This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Things I Don’t Remember

1. The tick my mother burned out of my ear when I was five years old.

2. Why I woke up that one time at Mandalay Bay when I was staying at the Hard Rock.

3. Every New Year’s Day for the past seven years.

4. The words to my High School alma mater.

5. Why I signed up for that Old Navy credit card.

6. What it was like to be able to eat french fries without feeling guilty.

7. Why I ever agreed to pay my ex-boyfriend’s student loans.

8. Life before bills.

9. The exact moment I decided it was a good idea to date that gay man.

10. My original hair color.

11. Ever being less than 5 feet 11 inches tall.

12. The smell of Kim Chi.

13. What it felt like to think that one day I might vest all those options.

14. Ever standing up on the jewelry counter at JC Penny and belting every word of “You Light Up My Life” to a crowd of horrified strangers.

15. How to read music.

16. The various stages of photosynthesis.

17. The names of half my roommates in college.

18. The last time I had the oil changed in my Honda.

19. How to french-braid someone else’s hair.

20. The entire two semesters of Calculus I took in 1994.

21. How to write a letter on paper.

22. Why I ever thought “Fantasy Island” was the best show on TV.

23. The actual number of men named Matt I dated between the years 1993 and 1997.

24. The order of the books in the Old Testament.

25. Ever willfully agreeing to wear pantyhose.

26. Life before prescriptions.

27. Ever not knowing the words to every song on the Bee Gees Greatest Hits.

28. Who finally stopped laughing and explained to me what a boner was.

29. My sister’s hair ever being less than 4 inches off the top of her head.

30. How I ever lived without the love and support and patience and understanding and TOTAL FUCKING SAINTHOOD of the coolest man on earth.

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