the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Things I Miss About Los Angeles

Andy Dick.

Christmas shopping outside in flip-flops.

Accurate forcasts that come not in blocks of 7 days but in blocks of 365.

Being surrounded by people with actual pigmentation.

Running stairs in Santa Monica with Tori Spelling’s boobs and that shirtless Moroccan body-builder who ate small children for breakfast.

Happy hour every hour.

Having my boss show up to work an hour late with a massive case of the munchies.


Running into someone who knows someone whose male cousin has slept with Tom Cruise.

The daily 4am helicopter fly-bys crashing the ecstasy party on the roof of the building, and the subsequent scuffling of Kenneth Cole boots getting the hell out.

Gigantic, perky breasts everywhere.

Knowing people who will get into heaven not because they believe in God, but because they are prettier than God.

People who know how to be pretentious without pretending they aren’t being pretentious.

Trader Joe’s.

Bathing Chuck and having him skid like a race car across the hardwood floors head first into the wall of the living room in our old apartment.

Fellow drivers who aren’t afraid of dying.

  • Terry

    2003/01/30 at 8:41 am

    Sounds like hell.

  • Erma

    2003/01/30 at 8:53 am

    I’d love to go Christmas shopping wearing flip-flops, but crazy New England weather hasn’t let me do it, or at least do it and let me enjoy it.

  • feelafel

    2003/01/30 at 8:58 am

    Sadly, LA pretention is often imitated (although as you say, is never replicated). I wish people from other places would get their own thing. Like Ottawa. I’m from Ottawa. Windchill is our thing. Nobody does it better. It was -39 with windchill earlier this week in Ottawa … that’s the same in F as in C. So, what’s your thing, places other than LA?

  • chukee

    2003/01/30 at 9:00 am

    And those flocks of noisy, little, green parrots everywhere…

  • Brandon

    2003/01/30 at 9:00 am

    Trader Joe’s looks like WAY to much fun. I think I’d be very well stocked indeed if I shopped there. Also, why does everyone have this big infatuation with HUGE breasts?? I mean, I suppose natural ones are ok, but fake ones kinda turn me off. To the point where I’m thinking the smaller the better. At least then I know they are real.

  • Buckosmack

    2003/01/30 at 9:02 am

    Trader Joes says it all. We have them, we gave them birth and no matter where else they show up, they’re still ours! All ours.

    “This town is our town, it is so fabulous. Bet you’d live here if you could and be one of us.”

    Straight into Heaven for me!

  • bonnie

    2003/01/30 at 9:05 am

    My first post on the dooce site has got to be this one question: Do you tweak your photos to get that nice velvety, fuzzy, warm look, or is your camera just that fucking awesome? I’ve always admired how most of your digital photos have that above mentioned rich quality, but I may have missed any previous mention you’ve made about what type of camera or tricks you use.

  • Summer--the other ex-mormon

    2003/01/30 at 9:11 am

    Wow. Andy Dick, boobs, Tom Cruise and gay sex, the munchies, perky breasts, ecstasy parties, and Trader Joe’s. What’s not to miss… sounds like fun to me! It’s definately a 180 degree turn around from the Stepford environment you’re in now.
    I think we should all send Dooce little care packages of sand, tostadas, and heat lamps so she can build her own mini-LA in the back yard. You could get those life size cardboard standups of all the celebs and have a fabulous party.
    Then again what would the neighbors think?? *gasp*

  • Summer

    2003/01/30 at 9:13 am

    Feelafel–Arizona. It’s like 82 degrees out today. I’m wearing shorts.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/01/30 at 9:15 am

    yeah…i like those things about socal too. but you did trade up in some ways too.

    free range, organic, hormone and additive free breasts.

    air you can’t see.


    seasons that are not linked to tourists, advertising and new fall releases.

    more guns, but less people actually using them.

    drinks that cost less than 15 dollars.

    housing you can actually afford without having to sell a script, your body, crack, or your soul.

  • Jory

    2003/01/30 at 9:22 am

    Here in Utah, Dooce, we try to bring a little bit of flavor country home with the Film Festival — a poor substitution, but hey. I totally saw Andy Dick at the Egyptian. No puking midgets though, er I mean, his entourage.

    And Summer? What would the neighboors think? You *know* she’d be called as the mutual coordinator within 10 minutes of that shindig, for sure.

  • helenjane

    2003/01/30 at 9:27 am

    yesterday i saw this platinum lovely leap from her jag to hug a stuntman and she seriously had one canteloupe on each side of her chest.

    they were fucking works of art, those breasts.

    viva LA!

  • rosebaby

    2003/01/30 at 9:29 am

    yeah! the driving! 70mpg bumper to bumper! that may be the only thing i miss. and the mexican food. and the beach.

    but san diego for chrismas every year solves some of that.

    you’ll end up going back to visit and realize why you left, and not regret it.


  • Jen

    2003/01/30 at 9:36 am

    Is it really sunny there all the time?

  • George

    2003/01/30 at 9:49 am

    I miss Chuck, especially when he would come over after American Idol and his mom and my mom would drink lots of wine and sit on our stoop enjoying the warm weather.
    Things that Chick misses about LA;
    Animal Crackers, Runyon Cyn. Puppy play group, sprinkler heads, the beach, his lookout window
    Sara and Brad and mostly me. Bring him back….

  • chukee

    2003/01/30 at 9:50 am

    Jen, it is sunny most every day. This is why I left mossy Seattle for dusty LA. Lush and green is great, but if you have S.A.D. you won’t appreciate it.

  • pbert

    2003/01/30 at 9:50 am

    Why DID you leave it?


    2003/01/30 at 9:59 am

    trader joes. i’ve said it before, i’ll say it again–the trader joes on third and la brea has the greatest percentage of hotties per square footage of food purveying in probably all of north america.

    having said all that, we miss your LA posts, and we’re happy to see this one.

  • brittney in nashville

    2003/01/30 at 10:00 am

    Yes, gigantic, perky breasts are far superior to gigantic, perky hair.

  • ex southern babtist

    2003/01/30 at 10:01 am

    Ahhh, gotta love LA!

  • rosebaby

    2003/01/30 at 10:09 am

    hey! britney at sundance!

  • robby rist

    2003/01/30 at 10:18 am

    i dont care who you are, you gots to love big boobies. especially they way they are presented to you in LA. for you viewing pleasure. actually everything is like that here. like LA is one big TV show. weird. i just realized that im cousin oliver.

  • Kate

    2003/01/30 at 10:24 am

    Is it bad that the only thing I buy consistently, every time I hit up Trader Joe’s, is their peanut butter cups? Those things are like Turkish Delight for the Southern Californian.

  • Summer

    2003/01/30 at 10:24 am

    Jory you are SO right. And assignments would immediately go out for which people could sign up to bring a “sweet” or a “salt” dish… and lots and lots of green jello with grated carrots in it… and the casseroles! Oh the casseroles!! I totally forgot.

  • Some Guy

    2003/01/30 at 10:24 am

    The year I moved to SoCal it rained through part of January and most of February. A local said it was the most rainy “winter” he could remember. It’s strange though, even when it rains out here it’s brighter than it was on a normal day back in Pennsylvania. The only thing I miss is thunderstorms.

  • Cros

    2003/01/30 at 10:31 am

    The best thing about L.A. is that there is always the potential of something bizarre and interesting happening…. L.A. is such a large blob of dislocated people, most of whom have abandoned thier home towns for “something better”, all huddled together in one spot, that just by the law of averages, like a million lost monkeys banging on a million sunbleached typewriters, something interesting is bound to happen just about every day….

    Oh Yeah, and there is a lot a fake boobs too.

  • pbert

    2003/01/30 at 10:32 am

    I order the ribeye most times but man, that porterhouse sure looks appetizing. The ribeye always ends up costing less, AND I get to enjoy every bite.

  • moose

    2003/01/30 at 10:32 am

    Congrats on your gobs of gigs. We all want you to stay meta.

    Mighty Jimbo: amen, brother.

  • Suzyn

    2003/01/30 at 10:32 am

    We have Trader Joe’s here in Chicagoland–it rocks: a lb. of shade grown organic columbian coffee for $7, chocolate out the wazoo, great wine, and Cabot’s butter and sour cream–cheap…God has kissed me on the lips.

  • nora

    2003/01/30 at 10:48 am

    as a TJs is my store of choice person who once spent 5 months sans Trader Joe’s in Orlando, I feel your pain. I also expect that if you gave us a wish list, we, your loyal and adoring fans, could probably be persuaded to ship you goodies.

  • Funtime Ben

    2003/01/30 at 10:49 am

    You should start the LA sightseeing experience. Perky breasts, Andy Dick, Tori Spelling’s boobs, happy hour, Tom Cruise, body-builders who eat children… I know most tours feature Tori Spelling’s boobs, but why mess with a good thing.


    2003/01/30 at 10:54 am

    Things that are missed by us locals:

    Dooce and Blurb

    I used to have hope that there was a balance of good guys in this mess.

  • Jon

    2003/01/30 at 10:59 am

    Hrm, I’ve seen people in New England wearing flip-flops in all kinds of weather. Tevas + thick socks, seems to work for them.

  • jimmypage

    2003/01/30 at 11:02 am

    d00ce – what you’ve mentioned, thus far, about utah, makes mormon country sounds like a kinder, gentler nazi concentration camp.

    so, do what you need to do… use the donations people have sent you to move back to LA & get a perky boob job. oh & post the pics. -jp

  • kindle

    2003/01/30 at 11:03 am

    Hey hey now, Trader Joe’s isn’t just in Southern California. The delightfully temperate Bay Area has them too.

    (I wonder if I can stir up any Northern Cali vs. Southern Cali rivalry. Hrm..)

  • Irk

    2003/01/30 at 11:07 am

    That almost makes L.A. sound kind of good.

    I’m from Detroit. I think our thing is a distinct lack of things. Except for gas-guzzling SUVs that support terrorism. Although we did just get a Trader Joe’s. And we’re the only point in the contiguous 48 that is north of Canada.

  • christa

    2003/01/30 at 11:10 am

    feelafel – I’m from the Jersey Shore where our thing is bitching and moaning about New Jersey but secretly loving it. We also make fun of the hosers from South Jersey.

  • Buckosmack

    2003/01/30 at 11:26 am

    And another thing, LA ain’t the only place fake titties are born and rasied, c’mon now.

  • sarah

    2003/01/30 at 11:38 am

    Dooce, that comment about Tom Cruise is going to get you a lawsut…you know he goes after blood, because, like, he’s not gay. 🙂

  • anna jr.

    2003/01/30 at 11:43 am

    um, i live in arkansas.

  • Kat

    2003/01/30 at 11:54 am

    I may or may not know someone who may or may not have seen Tom Cruise and his male “personal assistant” doing things that may or may not be classified as “homosexual activity”. Allegedly.

  • darian

    2003/01/30 at 12:00 pm

    It’s 81 degrees here today, I’m sweating my ass off.

    Hopefully, I’ll have fake boobs in a few years.

  • Rebecca

    2003/01/30 at 12:06 pm

    better than being stuck here in canada… igloos and all.

  • ME

    2003/01/30 at 12:09 pm

    the trader joe’s in west hollywood was the best – we stocked up on stuff there before we returned to NYC – we don’t have them here in the 5 boroughs yet and have to settle for the one in Philly when we visit relatives.

    Still looking for the gigantic perky breasts here in NYC…

  • the media

    2003/01/30 at 12:11 pm

    la fucking rocks.

  • Katie

    2003/01/30 at 12:19 pm

    You guys don’t have Trader Joe’s in Utah, huh? What a sad world.

  • Lauren

    2003/01/30 at 12:23 pm

    Christmas shopping outside in flip-flops.

    Yea…that’s something I love about Texas, as well.

    I think that Los Angeles misses you too.

  • The Other Erika

    2003/01/30 at 12:31 pm

    Knowing you will see your fave celeb..eventually. Running into Billy Bob Thorton shopping on Melrose and having a 45 minute conversation and being amazed at how unbelievably nice and normal he is!

  • Yahmdallah

    2003/01/30 at 12:36 pm

    Regret is like a wine stain on the carpet. It never quite fades away, but eventually you don’t even see it anymore.

  • Zan

    2003/01/30 at 12:37 pm

    I love the fact that it looks like the Gigantic George appears to be crouching down to fit in the frame… He looks like a huge dog, although it’s probably just the angle of the photo.

    Chuck looks totally confident that even though he’s standing next to this tank of a dog, he’s like,”I am SO cool… come pet me”

    Your photos rock.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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