An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Sometimes If I Think Real Hard I Can Remember Pickle Juice

So last night during a family dinner of meaty spaghetti and non-alcoholic fizzy beverages I found out that when I was five years old my parents had to burn a tick out of my right ear. First of all, these are the types of things we talk about around the Hamilton Family dinner table, things like ticks and the nesting rituals of flying cockroaches and how much Granny misses her once outrageous sex life. A meal that goes by without discussion of Aunt Lola’s most recent bowel movement is sadly incomplete. Secondly, I don’t ever remember having a tick lodged in my right ear, and you’d think that I would remember something as involved as my mother shoving a burning match into a delicate orifice mere centimeters from my brain.

Why can’t I remember this traumatic blip in my personal history? There are plenty of totally inane details about the house I lived in at the age of five that I can remember with eerie clarity, like the leopard-print round bed I shared with my sister or where I used to bury Cheetos in the backyard, but I can’t for the life of me conjure up that motherfucking tick.

And so I’m wondering what else I’ve selectively blocked out of my memory, how many years of things that have happened to me that I just can’t remember. And I wonder if these selectively blocked memories are responsible for my irrational fear of ticks and other bugs with no measurable conscience. If I could tap into this stash of discarded memories maybe I could overcome the hysteria I experience at the mere mention of things like tornados and opossums and brocade tapestries. God how I hate brocade.

Sometimes I can visualize shadows from my past, shadows of people and shadows of fingers headed toward my ear, shadows of Donny Osmond Barbie naked in my sister’s Barbie Corvette. There’s this one distinct memory I have of shadows wherein my brother is lip-syncing “Sweet Child of Mine” into a baseball bat while I daydream about having Axl Rose’s heavy metal babies, and don’t I wish I could selectively forget that little lapse in my forward trajectory.

Wouldn’t it be great if history as a whole could selectively forget its blemishes? Like what if we could all just forget that Matthew McConaughey even existed, or that George W. Bush ever once opened his mouth? That would be great.

  • Finally, someone who understands about Matthew McConnaughey. I thought I was the only one…

  • MÂns

    My childhood is just one unlogical blurr. I got raised by parents who on the question “why are some peaches red in the middle?”, answered: because it’s their birthday, dear. Add to that the fact that I believed them, and no wonder I left the country in a hurry when those “sweet” childhood days were over…

  • My dad once told me a story of how when I was a wee little one (maybe 4) I had gone running about his farm with one of the farm hands kids. When I got back I was full of baby ticks, which is even worse than big ticks because you can hardly seen them because they are so small. Anyway, my mom was utterly horrified, freaked out and mad at my dad. My father thought it was pretty funny. I cannot for the life of me remember that ever happening. Maybe I blocked it out, who knows.

  • JSN

    What I need to block out is that time when I discovered that Matthew McConaughey is actually YOUNGER than me.

    I had a tick in my neck when I was about 10. My mother completely freaked out, and in a blur of panicked activity, punctuated by the urgings and suggestions of my step-father and two younger siblings, tried the following methods of removal:

    1. tearing my nightgown.
    2. Slathering my neck with butter.
    3. Pour Olive Oil over me.
    4. Pouring bleach over me.

    and finally

    5. burning.

    I remember thinking my mother was insane.

  • Kate

    I didn’t remember this story until my mother brought it up last year…but now I remember it vividly.

    When I was around 4 years old, my younger sister was a toddler. She was pigeon-toed (her feet pointed in toward each other) so to correct it, she had massive casts on her feet.

    I can remember being afraid of the high chair when I was younger…mostly because my sister would sit in it and swing her feet at my head when I walked by.

    My mom says she managed to knock me out cold at least three times with her casts.

    Which explains a lot about our current relationship.

  • I just saw the Levis buffalo commercial and laughed out loud. thanks.

  • {begin rant}

    so are you trying to be comical by suggesting that george bush is a blemish, to history, as a whole? or do you really feel that way?

    talk all the smack you want about some pinhead actor, but why attack the president of our country?

    tell your audience, d00ce… how do you *really* feel about bush, the impending war in iraq, and the continuing destabilization in the korean peninsula. do you have a solid take, politically-speaking? if not, i suppose it’s safer for you to stick to things like trite dinner table conversation at the hamilton family home.

    {end rant}

    how can you be sure it was a “tick” that your mother was trying to remove from your ear? here’s a few steps you can take:

    1) undergo regression hypnosis, from a licensed professional,

    2) have the alien implants removed from your various orifices, and
    3) join the salt lake chapter of MUFON

    go into the light, d00ce. there is peace and serenity in the Light. -jp

  • jimmy,
    dooce will talk about whatever she wants to on this site, because its hers. and shes funny. if you dont have something cool to say, then you should maybe think about sticking to playing guitar and going on another tour with the black crowes. that was cool…your rant, however, was not.

  • I know there’s one in every crowd… but WHY?

  • dayna

    ….something tells me that jimmypage, should he decide to open his closed mind a tad, might have a few surpressed memories himself….
    betcha more than a few.
    sprinkled with the odd delusion, even….

  • not that my opinion matters even a little considering this isn’t even my site, but jimmy i thought that was a well presented criticism.

    even if you are wrong.

  • I agree with you, Jimbo.

    Oh, and Dooce, sorry if I started something.

  • PJ

    Who was it who said ”Those who forget the past are doomed (destined?) to repeat it?'” Or something like that. (Churchill? Aristotle? FDR?) HIstorically speaking, I more often than not find this to be true. My reading material of choice is usually a big, fatass, fact-laden tome, and there are parallels aplenty from one century, even one millenia, to another. I personally think it’s a crying shame that more of our world leaders are not students of history, they might actually, sometimes, be able to make these correlations.

    Now I’m going to go have a cold beer.

  • jenlovesjezebill

    When I was a child of 27 or so I got a tick on my left buttock. I couldn’t reach it myself, so I got tweezers from my tiny swiss army knife and some matches and asked my then boyfriend to help me remove it. He said he would and I laid down to bite my pillow while he set to work. Can you believe that dumb fucker just took the tweezers and yanked leaving the head in there? Having no money and no health insurance, I had to provide him with a dull x-acto blade and some nail polish remover (all the surgical tools I had) to cut the head out. The only two things that got me through that was the promise of a vodka chaser and the realization that this guy was definitely not someone with all his lights turned on, if you know what I mean. We broke up not long after that.

  • XWG

    I donít believe Jimmy said shut up I believe he said if there was something substantive to say just say it, otherwise why say anything? The fact that
    people have different political views should be something that we all
    understand and actually encourage. I donít believe that Jimmy attacked anyone
    personally, on the contrary, he encouraged dooce to expand upon her opinions – not hide behind schoolyard like remarks.

    But of course HE canít say what he feels because his opinion is different than yours.

  • XWG

    BTW Joker Dooce is married.

  • I agree with Joker ñ this is Dooceís site, and sheís entitled to have her opinions and express them in any way she sees fit. Itís up to her whether she wants to cover George W. Bushís politics, make ìschoolyard like remarksî or just talk about poop. IMHO, no one gets to tell her what to talk about and how to talk about it.

    By the way, I voted for and support George W. Bush. I may not agree with Dooceís opinions, but I donít feel the need to become antagonistic as a result.

    Dooce, your site is incredibly entertaining. Keep it up.

  • yes, wendy, this is d00ce’s site and she’s entitled to have and express her opinions, however she likes. but, as long as d00ce keeps the format as an open-discussion, i’m entitled to express my thoughts, just as you have done.

    let’s not forget that it’s healthy to discuss important current events, especially those that are critical to the security of our homeland.

    it’s good to see people who aren’t afraid to express their opinion on what has become an inflammatory issue – bush and his plan for liberating iraq.

    “joker” seems to think that if i don’t have something complimentary to say about d00ce’s remarks, i should shut-the-fuck up… well, sorry joker – i’m not part of your flock. i don’t come here to lick heather’s asshole like you do. i give her props when *i* think she’s funny or entertaining. but, i will also post my observations, when she writes a piece that i find perplexing.

    the bottom line is that everyone’s opinion counts… even when they’re wrong [like the anti-war folks;-].

    the rub is that we wont know who’s wrong until the war is over.

    whatever happens….support our troops.

    no more sheep! -jp

  • JSN

    I think George Bush is a menace and everything he says makes me feel angry, horrified and desparate. There’s a place for detailed, well-argued political dissent.

    Dooce is so relaxing, entertaining and charming on topics like poop and ticks… I like the schoolyard comment thrown in as a reminder of what I’m NOT reading when I read Dooce, and as an acknowledgement that there are other forces at work.

    Untwist thy panties, JimmyPage.

  • XWG


    Your Thoughts? That is the name of this section. Most of US love dooce as well as have a sense of humor. Some of us may not write all the time but we do read her blog and laugh as well as give serious thought to some of the things she has written.

  • jsn:

    it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

  • XWG

    Everything JSN says make me glad Im sane. Have a drink.

  • Holy shit. I didn’t think it was possible to get bored reading comments on d00ce. Thanks to those of you in dire need of sex with someone other than yourselves and a bottle of Jergens, I guess I was wrong. Back to CNN for something reeeaally captivating.

    Oh, but wait! Isn’t THIS the place I go for entertainment?

    Shit, I keep getting the two mixed up.

  • Agree with everything, ‘cept the Matthew McConaughey thing. I’ve been known to call 411 when inebriated to get his number…
    And yes, despite all the forwards you’ve all gotten of this, I really DID write it. On my dog’s life and all that jazz.

  • Shhhhh. It will be our little secret. Don’t tell anyone….

    I blocked the above out.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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