An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Reasons Why This Past Week Might Just Have Sucked

1. I ate all the Cookie Crisp by 10am Sunday morning. That’s five whole days without Cookie Crisp. One, two, three, four, FIVE.

2. I woke up Monday morning with three pubescent pimples on my face: one on my right cheek, two on my left cheek. It wouldn’t have been so bad had my lover not said, “Awwww!” when I rolled over to kiss him good morning, like I was a little helpless puppy stricken with a fatal case of parvo.

3. My depression medication doesn’t seem to be working this week, not since I realized that without insurance “sanity” is going to cost me $260 a month.

4. The highlight of my week was realizing that “not getting pregnant” is going to cost me only $24 a month.

5. I didn’t get invited to the Oscars.

6. I have been asleep for 118 out of the 127 hours since Sunday morning.

7. Someone egged my innocent Honda Civic this morning, leaving yolk and shells scattered across the delicate black paint of its hood. When I find out who did it I am going to Dooce the fucking shit out of her ass.

8. Number of CD’s I want to purchase: 16. Number of dollars in my bank account allocated to CD purchases: are you kidding? I’ve got to save up for sanity!

9. I found out that exceeding the allowed bandwidth on my hosting account can cost as much as $520.67.

10. I haven’t pooped in four days.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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