An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Zombie College

While rummaging through our storage unit last night looking for some paperwork, I stumbled across this gem sitting in a box of files:

The photo was taken the first day I was on BYU campus, late August 1993. I’d always hated having my picture taken, but that day I had on my special grumpies for the overall-wearing, sickeningly precious Relief Society president behind the camera.

I had to wait in line for over 4 hours for that picture, only to get to the front of the line and have some chipper, cocksucking Ken doll tell me that, my goodness, I didn’t have all my paperwork filled out, could I please come back when I had everything ready. I informed him in no uncertain terms that unless he wanted to witness a live and graphic demonstration of someone losing their religion, he had better let me get my damn picture taken.

This ID card brings back a lot of bad memories, many of them involving roommates who felt compelled to remind me that God’s Disciples smile and that I had better hop to it. I usually hopped to stealing a pair of their panties, soaking them in water and sticking them in the freezer on top of the Otter Pops.

Don’t you think that if rogue regimes saw more pictures like this one that they’d think, God, these people have it bad enough, who needs terrorists?

  • Who’s looks cracked out?

  • HRH

    My Univeristy ID is a lovely shot right up my nose. Why they couldn’t raise the camera a little I don’t know.

    Otter pops?

  • It’s sad to say I’m jealous, but I am … have been trying to find my own horrid student ID (with similar snarling picture due to the oppressive NC August heat) and have yet to locate it. Perhaps it’s with the pile of single socks conveniently gone and my expired Driver’s License…

  • You weren’t kidding about those eyebrows. I like them, though. Very Brooke Shields.

  • I finally get the first comment and I write “Who’s looks cracked out?” All I feel right now is an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment.

    If it is any consolation in my State college ID they swiveled the camera too hight and it looks as if I’m sinking into quicksand and because it was a state college, they wouldn’t retake the photograph.

  • Tim

    Unrelated to the post (nice picture, though…), but I have to say that the 5-year-old and duct tape thing in the Guilty section is hilarious.

  • mbc

    You don’t by chance sing lead vocals for Poison, do you?

    I’m sporting a stylish bowl haircut in my college ID, and the tint is off so I look like I’ve got a hellacious sunburn.

  • r3

    I have the same expression on my face when they took my mug-shot the first day I was on the UT campus….lol…

  • In my college ID, I wore a little pink tank top since it was so hot, but the camera’s color balance was so screwy that the tank ended up the same color as my skin. It looked like I was completely naked. The bottom of the picture was right above where there’d be nippliage, and you can’t imagine how many weird looks I got from people when I handed them my ID.

    All four years, with that stupid thing.

  • I got my drivers license picture taken during my summer of lifeguarding. My lovely hair was a shade or two green. I have that picture to this day.

  • You should see my driver license. Apparently when I smile, my eyes squint too much, so they couldn’t see what color they were. After three retakes, I assure, there was _no_ squinty-eyed smiling.

  • photography, like all art, is interpretive.

    but that look on your face is esperanto for pissed off. no interpretation needed.

  • Kristin

    You had crazy, God-freak roommates too?

    I bet yours didn’t wake you up at 7 am to say you looked like you needed to go to the gym

    I must say, I wish I’d thought of that panty thing back then.

  • Kate the Great

    Dude. Mugshot city.

    Not that my IDs have been anything to crow about.

  • Angelique

    Ah yes, the infamous collegiate id pic. well, i had a similar experience when i got mine taken. i was wearing my favorite black t-shirt that simply had the word “fetish” on it and i was told that i “was certainly making a statement” by the little old blue haired biddy behind the camera whose ass was so bulbous she couldnt even stand to take photos, she clicked her little button from her little brown metal folding chair – a chair, mind you, that was silently screaming for help under the wieght of her ass.
    i hear ya sistah. she proceeded to ask me if i wanted “that word” on my id for the next for years. i advised her that if she kept up the banal and first ammendment-threatening line of questioning, i just may wear this shirt everyday for the next few years and send her a subscription to the s&m mag i get on a regular basis.
    so go you, damn the man.

  • Suzyn

    My freshman college ID was so bad that when I told people I had plastic surgery after it was taken they believed me.

  • a picture shows a thousand words… and boy, do you look angry!

  • jen

    When I went to get mine taken at Texas A&M (what the fuck was *I* thinking by going there?), there was this little old lady with a beehive that looked to be about 5-years-old. She had this very scary hand drawn bluebird taped to the front of the camera and told me “Smile at the Birdie” I remember thinking, “phuhyeah, right” as the light went off.

    My father very kindly said to me afterwards, “You always have that ‘You’ve got to be shitting me’ look on your face, don’t you?”

    I can relate to your comment about people telling you to smile–those Baptists at A&M told me that they were praying for me to get happy.


  • Irk

    Dooce, you look hella mad. I look like I’m about to rob someone in my college ID (which I still use on occasion to get the discount at the movies).

  • In my first college ID, I look like I’ve been up crying all night because my high school boyfriend just dumped me. Also, they took it on a computer before technology got really fancy, so I kind of look like a pumpkin.

  • Hey, thanks for the heads up on the Hoopla 500 (Reading:) — I loved the old site, but only had an old defunct bookmark. Yay!!

  • Lex

    I had a big goofy grin on my face in my college ID because I was so damn glad to finally be getting out of the house. If only I’d known ….

  • galt

    my school id pic turned out pretty good. but then they spelled my name wrong on the card and I had to have it retaken. in the new picture I look like someone who is described as ‘a nice young man who always kept to himself’. if you know what i mean. and i think you do.

  • You still look cute, in spite of your serial killeresque expression.

  • Dooce, do you “totally get” Julie from Real World New Orleans?

  • The Tarquin

    I commiserate completely with all of you. I think they train the college photography people to each suck in their own, unique way. Here at Gonzaga in lovely, dry, windy, Spokane, Washington, they don’t warn you, or at least me, when they are going to take the picture. They then mutter “oops” and grab the next person in line. I wound up looking like a 14 year old with an attention problem. I wasn’t even looking at the camera, so you get a real nice shot of the side of my head.

  • mbc

    rebecca (no.17) suggested that a picture says a thousand words. i agree. in this case, 500 of them are “fuck” and the other 500 are “you.”

  • allisonic

    In 20 years, you are so Judy Woodruff’s twin.

  • Matt

    What’s the deal with folks not being able (willing?) to take another photo, especially when the darn cameras are almost all digital now? What’s wrong with giving people the “best of 3” option… I mean, c’mon.

    Police officers might actually be able to confirm someone matches their photo. Oh wait, not police officers… I mean, they’ve never tried to see if… aw, heck. Maybe it makes more sense to have bad photos on the license or ID card. When most people are asked to show them, it’s how they look anyway.

    I’m just glad the DMV person let me fix my hair before taking my license photo… a motorcycle helmet-hair photo would be almost as, um, memorable as Dooce’s photo above.

  • Dooce, you never mentioned you were a goth in college!
    Your angst is too palpable.

  • What?! Duct tape is not a perfectly acceptable parenting tool? I just may be in a lot of trouble…

  • shy

    i must say that you do look royally pissed in that photo… *gulp!*

  • A friend’s small-statured son had his junior high ID pic taken recently. They cut him off at the neck. No shoulders.

    Lucky he’s got a good sense of humor.

  • I thought most girls at BYU already had frigid panties…

  • just have to say i love this teapot thing you have going. i’ve missed the design themes. lovely lovely lovely.

  • Lemme ask the scrumptious bearded one: the “B.” totally stands for bootylicious, huh?

    Yeah. Thought so.

  • Okay, totally un-related to college ID’s, but related to colleges: Dooce, who’s TMN — the one you gave you the link to the Pirate jokes? What a surprise to see you link to the St. Olaf College web site, which I manage. (Yep, I get to give all those wacky college student organizations — including the “Pirateers” — their little space on the web).

    And, speaking of St. Olaf and college ID’s, when I was a freshman some senior did his senior art show by taking every student’s college ID, hanging it up in a gallery, and labeling everyone “Pretty,” “Ugly,” “Okay,” “Gross,” “Hot” and every other category you could ever imagine. Scarred. For. Life.

  • Danika

    I am constantly being complimented on my license photo. People are jealous at how well it turned out… in fact I look at it and am like thats a total fluke for me to look that great why can’t I actually look like that every day?!

    Also I find it amusing because one eye is blue, one eye is purple but my eyes are green.

  • Sheila

    First thought that popped into my head: Chuckie Loeder

    That one curl hanging over your cheek looks like a small tear…..

  • You just gave me an idea for a new band name…

    “Frozen Mormon Panties”.

  • Don’t you think that if rogue regimes saw more pictures like this one that they’d think, God, these people have it bad enough, who needs terrorists?

    Unless, Like myself, your name comes from the same stem as Osama, and in your driver’s license, you do happen to fit the bill.

  • It’s an odd look, really…Equally disturbing and attractive. The kind of girl you smile at from across the room moments before she begins hurling furniture through the windows.

  • I was done with BYU in December ’92. Things definitely went downhill soon after: administration firing some of the best professors for reasons completely ridiculous. Professors in the Humanities Dept. were hating it. You got there just in time to see the University switch gears to Sunday School.

  • Chad’s Favorite Bridesmaid

    At SDSU in late August it’s about 700 degrees, you & 2,000 other 18 year olds are trying to move into the dorms, & as you make your way to the front desk of your dorm w/as much crap as you & your parents can carry you’re told by a perky RA that you have to go stand in that line over there before you move in…the one with the 2,000 freshman that got there before you did. Little do you know what the line is for until it’s entirely too late to do anything about your appearance. Like I don’t have enough trouble trying to take an acceptable picture.

  • Kristin

    At my school, they always take ID photos against a blue background…except, that is, for my freshman year. That year the powers that be decided to use a WHITE background instead. Now, I am an extremely white person (so much so that I have been asked on more than one occasion if I am an albino). Also, I was wearing a white tank top that day. My ID photo ended up looking like just two eyes and a frizzy mop of hair, thanks to the lovely DC-in-August humidity. If you held it at arms’ length, it looked like there was no person in the picture. Needless to say, I “lost” that fucker by Halloween.

  • Myopic Joe

    OMG, you are so not the Morman. Wrath of God incarnate!

    I can see the tabloid heading now…

    Evidence: Anti-Christ attended BYU!

  • Myopic Joe

    Gah! Mormon. Sorry (blush)

  • da

    oh my heck, isn’t that the bank robbing patty hearst look?

  • Kat

    last year i had this complete stranger come up to me and tell me he and his friends spent a good 10 minutes in the directory (small school) laughing about how pissed off i looked in my photo.
    we’re friends now, and we’ve never mentioned the incident since.

  • Lin

    Eek, the eyebrows!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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