the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I think his name is Tanner

I’m not related to this kid, he was just super cute and he was at my cousin’s wedding. I kept asking him his name and he kept saying, “Tanner!” but it came out sounding like, “Hannah!” So I kept saying, “Hannah?” and he kept saying, “No! TANNER!” and then I kept saying, “Hannah?” And this continued for an hour. At the end I just gave up and said, “Hannah, I’m putting you on the Internet.”

  • alibean

    2004/10/01 at 5:22 am

    That face just screams mischief waiting to happen.

    *crosses fingers to post first*

  • Michelle

    2004/10/01 at 5:23 am

    Did you find out if he’s single? I’m sure I’ll still be available when he’s 16. I mean 18.

  • di

    2004/10/01 at 5:25 am

    i feel like a retard. i’m upset that i’m not first. but hey, i’m in the top 10!

    i love the name tanner! hannah, too.

  • anna

    2004/10/01 at 5:25 am

    my friend: what do you want to do?
    her kid: watch a bideo!
    my friend: a bideo?
    her kid: no! a BIDEO!
    my friend (with a twinkle): okay, let’s watch a bideo!
    her kid (losing it): NO NO NO! A BIDEO!
    my friend (soothingly): okay, sweetheart. We’ll watch a video.

    Peace restored.

  • Dale

    2004/10/01 at 5:31 am

    Is Hannah wearing lipstick? Or is it just those great lil kid lips?

  • penelope

    2004/10/01 at 5:32 am

    What a cutie!

  • e

    2004/10/01 at 5:35 am

    i am elizabeth. this is apparently very hard for my brother to say. so, naturally, a nickname ensued…frank. (we have no idea.)

  • beachgal

    2004/10/01 at 5:38 am

    What a cutie. And he does look like he’s up for some mischief. I bet he keeps his parents busy, and boy that reminds me what I have in store for me in a few years.

  • Mir

    2004/10/01 at 5:39 am

    Twenty years from now, poor Tanner is going to be covered in tattoos and piercings, sobbing on his therapist’s couch that he fears he is a woman named Hannah trapped in a man’s body.

    I hope you’ll get some pictures of him, er, her, then as well.

  • kp

    2004/10/01 at 6:01 am

    i am profoundly disturbed by the comment left by “michelle”
    i’m half kidding.
    oh my.

  • CA

    2004/10/01 at 6:01 am

    For a few years when I was a toddler, I called my older sister Deet. No one had any idea why. Her name is Nicci.

  • Michael

    2004/10/01 at 6:02 am

    Maybe he was giving you his last name? Perhaps he is related to Uncle Jesse, DJ, Stephanie, and those mun-chee-chees we sometimes call the Olsen Twins.

    He doesn’t look like Bob Sagat though….

  • marke

    2004/10/01 at 6:07 am

    Personally, Michelle’s comment was my favorite.

  • Michele R

    2004/10/01 at 6:12 am

    He’s so cute! I see why you had to put him on the internet!

  • patricia

    2004/10/01 at 6:21 am

    I might be a product junkie, but that cute kid needs some lip balm.

  • kathe

    2004/10/01 at 6:33 am

    when my sister was a toddler, she couldn’t say my name properly. instead of kathe (pronounced same as kathy or cathy), she called me ga-ga instead. what was worse, my mom started calling me ga-ga too.

  • dr. dave

    2004/10/01 at 6:36 am

    This has nothing to do with the picture of the day… but I had a dream about The Dooce last night. For some reason, four families had all moved into the same house, and we all had kids and pianos and big-screen TVs. There was a lot of discussion about what the hell to do with four pianos. “Maybe somebody could sell their piano?” “Well I’m not selling MY piano!” But some of the guys were excited about having so many big-screen TVs, cuz then they could watch, like, three football games at the same time.

    I dunno – anyway, I recall you and I had a nice chat about something unreated to furniture, although I don’t remember exactly what.

    That’s it. Hope that doesn’t sound too creepy. I’m not a crazy stalker, really.

    Dr. Dave (

  • kara

    2004/10/01 at 6:37 am

    my cousin called me “carrot” until he was about 8 years old…He thought that my name was actually Carrot and everyone was just leaving the “t” sound off the end.

  • Lauren

    2004/10/01 at 6:38 am

    Hannah looks good in a tie.

    My cousin could never say her own last name properly, to this day I call her doolie doorbell
    (Julie Wardell)

  • Kristina

    2004/10/01 at 6:48 am

    My name went from Tee-Tee to Teeta to Hadina. I remember being very upset when Teeta went away.

    My cousin called my brothers (Pat and Nick) “Pack” and “Nit” for the longest time.

  • ashley

    2004/10/01 at 6:49 am

    what a cutie!
    look at those ears!!

    i would call him hannah too with ears like those

  • sarah

    2004/10/01 at 6:54 am

    My mother’s godson went by the name of Seashoe for many years, as that’s what his older brother called him. Nobody has any idea how Seashoe came from Nathan, but it was such a cute nickname that it really stuck.

    That kid is PRETTY.

  • Weez

    2004/10/01 at 6:58 am

    I saw cowbell on E! last night! It made the top 10 most memorable SNL moments. Now I cannot stop thinking about Will Farrell dancing around, banging on the cowbell, exposing his hairy midriff.

    Cute kid. He will be trouble.

  • Quin

    2004/10/01 at 7:02 am

    My nephew couldn’t say Quin at 15 months, but he could say “Dodo”.
    I like that the little ones know me by name first.

  • Chanelbaby

    2004/10/01 at 7:04 am

    I have to send a shout out to ANNA whose comment made me spit tea all over my monitor because I was laughing so hard. Rock on. Have fun in Park City Dooce! I see a lot of procedure in your future.

  • Heather 2

    2004/10/01 at 7:09 am

    Every child I meet instantly changes my name to ‘Hedo’ or ‘Hebo’. That ‘th’ really kills em, but it’s SO cute!

  • Heatheranne

    2004/10/01 at 7:12 am

    When my nephew was learning to talk, he used to call me “Hodka”.

    I don’t know how he got that from “Heather”.

    Also, to this day (he’s now 14) I’m trying to figure out what “dondy” is. He used to throw holy fits looking for “dondy”.

  • Dave

    2004/10/01 at 7:18 am

    I had to overnight baby-sit for my friend’s and her sister’s kids. My friend’s kid, Whitney, was 4 and I could understand her fine. The boy, Michael, was just turning 3 and talked as if his mouth was full of sand. Any time he said anything to me, I would have to turn to Whitney and ask for a translation into English.

    By the end of the stay, and hundreds of “Whitney…what did he say?”‘s, Whitney’s response to me always began with a curl of the nostril, roll of the eyes so high you thought she was having a seizure, and ended with a huff so deep she almost spit up a lung; “He said he wants to go swimming…duh!”.

  • bandick

    2004/10/01 at 7:22 am

    Hi Dooce,
    This doesn’t have anything to do with cute Tanner either but I had to get this information to you, IMMEDIATELY. I spend a good deal of my time researching companies and while surfing through Novartis’ web site I discovered some news that may change your life.

    FDA Approves Zelnorm as the First Rx Therapy For Chronic Constipation. Here’s the link to the press release…

    Good luck to you and the “4.5 Million Americans” who “Suffer from Constipation Most of the Time”. I had no idea how many Americans are bound up. Sheez.

    On a side note, my godson is very into Thomas the tank engine and specifically, Percy and the freight cars. He talks incessantly about Pussy and the Fuckers. Sorry for the language. Sort of.

  • Lindsey

    2004/10/01 at 7:24 am

    What a Stud! He looks quite fab in his tiny little bow-tie 🙂

  • Laurie

    2004/10/01 at 7:26 am

    To this day my parents still call me ganseberren (which is german for goose berry) along with all of its varients. Goose berry goose, goose, ganse, ganse berry etc.

    Apparently I had an odd obsession with gooseberries when I was 3.

  • Carrie

    2004/10/01 at 7:27 am

    What a freakin’ cutie. He is so going to be a heartbreaker. Check out his come-hither eyes….

  • Valerie L.

    2004/10/01 at 7:29 am

    My niece: I’m Bobby.
    Me: Oh Bobby, huh?
    My Neice: NO I’M BOBBY!
    Me: Bobby?
    Me: Oh very nice to meet you Barbie.

  • Hannah

    2004/10/01 at 7:34 am

    Hannah’s a good name. Go the palendrome!

  • maxigumee

    2004/10/01 at 7:35 am

    He looks evil.

  • Tracy

    2004/10/01 at 7:42 am

    Since he’s not related, can you maybe arrange a marriage between him and Leta? Cause think of the cute kids they’d have.

  • sab

    2004/10/01 at 7:50 am

    I hope your hand gets better soon.

  • Mari

    2004/10/01 at 7:52 am

    Loved the half-sockless baby story.

    I just wanted to say though that you might want to start carrying benadryl and an epi-pen with you. You look like you had a pretty big reaction to that bee sting. It could be much worse the next time, so please be careful!

  • Kristen

    2004/10/01 at 7:55 am

    Truly adorable.

  • diane

    2004/10/01 at 7:56 am

    My two little cousins (not so little now–23 & 17) had funny problems with words. Kent, the littler one, used to call his sister Jennnifer “Foo-fer.” That one stuck for a long time. When Jennifer was little, she had this conversation with my Mom:
    J: I want Santa to bring me a caw baw.
    M: A caw baw?
    J: No, a caw baw!
    M: Caw baw?
    J: NO, A CAW BAW!
    M: (laughing) A caw baw?
    J: (furious) NO, I SAID A CAW BAW!!

    Caw baw = Care Bear

  • beachgal

    2004/10/01 at 7:59 am

    Oh goodness, that hand needs some Benadryl. Erm, well, your body needs to ingest some anyway, so that it will work its magic on your hand. Hope it goes down soon! I used to be deathly allergic, and luckily I outgrew it. Glad it wasn’t little Leta or the dog that got stung, but sorry it was you!

  • Kerry S

    2004/10/01 at 8:15 am

    He is adorable…gorgeous eyes!

    My husband’s cousin has 2 girls (age 5 & 3)…the 3 year old is really hard to understand. She calls me Kiwi and now it’s stuck and the whole family calls me this!

    When I was small, I couldn’t say my younger brother’s name Philip. It came out as Slibib, and he’s still known as this and he’s 26!

  • Erin

    2004/10/01 at 8:17 am

    Your pictures of kids always turn out so adorable. Kids do not sit still and have perfectly placed drool for me to photograph.

    Was your cousins wedding at Log Haven by any chance? That is where I was married 4 years ago and the background of the recent wedding pictures look very familiar to me. I’d love to see more if you have them of the grounds or the patio or the ampitheater or the lodge!

  • Wendy

    2004/10/01 at 8:21 am

    My 3-year-old son calls my 9-month-old daughter “Dukey” (how she got it is related to a Thomas the Tank Engine story). We are hoping this little nickname wears off before she goes to school.

  • Wendy

    2004/10/01 at 8:24 am

    p.s. Heather, I too use my Baby Bjorn for walks with “Dukey” and have experienced more half-sockless episodes than I care admit.

  • Michelle

    2004/10/01 at 8:26 am

    Sorry Kp. Michelle is often profoundly disturbing.

  • Mary

    2004/10/01 at 8:30 am

    The little boy I nanny calls his sister (whose real name is Mary Liz) Bubba. For the longest time that’s what she thought her name was. People would ask her and she’d say, “Bubba Liz.” And then one day she was adamant that she was now Mary Liz and no longer Bubba or Bubba Liz. Thank goodness.

  • Amber

    2004/10/01 at 8:31 am

    My sister: Aunt Janet, is your name Janet?
    My Aunt Janet: Yes, sweetie.
    My sister: Aunt Janet, can I call you Janet?
    My Aunt Janet: Sure, if you want to.
    My sister: Can I call you Janice?
    My Aunt Janet: Well .. ummm … ok …
    My sister: Can I call you Aunt Janice?
    My Aunt Janet: …. … ok
    My sister: ok.

    Amazing how these things resolve themselves

  • Sarcomical

    2004/10/01 at 8:34 am

    first off: that child is adoralicious! how sweet! and he looks to have been intently interested in you. 😉

    second: heather! i am seriously scared for your hand! do something! and then let us know it is okay! aack!

  • pd

    2004/10/01 at 8:41 am

    Another photo to add to my SQUEAL! file.

    My older brother and I called our youngest brother “Boodles” for years and years. Now he’s 20 and wants us dead, but we still think it’s funny to call him that.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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