the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume III

Sometimes when Jon opens a Snickers Bar and passes it to me I feel as naughty as if he were passing me a joint. There’s just no difference, except one makes me high, and the other one makes me paranoid.

I used to like Led Zeppelin.

Blondes have it better than septic tank poopy reds.

Styrofoam cups change the taste of gin martinis.

If I had enough money to be on MTV’s Cribs, I’d have an entire room covered in blubble-wrap, with bubble-wrap area rugs and a bubble-wrap recliner, and I’d walk around stylin in my bubble-wrap bling.

I’d totally believe in a Heavenly Father if Missy Elliot could be the Heavenly Mother.

Citrucel tastes better than Metamucil.

How many times do I have to go over this? When I ask if you would please get me a Coke, you’re supposed to ask me what kind of Coke, because I could mean a Sprite or a Dr. Pepper, you Yankee.

Pride is what you had, baby girl, I am what you have.

  • Heather #2

    2003/02/20 at 1:35 pm

    Who the hell served you a martini in styrofoam???

    I love Miss Mea-Mea ’cause she’s from Portland.

  • pixelkitty

    2003/02/20 at 1:42 pm

    eating a snickers is like smuggling dope in Thailand. The adrenalin rush of breaking my diet does it for me every (3) time.

  • Amanda Lew

    2003/02/20 at 1:45 pm

    Totally with you on the Elliot tip. The idea of witnessing a choir of old church ladies rap their rendition of “Work It” during a Sunday mass would, miraculously, actually make me go on purpose.

  • rosebaby

    2003/02/20 at 1:48 pm


    coke generically is just…. odd.

    and i’m having great fun thinking of a bubble wrap universe.

    what about a bubble wrap toilet? that could be problematic.

  • windowsill wendy

    2003/02/20 at 1:49 pm

    i’m with you on the ‘coke’ thing, dooce. i just can’t make myself call it ‘pop’ or ‘soda.’

  • Naaman

    2003/02/20 at 1:50 pm

    FedEx has to have a room like that. I have to believe they do.

  • Anonymous

    2003/02/20 at 1:51 pm
  • Shane

    2003/02/20 at 1:53 pm

    You haven’t lived until you’ve had a deep-fried Mars bar…

  • shy

    2003/02/20 at 1:54 pm

    i prefer diet-pepsi. not for the low cals but for the great taste. i’m a brunette. as are all asians that i know. not sure what that ranks me on the poop-i-meter. heh.

  • antisocial diva

    2003/02/20 at 1:55 pm

    snickers? oh yum. i wistfully look back on the days when i could eat two in a sitting and not have my thighs pay the price.

  • jess

    2003/02/20 at 1:58 pm

    i’m with you on the deep fried mars bars, shane. they are so good.

  • windowsill wendy

    2003/02/20 at 2:01 pm

    what about deep-fried twinkies? i’ve seen them, but i’ve never eaten one. have any of you tried them?

  • Benjy

    2003/02/20 at 2:02 pm

    And you’d need a bubblewrap butler to replace all the used up bubblewrap after it’s been popped!

    and here’s a link to a bubble wrap room done up an HGTV show:

  • The Inmate

    2003/02/20 at 2:02 pm

    So “coke” is a generic term with you people?

    Well….at least you’re not calling it “pop”.

    That would be too much.

  • Funtime Ben

    2003/02/20 at 2:07 pm

    But Zeppelin’s Tangerine still rocks.

  • Dawn

    2003/02/20 at 2:08 pm

    Silly girl, don’t you know the generic for carbonated beverages is “soda”? Although out here in Seattle, they tend to say “pop”.

  • Autobiographical Dictionary

    2003/02/20 at 2:10 pm

    My Top Five Favorite Rock Bands of All Time:

    1. Led Zeppelin
    2. Led Zeppelin
    3. Led Zeppelin
    4. Led Zeppelin
    5. Led Zeppelin

  • Heather #2

    2003/02/20 at 2:17 pm

    pop, puh-pop, pop
    pop pop pop
    puh-pop, pop, pop
    P-O-P! P-O-P! P-O-P!

  • se

    2003/02/20 at 2:19 pm

    I had a dream once that prominently featured an inflatable chair covered in Cookie Monster blue fur. I think it’d look lurvley in your bubble-wrap room.

  • vibegrrl

    2003/02/20 at 2:24 pm

    When you ask for a coke, that’s what you get. a COKE (PEPSI or generic COLA may be substituted) Dr. Pepper is an ENTIRELY different thing.

  • Summer

    2003/02/20 at 2:44 pm

    A bubble-wrap coated tub full of jello!

  • jimmypage

    2003/02/20 at 2:57 pm

    smoking dope and eating snickers bars is not good for your lungs & colon, respectively.

    but who am i to talk?


    at least you don’t like led zeppelin, anymore.

    because if you did, you’d be high too often and buying snickers at costco. also, jon would be the size of an nfl offensive lineman and you, d00ce, would be a stoned, white oprah-lookin-type.

    dr pepper rules! red fusion is decent. but the sobe mr green, is the key to root canals and teeth implants. truly the shit (poo – for you giggly-types)! -jp

  • Sydney

    2003/02/20 at 2:58 pm

    I love you just for the coke comment alone. Everyone should know that a coke means a sprite or a diet coke or any ole soft drink. and it aint soda or pop. and what’s with these yankee cities not having good fountain drinks with proper shaved or pellety ice?? where have fountain drinks gone?

  • slackjaw

    2003/02/20 at 3:18 pm

    Soda for the East coast.
    Pop for the West coast.
    Coke can be diet or classic but not vanilla or any other kind.
    Soft Drink is totally euro-gay and should be avoided at all costs. (or so’s I’m thinkin)

  • Irk

    2003/02/20 at 3:25 pm

    I live in the middle, up top, and we call it pop.

    And if you are waiting on me at a restaurant, and I ask you for a Coke, and you ask me if Pepsi is okay and I say no, don’t give me a dirty look.

    The Pop vs. Soda page has a really nifty map:

  • Kayjay

    2003/02/20 at 3:33 pm

    Never had a deep-fried MArs bar, but I have had a Snickers Chimichanga. Oooo baby.

    Soda! It’s soda people.

  • chunderchud

    2003/02/20 at 4:09 pm

    I prefer, sodi-pop. That way all my bases are covered. And while snickers certainly are delectable, I’m a peanut butter cup man myself. I mean, peanut butter + chocolate…mmmm… get me to the balcony at the movies!

  • Dave Thomas

    2003/02/20 at 4:11 pm

    Language After the South Rises Again

    – What kind of ford do you drive?
    – A Honda.
    – Mine ford is a Dodge.

    – Want to pet my dog?
    – Sure. Wait, why is he eating me?
    – Because he is a bear.

    – Is this gun loaded?
    – No.
    – BANG! (dies)
    – “No” as in “yes,” dumbass.

  • cicada

    2003/02/20 at 4:17 pm

    JP, that’s twice in as many days that you’ve mentioned Oprah here. If we were on, that would be one thing, but this is Dooce, for God’s sake. We talk about poop here. Unless you have some kind of poop fetish that you’d like to engage in *with* Oprah. Then it’d be totally OK.

  • blamb

    2003/02/20 at 6:45 pm

    Carbonated beverage.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/02/20 at 6:47 pm

    a bubble wrap room would be my both my heaven and my torture. I am genetically incapable of putting a sheet of bubble wrap down until i have popped every last one of those little fuckers.

  • KT

    2003/02/20 at 7:09 pm

    on the coke subject:
    dooce, you are completely right. it’s a southern thing to ask for a coke and expect to get a variety of choices, everything from classic coke to dr. pepper to that weird blue mountain dew drink that is kinda gross. you ‘sodi-pop’ people perplex me. what kind of word is ‘sodi’?

  • Red

    2003/02/20 at 7:41 pm

    Choose an apple over the Snickers and you might not need the Citrucel.

  • Certified

    2003/02/20 at 7:45 pm

    Somebody must have gotten their nails did today.

  • Cory

    2003/02/20 at 7:53 pm

    Coke my ass. I suppose you are going to get on your high horse and say it is not duck duck freaking pheasant either. Pshaw!

  • Bruce

    2003/02/20 at 8:00 pm

    Just a layin’ here on the couch( or sofa ) with a righteous buzz, feeding the munchies with a Snickers, sipping on a gin and Coca Cola from a styrofoam cup, poppin’ my bubblewrap in time to Missy Elliot’s cover of Stairway to Heaven, proudly waiting for the Metamucil to kick in.

  • Chad's Favorite Bridesmaid

    2003/02/20 at 8:26 pm

    Rarely do I disagree with you, but Coke is always Coca-Cola–never a generic term for a selection of sodas.

    And under no circumstances should someone bring me a Pepsi if I order a Coke. There IS a difference.

    And if I say Coke, I don’t mean Diet Coke. Did I say diet before I said Coke? Regardless of the fact that, if I insist on drinking a Coca-Cola product I should be choosing Diet Coke, there is no substitute.

  • Devon

    2003/02/20 at 8:44 pm

    Having been a waiter, I shall present my professional opinion that a Coke is indeed anything from a Cola-Cola classic to a A&W Cream Soda to that nasty Sunkist orange stuff. Stupid northerners. G’won, go’n git me a Coke, double-quick!

  • nora

    2003/02/20 at 10:06 pm

    Having grown up near Bawlmer (that’s Baltimore for you above the Mason-Dixon line folks,) you simply haven’t experienced a diner if the beehived and blue eye-shadowed middle-aged waitress hasn’t asked you if you’d like “a Coke-Coke, a Diet-Coke, a Pepsi-Coke or a Sprite-Coke, darlin’.” (And remember, “Coke” is pronounced “k’oh-wke.”

  • Cyberangel

    2003/02/20 at 10:11 pm

    pop? not on this west coast. it’s soda in so cal. but i grew up in the midwest w/”pop”. got to cali & no one knew what i was talkin’ ’bout. Harumph!

  • JoeBillionaire

    2003/02/20 at 10:12 pm

    Isn’t it interesting that people from European countries refer to things by their brand names.

    Any type of camera = Kodak
    All vacuum cleaners = Hoover
    Any type of dark soda = Pepsi/Coke
    Any type of rice dish = pilaf
    Food processor = Moulinex
    Watches = Timex


  • dvl

    2003/02/21 at 12:21 am

    and the Canadian “Kraft Dinner” in lieu of Mac-N-Cheese….

  • Jeanette

    2003/02/21 at 4:58 am

    Deep fried twinkies are pretty dang good. I’ve never had a deep fried mars bar (but they have always been my fave candy bar) but if you like ’em you’d better go out now and buy every mars bar you can find because the company isn’t going to make them anymore–they are replacing them with Snickers with Almonds.

  • aubs

    2003/02/21 at 5:24 am

    My mother would be standing up and cheering re: your Citrucel comment, being that she is a drug rep and that’s her product, and also believes that Citrucel could save the world? Cancer? Hangnail? Have a cup of Citrucel, Aubrey. It’s the Windex of Big Fat Methodist Weddings…
    Speaking of, I can seriously hook you up with a lifetime supply of it — just let me know and the goods will be at your doorstep shortly…

  • jess

    2003/02/21 at 5:35 am

    kraft dinner comes from a box with a bag of fake cheese. totally fucking disgusting.

    mac-n-cheese is home made, baked in the oven, and so fucking good.

  • austin

    2003/02/21 at 5:44 am

    while “coke” can technically be used for any variety of carbonated drink in the south, “cold drink” is really the old school way to say it down here. i mean, you never, ever ask for sweet tea down here. it’s redundant. if you ask for iced tea, just assume it’s already sweetened.

  • k8lin

    2003/02/21 at 6:01 am

    in our house this summer, we somehow got hold of a very long (almost never-ending) supply of bubble wrap. Living with me and two 20-year-old boys is a lot like living in a garbage dump, but we did manage to beautify the place with bubble-wrapped walls, a bubble-wrap rug, and bubble-wrap curtains.

  • Alex

    2003/02/21 at 6:29 am

    Just like “corn flakes” can be Coco Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispies any and all of it!

    And going back to the Missy, this borders between madness and pure genius:

    “Love Will Freak Us”
    featuring Missy E’s “Get ur Freak On” vs. Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart” only at Dsico, that no-talent hack’s site:

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/02/21 at 6:41 am

    That’s funny Snickers bars make me paranoid, too, though they are not as intense as Milky Way bars.

    That’s why I stick to weed.

  • MÂns

    2003/02/21 at 6:54 am

    JoeBillionaire is so wrong!! We don’t call things by their brand name. The English may say Hoover, but that’s it! Have you ever been to Europe (there’s a lot of different countries here). We’re really awfully sophisticated…

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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