOU SERIOUS? That’s what someone [...]

Newsletter: Month Fifty and Fifty-one

Dear Leta, Tomorrow you turn fifty-one months old. If you are reading these in chronological order you will probably notice that the newsletter for month fifty has gone missing. Yeah, about that. Would you believe me if I told you Coco ate it? You’d have to because Coco eats everything. Just this week she ate [...]