An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

What I’m Pretty Sure The Roommate Learned While Sipping Cocktails With Four Women Last Evening

1. Women rarely sip cocktails.

2. Never poke fun at the clothes.

3. Women are compelled to kiss and tell, especially if the man has two lazy eyes, if you know what I’m saying.

4. That was a tangent. Keep up.

5. No woman will ever admit that she considers herself skinny, even when that woman nearly goes missing when stepping behind a martini glass.

6. How about those fabulous suede pants? I mean, sweetie, come on. Have you ever seen anything like them? I didn’t think so.

7. Single women DO NOT want to hear just how much in love two roommates can be. It’s, like, outside their paradigm or something.

8. Yes, another tangent. You’re catching on!

9. Women really don’t understand that simply saying “no” to a second date translates to the man something like, “No, I don’t want to go out with you again, but please try to get into my pants now.”

10. Five dates in two weeks apparently doesn’t mean that someone is actively dating. This is LA. Get real.

11. Four women funneling cocktails will scare you screaming into sobriety.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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