An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

The Loni Anderson Effect

So I’m on the phone with my father last night, and it is reiterated to me as it was throughout my childhood that the two most important things about a woman are her boobs and her cooking.

And so I turn to Jon, my darling husband, and I say, “It’s always the same with him, the boobs and the cooking, can you believe that?”

And Jon looks at me and says, “You know that’s crazy. There’s so much more to you than your boobs and your cooking.”

And I’m like, exactly!

And he says, “But, I really do like your boobs.”

And I say, “You really like my cooking too, right?”

And he says, “Of course. God, I love your cooking.”

And we both pause and think for a second, and then look at each other and say simultaneously, “Maybe it is about the boobs and the cooking.”

  • lee

    I liked Scott’s comment. “I can cook for myself.” So refreshing to hear a man say that, even if it was preceded by a boob comment.

  • Natasha

    I neither have much in the way of boobs nor do I cook much more than spaghetti, but my fiance loves me anyway. As he told me when I read this to him, he said, “Oh, honey–it’s about YOUR boobs and cooking, as minimal as both may be!” Gotta love a man with the ability to joke at your expense but say it so sweetly that you can’t help but laugh.

  • Makes lots of sense to me. Species propagation needs hardly more than food and sex! So, yeah, they’re damned important!

  • Are you sure your father was refering to cooking in the kitchen?

  • Shit! No wonder I’m still single. And I thought there was something wrong with me.

  • It’s about cooking topless.

  • shy

    i’ve got to agree with the boys… (oYo) are better than (o)(o). but… they’re better then (.Yo) or (0Yo). perky is nice too… (*Y*)

  • Well once again the Autralians have beaten us Americans to the punch.

    Nigella Lawson
    has both the boobs and the cooking show…I just can’t figure out how we didn’t come up with this first!

  • slackjaw

    that didn’t work… here you go…

  • it’s true. all a girl needs in life are boobs, a smile, a brain, and perhaps a warm burrito.
    by the way, my (oYo) took the blue ribbon at the tri-county fair last year. giddyup.

  • it’s really just about the boobs. if the boobs can cook then, it’s a bonus

  • poop on a stick

    I love my gf boobs but her cooking is something much less desireable, i guess that is y I do the cooking…
    Unfortunatly I don’t quite have the rack…

    So what about Paper money donations????? I am not one to give my money to either AMazon or Paypal?
    Is there a donation PO BOX or sumpthang…..
    dag yo!!!!

  • I can’t believe nobody’s hit on Summer yet. She’s allegedly got the boobs, the cooking and even throws in a flat stomach!
    I guess I should be the one to say:
    Hey, Summer. How you doin’?

  • And he’s only being nice to you about the cooking part.

  • Ummm. LA? Lemme introduce you to the husband.

  • Oooh. Inmate. She’s totally cute. We love her over at convivial.

    Hey, Dooce. You were so on my spin-the-bottle list until a certain Jackie-O reminded me of Owen. Sorry. Had to bump you. But if I could have four…

  • what other skills does summer have?

  • Alex The Male

    Very astute post, dooce. Although, there is a glaring omission that changes everything…the fat ass. Boobs and cooking are important…don’t get me wrong, but watching a fat ass get out of bed and jiggle it’s way to the bathroom or kitchen makes every guy wince. We always look.

  • alex the male:

    that is just so unfortunate to hear.
    you just effectively removed any trace of self confidence from this fat assed woman.

    thanks and fuck off.

  • lee

    Most guys I’ve talked to dig the ass with a little bit of shake, Anna. Have you forgotten Sir Mix-A-Lot?

  • I was at a Sleater-Kinney concert last night where they said they’d recently seen a poster that said, “Boobs, not Bombs.” Turns out the poster said Books not Bombs, but the band and the audience seemed to prefer Boobs over Books.

  • schmecky

    It’s really about the coobs and the booking.

  • da

    i second the paper money thought. boobs are king but cash counts too.

  • Um…convivial you said? Yes, of course…
    Cuteness notwithstanding…don’t call us, Summer. We’ll call you.

  • boob size is directly related to ass size. you want one, you’ve got to put up with the other. it’s all just globs of fat.

  • I just found this link {click above} on a restaurant in China serving dishes made with breast milk, also this via BoingBoing
    2003_02_01_archive.html#90266825 about a new compound found in breast milk that soothes bitter taste, so maybe Dad knew more than he thought he did.

  • QuesoDiablo

    as a man i think that the best quality a woman can have is to be able to stand me. And that would generaly be about it. and i guess the cokking would be a nie thing, and now that i think about it nice boobs is also a plus, but the big one is being able to stand me.

  • girl

    My girlfriend and I are both excellent cooks — and we both have great boobs. Being a dyke rocks, dude.

  • stop calling me that –

    unless the boobs are the kind you buy. those come with small asses too.

  • so what’s up with the dooce singles column, for all us weirdos who wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole? We should ask Ben and Mena if they can add that feature to MoveableType. now that would uber-fantastico!

  • Not so, Stop Calling Me That and Anna Jr.

    My sis and I both have DD+ (hers are bigger) with the most non-existant asses you’ve ever seen. Her’s, smaller than mine. She’s top-heavy to the extreme.

  • too much of one thing isn’t a good idea

  • I apologize for my earlier stupidty/silliness. I hereby detract my last statement. *note to self: start with Jager shots after 4pm. AFTER!

  • kate –

    wow. should i be jealous or feel sorry for you?

    i want smaller boobs AND a smaller ass.

    but i guess if i had to choose -between big boobs/small ass and small boobs/big ass – i’d…well….i’d….

    well, i guess i don’t get to choose, do i?

  • yeah well . . . weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.

  • Hmm… you’ve made me think about this, and I’ve realized the two things my husband thanks me for most are my boobs and my cooking.

    Maybe there’s some connection between the food an infant male derives from his mother’s breast and his later obsession with boobs and cooking. This calls for an anthropological study.

  • Speedo

    Being single and busy, I would be in favor of a Boob Buffet. All the boobs you want for a set price. I suppose the price of the buffet would reflect the quality of the menu, which brings up quality vs. quanTITy.

  • Your Correction Officer

    Freud came to that conclusion about a hundred years ago. According to him, all babies see the breast as a giver of nutritional satisfaction. When they no longer need the breast to get food it gradually turns into a thing of sexual satisfaction. More for the males, since Freud believed that all males have a sexual attraction for their moms.

    Boobs: The giver of life.

  • Hey Kate. How YOU doin’?

    Could not care less if you can cook or not.

    (also goes for Kate’s sister)

  • Natasha

    Correction Officer:

    I like boobs. Others than my own, I mean. Does that mean I was sexually attracted to my mom?

  • Inmate fucking rocks.

  • Your Correction Officer

    Natasha: Everyone likes boobs. I’m just pointing out what Freud said. Basically everything boils down to sex and aggression and what we like and get pleasure out of early on in life becomes sexually motivated. There are exceptions to every rule, but if you really want to get Freudian, technically you’re sexually attracted to your dad. Don’t shoot the messenger.

  • Why did you have to make that post about having to read every article. Takes too long. Dooce too popular. Can’t breathe…

    I like boobs.

  • Well, since Freud has entered the argument? I will postulate that Darwin has more to do with this than Freud. It’s about survival, the woman with the big tits can feed my kids {and me} and if she can have dinner waiting after I kill some big ass mammal I will be far more inclined to make more chalupas. And as some foul anus rap “artist” put it “boobies is the tits”

  • …still can’t breathe…

  • …still can’t breathe…

  • Dear goodness why do so many people feel the need to comment?

  • Chris

    ’cause we can, an’ we like it.

    Nuff Said

  • Woohoo, I’m the 99th commenter!

  • rah

    i just wanna try to be #100

    i have the boobs and my boyfriend has the cooking. we’re a great fucking team 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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