the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Just a Few of the Very Important Things I Learned While Living in Los Angeles

– There are two types of orgasms: wasabi orgasms and warm French fry orgasms. While there may be several sub categories, like the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Supersized� orgasm, they all fall under those two types.

– White girls should wear sunscreen. (“White Girls Should Wear Sunscreen” is going to be the first single my fantasy all girl blog-rock band will release when I get around to forming my fantasy all girl blog-rock band, with Sarah on lead guitar, Shauna on bass, Mena on banjo, Margaret on glockenspiel, Melanie on tambourine, Heather on drums, and Leslie as back-up vocals and lyricist.)

– You may think it’s a good idea to date an actor, but it’s not at all a good idea to date an actor.

– Aside from having a healthy relationship and a healthy family and having your health in general, the most important thing to have in this world is great hair.

– It is not only possible but very much likely that in a company of 30 people, 15 of those people will show up to work every morning stoned out of their fucking gourds.

– You should never ever ever write nasty things about your boss on your blog, unless your boss orders Prada shoes online, talks about it out loud, and has them shipped overnight to the office.

– The Mormons will find you, no matter where you go, how often you move, or how serious you were when you threatened legal action against Jesus Christ.

– Never get into a car driven by an Asian database administrator. You may be accused of being racist, but at least you’ll still have all of your appendages.

– It’s totally okay to start drinking at one o’clock in the afternoon.

– Just because the person you’re dating knows Owen Wilson doesn’t mean that the person you’re dating is anywhere near as cool as Owen Wilson.

– Never date someone within ten cubicles of your own, particularly if that person has not only had two restraining orders taken out on him within the last six months but also wears funny little gnome shoes.

– Don’t eat the whole burrito.

– Chances are, if you have to ask, the answer is no, you cannot touch my boobs.

– Marry someone who digs down deep when he says he loves you.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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