Heater, Mother of Lance

Burial Ground

Yesterday during intense house-cleaning festivities Jon used a wire hanger to grab one of Chuck’s lost tennis balls out from underneath the couch. Instead of a lost tennis ball, however, he discovered:

– 5 barely recognizable rawhide nubbins
– 2 whole rawhide bones
– 2 Kong chew toys
– 3 lost tennis balls
– 12 or more random pieces of stuffed squeaky toys (ears, whole feet, several tails)

At first it was really funny, like, I remember that foot! But Jon kept pulling out more and more detritus, and it was like, dude, we’ve stumbled across The Stash.

Chuck watched the whole thing in horror, like we were digging up dead bodies. He’d glance at the next piece pulled from the grave and then look at us like, my god, you people, that was there for a reason. Within three minutes he had systematically scooted everything back underneath the couch.

So Jon and I are like, okay. That’s his space. He can have his space. And I’m like, who wouldn’t give this precious little potato punkin bundle every inch of space in the whole wide world?

  • ME

    2002/10/28 at 8:03 am

    From the looks of that picture, he looks like he’ll need more than an inch of space when he’s … uh, engorged.

  • Alex

    2002/10/28 at 8:03 am

    Oh my God. You really are Jean Teasdale.

  • lapdog

    2002/10/28 at 8:12 am

    First Dean at textism.com shows us Oliver’s little dink, now you’re doing it. Is this a trend?

  • dclay

    2002/10/28 at 8:23 am

    I’d give him the couch and hope he doesn’t start trying to bury things under the hardwood floors…

  • Jory

    2002/10/28 at 8:30 am

    Oh, I’d give him space, sure. But I’d draw the line at pulpy boudoir shots.

  • brittney

    2002/10/28 at 9:13 am

    I would. And I am not even a dog person.

  • Donna

    2002/10/28 at 10:03 am

    Wow, this dog porn is better than the real stuff – it’s certainly cuter.

  • Matt

    2002/10/28 at 10:05 am

    Today it’s rawhide nubbins, tomorrow, it’s the newspaper — next thing you know your couch’ll be the home base for some seedy, underground puppy smuggling ring.

  • stacey

    2002/10/28 at 10:05 am

    Fifty percent of your commenters noticed the puppy’s precious little potato peepee. You got some sick-o readers there, Dooce!

  • Cory

    2002/10/28 at 10:12 am

    It always happens. First, it is rawhide under the couch. Then toys. Then socks. Then your evening wear. Then woodland animals. Then small countries. It happens. Watch out for Tongo. The native Tongonians aren’t fond of living under hide-a-beds.

  • feelafel

    2002/10/28 at 10:17 am

    That the only animal more efficient at hiding toys than a dog is a cat. They’re uncanny. I come home to a cat, now sans toys, who gives me a little “Prrowt!” as if to say: “Just try to find ’em. C’mon. Try.”

  • Paul Gutman

    2002/10/28 at 10:29 am

    Just you wait until Chuckles “cleans house” while you’re gone and all your t-shirts are out of the drawers where you hid them. Oh yes.

  • propagandist

    2002/10/28 at 10:58 am

    okay, that’s about 24 different toys, chew items, etc.

    you’re spoiling the boy. no wonder he pisses on your friends.

  • dooce

    2002/10/28 at 11:01 am

    watch it, propagandist, or i’ll have him poop on you.

  • April

    2002/10/28 at 11:21 am

    With friends to piss on, who needs enemies to poop on? Oh, the wonderful things you find in a dog’s hiding place. Whatever you do, don’t let him near any Victoria’s Secret panties. Not only will they disappear, but they will never reappear under the couch with his stash. I hear that dogs eat them.

  • Angelique

    2002/10/28 at 11:27 am

    i completely agree…. if you keep this up, he’ll not stop there on his road to pack-rat-dom. i have not the slightest doubt that in due time (bwahaha) he will systematically attempt to fit all of your lingerie under the couch. i’d keep an eye on your frillies if i was you.. if chuckles was human, my guess is that his pad would look much like John Doe’s place in the movie “seven”. creepy.

  • Kerry

    2002/10/28 at 11:34 am

    Hey, you sickies! Stop looking at his winky! That’s a damn cute canine. Dooce, you could be like, the next William Wegman and stuff. Except with Chucks instead of weimaraners.

  • Heather #2

    2002/10/28 at 11:53 am

    Awwww. He’s gonna make a beautiful Jennifer Beals! Not sure you’ll be able to hide Mr. Winkie, though.

  • Kevin from Seattle

    2002/10/28 at 12:32 pm

    Heather, you’re the reincarnation of Albert Payson Terhune.

  • kath

    2002/10/28 at 1:00 pm

    All the best dogs sleep upside-down.

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/10/28 at 1:29 pm

    On more than one occasion, our cats have surprised me and the wife with mass graves of catnip mousies behind the fridge and behind our chest of drawers. The largest count was about twenty. Lately, they have taken to lining several in a row near the food bowls; kinda like the head-on-a-pike warning for other dissident mousies I suppose

  • antisocial diva

    2002/10/28 at 3:14 pm

    my cats are the same way. they kick their furry mice under the furniture and i dig them all back out, thinking i am doing them a favor. but i’m not because they smack them right back under. they are so, so cute and i always buy them more that will eventually get lost to the couch and fridge goblins 🙂

  • dave

    2002/10/28 at 4:07 pm

    well, i see somebody answered that “enlarge your dog’s penis” spam…

  • kate

    2002/10/28 at 4:08 pm

    god is he ever growing up fast.

  • statia

    2002/10/28 at 4:23 pm

    You make me laugh hysterically. Thank you. Thankfully, Gromit can’t fit anything under the sofa, but if he could, and I dug that stuff out, I would be able to hear the homer voice in his head go ooooh toys. He’d pick one up and run back and forth to show it off.

  • Sarah B.

    2002/10/28 at 5:04 pm

    Word, April. My parents’ dog totally ate my VS panties, but left the old cotton Hanes Her Way in one piece.

  • Naaman

    2002/10/28 at 5:48 pm

    It looks like he has plenty of space right next to him 😉 Doesn’t he like to cuddle with his rawhide bones and random stuffed thingies?

  • spike

    2002/10/28 at 7:32 pm

    statia, you rock for having a dog named gromit. that is totally great!

    dooce, chuckles is still the cutest. imagine a kid putting his toys away as well as chuck does!

  • April

    2002/10/28 at 8:53 pm

    Forgive me, Sarah. My mind works in mysterious ways. When I first read your comment, I missed the word “dog” in “My parents’ dog totally ate my VS panties,…” and thought for sure that your parents had the most exotic tastes of anyone I’ve ever heard. Ah, well, I guess this means they don’t also hide chew toys under their couch. But that’s a good thing, no?

  • dclay

    2002/10/29 at 3:02 am

    Thanks for coming back Dooce. We’ve decided to dress up like you for halloween.

  • statia

    2002/10/29 at 4:51 am

    Thanks spike. I strive for originality. ;o) It does help that he has Gromit’s personality. I wish he could put his own toys away though.

  • Aubs

    2002/10/29 at 5:13 am

    Sighing a sense of relief here that my cats aren’t the only ones…they have a fondness for pictures (something in the chemicals of the glossy type is their newest addition) and knocking things off of my dresser/sink/television to get my attention. They’re clever, though — they aim for the trash. If I don’t go through it prior to emptying the bag, I’ll lose my FOURTH set of Tweezermans in a year. (Yes, I’ve now learned to put them in a cabinet…)

  • Bast

    2002/10/29 at 6:04 am

    Well, at least your dog doesn’t have a toy box yet. Mine do. Of course this does create a problem of who’s toys they are when my 2 year old niece comes over.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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