the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Serving a Life Sentence

Today I met the New and Improved Leta: Her Screamness Who Screams A Lot Every Day With The Screaming FOR A REASON. Up until this point she has screamed for no reason other than that there are only a certain number of functions an infant can perform, like sleeping, eating and screaming. Today, however, she screamed for a reason, that reason involving me taking away the cordless phone she had shoved nearly all the way down her gummy, semi-thoothy maw. A few moments passed after I had successfully removed the phone from her mouth, and she looked at me like, “And who the hell are you?” And then… then the Screaming For A Reason, the most piercing, excruciating noise that could be emitted without cutting a hole in the lower atmosphere. The windows vibrated.

Oh, the life that I have ahead of me.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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