Heater, Mother of Lance

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume I

One should never participate in a spontaneous bikini wax.

If one is taking regularly scheduled potty breaks, one is obviously not spending enough time looking for full-time employment and therefore will not qualify for an unemployment insurance extension.

My dog looks smashing in styling gel and bobby pins.

People should reconsider naming their children Kemper, or Kjeldon, or Kovar, or VeLyn, or JeLyn, or Hyrum, or Helium, or Allegra. I refuse to refer to your child as Prophet Joseph, Jr.

My mom really is the Avon World Sales Leader. She so wasn’t kidding.

Some of the people who read a website and make comments on that website are COMPLETELY INSANE.

  • Paul

    2002/12/17 at 6:34 am

    That’s why I will keep my comments to myself.

  • S.

    2002/12/17 at 6:41 am

    Styling gel works great on cats too. Especially if you have a longhair and you’ve always wanted to fulfill your latent mohawk fantasies.

  • The Mighty Jimbo

    2002/12/17 at 6:46 am

    More fart jokes! More fart jokes! And bukkake! And asparagus! I like asparagus.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/12/17 at 6:51 am

    I’m naming my next boy Vyagarah just so I can call him Vy.

  • Edsmonkey

    2002/12/17 at 6:52 am

    Remember it’s not how many times you go but how long you stay in there (and what you are reading).
    We need to see pics of Chuck in gel and bobby pins!
    *of course one also wonders how much time you spend coiffeuring your dog*

  • Anonymous

    2002/12/17 at 6:54 am

    Oh! And one should never participate in a spontaneous colorectal examination.

  • Funtime Ben

    2002/12/17 at 6:59 am

    Yeah, people who read a website and make comments on that website are COMPLETELY INSANE. I’m glad somebody said it… hey wait…

  • Prophet Completely Insane, Jr.

    2002/12/17 at 7:01 am

    My Mom, VeLyn, could beat your mom in an Avon sell-off any day, sister.

  • Brandon

    2002/12/17 at 7:05 am

    My Grandmother used to sell Avon. Well not actually Avon. It was some cheap knock-off brand based on “Aloe – Natures Miracle Plant”. Yeah, when I was 13 she gave me this acne medication…for christmas. It cured my acne, but who would have known I would have a horrible topical reaction to Aloe. Plants suck.

  • vic

    2002/12/17 at 7:08 am

    i like the names of shirley q liquor’s 19 children. some examples:
    cheeto, gynolotramin, k-martina, cotylenol, puff pastry, clymidia, champagne and the list goes on.

  • lindsay

    2002/12/17 at 7:14 am

    as a former southern-Idaho democrat Lutheran (ha! ha ha! ha ha ha!) i have to also request a moritorium on all child-names such as Cody, Dakota, Sierra, Sienna, and Hootie. No, seriously, there was a Mormon family in the town I lived in with 11 children, two of which were naemd variations of Hootie. It almost makes me glad to be back in Northern VA, with the Christian Right and all. ALMOST. I do miss the Jello molds of Logan and and Pocatello, though.

  • Eponymous

    2002/12/17 at 7:17 am

    A friend told a wonderful story of using Nair in the bikini area and then going for a jog. Two blocks later she was pounding on the door of someone’s house in dire pain. Needless to say, I have never tried Nair.
    I had my children’s names planned out since junior high. Zeus, for a boy and Odessa for a girl. No surprise I read the Illiad when I was seven.
    My mom must have bought all of that Avon crap from your mom. I think she still has some.

  • Jason Kill

    2002/12/17 at 7:19 am

    I find the comments on your site to be mostly people struggling to imitate your wit. In a world where everyone fancies himself a writer, you are the real thing. Peace.

  • Anna

    2002/12/17 at 7:21 am

    The Utah Baby Namer: My personal favorite is “Abcde”

  • shy

    2002/12/17 at 7:28 am

    to previous commenter – adobe is totally money and bling! bling! and basically super ultra mega dumb fresh! props on the cool name… i don’t know about kid’s name, but when i get a dog, i’m calling him mango. dooce, i am sorry that i am insane. but i am now on xanax so i’m much more relaxed these days.

  • dooce

    2002/12/17 at 7:30 am

    shy, i only said some of the people, not all of the people.

  • liz

    2002/12/17 at 7:42 am

    now, I knew someone named Allegra..

  • aubs

    2002/12/17 at 7:47 am

    a boy from my high school truly wanted to name his kid ‘asshole’. His name would be ‘Asshole Kane.’ I think in his twisted mind it would rid people of the thoughts of naming him ‘Candy’ instead. Re: hair gel in dogs, I painted my cat’s tail white last night out of frustration from him continuing to walk on my newly gessoed canvas. Thus far, he seems to like his smashing new look. I’ll give him Clairol Mega hold next time.

  • drew

    2002/12/17 at 7:56 am

    i have a niece named xaundelle

  • Naaman

    2002/12/17 at 8:09 am

    Some people can be completely insane all of the time, or all of the people can be completely insane some of the time, but all of the people cannot be completely insane all of the time. *This excludes Rev. Jesse Jackson, Jerry Fallwell, and the newly added Trent Lott.

  • the media

    2002/12/17 at 8:11 am

    best kid name, god almighty. almighty for short.

  • why be normal?

    2002/12/17 at 8:23 am

    My neighbors named their newborn daughter “Laura” and I’m all like what kind of wacked name is that???

  • alli

    2002/12/17 at 8:34 am

    I already know I’m insane. But thank you for the reminder!

  • Mark

    2002/12/17 at 8:55 am

    Woof. Pass the carrots, please.

  • ex southern babtist

    2002/12/17 at 9:02 am

    You are right about the insane thing. I just glance past those ones. The good commentaries are the ones I pay attention to.

  • shy

    2002/12/17 at 9:05 am

    forget what i said previously… i obviously didn’t read what anna wrote properly. ‘Abcde’ is so not the same as ‘adobe’. obviously my xanax is relaxing me a little too much.

  • Laura

    2002/12/17 at 9:06 am

    Why Be Normal?: It’s a perfectly lovely name. So don’t even step to this.

  • shy

    2002/12/17 at 9:07 am

    believe me, dooce… i think it’s safe to categorize me in the insane category. but thanks for the clarification. 😉

  • Totah DinÈ

    2002/12/17 at 9:11 am

    The name Hortense makes me giggle. It’s an oxymoron that I find rather amusing.

  • kgjbnme

    2002/12/17 at 9:14 am

    Rule for Naming a Child: the name should sound good with “U.S. Supreme Court Justice” preceding it.

  • peechie

    2002/12/17 at 9:59 am

    The absolute *worst* thing people can do to their childrens’names is to try to give them an ordinary name, but spell it all fucked up so that *nobody* can ever pronounce it (or spell it) correctly. ie. Gennie (for Jenny), Brandyn (for Brandon), etc. There would be better examples if I weren’t tired – think of your own.

  • Aarika

    2002/12/17 at 10:18 am

    Yeah, that “taking a normal name and spelling it differently” thing is SO 1980.

  • Suzyn

    2002/12/17 at 10:56 am

    It’s just a name, for the love of god. So our parents were stoned hippy weirdos or addicted to `80s nighttime soaps or romance novels or just all pseudo-creative. We pay our bills on time, have our cars approved by state emission controls, recycle our newspapers and generally try to be decent citizens. It’s not like we’re preparing neo-fascist terrorists to take over American culture. Damn.

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/12/17 at 11:07 am

    I’M not the one who’s insane…HE is. No I’m not. Okay, stop it, you two.

  • Sheila

    2002/12/17 at 11:26 am

    I went to school with some named Syndi. *ralph*

  • slackjaw

    2002/12/17 at 11:31 am

    eay don theenk imall that crazee. huh? noow not awl craezy……… jus sotra inna hed

  • Dave Thomas

    2002/12/17 at 11:32 am

    You want to talk about painful names?

  • megchem

    2002/12/17 at 11:45 am

    Um, It’s NEVER a good idea to wax your armpits….I almost passed out!

  • HurgleGurgle

    2002/12/17 at 12:53 pm

    More commentary on Utah County, some of it funny:

  • HurgleGurgle

    2002/12/17 at 12:54 pm


    Snide Remarks

  • nicole

    2002/12/17 at 1:14 pm

    don’t forget ‘skeeter, scooter, critter, cooter, and thud’.
    that still makes me laugh.

  • dennis

    2002/12/17 at 1:29 pm

    Is there normally a lot of planning associated with bikini waxing? Teach me the secrets of intimate hair removal!

  • April

    2002/12/17 at 1:30 pm

    I don’t suffer from insanity. I’m enjoying every minute of it.

  • bucci

    2002/12/17 at 1:37 pm

    I try to be as witty as Dooce, but I think I always fall short. I guess I comment because it makes me feel a little like I’m a part of something great. Why is ‘Hortense’ an oxymoron? And ‘Laura’ was a made-up name too, only it was made up by Petrarch from the ‘Laural’ the wreath given to great poets. So, ‘Laura’ is the name of the fleeting beauty, the Muse that refuses to linger.

  • LK

    2002/12/17 at 2:23 pm

    i second on the “fucked-up spelling of normal names” comment. just think of all the wasted seconds in a person’s entire lifetime spelling out his/her name every single time someone asks. “my name is Kristyn. K, R, I… no, I… S, T, Y… no, that’s a Y, not an E…” oy.

  • the propagandist

    2002/12/17 at 2:29 pm

    yeah, we’re crazy. i’m just a hired character assassin.

    you’re a dog hairstylist and endurance potty breaker.

    you lose.

  • Natasha

    2002/12/17 at 2:43 pm

    I just stumbled upon your website today, and I’ll tell you my opinion: I happen to LOVE it. Your comments are right up my alley—I thought *I* was the insane one for thinking this way!!! Keep it up.

  • Anonymous

    2002/12/17 at 3:33 pm

    why dont you list the names of people that make good/funny comments.

  • Russell

    2002/12/17 at 4:00 pm

    Doocerama! Yipes. No more tears pour moi–consider me thrilled to (accidentally) find you back in business.

  • Rachel

    2002/12/17 at 4:37 pm

    After listening to your “Leaving L.A.” mix, you should make a “Dammit, I live in Utah mix.”

    Fabulous set of songs back on that page.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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