Heater, Mother of Lance

Good Gracious Eyebrowacious

So the weather expert people, including the inimitably booby Jillian “Water Bra” Barberie, told us that actual weather would hit the Southland sometime today.

Note: whenever they call Southern California the “Southland” I want to take a fork to someone’s water bra, it’s that infuriating. There’s not a thing Southlandish about Southern California. Not a single damn thing. No okra, no collards, no humidity, no Elvis. Not even a single goddamn tornado.

Anyway, if not by-goodness-Jesus-ball-smacks, it done come a storm this morning in the Southern Californialand. Rain and clouds and all that fussy mess that normally accompanies weather. It’s the first time it’s weathered since June, which is rather misleading because by June it had only weathered an inch since the beginning of the year, which to many of us was just too much weather altogether.

When it weathers in the Southern Californialand, many of us want to ask for our money back. I’m not sure whom we’d ask, perhaps Jack Nicholson, he just looks like he can control the weather with those eyebrows, and he lives just up the street, and he’s got money to spare.

If not him then maybe I should try to control the weather myself, what with my own monstrous bushel of eyebrowaciousness. I’ve been growing these furry fuckers out for about two months now after a disastrous freak-out with the tweezers prompted by an episode of “Glow” on the Style channel.

Some people, people like me, shouldn’t be allowed to watch the Style channel while under the influence of friends like Jack or Daniel, because people like me, people who don’t even need the influence of Jack or Daniel to get up the nerve to test out cosmetic equipment on our own tender places, will take the advice of one whore-cunt Linda Lopez and, while under the influence of Jack and Daniel, pluck out every last eyebrowacious follicle nature so brutally inflicted on the farmland of our forehead.

Well, the eyebrows are back, and they’re grouchy. And I’m pretty sure the weather is just trembling right now. It should totally stop any second.

  • April

    2002/11/08 at 8:47 am

    I sure hope so! I’ve been doing the rain-go-away dance for days now, hoping it wouldn’t pour today.

  • Shoefly

    2002/11/08 at 8:50 am

    Dooce with a unibrow? We so want pictures. Not to mention with no brows at all!

  • arnold

    2002/11/08 at 8:51 am

    Any second now, the Southland TV stations will be displaying the “StormWatch 2002” graphic.

  • Jory

    2002/11/08 at 8:55 am

    Well at least their growing back! One of my friends has been going a little overboard with Sir Tweeze since Junior High School, and now her brows simply refuse to fill in, sentencing her to look like Edith Piaf for the rest of her life.

  • Michele

    2002/11/08 at 8:57 am

    Oh…I saw that episode of Glow and disaster ensued. They should put “WARNING, DO NOT ATTEMPT AT HOME” all over that damn show. Cutesy models always look perfect in make-up and clothes, tricking us into thinking we wil too. By the way did you see that cool kit for stenciling what eyebrows should look like. Got to have that….

  • Antonio Monkerro

    2002/11/08 at 9:20 am

    I have a great way to justify eyebrow plucking: sell your used eyebrows to the eyebrow-ly challenged. Like that freaky-looking bald guy on “Smallville”, who my wife insists is a former cast memeber of “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.” If so, I’m not sure anyone could prove her right or wrong, since she’s the only person I have ever known to have watched more than two and a half minutes of that atrocious sitcom.

  • Sarah B.

    2002/11/08 at 9:28 am

    Whoa, whoa, whoa, Antonio. Let’s not talk smack about Lex Luthor. Smallville is my gay porn.

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/11/08 at 10:01 am

    Actually, it just cleared-up around here. It seems we’ve got your sun this weekend here in the , um, Eastland? Whatever.

  • Edsmonkey

    2002/11/08 at 10:18 am

    Scarily enough there is an eyebrow stencil CATALOG!
    Woulda thunk?

  • Paul Gutman

    2002/11/08 at 10:29 am

    I was personally convinced that the president of my college could control the weather because it sucked all year, and then suddenly the admitted students showed up and it was pretty springtime.

    But I like weather, which is why I’ve been ranting that I gots no autumn out here on the Right Coast.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/11/08 at 11:06 am

    Can you send Jillian up North to do the weather? We like weather chicks with big breasts to show us their live doppler.

  • hurgle

    2002/11/08 at 11:34 am

    Gay porn and endless cursing are tired memes.

  • Jeanette

    2002/11/08 at 12:34 pm

    I can fully relate to eyebrow troubles. Once when I was 12 I decided to shave around my eyebrows and mistakenly shaved half of one off! I learned all about the beauty of eyebrow pencils quite quickly!

  • Chip Tijuana

    2002/11/08 at 12:41 pm

    I think Whoopee or Vanilla Ice are the ultimate authorities on eye brows, so we should all try to find a ouiji board and contact them, well they may not be dead, but we can atleast get in touch with their careers. As far as weather is concerned, it’s been snowing for a week and a half way up here in Ottawa-land. It would really suck to be a male pornstar in a feature titled Smallville…snicker!

  • dooce

    2002/11/08 at 1:22 pm

    talking about memes is such a tired meme.

  • Naaman

    2002/11/08 at 1:25 pm

    Here in SF, we got mad amounts of rain and wind. Dooce, could you lend your brows a bit and just get rid of the wind? I don’t mind the rain — that means snow in Tahoe — but the wind is killing us all!!

  • sx70

    2002/11/08 at 2:06 pm

    the rain here in los angeles was good news bad news. good news is that since it was looking so glum lately, i had been neglecting to give ingrid her trip to the spa, and she’s been trotting me around town with big blobs of bird crap on her, and on a sexy silvery swede that don’t look so good. in any case, she got to bathe and that’s nice. bad news is that i have to hear people make that fucking “storm watch 2002” joke, as if nobody has ever heard it before. sad little fuckers.

  • the propagandist

    2002/11/08 at 2:13 pm

    tender places?!?

  • p

    2002/11/08 at 4:35 pm

    This Jillian…she’s a weather “professional?” She’s on TV? Does she dress for TV as she does for her website? This is my favorite part of said website: “Here’s my “oh-so-famous”, Charlie’s Angels pose.
    “Okay buddy, spread ‘um!” Yes, oh so famous.

  • red

    2002/11/08 at 4:48 pm

    what is the backstory on that pic of Oscar?

  • Keith

    2002/11/09 at 7:37 am

    I hate Jillian Barberie with a passion. She’s so damned annoying. I don’t care what celebrity friends she hangs out with, and she announces it every two seconds on Good Day L.A. to make herself seem more important.

  • ms lauren

    2002/11/09 at 8:32 am

    my solution: stay away from E!. it can only do you harm.

  • vibegrrl

    2002/11/09 at 7:31 pm

    Isn’t that Jillian chick on ‘EX-treme Dating’, wearing the same ugly barely-boobie-covering brown peasant top?

    On the GLOW tip, MAX FACTOR LIPFINITY IS THE GREATEST LIPSTICK EVER! Disturbing as it is, that shit NEVER comes off!!!

  • David

    2002/11/10 at 12:08 am

    why do they call her “water bra”?

  • melanie

    2002/11/10 at 9:32 am

    just cruised through water bra’s site and i pretty impressed at how banal and completely devoid of any real thought in there. (note that i said “impressed,” not “surprised.” for example, here is her rant on breast feeding in public:
    “Now don’t get me wrong, I think that breast feeding your newborn baby must be a wonderful experience, but it kind of freaks me out. I mean do you look? not look? pretend not to see anything? what? Sure the baby has to eat and it is completely natural, but it still kind of freaks me out. I’ll probably change my mind after I have my first one, but for now no thanks.”

    thanks, water bra! you’ve changed my life!

  • shy

    2002/11/10 at 12:53 pm

    must concur with melanie… went into to this water-bra girl’s site. didn’t mind the vanity of it all… she’s the basic 14 year old boys wet dream after all (and i must admit that i took a peek at her maxim photo’s), but had to laugh at one of her advices to a 30 yr old lady who wrote in about her situation of a sexless life with her husband… the advice given? “go out on a date with him! oww… better yet! get him to take viagra!”

    not dissing viagra as i have no personal reference to it, but come on! not one time did ‘couple’s counseling’ and/or ‘sex therapy’ come into play!

    hate to burst her water-bra-bubble, but the couple sounds like they need more then ‘just a date’.

  • Sumsumm

    2002/11/10 at 2:40 pm

    Jillian Barbieri gives me the impression she’s probably not EVER very far away from a vertical brass pole. I’m thinkin’ it’s not a water bra… just a few stray one dollar bills.

  • REM vs. Palace

    2002/11/10 at 4:33 pm

    I just spent five minutes on that woman’s site. Five minutes I’ll never get back again. Pathetic.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/11/11 at 5:39 am

    “talking about memes is such a tired meme.” Damn! I was going to say that!

    Note to Hurgle: Meme THIS.

  • sx70

    2002/11/11 at 9:47 am

    oh yeah, jillian barberie is CANADIAN. that’s it, i’m staying here.

  • Heather #2

    2002/11/11 at 10:49 am

    Sumsumm, hilarious! Do you have a website?

  • dewey

    2002/11/11 at 2:45 pm

    Two thoughts: a) who among us has not suffered brow trauma? Me, I spent September looking skeptical, thanks to a chatty Kathy who made the one arch higher than the other one. A month of people saying, “No, REALLY” to me got old by the end of the second week…. Kinda. (b) is by the way ain’t nobody know how to drive in southern California, and that’s as sure as little green apples being rendered by God and what all else that dumbass-song-you-can-thank-me-very-much-for-sticking-in-your-head says.
    Oh, and p.s. to you, HBH, regarding your sudden unemployment of the springtime: that’s called wrongful termination, unless you were actually blogging at work, and you can sue their ass. Finally, as for the weaselfucker that turned you in, you can rest assured that their days are forever marked by oozing pus-crusted anal sores, so there’s that.

  • shy

    2002/11/11 at 4:07 pm

    yo sx70,

    don’t be dissing canada! i’m a canadian… i’m very sorry to say that waterbra girl is also canadian… but nevertheless, don’t be dissing my country! seriously… we’re not all that bad… except maybe alan thicke. don’t know what happened there.

  • Sue

    2002/11/12 at 2:07 am

    Hey Dooce… I know your busy trying to make babies and moving but I miss the v. creative and everchanging mastheads… could you add that to your “TO DO” list please:)

  • Sumsumm

    2002/11/12 at 6:49 am

    Thanks Heather#2. It’s new.
    Other thoughts: There’s nothing wrong with Canada, my money goes a long way there. Also, Dooce… beer is only like 3% alcohol by volume up there. ‘Nuff said.

  • cat

    2002/11/14 at 8:01 am

    yeah, at the eyebrowz website you can browse through WAY too many eyebrow stencils modelled after celebrities.i once was convinced i would just be a better human if i had better eybrows. i guess that’s what i was thinking, it is the only explanation i have for being on that website for 3.5 hours. they have a pam anderson stencil, even though she barely has eyebrows. oh, and the boobs don’t come with it if you order that one…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more