Heater, Mother of Lance

The Reason I’ve Been Crying Incessantly For Days

40 Comments
  • Mike

    2003/04/14 at 1:45 pm

    Sounds like Lenny from Mice and Men.

  • Pissed

    2003/04/14 at 1:49 pm

    The reason why I’ve been crying incessantly for days…someone broke my heart.

  • michybrit

    2003/04/14 at 1:59 pm

    I’m partial to the clean shave myself (less abrasive on the kisses) — but the soul patch is kinda kitch. Hang in there. Dooce. This too shall pass.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/04/14 at 2:16 pm

    look at the bright side. you will have to remind him less often to wipe the snot off his lip or the chilli from his chin.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/04/14 at 2:29 pm

    You call your husband It? I thought calling my wife My Little Yum-Yum was weird, but…

  • angelique

    2003/04/14 at 2:36 pm

    maybe he can donate the shavings to benefit some mormon cancer society for chemo patients who are in need of kick-ass facial hair to boost their spirits…or….not…. personally, i’d be totally tantremming out. you should strike. if you guys weren’t trying to concieve i’d say hold out on the nookie – but that would defeat the purpose of populating utah with cute little blurbo-mites.

  • chorizo

    2003/04/14 at 2:39 pm

    now you get 100% real face, nothin’ covered up, no hiding that mug, shaped only by the actual structure of his bones. and I’m sure you’re not crying about that.

    oh, but I’m a bit biased towards the smooth chin, does it show? =)

  • Alex

    2003/04/14 at 2:41 pm

    At least your husband looked good in a beard. When mine had one, he looked like a jumberjack serial killer…

  • angelique

    2003/04/14 at 2:47 pm

    hey, dooce, while i’m at it… not to be a pain or anything, but did you know that one of the chairs (the 3rd from the left) in your banner is white-d out? there is just a white blob of an outline where a sassy little chair should be.
    good lookin out sistaaaah.

  • kath

    2003/04/14 at 3:19 pm

    I don’t blame you. It was so sexy. Does he look like a little boy now? When an old boyfriend of mine shaved off his beard, all I could think was that I was robbing the cradle all of a sudden.

  • Ariel

    2003/04/14 at 4:07 pm

    As someone who’s boytoy has had a beard ever since I met him almost six years ago, I would give ANYTHING for a bare chin. He claims no facial hair makes him look young. I claim that that’s because the last time he saw his chin, he was 20 years old. The issue remains unresolved.

  • Irk

    2003/04/14 at 4:09 pm

    I’ll drink an extra shot tonight for the beard.

  • Joe

    2003/04/14 at 4:43 pm

    hello dooce, just surfing on the job from that place you worked at long ago. thought i’d check in and say hello. hello. it is raining in la.

  • Adam

    2003/04/14 at 4:43 pm

    beard is better. go ahead and cry, cry, cry.

  • Ginchy

    2003/04/14 at 4:59 pm

    I feel your pain dooce. My evil husband did the same thing to me just before summer. He had the hide to tell me it facial hair is hot and itchy…but it looked so good. I feel your pain.

  • Amanda Lew

    2003/04/14 at 5:35 pm

    Be thankful you had it while you did. Those of us that date men in the corporate world — or are incapable of growing our own — aren’t as lucky. I feel your pain and mourn the soon-to-be-forgotten little whiskers that are decorating your bathroom floor.

  • soleilani

    2003/04/14 at 5:42 pm

    Damn, I’d weep, too.

  • kym

    2003/04/14 at 6:02 pm

    My husband did the same exact thing last year and didn’t even warn me. He came up behind me while I was on the computer and freaked me right out. I hardly recognized him. Now he’s always clean-shaven and I’ve actually gotten quite used to it. I know you will too. 😉

  • zchamu

    2003/04/14 at 6:17 pm

    I like the soul patch.

  • christine

    2003/04/14 at 6:44 pm

    sorry about the beard, dooce. I think beards are nice as long as they keep them nice an clean, which I’m sure your husband did. Stinky beards are really yuck.

    christine

    p.s. Angelique…I’m pretty sure Dooce’s chair is supposed to be white. It’s a design thingy. and a damn good one, I must say.
    😉

  • christine again

    2003/04/14 at 6:52 pm

    or was that just a joke? I’m just a little dense today.

  • Natasha

    2003/04/14 at 9:25 pm

    Dooce, you’re lucky that your husband looks good with or without the beard. My fiance looks good with his, but I’ve forbidden him to shave it (hell, he’s forbidden himself) because he–and I–and everyone, actually–knows that he looks not-so-great (to put it kindly) without it.

  • Natasha

    2003/04/14 at 9:27 pm

    Dooce, you’re lucky that your husband looks good with or without the beard. My fiance looks good with his, but I’ve forbidden him to shave it (hell, he’s forbidden himself) because he–and I–and everyone, actually–knows that he looks not-so-great (to put it kindly) without it.

  • rzan

    2003/04/14 at 9:53 pm

    My boyfriend has a shaving ceremony every May on his birthday. It’s coming up…I feel your pain. The beard is so so sexy.

  • lordgoon

    2003/04/14 at 10:19 pm

    I applied for a teaching job in Utah once, and my prospective employers told me that there would be a dress code. Button-down shirts, no hair below the shoulders…and no beards. I told one of them that I’d be willing to stick to this just so long as I could wear my armpit hair in braids.

    I didn’t get the job.

    You’d better watch out, or that spouse of yours is going to turn into The Man.

  • The Inmate

    2003/04/14 at 10:58 pm

    Pretty, perhaps. Itchy, warm and high-maintenance? Most definitely. I’ll admit it’s a stretch to compare…but it’s like a face-rug. Beards may be manly, but practical…quite not so.
    I’m siding with The Husband on that call.

  • JC

    2003/04/15 at 7:57 am

    look on the bright side…now you’ll have a good reason to look forward to the wintertime!

  • amanda

    2003/04/15 at 8:00 am

    I made my husband grow facial hair 5 years ago and he did it, even though his mom hated it (and still does). And when we were getting married a couple of summers ago, he threatened to shave it off for the auspicious event and I direly warned that if I showed up and he was clean shaven, I’d high-tail it out of there so fast. So, I understand and commiserate with you Dooce.

  • GK

    2003/04/15 at 9:10 am

    In my neck of the woods, beards are for times of no permanent relationships with women. One is clean shaven when he is committed to making a union work. It might be a good sign.

  • owern

    2003/04/15 at 10:14 am

    I often go without shaving for months. I don’t know, probably one of life expirements. I like the feeling I get when I hand the teller a $103 and she scans them (as if I look like a guy who prints money in his basement).
    I like it though since I can do it without provocation nor shame. No parents, girlfriends or responsible kin on guard.

    i meet a different kind a girl in this state though not as effectively as the afro I had a few months back.

    White chairs are nice but the kinda mess up if you have sex in them.

  • Texas T-Bone

    2003/04/15 at 10:26 am

    I’ve been thinking of regrowing a beard, but it gets deathly hot here in Tejas. I’d save time shaving but then lose time a few days a month keeping it tamed.

    Oh well. There’s always next winter.

  • Snowflake

    2003/04/15 at 10:42 am

    Luckily, my boyfriend is able to grow facial hair by just blinking so I have gotten used to the various faces (clean, scruffy, goatee, full beard). He once did a moustache for Halloween and that was quite horrible. Only a few men (and Frida K) are able to get away with that look!

    However, what I will be losing come May is his wonderfully poetic long locks. He will be cutting his hair since he can’t handle another humid Jersey summer with it cascading over his shoulders. At that time, I will be the one with the moist eyes.

  • Heather #2

    2003/04/15 at 6:53 pm

    it.still.never.remembers.me.

    John, why did you pick *NOW* to shave???

  • rosebaby

    2003/04/15 at 8:56 pm

    ahhh, but he has such a nice face. such a nice jawline. you’ll just be extra cute together.

    loving the new banner. especially the white chair.

  • Taylor

    2003/04/15 at 9:05 pm

    I love your website, your bantar, your toilet humor, and your letter to the bitch that cut in front of you way back when. I cant believe I only discovered this today, the internet never grows dull.

  • thomas

    2003/04/16 at 1:25 am

    Only porn stars should have beards.

    And lumberjacks.

  • david

    2003/04/16 at 7:00 am

    i disagree – porn stars shouldn’t have beards. only the sweet, sweet ‘stache.

    other than that, it’s all treasure trail!!!

  • farkleberry

    2003/04/16 at 7:34 am

    I think the clean-shaven look is nice…I agree, he’s got a good jawline that doesn’t need to be hidden. ‘Tho, the Country-Alt-Boy look was kinda cute too.

  • The Inmate

    2003/04/16 at 8:12 am

    That white chair is…disturbing. It’s like one of the regular chairs was blinked out of existence. It’s kind of an anti-chair. Everytime I look at it, I feel like my brain is being tricked and it’s really just a retinal after image. Then again, that would have had to be a really bright chair to do that. Maybe I’m giving this chair thing too much thought.

  • Funtime Ben

    2003/04/16 at 8:15 am

    I always thought women hated beards!? Apparently I wasn’t hanging out with the beard loving type of girls.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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