An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

A Necessary List of Things That Scare Me Shitless

flying cockroaches
denim couches
acrylic nails
gold lam�
Andy Rooney
black ice
anything under the hood of a car
exercise balls
Ross Dress For Less
short, stubby toes
gigantic panties
Code Red Mountain Dew
club soda
penciled eyebrows
glass elevators
mushy peas
Pamela Anderson’s breasts
cats in heat
swollen ankles
Willy Wonka
The Day After

  • Wow. You have a lot of issues! LOL! Good thing you have this site to work them all out in front of the world! :0)

  • Irk

    From my list:
    -walking on not-carpeted surfaces in bare feet
    -walking on carpeted surfaces in bare feet and encountering clipped nails

  • shy

    i’m terrfied of websites constructed in frontpage… and people who take ‘married by america’ seriously.

  • A grown man typing “wooby”.
    Wood spiders, which you can’t kill without smashing them because they can live underwater, but they’d prefer to live with you.
    Beer bellies not quite covered by tight buttoned shirts.
    I don’t see what could possibly be necessary about flying cockroaches– Every summer they stalk me and attack me when I least expect it. Once I was driving my dh’s old pickup with very balky transmission, so I was trying to get through a crowded street without stalling, and one of those damn things flew in the window and attacked me. I almost took out a storefront..This was totally unnecessary.
    Your graphics look just like the house where my father-in-law grew up, which he had to sell after his older brother died and left all his worldly belongings, which consisted of 4 million cassette tapes, in boxes all over the living room and dining room floor of the place.

  • Sheila

    Funtime Ben: that stuff is farina. Quite harmless.

    I get freaked, at night, looking out windows into the darkness beyond…. don’t know what’s out there….until it moves closer and it’s beady (sometimes glowing) eyes are staring right at you!!

    Similarly, the scene in Twilight Zone when William Shatner sees the gremlin outside his window. :/

  • Thomas, didn’t mean to offend. I actually love the hell out of Memphis man, and I used to live in the big “D.”

  • I think you’re more prone to being scared shitless when you’re shaken from the midst of one of life’s pet pleasures. When I was a kid, I pulled a fresh load of clothes out of the drier. Mmmm…want to rub them on my cheek. But, suddenly, a quite heated-up roach scampers from the folds of the clothes and proceeds to circumnavigate my head and neck. I’ve never been the same.

    Also, growing up in New Orleans I became accustomed to flying roaches and could cope as long as I knew they had an aversion to light. Along came an uber strain (kind of like the African Killer Bees) that were attracted to light! Monstrous…

    Sorry for the long post, but it took me ages to read through the entire archive. Now I feel like I’ve earned the right to make my first post. tip of the hat to you, Dooce.

  • aria

    aww, now i like ross. i go there to buy big ass sweaters so i can unravel them and then get pretty yarn for cheeeaaaap. and i buy high quality b-day presents there, too. cheeeaaaap.

    cockroaches. and sometimes i get scared of people for no apparent reason.

  • Michele

    Me: blimps, ants, throwing up, old men with long fingernails, denture breath, dracula hair styles and tornados. Sorry Heather,I work in a medical office so I have to apologize for my drawer of gigantic white undies!

  • burnik

    mj scares me out

  • – Butterflies
    Monkeys and geese.

  • Don

    Our government’s rhetoric.

  • Igor

    Pamela Anderson’s breasts are hardly the stuff of nightmares 🙂 I’d like to take a closer look, actually ;-).
    I don’t scare shitless easily but I definitely don’t enjoy being in a situation where I am powerless to act, either through lack of resources, strength, intelligence, by sheer physics or just because there is nothing anyone can do at all. Having said that, flying roaches seem suitably disgusting. Don’t these critters have natural enemies ? Isn’t fondling Pamela Anderson’s mammary glands an unadulterated joy by comparison ? And by the way, isn’t this page a work of art, a thing of beauty ? It’s so homely.

    Who agrees with me that Dooce ought to procreate and put a clubhouse of little Dooces on the planet ? There aren’t nearly enough of her. And she has a big, hairy, cuddly teddybear of a man to do that very thing with to boot.

  • Gin. Gin is the liquor of the devil.

  • At first I was thinking, “Opossums? Who’s scared of opossums?” And then I remembered I have an intense fear of koala bears and so should shut the hell up.

    If you didn’t like “The Day After” make sure you never see “28 Days Later.”

  • Worst torture imaginable: sit me through a National Geographic special on the Praying Mantis, a la Clockwork Orange. Shitless is not even in the same continent as how scared those things make me.

  • Igor


    If you’re about on a par sizewise for a regular member of the species I hardly think a praying mantis is going to look at you as a suitable food source.
    Humans are a far scarier bunch.

  • wild pigs
    grizzly bears
    tiny dogs with sharp teeth
    making mistakes
    throwing up
    dooce’s reserved rights
    just kidding

  • robley

    i have denim couches. i didn’t realize for over a year that they were denim, either. i thought they were just blue and perpetually cold.

    i -did-, however, sew a motorhead backpatch onto one of the cushions.

    my left ankle was also too swollen to wear a shoe for 5 months following surgery, and how i skated on it when i shouldn’t have and never went to physical therapy.


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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