the smell of my desperation has become a stench

What I Do Not Want For Christmas

1. Socks. Please do not buy me or think about buying me any socks. No socks. I don’t need any socks.

2. Anything from Eddie Bauer.

3. Anything upholstered in denim.

4. Gold jewelry, especially of the chained necklace variety. Just go ahead and take it back right now.

5. A special message from beloved George W., President of Hazzard County. Please just keep after them Duke boys.

6. Furry house slippers made to resemble small tree-dwelling critters.

7. An invitation to your church’s reenactment of The Birth of Baby Jesus. I happen to know for a fact that Baby Jesus Himself resents being portrayed as a lifeless plastic doll with removable arms and legs.

8. The new Creed CD.

9. A $5 gift certificate to MacDonald’s. I know it’s all you can afford, so just give me the damn five dollars.

10. Golf clubs. You may as well just tell me that you hate me.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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