Heater, Mother of Lance

A Necessary List of Things That Scare Me Shitless

opossums
flying cockroaches
denim couches
acrylic nails
gold lam�
tornadoes
Andy Rooney
tabasco
Arkansas
black ice
anything under the hood of a car
exercise balls
swamps
TRL
Ross Dress For Less
short, stubby toes
gigantic panties
Code Red Mountain Dew
eels
wicker
treadmills
club soda
prunes
penciled eyebrows
berets
lizards
glass elevators
mushy peas
baloons
Pamela Anderson’s breasts
cats in heat
swollen ankles
dentures
plaid
Willy Wonka
The Day After

69 Comments
  • Pinkie

    2003/03/19 at 9:15 am

    The pencilled in eyebrows look scares me too. Specifically because it makes them look like clowns and clowns scare me.

    Wow, am I the first post?

  • Tim

    2003/03/19 at 9:19 am

    But… but… the martini glasses were so sexy.

  • imjeffp

    2003/03/19 at 9:23 am

    >balloons
    >Pamela Anderson’s breasts

    Isn’t this redundant?

  • lordgoon

    2003/03/19 at 9:27 am

    My ancestors in England used to eat mushy peas at least once a day, and they all seem to have turned out all right. Er…wait, though…they also used to eat ‘trotters’ (picked pigs’ feet wrapped in terrycloth) whenever they went to the movies. Okay, so…never mind.

    I’m with you about Andy Rooney. Even just watching him on TV, you can smell the formaldyhyde.

  • julia

    2003/03/19 at 9:28 am

    my list is strikingly similar. although a couple of my items are like clusters of your items. for example: andy rooney wearing gold lame and a beret while lounging on a plaid denim couch, drinking a code red mountain dew while watching the day after while petting a cat in heat.

    see? scary stuff right there.

  • ericalynn

    2003/03/19 at 9:30 am

    I’m totally there with you regarding Willy Wonka.

  • Croz

    2003/03/19 at 9:41 am

    How about an opossum with acrylic nails, wearing denim and lame, that had eyebrows like Andy Rooney and a hat like Willy Wonka?
    Okay, that would be scary too.

  • Micheal Jackson

    2003/03/19 at 9:44 am

    all that, and i didn’t even make the list…

  • Michael Jackson

    2003/03/19 at 9:45 am

    and i didn’t spell my name right.

  • Keri

    2003/03/19 at 9:46 am

    Do you mean Willy Wonka the character or Willy Wonka the movie? Because, you know, when they take the boat through that tunnel, that was some pretty scary stuff. But Willy Wonka himself wasn’t that scary…

  • Broch

    2003/03/19 at 9:46 am

    Ironically, most things on the list are things that one would encounter on a weekend trip to Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas, well hell, any place south of the Mason Dixon line…

  • Danika

    2003/03/19 at 9:49 am

    Snakes
    Carrot Top

  • christa

    2003/03/19 at 9:50 am

    I’m afraid of Willy Wonka (the character) too.

  • Alex

    2003/03/19 at 9:59 am

    – My mother’s tattooed eyebrows (which are done way to high so she looks constantly surprised)

    – My mother’s tattooed lipliner

    – My mother’s constant bad perms

    – Eh, what the hell, my mother!

  • April

    2003/03/19 at 10:01 am

    Um. Okay. Stupid question. What’s TRL?

  • Heather #2

    2003/03/19 at 10:05 am

    I make a solemn vow in front of God and all dooce.com readers never wear sandals in your presence, lest you become shitless.

  • Carrie

    2003/03/19 at 10:05 am

    What about those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz? (shudder) Personally, I found them much more creepy than Willy Wonka, but to each her own, right?

  • The Inmate

    2003/03/19 at 10:05 am

    1. I think it’s spelled “Yuppie”. As in, not like “Puppy”.

    2. What’s up with asking for my e-mail address? I don’t want to give my e-mail address to anyone. Particularly not to some of the nutcases that show up in here!

  • Bruce

    2003/03/19 at 10:08 am

    Bushes

  • dooce

    2003/03/19 at 10:13 am

    April: TRL is Total Request Live
    Inmate: Thanks for the spellcheck.
    Heather #2: I bet I would adore your fucking toes!

  • The Inmate

    2003/03/19 at 10:20 am

    Wow that was quick. I don’t expect anyone to redo graphics that fast. Hats off, Dooce. I just couldn’t leave it well enough alone….glass-half-empty, overcritical bastard that I am.

  • windowsill wendy

    2003/03/19 at 10:22 am

    anna nicole smith
    spiders
    ‘trotters’

    in that order. yikes.

  • jenB

    2003/03/19 at 10:24 am

    – tiny panties
    – acid wash demin making a comeback
    – any sitcom on ABC

  • Stephanie

    2003/03/19 at 10:40 am

    Yes, yes, yes – That goddamn The Day After! If I had never seen that, I truly believe I’d be a much more carefree girl right now. I’d like to give the producers a good cockpunching random panic scenes from that movie that flash in my head every time someone tells me to “go about my daily routine”.

  • rickster

    2003/03/19 at 10:56 am

    Isn’t it interestng that “balloons”, “Pamela Anderson’s Breasts”, and “Cats in Heat” are all in a row??

  • nick

    2003/03/19 at 10:57 am

    oh – no, don’t knock the dew. code red is sweet, sweet nectar.

  • anna jr.

    2003/03/19 at 11:05 am

    dude, i just moved to arkansas.

    and it’s really not so bad at all.

    kind of like utah, i’m guessing.

    as far as things that scare me go, the number one thing on my list is vomit.

  • Funtime Ben

    2003/03/19 at 11:07 am

    I’m scared by the little granules on the bottom of English Muffins.

  • ms lauren

    2003/03/19 at 11:17 am

    i’m deathly afraid of fish, eating fish, fish in fishtanks where i eat, fish touching me in the water, fish in lakes, fish gills, and fish bric-a-brac.

    i can’t believe someone asked what TRL is! (*flips hair*)

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/03/19 at 11:19 am

    People who use the word “utilize” or “plethora”

  • ms lauren

    2003/03/19 at 11:19 am

    by the way, i can spread my short stubby toes like a fan.

    it’s pretty fucking weird.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/03/19 at 11:24 am

    Oh, yeah. Richard Simmons.

  • black b

    2003/03/19 at 11:36 am

    dooce, you left off those creepy bugs that your dashing husband almost ate.

    bugs. all bugs. flip me the freak out.

    also clowns.

  • Jon

    2003/03/19 at 11:36 am

    On Pam’s noticeable features – is that before or after the implants were taken out?
    They hypnotize me, they do.

  • dayna

    2003/03/19 at 11:36 am

    raisins.
    raisins are terrifying little grape gremlins.
    *eeeeek*

  • Tiff

    2003/03/19 at 11:36 am

    That isn’t really a post by Michael Jackson is it??? Holy Shit if it is…I knew you were great and popular, but the King of Pop…you the WOMAN!

  • Cyberangel

    2003/03/19 at 11:38 am

    Leona Helmsley

  • Anne

    2003/03/19 at 11:39 am

    I whole-heartedly agree with the acrylic nails… and I’ll bet there’s a host of Doocers (readers of Dooce, that is) that are shamefully off to dispose of their fake freaky nails where the evidence can’t be found.

  • sourbob

    2003/03/19 at 11:51 am

    Dooce, don’t forget:
    Your AP English teacher.

  • andrew

    2003/03/19 at 11:54 am

    I saw my first opossum a year or so ago here in Chicago. Holy crap! I almost called the cops cause it was so scary ugly. Nobody warned me. And you know what’s scary about wicker? Flying cockroaches can hide in them! I grew up in Hawaii and so I know…Wow I just creeped myself out remembering.

  • mervis

    2003/03/19 at 12:06 pm

    Sinking ships. Anchors.

  • jacqui

    2003/03/19 at 12:10 pm

    *shudder* gold lamé. oh my god freak flashback to tasteless 80s fashion. you are sooo right with that. and what about people who speak in “quotes”? they really need a slapping…

  • annie j.

    2003/03/19 at 12:22 pm

    The Day After should be required watching material in school.

  • Agatha

    2003/03/19 at 12:27 pm

    What about JAP-ee girls? They scare the bejeezus out of me.

  • Toby

    2003/03/19 at 12:28 pm

    My God. I’m high and totally digging your new layout. Oh man. It’s like grandma’s house!

  • ~Britt~

    2003/03/19 at 1:07 pm

    Did you ever see Sixteen Candles w. Molly Ringwald?
    The above artwork, I keep thinking of that line when the older sister is whacked out on valium b/c she got her period on her wedding day, and she’s walking down the aisle and almost collapses on this old lady and she says “love the tea pot”

  • Naaman

    2003/03/19 at 1:10 pm

    I swear, each time my wife drags me into Ross, I want to put a paper bag over my head and grab my wooby.

  • allisonic

    2003/03/19 at 2:00 pm

    What about chenille?

  • Heather #2

    2003/03/19 at 2:07 pm

    Dude. Britney is totally going to crawl out of the computer and lick my face.

    Dooce, were you coming onto me with the whole adorable toes thing? ‘Cause, like, that’d be ok.

  • Thomas

    2003/03/19 at 2:15 pm

    Hey, Broch. Here’s a big “Up yours!” from everyone in Memphis.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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