the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Some of the Celebrities other than Shannon Elizabeth and Giovani Ribisi I have Encountered While Living in Los Angeles

Note: Jon and I will be leaving Southern California on Friday, so pardon the next few posts while I reminisce about living in this big, bad, botox-laden Promised Land.

Calista Flockhart on San Vicente Blvd in Brentwood pushing her son in a stroller. She’s extraordinarily and not surprisingly tiny, yet she can push a stroller like an ox can pull a plow, as if that were her job in life, pushing a stroller, and she wanted to push that stroller better than any other stroller pusher on the planet. I’ve never seen a more devoted or tenacious stroller pusher. The most striking thing about her was the space between her thighs, the space or non-space every woman obsesses about. It’s the non-space on well-endowed women that makes corduroy jeans sing, the space on Victoria’s Secret lingerie models that catches stray sounds and echoes them back and forth between opposite thighs. On Calista the space was as broad as a king-sized headboard.

Cindy Crawford eight-months pregnant ordering salami in the lobby of Canter’s Deli. She was wearing spandex work-out leggings and a white tanktop, breathtakingly radiant and sweaty just enough, her belly bulging straight ahead. From behind I couldn’t even tell she was pregnant, and at that moment I felt an overwhelming sense of inadequacy, that every other creature in the world was an evolutionary mistake. I bet that woman has never been bloated in her life.

David Spade eating sushi at Caf� Sushi on Beverly. I’ve seen him there at least four times. Nothing to report except that he really is that short and that cute and you just want to fold him up and stick him in your pocket like a little blonde gummi bear.

Andy Dick everywhere: at the mall, at the movie theater, at the grocery store, at every shop on Melrose Ave. He’s got this sickening ability to show up unannounced wherever I go, blonde curls jiggling and his glasses perched just so on his nose and those little bony fingers dancing around as he talks. And he doesn’t ever really talk, he just sort of makes this high-pitched squealing eek! eek! sound like he’s been let out of his stall and can’t find his way back. He’s omnipresent, like God or something.

Usher at the Beverly Center mall playing some sort of shoot-em-up game with what I suppose was one of the dawgs in his posse. He and his dawg were using their hands as fake guns, and they were hiding behind those mall-directory stands peeking their heads out, making “pow! pow!” noises with their mouths. I remember thinking, that is the worst fake gun sound I have ever heard, and I considered letting him know that I thought it was the worst fake gun sound I have ever heard, but then I remembered that he was Usher and that I am not Usher and that Usher probably didn’t care what I thought.

Judd Nelson screaming obscenities at a man in a car stopped at a red light right outside of my old apartment in West Hollywood off Sunset. I only caught the tail end of the argument, but it appeared that Judd was upset, or perhaps mildly not happy, and had gotten out of his car, approached the car in front of him and was about to break through the driver side window with his bare hands when the light turned green and the man in the car drove away. It was totally a scene straight out of the Breakfast Club had the Breakfast Club really been an episode of “The Sopranos.”

Keri Russell, Scott Foley, Scott Speedman and Jennifer Garner at the Felicity First Season CD Release Party which I attended not only voluntarily but with such religious exultation that I almost scared the curl out of Keri Russell’s hair. Keri was wonderful and beautiful and utterly disgusting in her cuteness. I wanted to pinch her little button nose until she shrieked. Scott Foley had really sweaty palms but I forgave him because he looked me in the eye when I told him that if Felicity didn’t choose him I was going to fucking cut that bitch. Jennifer Garner was wearing a pair of kahki pants, pleated at the waist and tapered at the ankle. Pleats! Tapers! I remember thinking, this girl isn’t going to go far in this town, not with those pleats, not with those tapers, and now she’s starring in her own prime time drama opposite Michael Vartan. Injustice! Scott Speedman, lordy bahgordy, was sporting a blonde beard matching his thick blonde head, and his jeans had holes in the knees and strategically close to his ass. He is the best Canadian import since Strange Brew.

Renee Zellweger at the Burke-Williams Spa on Sunset. She looked about 120 pounds lighter than her Bridget Jones character. I was afraid I might crush her itty-bitty body just by standing near her, through sheer gravitational force alone. She had recently been featured on the cover of Premiere Magazine and I couldn’t resist the urge to cross that unspoken celebrity/non-celebrity line, so I sort of mumbled, “Just thought you should know that you look fabulous on the cover of Premiere,” as if she didn’t already know that, as if her lawyer, publicist, manager, agent, personal chef and postman hadn’t already told her that. And she looked at me, gleaming, and gushed, “My god, thank you,” as if I were the only person in the world to notice that. I’m pretty sure I made a total impression on her and that she thinks about me and that moment all the time.

Jules Asner walking outside the E! Entertainment building on Wilshire. You know the other day when I was talking about how Britney Spears has the best tits ever? Well, I totally wasn’t thinking correctly. If I had been thinking correctly, I would have been thinking about that day when Jules Asner was walking toward me in that white t-shirt, two-sizes too small, and how for the first time in my life I had found religion.

Carrot Top browsing the porn section at a newsstand on Fairfax.

Jennifer Lopez and P. Diddy in the lobby of the offices of eCompanies. He was in negotiations at the time with a start-up “company” called Icebox, a “company” with no “revenue model,” to create a P. Diddy-themed online animation series. I really can’t tell you much about Mr. Diddy because Jennifer Lopez’s ass was in the room. She was wearing a flesh colored lycra bodysuit that fit her like a coat of paint, and you know how they say that actors are much shorter in real life than on screen? That’s totally true, but irrelevant. What’s relevant is that her ass, if at all feasible, is bigger in real life than on screen, or in magazines, or even in your hottest, wildest fantasies, it’s that big. You can’t possibly imagine how big it is. Huge. Enormous. Elephantine. And all the little dot com robots at eCompanies, all pasty-white and flat-assed and envious, myself included, could do nothing but instant message each other over and over again: CAN’T. BREATHE. ASS. IN. ROOM.

Perry Farrell walking down the street in Old Town Pasadena. He looked very Italian. I have no idea what that means.

  • Keith

    2002/11/18 at 7:00 am

    Awww… I really wish you guys could stay in L.A. Best of luck to you & DJ Blurb no matter where you go and what you do.

  • heather #3

    2002/11/18 at 7:04 am

    Will Chuck soon experience the wonders of snow? If so, I think we’ll need photos.

  • LA

    2002/11/18 at 7:21 am

    Spent about a month in LA a few years back and saw 1)Adam Sandler wearing a black baseball jacket, cap turned backwards, and horn-rimmed glasses. 2) Dave Grohl. Long-haired and white t-shirted, the coolest guy in some hipster sushi bar.

  • Rick

    2002/11/18 at 7:22 am

    According to the latest incarnation of that irritating Hannukah song, Perry Farrell is Jewish.


    2002/11/18 at 7:22 am

    Good luck with the move. Change is good, and at least we all know where to find you online.

  • Marshall

    2002/11/18 at 7:28 am

    So finally, we all now know where you used to work, and who fired you? Can we bitch at him now?

  • Kerry

    2002/11/18 at 7:50 am

    Dooce, I am utterly envious of all your celebrity sitings. Seeing how I’ve lived in North Carolina for 17 and a half years, my siting have been limited to the following:

    1. Moby. He came and did a record signing at a local music store. I stood in line so that I could offer him my own autograph. He seemed a amused and said that yes, of course he would like my autograph. It was exciting.
    2. Delta Burke. I ahd a brief stint working for a sound company when I was 16 or 17, and one time we had to do sound for this fashion show Delta was doing for some clothing line she had come out with for plus sized woman. She loked just like she did on designing women, except fatter, and she was really kind of a bitch.

    3. When I was in Catholic school, I carpooled with the breeder that the New Kid on the Block got their Chinese Sharpei from – you know, the one that was also in all the cartoons. That’s not really a celebrity siting, but since I live in NC, and not a cool place LA, I’ll take what I can get.

  • Kerry

    2002/11/18 at 7:51 am

    I really feel like I should point out that the reason my comment is totally inconsistent, with a bullet AND a number, is not because I’m stupid, but more because I am tired.

  • dooce

    2002/11/18 at 7:55 am

    kerry: i fixed it for you. how certifiably non-certifiably not nice of me. hope you get some rest soon.

  • ismat

    2002/11/18 at 7:58 am

    I saw Joe Dumars at a restaurant in Detroit once.

  • ismat

    2002/11/18 at 8:00 am

    And we all know Jennifer Garner is the big winner. That lucky bitch, what with Michael Vartan all to her tall, gorgeous, pleated/tapered khaki-wearing self.

  • julia

    2002/11/18 at 8:14 am

    hey, now…we’ll have no mocking of jennifer garner’s pants. she and i share a hometown, and believe me when i tell you that, where we grew up, tapers and pleats were the very height of fashion. actually, still are the very height of fashion. no lie.

  • ex-liontamer

    2002/11/18 at 8:34 am

    That’s quite a list. I wonder whom you’ll run into in… um, where did you say you were going?

  • georgeloveschuck

    2002/11/18 at 8:37 am

    I think you’re going to be missed terribly. Have a safe trip. What about your Patricia Arquette and Jeremy Sisto sightings? Could she be more beautiful?

  • Paul Gutman

    2002/11/18 at 8:46 am

    Am I allowed to gloat over the West Coasters that Dooce is moving closer to me?

    (yes, I know I’m in New York…we take our victories where we can).

    On the flip, damn, Dooce, that was quick! Just think it and it is so?

  • gmike

    2002/11/18 at 8:52 am

    As seen in NY in loose order over a period of 7 years:

    1. Jeff Bridges
    Bumped into him outside my work place, literally. Friendly but firmly – looking straight into my eyes, excused himself and said to a bystanding assistant: “Where is Barbara?” (read: Barbara Streisand). They were shooting some movie together on the upper Westside.

    2. Alec Baldwin
    Seen him walking down the street twice and on the set with Demi Moore.

    3. Susan Sarandon
    In a movie theater one row in front of us. We had just seen “The Banger Sister”. By the way she looked at us, we believe to this day, she wanted to tell us something. But she got up before the movie started. I guess she was in the wrong movie.

    4. Brad Pitt
    On the set to “Sleepers”

    5. Sylvester Stallone
    Surrounded by 500 body guards on 5th Ave.

    6. Goldie Hawn
    Walking down 57th Street with protruding red lips.

  • Anonymous

    2002/11/18 at 9:01 am

    no need to give up star sightings- you could always work for the sundance film institute .

  • Dan

    2002/11/18 at 9:04 am

    Heather, I was (once again) having a terrible day and you were the one to brighten it. This was a flashback to such classics as ‘dear cranky old bitch who cut in front of me at canter’s deli’ and ‘Recipe for Jack and Coke at the Beloved Blurbodoocery’ that kept me going at work almost a year ago. Cheers to you!

  • Kerry

    2002/11/18 at 9:08 am

    Thanks Dooce. That made my day, actually.

  • the propagandist

    2002/11/18 at 9:28 am

    my god, have you considered a celebrity stalking show ala mutual of omaha’s animal kingdom?

    you could force jon to engage the celebrities in dangerous situations:

    “today john will be cutting off judd nelson on sunset. look closely for the excellent coloration on the back of judd’s neck as he screams at my assistant…”

  • cassandra

    2002/11/18 at 9:42 am

    i’ve just started reading dooce, and now you’re leaving la! i find your thoughts to be irreverently eloquent – it makes my day to read dooce.

  • Heather #2

    2002/11/18 at 10:03 am

    No one has mentioned the logo. It’s my favorite yet. Along with this post. As for Usher’s pow-pow noises, I just thought I’d mention how wonderful my (soon-to-be-ex) husband thinks I am at drums: “Tchit, tchit, tchit, tchit, tchit.” It really doesn’t matter – snare, bass, bongos – makes no difference. All drums sound the same in Heather’s world.

    O-K. Soooo.

    Have a great trip. Drive safely. Love life, and live it.

  • Sarah B.

    2002/11/18 at 10:23 am

    Pleated tapered khakis? My God. For some reason, I think that just makes me love her even more.

  • antisocial diva

    2002/11/18 at 10:39 am

    “Scott Foley had really sweaty palms but I forgave him because he looked me in the eye when I told him that if Felicity didnít choose him I was going to fucking cut that bitch.” i was a ben fan than a noel fan than a ben fan and then a noel fan and yadda yadda. i wish that show were still on. it made rooting for the underdog exhaustingly fun.

  • Kevin from Seattle

    2002/11/18 at 10:41 am

    OK, here’s the thing: I spent most of the earlier portions of my life in and around L.A. Bailed out of there 30 years ago and still not a week goes by that I don’t think about going back. You will find that the pull is strong, but then you have character to burn, don’tcha? I’ll never forget that hot Saturday night on the Strip and a carload of loons cruising up and down in an Eldorado entirely covered with aqua shag carpeting. It’s a tough act to follow. All the best to you, Blurb and Senator Chuck in your travels. Will be looking forward to reading about your new life…

  • semaphoria

    2002/11/18 at 10:53 am

    while in portland oregon i lived on the same floor at college as brandy gold (wildcats with goldie hawn, and amityville horror 4, and whose first kiss was “leo” dicaprio)- who is also sister to tracy gold (growing pains) and missy gold (benson). she, and her entire family are a bit nuts in that la way – but are really just sweet as pie. and since the utah thing seems relevant – over the course of 3 years in park city i saw erkel(bad tipper / had never had a mocha before), dennis franz (good tipper / latte), cheech (great tipper / plain old coffee), and the guy who played spencer in spencer for hire.

  • the husband

    2002/11/18 at 11:55 am

    The dog’s full name: Former Congressman Henry “Buck” Chucklesworth. He’s not a senator. He might do a Senate run in 2006. He’s a Democrat.

  • Naaman

    2002/11/18 at 12:02 pm

    Just got back from LA and had dinner with Robert Rusler who informed us that when he dumped a cup of slurpee on the guys in Weird Science, the stage hand up above actually dumped a huge bucket of slurpee, drenching them while Robert Downey went crazy in the mall.

  • gina

    2002/11/18 at 12:14 pm

    Somehow I’ve avoided being a total kiss-ass up until now, but I just can’t help myself. Please excuse me, but – dooce, you really freakin’ rock.

  • se

    2002/11/18 at 12:30 pm

    Good luck with the move. Keep Chuckles safe–cellphone # on his tags? I’m a worrywort, I know. But I warned my cousin to be careful when moving with her cat. She woke up in her motel room to find he’d disappeared. She finally found him spelunking in the boxspring of the motel bed. Looking forward to hearing about the adventures of dooce, the husband, and Chuckie in THE PLACE, also known as Zion.

  • Cindi

    2002/11/18 at 12:47 pm

    People you may be lucky enough to run into in SLC; Robert Redford, Donny and/or Marie Osmond, Roseanne Barr, the cast from “Touched by an Angel”, Mrs. Fields…the list of exciting celebrities to spot doesn’t get any better!

  • vibegrrl

    2002/11/18 at 1:08 pm

    Being a radio DJ, I get to meet a fair amount of celebs. But here is a highlight or two:
    John Corbett: Touring around with Nia Vardalos(a riot), doing publicity for ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ back in April. He was Fascinating with my co-worker’s breast implants, and RIGHT before he left, while they were still all ON-AIR, she said “Hey John!” When he turned to her to respond, she flashed him!
    Jennifer Lopez: I concur. Her ass is MAGNIFICENT!
    Shane West & Mandy Moore He’s the older brother from that show “Once and Again,” and she’s, well, a pop tart. Call me cheezy, but in person, Shane was HOT. Mandy was sweet. But she was an EERIE kind of sweet. She was SO grateful that someone offerred to make her a Hot chocolate, you’d think she’d been living on the streets all winter, without anything to eat for MONTHS, and with nothing to keep her warm but a holey, dirty old coat that wouldn’t even keep you warm in July. Strange.

  • vibegrrl

    2002/11/18 at 1:09 pm

    FASCINATED, not fascinating. John Corbett was FASCINATED with my co-workers implants.

  • vibegrrl

    2002/11/18 at 1:12 pm

    ps – I had a SICK addiction to Felicty. I almost peed my pants when I found out you can buy the first season on DVD!!! I was ALWAYS a Ben fan though…

  • Kevin from Seattle

    2002/11/18 at 1:25 pm

    Re: Former Congressman Chucklesworth

    I stand corrected. I share the former Congressman’s affiliation, and no insult to his dignity was intended.

  • megchem

    2002/11/18 at 1:40 pm

    LOL…I’ll take that as a no….some people get a trip outta touching something that will end up on mars….just thought i’d offer. You aren’t gonna stop blogging when you move are you? *gasp*

  • ernold b

    2002/11/18 at 2:39 pm

    i’ve never met you or even seen you and for all intent and purposes your posts will have the same flair and snap and crackle as always and yet i’ll miss you. i’m vaclempt. i don’t know what to say here, the metro LA area will miss you.

  • Em

    2002/11/18 at 3:01 pm

    You make me laugh like no one else on the internet can. And this has got to be one of the funniest entries. I love all your experiences. “Nothing to report except that he really is that short and that cute and you just want to fold him up and stick him in your pocket like a little blonde gummi bear.” That is hilarious. Actually, David Spade is the only celebrity I have ever seen over here and I even saw him at an airport!!

  • extra crispy

    2002/11/18 at 3:08 pm

    an aim conversation between two los angeles-based dooce readers:

    person1: dooce is moving friday!
    person1: can you believe that
    person2: heh, i guesssss
    person2: oh wait she’s moving to utah
    person2: no

    your take on the angeleno lifestyle will definitely be missed. you were practically a celebrity in your own right. good luck!

  • Sammas

    2002/11/18 at 3:30 pm

    I envy you so much… especially the part about meeting Jennifer Garner. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

  • deadking

    2002/11/18 at 4:18 pm

    hey is your apartment still available?
    if that damn neighbor guy screws with me i’ll just kick his ass.
    im moving to la soon and need a place to live any info you could tell me would be greatly appreciated.

  • ron

    2002/11/18 at 4:22 pm

    so is that space between the legs generally considered a good thing? for me, it’s tending towards wrong…

  • David

    2002/11/18 at 4:32 pm

    I’ve lived in El Paso for about 6 years and the only thing i saw was a bust of some big mexican druglord on the border. “Germany meets Poland in 1939” would be the best decription of what was happening there. So fuck all this celebrity big ass, big boobs crap, go find some real action.

  • anna

    2002/11/18 at 5:00 pm

    I will be leaving this city very soon as well. I’ve had too many celeb sitings to count but my all time fave will be seeing Scott Bakula and me squealing like I was 15 again.

  • anna

    2002/11/18 at 5:09 pm

    i almost think i love you, you make me laugh so hard.

  • SpiKe

    2002/11/18 at 5:14 pm

    Hey, baby … I’m thinkin’ of high-jacking your new design. On second thought, I better not — men have been shot for less.

  • Josh

    2002/11/18 at 7:49 pm

    Sundance is the place for celebrity sitings.

    Robert Redford, of course, is always there. He is very friendly, very short, and has skin like an old bomber jacket.

    I have also seen Sally Field Fields there. I swear the woman has had cheek implants. They were so big and high they obscured her eyes.

  • Xanthan

    2002/11/18 at 9:35 pm

    Damn, Dooce. It breaks my heart to think you’re moving back to the land of fried baloney and white bread because of some mis-guided perceptions about fertility. But I wish you well, because your contribution here is reason enough to cut you continents’ worth of slack. You go show them Orem bunnies how to live! You and the DJ.

    Now, can you just get Congressman Chuck to run for senator against that Hatch guy? PLEASE?!

    And if you stop blogging again, we’ll have to hunt you down and shave your head. You know we will…

    Dooce uber alis!

  • paul

    2002/11/18 at 9:44 pm

    i met carrot top once too, a whole bunch of years ago, in montreal at Just For Laughs.

    me: “you’re that really annoying comedian everyone wants to punch in face right?”.

    him: “uh, yeah”.

  • Nikki Hoh

    2002/11/19 at 2:46 am

    I thought I was the only person who’d seen Strange Brew, eh?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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