Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Hot drinks are not for the belly

A few months after I was baptized into the Mormon Church I was at a friend’s house hanging out when she offered me a taste of her drink. I was eight-years-old at the time and had just been cleansed of all my sins, leaving them in the baptismal font to be drained into the ether. My friend was Catholic and she knew that Mormons were forbidden to drink coffee or tea, and she thought it would be funny to try and trick me into drinking her tea.

I thought she was offering me a taste of her Coke, which would have been fine because Mormons can drink Coke and Pepsi and other caffeinated beverages because the scriptures don’t specifically say, “Thou shalt not consume Coca-Cola or any product alike thereof.” It’s a great loophole, and that’s why many Mormons are addicted to Diet Coke and can feel safe in their righteousness.

So I took a giant swig of her tea, thinking it was Coke, and the moment that tea hit my tongue I knew that what I was putting into my body was strictly forbidden by the Lord. And for the next several months of my life all I could think about was how I had drunk that tea AFTER I had been baptized, and why couldn’t I have done it BEFORE so that the sin would have been be washed away and not just sitting there on my conscience pushing me into my grave and straight into Hell.

I still haven’t repented of that sin.

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