Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

The Pimp and his friend Iccas

That’s Roger on the left. He dressed up as Issac, the bartender from “The Love Boat,” and because no one could tell who he was he put a name tag on his shirt that said, “Hello, I’m Issac.” I was drinking gin all night, and gin, well, it was the gin’s fault that I swear to god his name tag said, “Iccas.” And I called him that all night.

  • jm

    Did the pimp have to order his costume through the mail? Are they allowed to sell such garments in Utah?

    (btw, Dooce, you were a topic of conversation last night in our house. My husband was trying to cheer me up after a less than stellar day. He managed to make me laugh a little bit. without thinking, I reached for the laptop and said, “I REALLY need a laugh. What is Dooce up to?” He protested,”Dooce? I’m trying to make you laugh right HERE! Is this going to become a three way with Dooce?” He was then immediately mortified because…well… Pastor’s Kid. That made me laugh more than anything combined. But I am a mean, repressed, recovering Catholic. 🙂

  • I remember Ahhh! Real Monsters!! In fact, it was on digital cable the other day.

    I grew up Catholic, but I honestly never understood what the hell was going on in church. All I knew was that I was bored and the guy in the front talked too much. (I’m a pagan now.)

    Dooce, we love you. You are so strong.

  • Jess

    No coffee or tea?! For the love of Pete, that’s some cruel religion. So I guess only sinners go to Starbucks in Utah.

    Anyhoosie. Ever since your post about wings I have been totally hankering for some. I’m goin’ to Costco.

  • As a Catholic, I apologize for the little girl’s switcheroo with the tea/coke. Talk about the stain of sin. Tea stains are hard to remove but if you use club soda, you do stand a half decent chance of removing it.

  • Laura

    Agreed, your candor is always interesting. I’ve noticed in reading your posts and archives over the past months that you seem to have a body image (and others’ bodies) quirk that you may want to look into before Leta is old enough to pick up on it or if god forbid she somehow becomes a non-twiggy kid/teen/adult, (i.e. clearly valuing the very skinny body, stating that certain thin actresses have a “huge ass”, etc.)

  • wait! Are there starbucks in Utah?!

  • buckmulligan

    It’s the Jehovahs Witnesses that don’t vote, not the Mormons. And I think it’s a bit facile to blame a religion itself for the ways that the religion is distorted or appropriated by an oppressive culture to a harmful effect (whether eating disorders or terrorism). We need to change the culture in these cases, not denigrate the religion (no matter how misguided we think it). Sorry for the preaching.

  • Melanie S

    Grrrr! He’s sexy.

    Okay, now that I have seen numerous people post up poo related topics, I have to know something. Dooce, have you ever had a colonic to help you with your issues? They help me with my issues and also help eliminate my lovely migraines. Just thought I’d ask.

  • thanks heather…now you make us catholics look like a bunch of evil-doers, bringing a poor, defenseless mormon girl down the path of hell and damnation. “drink my pretty …. drink…”

  • So many beautiful posts to read lately. Coming to makes me feel good. Thanks, Heather.


    I can’t believe people dress like that! 🙂 LMAO

    J in TO

  • DM

    Dooce, I have to tell you, it’s a pleasure to read you. You amaze me with your strength daily and I think you’re great. I’ve struggled with my weight since I was in 4th grade so it is always interesting to hear from someone from the other side of the weight issue. Isn’t it sad that we spend all this time worrying about self-image and not realizing that it has a huge part to do with depression? Anyway, thanks for being a great inspiration and an extremely funny person.

    Oh, thought of you today when a shareholder called and said “I’m from Utah. The Mormon state.” I don’t know why I thought that was so amusing but I did.

  • Erin

    Your tea story reminded me of a childhood trama. The National Enquirer(sp) had an article about a boy whom had BEEN to hell. He returned and told his story to the nice people at the NE. In the report he outlined how he was taught rhymes like (and it still makes me shiver), ‘Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, I spit them out and they are gone’. I was CERTAIN that I was going to go to hell each time I thought of this rhyme. Sitting in Mass or just out playing it would cross my mind and I would be near tears with the concern that I would be damned to hell for having the gall to think such a horrible thing.
    I also got over it.

  • I remember when I visited BYU for some youth conference thingie back in 1989 that they only had caffeine free diet Coke in the dining hall. I just found that (among many other things I saw) really damn funny, and I had caffeine withdrawal that entire week.

    Thanks for your candor, Heather! It’s refreshing to read.

  • DG


    Hot drinks are said to increase intestinal peristalsis… leading to much poopage.

  • Jessica Raab

    Did a little internet searching and:

    There are 30 Starbucks in Utah and 123 Starbucks in Massachusetts! Wow.

    (Massachusetts has over twice as many people, and far more sinners.)

  • popsicle

    holy moly guacamole! there are 1,521 locations in california. talk about things NOT. in moderation, we should talk starbuck’s. good golly. that’s absurd. californian’s are addicted to caffeine and starbuck’s is addicted to monopoly. greedy bastards.

  • Melanie S

    Surely the coffee makes you doodle. Ha!

    Dooce, I was looking at the old picture posts and saw the one that Jon took of you checking your favorite blogs while you were standing in the Mac store. I’d love to know who’s you read. I’m always looking for new ones, but they don’t compare to the Dooce!

  • Cristy

    I watched that show last year when they first aired it AND saw the one last night. She’s changed ALOT. I’ve never been in that position myself, but can emphathize. I was glad to see she was still alive. Good job for overcoming your issues. 🙂

  • That’s quite possibly the funniest picture I’ve seen of this Halloween!

  • Coffee makes my colon go batshit. By that I mean that it makes me go people shit, not bat shit.

  • George Lover

    And the sunglasses on “The Pimp” could easily work next year if he decided to go as the fly.

  • Sheryl

    In my experience, while taking anti-depressants especially (and you almost have* to drink coffee if your meds are the kind that make you sleepy), coffee significantly dehydrates the lower digestive tract and causes constipation to worsen.

    In order to counteract this, I have to drink only one cup of coffee a day and drink one gallon of water.

  • sarah

    please, please look at this most hilarious site dear dooce. i think you will love it.
    (*note: i have many friends from the south. this is in no way meant as a stab to southerners. it is simply good old humor at the expense of the “red states”)

  • el

    It’s I S A A C.

  • what’s weird is that I hear caffeine is a laxative.

    Check me out please, fellow readers of Dooce and DJ Blurb: (although I am totally near their league since I just started)

  • kim

    Well, since no one said “no” I’m gonna post this link.

    the strips that are available right now are archives. If he gets enough people to join then he’ll start drawing again. His humor is awesome! Check it out. I think that if just 25% of dooce’s visitors joined him at $25 for an annual subscription (no risk) then he’d be at his goal.

    Check him out!!

  • Jessica Raab said at 02:32PM, 11.09.2004:
    There are 30 Starbucks in Utah and 123 Starbucks in Massachusetts! Wow.

    But, Massachusetts has a Mormon governor. Go figure.

  • IHateToast

    i don’t understand why caffeine would be a sin. i don’t drink it much, because it’s just not healthy and is a diuretic (not the same as a laxative, but a dehydrator nonetheless), but i do treat myself to a good burpfest a la coke every weekend. still, why is it a sin? and it’s not burping, because the mormons aren’t banning cokes. so…. how is it a sin? i don’t get it. valerian tea should be a sin, as it’s nucking fasty and must be a product of satan’s minions. tinned meat should be a sin. and anything that makes you gassy should be a sin…. that way, if you toot, instead of being embarrassed, you could feel prous as a sort of in-your-religious-face badass sort of way.
    so someone tell my why coffee and tea are sins?
    and why is it isaac? or aaron? or lloyd? does it change the pronunciation if i write isac, aron or loyd? and why isn’t it flloyd? i’m chaning my name to kkaty, but i’ll tell people it’s pronounced cosmic kitten.

  • Sheryl

    But Massachusetts also has 704 Dunkin’ Donuts franchises. Don’t forget that!

  • MapleLeaf

    I have always wondered, among the many wonders of the world, where do pimps shop? Where does one find a purple jacket trimmed with Zebra? Does a pimp get up one morning and after checking on the bitches scribble notes on what to do today, casually noting a required trip to Pimps-R-Us?

  • They sell that pimp gear at Target, over near where they stock the Magnum condoms and the Yoohoo.

  • About tea: I had a similar experience when I was at a Chinese restaurant with my best friend and her mom when I was about 13. Somehow, I’m not sure how, they convinced me to drink the tea. I only took a sip, to see what it tasted like, I felt guilty for weeks. Not just because I’d tasted hot tea… but because I’d liked it.

  • Colleen

    Sarah, great website!!!

  • Great picture!! I love Halloween, a friend of mine went to a Pimps up ho’s down party on halloween.. she was dressed as your typical “crack-Ho” ah.. the good times…

  • yes, Sarah.. that site made me LOL… thanks!

  • This reminds my mom of all the mormons in her school and she wonders what happened to them all…did they turn out like Heather? Not that that’s not cool. But she especially remembers one really, really smart girl named Karen. She used to explain all the mormon rules to my mom and my mom would always say “but why?” And somehow Karen actually had an answer of some kind…but she does remember trying to think about how you could get off on a technicality.

  • Sophie

    I’ve been Mormon my entire life (32 years now) and I’ve never been told by anyone at church who or what I should vote for. We are, however, strongly encouraged before every election to learn about the issues and candidates and to make sure we vote. Before last week’s election our Bishop told the whole congregation to study the issues and “vote the way your conscience compels you to.”

    I’ve read more wacky, untrue things about Mormons in the comments on this site than I’ve heard in the rest of my life combined!

  • Sheryl

    Maybe you’ve read things on this site that you didn’t experience…keep in mind there is a vast array of human/Mormon experiences you may not be aware of or or that you may not be naturally “tuned” to notice.

    Many flavors of human experience. A cool thing about the truth. And to quote Heather: *There are several sides to every story.*
    All facets, even your post, have a place in the overall shared story.

  • anne

    ‘dooced’ is in december’s Wired jargon section. i felt good because i knew who heather b armstrong was.

  • Cristina

    Heather–Papa Johns is selling wings now! I thought you would appreciate their jingle “it dont mean a thing if you aint got that wing”

  • rob


  • wooo

    Losing your job over something you wrote online. Named after, a blog run by Web developer Heather Armstrong. Armstrong got canned after anonymous critiques of her coworkers were linked to her.

  • Kano

    The thing I don’t understand about uhhhh hmmmm being religious is this. How can anyone that has a lot of cursing and otherwise trashy comments on a website….even think about the worries of going to Hell for drinking something with caffeine in it?

  • Wow. #1 reason why I will NEVER go Mormon. Can’t be without my Chai and Green Tea!

  • Stacy

    Chill, it is a joke. She’s not worried about her caffeine comsumption at the age of eight. After all, she does bloodthirsty shit like carry a one socked baby around. She obviously has bigger sins to worry about.

  • I went to a stamp workshop last night, where I met a sweet lady named Martha who’d just returned from visiting her Air Force son and his family in Utah. I asked her how beautiful it was, and she replied, “Utah is gorgeous. I’d move there if there wasn’t so many damn Mormons!” *snerk*

    I know that when I condemn any part of my upbringing, my mother takes it really personally. I was thinking as I read your post about depression and eating disorder, what your mom thinks about it. I have huge respect for you and for your candor, and I hope that your mom understands your reasons for getting it out.

    And now I, too, must eat chicken wings. For breakfast. With a pimp and a afro’d bartender.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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