the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Just a Few of the Very Important Things I Learned While Living in Los Angeles

– There are two types of orgasms: wasabi orgasms and warm French fry orgasms. While there may be several sub categories, like the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Supersized� orgasm, they all fall under those two types.

– White girls should wear sunscreen. (“White Girls Should Wear Sunscreen” is going to be the first single my fantasy all girl blog-rock band will release when I get around to forming my fantasy all girl blog-rock band, with Sarah on lead guitar, Shauna on bass, Mena on banjo, Margaret on glockenspiel, Melanie on tambourine, Heather on drums, and Leslie as back-up vocals and lyricist.)

– You may think it’s a good idea to date an actor, but it’s not at all a good idea to date an actor.

– Aside from having a healthy relationship and a healthy family and having your health in general, the most important thing to have in this world is great hair.

– It is not only possible but very much likely that in a company of 30 people, 15 of those people will show up to work every morning stoned out of their fucking gourds.

– You should never ever ever write nasty things about your boss on your blog, unless your boss orders Prada shoes online, talks about it out loud, and has them shipped overnight to the office.

– The Mormons will find you, no matter where you go, how often you move, or how serious you were when you threatened legal action against Jesus Christ.

– Never get into a car driven by an Asian database administrator. You may be accused of being racist, but at least you’ll still have all of your appendages.

– It’s totally okay to start drinking at one o’clock in the afternoon.

– Just because the person you’re dating knows Owen Wilson doesn’t mean that the person you’re dating is anywhere near as cool as Owen Wilson.

– Never date someone within ten cubicles of your own, particularly if that person has not only had two restraining orders taken out on him within the last six months but also wears funny little gnome shoes.

– Don’t eat the whole burrito.

– Chances are, if you have to ask, the answer is no, you cannot touch my boobs.

– Marry someone who digs down deep when he says he loves you.

  • Registered Trademark

    2002/11/19 at 11:04 pm

    But what if I really, really, really wanted to touch your boobs? And what if I was extra nice while asking? Would you let me then?

  • dooce

    2002/11/19 at 11:08 pm

    Chances are, if you are extra nice while asking, you’re gay.

  • Registered Trademark

    2002/11/19 at 11:13 pm

    Possbily true, but in this case, not. At least I don’t think so.

  • Keith

    2002/11/19 at 11:13 pm

    When I form my band (and I will eventually form my band), I will call it “Evil Petting Zoo.” Our first album will be called Music To Have A.D.D. To.

  • Alex

    2002/11/20 at 12:06 am

    Ok, most of the stuff above is just gibberish; except for the burrito comment. Wow, that hit home like a sledgehammer. If I were riding a donkey, I would have fallen off, smitten.

  • Heather #2

    2002/11/20 at 3:56 am

    BAD ASIAN DRIVERS?! I can’t wait to see what that brings out of the woodworks!

  • Marc

    2002/11/20 at 4:28 am

    I’ve been reading your website for a (very) long time and have a small concern.

    Will you become less cool when you move away from LA? I hope not. I mean, I’ll still keep reading but the minute you begin to sound like a suburban mom… I don’t know, I might have to weep a little.

    Good luck with everything!

  • kate

    2002/11/20 at 4:31 am

    don’t stop blogging once you’ve moved, ‘k? and being that it’s imminent, good luck with it. i’ll bet chucklesworth is feeling the itch, too, eh?

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/11/20 at 4:54 am

    That certainly is sage wisdom …. for those who choose to live in a playground.

  • Cody

    2002/11/20 at 4:56 am

    You forgot the Pizza Orgasm. But then I’m a guy.

    You are so right about the sunscreen.

  • Mary Brockington

    2002/11/20 at 4:57 am

    You are as funny as Dave Barry! Like Dave Barry x Courtney Love! I love it.


    2002/11/20 at 4:59 am

    I play a mean triangle!

  • Sarah B.

    2002/11/20 at 5:06 am

    Me! In an all girl band! Oh Heather, all my sweet Anna Waronker dreams are finally coming true.

  • ismat

    2002/11/20 at 5:39 am

    Can I handle your publicity? I know of several markets where such an all-girl band would be a major hit.

  • megchem

    2002/11/20 at 6:04 am

    I personally can’t wait until you’re a suburban mom….i picture beans up noses and lots of bodily functions…sigh…LA will miss you! Also, isn’t there a double-double orgasm too? And…I think noon is the start of drinking especially if it’s hot.

  • The Inmate

    2002/11/20 at 6:15 am

    So…just for reference, if at any given time I have to ask in order to touch somebody’s boobs, then I should automatically assume my chances for an affirmative answer are slim? Are you in some way supporting the unauthorized touching of boobs?
    That’s really what makes boob touching such a risky activity. You never know whether you should go ahead or not.

  • Lisa

    2002/11/20 at 6:19 am

    I was thinking that I liked both of those songs. Where do you find your music? I’d like to broaden my musical horizons. Could you educate me a bit, please?

  • Paul Gutman

    2002/11/20 at 6:22 am

    Frankly, if your orgasms burn like wasabi, you might want to consider stopping. Don’t get me wrong, I love wasabi…but burning orgasms…sounds like another all girl blog-rock band.

  • andrew

    2002/11/20 at 6:25 am

    yah i guess i’m a bug coming out of the woodwork if i’m offended by your racism about the asian stuff? i like your writing except for that stuff. it’s cheap humor and untrue and hurtful.

  • julia

    2002/11/20 at 6:30 am

    i notice your all-girl band has no name as of yet. so, as my “you’re moving away, and, although i don’t know you, i really hope it all goes well” gift to you, i’ll let you use the copyrighted band name i was gonna use when i start my band: nigella lawson’s cleavage. i get lots of hits on that via google, so i’m sure it would draw big crowds. plus, i have no musical talent, so it’s not like i was ever really gonna use it anyway. but, you know, you don’t have to use it. so…uh…good luck with the move. and the band. and stuff.

  • The Inmate

    2002/11/20 at 6:36 am

    Lighten up, Andrew. If you read some of the archives, you’d know that the Asian Database Administrator is just a character loosely based on a real person, not an actual representation of anyone or any ethnic group. Even so, it’s still funny, and if you don’t get it, doesn’t mean it’s “cheap humor”.

  • April

    2002/11/20 at 6:53 am

    If there were cute boys in that all-girl blog rock band, I would love to be a groupie.

  • me

    2002/11/20 at 7:16 am

    “It’s cheap humor and untrue…” – no it’s not. “It’s… hurtful.” – yeah, that’s why it’s funny. In conclusion, shut up Andrew.

  • Nigella Lawson's Buttocks

    2002/11/20 at 7:20 am

    Julia, that is the BEST band name ever! Dooce, you so gotta use it. I’ll even make your t-shirts for ya!!

  • Kerry

    2002/11/20 at 7:22 am

    I think Carbonated Vomit would be a cool name for a band.

  • Naaman

    2002/11/20 at 7:48 am

    Of the times I’ve been down to LA, it’s certainly important to wear sunscreen, cruise down sunset with 24 inch rims, and wear clear sunglasses indoors at dinner.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/11/20 at 8:05 am

    Re Remarks about your boss (Prada shoes or not):

    Youi need to use my all-purpose blog disclaimer:

    “Your Humble Narrator wants you to realize that cruel, slanderous, or uncharitable remarks, (which could be interpreted by the small-minded as slanderous) such as referring to his project executive as a Miss Piggy look-alike, are not made to elicit cheap laughs or to vent his anger.”

  • Zeek

    2002/11/20 at 8:22 am

    Carbonated Vomit – trademark that one. I almost laughed lunch all over my keyboard.

  • ex southern babtist

    2002/11/20 at 8:48 am

    Dooce, Oh boy, are you in love or what?

  • jennay

    2002/11/20 at 9:17 am

    When Colleen and I start a band, we’re gonna be called Middle Finger and the Fuck Yourselves.

  • Heather #2

    2002/11/20 at 9:28 am

    Jennay: your name, when repeated in my mind, sounds like Forrest’s pronunciation for his true love, Jenny. Oh, but I’m writing to tell you how much I like your band name.

  • simon

    2002/11/20 at 9:41 am

    does two samakes make a bukkake?

  • lynn

    2002/11/20 at 10:27 am

    ach, bettie serveert. a touch of chez nous…chez dooce?

  • mini moo

    2002/11/20 at 10:38 am

    how many actors did you actually date ?

  • dooce

    2002/11/20 at 10:40 am

    mini moo: my legal team has advised me not to answer that question.

  • The badass motherfucker husband

    2002/11/20 at 10:41 am

    Any of you fools even think of my wife’s boobs and i’ll tear your head off. With my bare hands. p.s. I don’t wear gnome shoes.

  • heather

    2002/11/20 at 10:52 am

    dating actors in la sounds alot like dating fashion photographers in new york. exciting yet extremely unfun at the same time. bring on the drums, baby!

  • leslie

    2002/11/20 at 11:02 am

    dating actors in LA sounds like dating musicians in new york. or anywhre, for that matter. now i’ve gotta go stay up all night and write us some songs!

  • Zosia

    2002/11/20 at 11:05 am

    I think I would like to read an in-depth thesis someday on what exactly wasabi and warm french fry orgasms are. Burning and salty? Condiment-y and fattening?

  • Cat

    2002/11/20 at 11:06 am

    Geez, all these fast food orgasms. Pizza?! Burgers?! And the oh so common wasabi condiment… People, you’ve got to work for the good ones! Don’t settle for less than glorious concoctions and decadent desserts. I’ve got two categories to add to yours, Dooce. Long Island Iced Teas and Triple Layered Chocolate Ganache Tortes Topped with Whipped Cream and Sprinkles.

  • moose

    2002/11/20 at 11:10 am

    once, after signing a guest book at an art show in wyoming, they showed up at my east coast dorm room door. men in black suits and ties. we were afraid it was the fbi or narcs or something. now, not so far from slc, they are everywhere. men in black suits and ties on bicycles. sure you wanna make this move? sure you’re sure.

  • So, if I shouldn’t eat it, can I at least *touch* the whole burrito? DO I have to ask for that?

    Aside: I think, if someone really loved you, they’d sing Mason Jennings “Butterfly”. Then they wouldn’t have to ask about the boobs, would they.

  • shauna

    2002/11/20 at 11:49 am

    ahh, you have learned much, daniel-san. (i’ve felt a mr. miyagi moment coming on all day). i do love the name of your band, and think you have the perfect hair to be the lead singer. now i must go buy a bass. woo!

  • the propagandist

    2002/11/20 at 11:50 am

    i always thought “sucking chest wound” would make a cool name for a band. so there ya go.

  • Monkey Matt

    2002/11/20 at 11:59 am

    heh heh. boobies.

  • bi coastal

    2002/11/20 at 12:42 pm

    it seems more men in los angeles are gay and don’t know it.

  • blair

    2002/11/20 at 12:50 pm

    wow. la seems so plastic. I love it.
    What ive learned from living in rural Canada:
    – fuck the french
    – ice fishing and beer are a good mix.
    – Shakin one off while in a tree stand during hunting season rocks.
    – Rush is a Canadian supergroup, yet every Canadian hates them (and rightfully so)

  • blair

    2002/11/20 at 12:51 pm

    If i had a band, they would be called ‘Dad Aftertast’

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/11/20 at 12:52 pm

    Your Band Name: Cotton Pony

    Why: I think you know.

  • Buddha Sack

    2002/11/20 at 2:22 pm

    You know what that is, right? A D-W-O: Driving While Oriental. Peace Out!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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