This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Things that are, like, totally bothering me

Mormons who believe that driving over the speed limit will prevent them from achieving their eternal salvation. I’m certain that given an open road, God would totally haul ass.

The Earthlink customer service representative handling my complaint who has apparently gone AWOL. He won’t return my phone calls or my emails, even the one in which I mentioned that I’m backed by an army of people who really like to talk about poop.

Flossing.

Kwick Kleenup and Kountry Kitchens, those motherphucking phreaks.

Celebrities who aren’t keeping it real.

My dog’s new habit of ?manipulative moping? wherein the little turd hides behind furniture and cowers at the slightest indication that my mood is about to change, just so that he can get more whiskey and fudgecicles.

Too much snow.

Granny’s incessant, unending stories about Brother Smith, no wait, maybe that was Brother Jensen, no wait, maybe that was Brother Petersen, no wait, I can’t remember, but it happened in 1942, no wait, maybe it was 1943.

Feeling helpless.

  • The unflattering Princeton Review of my college.

  • don’t give chuck chocolate or fudge or raw or fried onions. they are poison to a dog’s system. some vets say a little bit won’t hurt but i don’t take that chance.

  • Quesodiablo

    realizing that today the world has emailed me and the headline is “YOU SUCK” and i agree. I think i need some drugs or something i dont particularly like this defeated “i suck and the world knows it” feeling i woke up with this morning but i will continue to be too lazy to acually do anything about it. oh well

  • The ladies from floor 3-8 of my building who come to the 2nd floor bathroom (the floor where I work) to poop. What’s so attractive about the 2nd floor bathroom? Are they really that afraid to poop on their own floor?

  • Ha! That sounds like my grandma, she has to many kids and grandkids. When she wants to say something she’s like “Brett, Duane, Randy, Kyle …” Usually I tell her who it is she needs to talk to before she gets down the list. And she’s not even that old!

  • “I’m certain that given an open road, God would totally haul ass.”

    see. right there. statements like that make me want to tattoo your URL accross my forehead.

  • the person/company who thinks my home phone number is a fax machine and enjoys faxing things at 8:15 a.m. every day.

  • People who have lived near me for over a year and a half and finally came over at 9:15PM on a SATURDAY to tell me to turn it down.

    You’ve had a long time, dammit. Stop complaining. And on a SATURDAY NIGHT??!??!?!

  • PJ

    Yikes! A disclaimer: I AM NOT the PJ commenting on The Husband’s site. I’m the one with the pooping kid from Chicagoland.

  • The Smug Little Fuck of a real estate agent who is selling my house and who talks to me like I three years old.

  • shy

    feeling helpless… good entry by blurbomat. as a canadian, i’m fearfull of what g.b. is about to do…

  • It isn’t just mormons, Utahn’s in general fall into the category of worst frickin drivers ever. I lived in NYC for awhile, and New Yorker’s are saints compared the the way people drive here… cutting you off, never using signals, speeding like demons or deciding to drive under the speed limit by like 20miles/hr. I think you have it backwards, I think they think it is the ONE thing they can do horribly and get away with it.

  • My supersonic-hearing-endowed upstairs neighbor who goes to bed at 10pm and likes to “communicate” by pounding on the floor.

  • simpleton

    i understand the helpless feeling. i feel completely helpless to judge the immense amounts of conflicting information that is flying around. why should we believe right-wing OR left-wing propaganda? on one hand, our government (always embodied in George W., for some reason, as if one man is capable of such evil all by himself) is one giant, sadistic, inhumane conspiracy, OR it is acting (albeit selfishly) to protect the interests of the US. we are all human; we all make mistakes and exhibit poor judgement. why should we expect our government to be any different from us?
    US citizens are loud, brassy and brawny. we whine, complain and always want to get our way. we become indignant when someone doesn’t speak our language in our country. we accessorize our lives with goods made by people in 3rd world countries, exploiting and taking advantage of their standard of life without thinking twice. how can we expect those that we voted into office to be any different from us? to think that our government is pure evil, simply because it’s not just, righteous, humble and true seems a bit misguided and hypocritical to me.

  • My creepy ex boyfriend who is trying to get in touch with me now, after a year and a half of blessed absence.

    My sister never called to thank me for the gifts I sent her.

    And, no snow here in DC, but too much of this damn winter thing. Is it June yet?

  • zchamu

    Bannings.

  • Some Guy

    Our downstairs neighbors who crank their music at midnight and LEAVE THE APARTMENT so no amount of furious pounding on the door does any good (to give you the other side).

  • Morons who don’t understand what turning lanes are for and come to a dead stop in the middle of the damn highway before they make their stupid left turn.

  • I hated flossing. Until a friend pointed out that food was DECAYING between my teeth. I now try to floss regularly.

  • PJ

    People who use their pinky to point things out. That’s what the index finger is for.

  • All-Star Weekend here in Atlanta. For God’s sake, people, it’s getting out of control. (That said, I’m totally on Britney-watch.)

  • Is this how celebs “keep it real?

  • I guess the html didn’t work on my past post — here’s the link:

    http://www.cool-2b-real.com/keep/keepinitreal.html

  • you give your dog whiskey and fudgecicles? that dogs got a good thing going, and don’t he know it. 🙂

  • MelisAGoGo

    being told at noon on Tuesday that the doctor will call in two hours and then 24 pass and the doctor STILL hasn’t called.

    the upstairs neighbors who think having bass so heavy that stuff falls off MY walls is cool.

    the bastards who park in front of our building and don’t leave space for the people who actually live here.

  • Whenever I think of the “brothers” in the mormon church, I just think of the movie Orgazmo and that puts a smile on my face. For the uninformed, it is a movie about a Mormon who enters the porn industry as an actor, while on his mission in Los Angeles. Ron Jeremy is in it as well as the two guys from South Park.

  • UnderwearNinja

    You need to kick Earthlink to the curb.

  • Salvation, as the Mormons present it, is impossible since sin removes one’s salvation until one repents, etc., the person who curses in the midst of a traffic accident that kills her goes to hell, regardless of how pristine a life she’s lived. That is the textbook definition of futility. For Christians, salvation is only in jeopardy if one actively rejects it. Just thot I would point that out.

    (I was a Mormon for dating purposes once. Trying to get away from them once they’ve plunged you into the font is much like trying to flick a booger off your finger. It’s a lot of work and you’re never quite sure it’s not just sticking to you somewhere else.)

  • Toad

    Dude, if you think Kountry Kitchen is bad, try living in a town called “Pflugerville” where we have an annual “Pfilm Pfestival” a “Pfix N Paint” and a “Pflamingos Creamery” (don’t ask).

  • “jesus and i love you”

  • pbert

    God WOULD haul ass. No doubt about it. And, Wendy, they do it on your floor to maintain their personal space. Dogs don’t poop in their living space do they? Gawsh no, it’d stink.

  • whu?

    Yahmdallah, do your homework, you have it all wrong hon… we “mormons” don’t need to be PERFECT, just try as best we can.

  • Most humble apologies. (I didn’t want to take up more space making a heavier, if more accurate, point.)

  • To be a lethal dose, dogs have to consume something like 40 kg of cocoa, or an ounce of chocolate, per every pound they weigh. My last dog, a black lab, ate two packages and tastykakes and was fine. A little gassy, but fine. Whiskey and fudgecicles are probably good for dogs; puts hair on their chest.

    We’ve had a beautiful, warm January. This snow is the punishment.

    So many people I talk to have that helpless, hopeless feeling. What can one do but protest even though our leaders won’t listen? It’s so frustrating.

  • Lex

    If I could get more whiskey and fudgesicles, I’d cower behind furniture, too.

  • Irritating?

    Two Mormon missionaries at the front door.

    Priceless?

    Telling them my husband was excommunicated years ago.

  • ok, dj blurb’s post is a) really good, and b) really depressing. feeling helpless indeed.

    anyone else up for renting a green tortise bus (or whatever those are) and heading for northern canada?

  • Speedo

    Be careful with the chocolate. My little pooch had major system shut down after eating some chocolate. Luckily, still alive and pooping.

  • oh wait!? i get to pick a thing that’s bugging me? every fuckin person i’ve ever known but haven’t talked to in 15 years is sending me email this week.

    the best: the “good friend” who, many years ago said “i’m sorry, the reason why we don’t call is that you never have money to do stuff”, she writes to ask if i want to have dinner with her and her husband (thought they split) and my semi-stalker ex-boyfriend from 18 years ago.

    oh yes please right away.

  • brunette_with_class

    love your site! keep it up! I do collections all day…this is my only form of laughter until 5.

  • how about a list of what you DO like about UT?
    and more pictures!

  • how about a list of stuff you DO like about UT?
    and more pictures!

  • Is there an echo in here?

  • Is there an echo in here?

    ha!

  • I like to floss, but not when a big piece of something comes flying out of my mouth. That totally robs me of my dignity.

  • something that is totally bothering me is that my intestinal tract is so screwed up that i can count the
    number of decent poops i’ve taken this month on one hand.

    yippee!

    poop!

  • LK

    re: your rep who went AWOL – i have a friend who works in the earthlink customer svc dept (dial-up). last week they found out that all 400 people in their dept will be laid off. no joke. i would move elsewhere asap.

  • God totally has Zeus bolt shooters on the front of his car.

    Totally random note — I’m listening to music that’s sampling 7th Heaven. Talk about keeping it real!

  • Desiree

    I hate that, despite the fact that bossman was at an out-of-town meeting all day, the workday was so fucking busy that I did not get to Dooce until 4:45p; I also hate being teased by warm and sunny weather just outside my window which magnifies the fact that it feels like a fucking glacier has melted in my office.

  • Desiree

    …and I hate the number 49, so I just had to post to be 50.
    (there… now I am feeling a wee bit better)