An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Just a Few of the Very Important Things I Learned While Living in Los Angeles

– There are two types of orgasms: wasabi orgasms and warm French fry orgasms. While there may be several sub categories, like the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Supersized� orgasm, they all fall under those two types.

– White girls should wear sunscreen. (“White Girls Should Wear Sunscreen” is going to be the first single my fantasy all girl blog-rock band will release when I get around to forming my fantasy all girl blog-rock band, with Sarah on lead guitar, Shauna on bass, Mena on banjo, Margaret on glockenspiel, Melanie on tambourine, Heather on drums, and Leslie as back-up vocals and lyricist.)

– You may think it’s a good idea to date an actor, but it’s not at all a good idea to date an actor.

– Aside from having a healthy relationship and a healthy family and having your health in general, the most important thing to have in this world is great hair.

– It is not only possible but very much likely that in a company of 30 people, 15 of those people will show up to work every morning stoned out of their fucking gourds.

– You should never ever ever write nasty things about your boss on your blog, unless your boss orders Prada shoes online, talks about it out loud, and has them shipped overnight to the office.

– The Mormons will find you, no matter where you go, how often you move, or how serious you were when you threatened legal action against Jesus Christ.

– Never get into a car driven by an Asian database administrator. You may be accused of being racist, but at least you’ll still have all of your appendages.

– It’s totally okay to start drinking at one o’clock in the afternoon.

– Just because the person you’re dating knows Owen Wilson doesn’t mean that the person you’re dating is anywhere near as cool as Owen Wilson.

– Never date someone within ten cubicles of your own, particularly if that person has not only had two restraining orders taken out on him within the last six months but also wears funny little gnome shoes.

– Don’t eat the whole burrito.

– Chances are, if you have to ask, the answer is no, you cannot touch my boobs.

– Marry someone who digs down deep when he says he loves you.

  • me

    bi coastal is a little more than “bi coastal”

  • This is Kidfarthest of Infected Pets and I’ve really been digging the Mormons lately, they seem to have it all together. I think you really should re-think your anti-Mormon position and seriously check out Chuckles, quite regularly, ’cause y’know, infected pets are a leading cause of contagion. I think along with your move, you should consider changing your views on delusional and over-controlling religious organizations, and realize that Jesus Christ himself can substitute for any cravings you might have for coffee, cigarettes, or even independent thinking. If you’re really moving to suburbia, the Mormons are there to help you conform to our societal norms and enrich your cultural experience with a history of bigotry and questionable childbearing practices. You really should cut them some slack. And give Dave Barry a break, you’re so brilliant he will never catch up.

  • OBSERVATIONS: I am one of the 15 who comes to work wonky. The DBA thing is so ridiculously true. I, too regularly, finish drinking at 1 in the afternoon. QUESTIONS: May I be the guitar technician for the band? What do you do if you boss sends you Dilbert comics with notes saying “I’m like this”?

  • Blair — Hahah! My old roommate and I spent immesurable research hours to come up with the following: “French girls… Crazy in bed, and you can’t trust ’em.”

  • If that’s all you’ve learned in L.A., it’s no wonder you’re leaving. Hopefully, Utah will be more exciting for you. Personally, I learned not to admire a woman’s ass until I’m sure that it’s a woman. Transvestites suck.

  • all my life, i’ve waited for an all-girl rock band that included a banjo player and a glockenspiel player. eee-yowza!

  • shy

    RE: BAD ASIAN DRIVERS. speaking for my people, we’re not all that bad. we’re not all that good either. we’re very good at doing math. at least that’s what my parents reminded me when i was young. i failed calculus.

  • So here I am reading your website day after day in amiable silence, not knowing that you are, in fact, the OTHER person on the planet aside from my bad, wheezy self who still worships Bettie Serveert. Shame you’re married…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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