the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Various Instances When Chuckles is Neither Representing Nor Keeping it Real

2:32 AM – crying like a little sissy dog when he should be asleep.

4:16 AM – forgetting that only an hour and a half earlier he was crying like a little sissy dog; crying like a little sissy dog again.

5:00 AM – thinking it’s time to play.

5:02 AM – trying to convince Mama and Papa that it’s time to play.

5:03 AM – biting Mama’s fingers.

5:04 AM – biting Papa’s fingers.

5:05 AM – deciding that he likes to bite Mama’s fingers better because of that wonderful yelping sound they make.

7:10 AM – refusing to eat prescribed puppy food, calling it “dry and hideously insipid”.

7:11 AM – begging for a small piece of peanut butter toast with a small banana “cut to look like a flower” on top.

7:35 AM – chasing every moving object on the sidewalk instead of pooping or peeing.

7:36 AM – biting Papa’s ankles instead of pooping or peeing.

7:50 AM – pooping in the most remote and out-of-reach spot in the bushes so that Mama has to crawl around in the dirt to find it, bag it and toss it.

11:00 AM – refusing to watch “Young and The Restless”.

11:37 AM – asking Mama, “What time does Total Request Live come on?”

12 Noon – wondering whether or not I heard him the first time when he said, “I’m not going to eat that shit food. Forget about it.”

3:30 PM – watching and loving Carson Daly.

4:00 PM – sleeping through Oprah.

6:36 PM – refusing to drink Schlitz malt liquor.

10:02 PM – pretending to be interested in The Real World so that Mama and Papa won’t think he’s tired and put him to bed.

10:03 PM – failing miserably at pretending to be interested in The Real World.

12:44 AM – crying like a little sissy dog when he should be asleep.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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