An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Apparently, when I was a baby I looked like Jon Armstrong

  • Just read this article:

    Do you ACTUALLY get 40,000 hits a day? If you had a hit counter, it’d look like the Griswold’s electric meter at Christmas!

  • kim

    heather, can you please write a book already? how much longer are you gonna make us wait for a WHOLE BOOK of stories just like the “Cautionary Tale”?? and please make sure they ship to germany..

  • danielle gs

    I love that one of the google ads is for a “Padded Butt Panty”.

    Panty. Definitely panty. Almost as good as the word ointment. (a friend of mine from college loves the word ointment. I think it is the oinky sound at the beginning that is so appealing)

  • I am entirely happy that there is a Google Ad up for “Padded Butt Panties”. That just made my morning.

  • I don’t know, maybe it’s me but if you’re (meaning Google) going to advertise something called a ‘Sissy Panty’ you would think they would at least provide pictures…GEESH!

    *Sarah–We like you. We REALLY like you! hehe

    *Master OTO–hmmm, maybe a sitz bath in mayo. Isn’t that the Old Wives cure for blisters….mmmm, that makes me think of BLT’s. Not the sitz just the mayo….

  • Master of the Obvious

    So, afters I eats the spicy buffalos wings, and I finds blisters on me ass, you wants me to sitz in the mayo?

  • Ooh Sheryl- saucy! Touche my witty friend. 🙂

    Fish- don’t sell yourself short, you were pretty damn funny today.

  • Sheryl

    Aye, aye – Fish, your posts are stuffed to the gills… you been schoolin us

    btw – Tracy
    Screaming Sphincter Garlic Hot Sauce

    Screaming Sphincter Chili Recipe

  • Lisa

    Heather- next time tell the barista,
    “Ghost of Christmas future, baby.”

  • I thought that thumbnail was Leta — she does look more and more like you every day =) (PS — loved the cheddar fish story)

  • Caroline

    Love the Alphalfa look.

    Did I spell that right?

  • mrs. george #2

    Library Nat, I don’t know how to make internet jesus fish, but I can do this: :> and I think that should count for something.

    GirlA this is for you:

    You be my hero, girl(A).
    You be makin’ my heart glow
    Like some hot boiling diarrhea
    Comin’ out yo ass.
    Blistering sphincters aint got shit
    On yo fine ass self.
    George gonna be my baby daddy
    and dooce be a fly ass mamma
    GirlA, she be lovin’ that bling
    That ice, those rocks
    Shining from my grill
    Like scaly internet jesus fish.
    Blessed Be.

  • I’ve had many, many days like that. The worst was when after a day at the beach, I was dragging my two, very defiant toddlers, our sand toys, diaper bag, towels, etc. across the sand to the parking lot. Totally struggling. I saw up ahead a large group of typical Orange County teenagers who were all just watching me approach them like I was some sort of freak. I couldn’t avoid walking past them and as I did, I mumbled something like, “enjoy your youth.” Of course, they were all silent. I think one girl sort of smiled, but I think it was out of pity. I wanted to scream, “I used to be just like you! It wasn’t that long ago! You just wait! Etc. etc. etc.”

  • Leta looks like you. My brother and I looked exactly the same as babies, and we’re 13.5 years apart.

  • From now on whenever I think about eating wings (and I eat them ALL THE TIME), I will forever visualize hot, boiling diarrhea. But my image will include blue cheese dressing. Cheesy, hot, boilin’ diarrhea.

  • Aw geez. I was gonna buy you Robeez, darn it all to heck.

  • The tales (and vivid descriptions) of hot boiling diarrhea are, um, interesting and all; but my favorite word from today’s comments is *perambulating*. Say it with me now…perrrrammmmmbuuuulaaaatiiing. There now…isn’t that nice?

  • It brings tears to my eyes that “hot boiling diarrhea” means as much to all of you as it does to me. I heart you all…sniff.

  • Sheryl

    Hot boiling diarrhea brings tears to all our eyes

  • library Nat

    I like how your small world/sock finder person used a hyphenated ‘y’ twice to turn nouns into adjectives. Just wanted to mention that.

    ps. Where is Amber and her internet Jesus fish? <>

  • Lesley

    re “cautionary tale,” I think you might have coined a new stage direction: “stage leta”

  • re: “Hot boiling diarrhea brings tears to all our eyes”

    ‘Tis rare that I visit this late at night, but GOOD GOD, Sheryl, you are f-ing hilarious. By the way, it was English Literature grad school at Fordham, but I majored in philosophy in undergrad.

    Tracy: “Screaming Sphincter” will be tomorrow’s phrase that I’ll try to use in every conversation.

  • robin

    At least you didn’t spill coffee on yourself.

  • Karen Rani

    On the subject of poop: I once had a male roommate who drank draft beer, despite the raging ring of fire he would endure after a night of such, so he put a roll of toilet paper in the freezer for the morning after…..therefore, you can still eat hot wings! It just takes a bit of foresight.

    On the trip to Starbucks with Leta – I get it. I totally get it. I never thought I’d be that woman either. My 4 month old Thomas is the male version of Leta – he rarely naps because I haven’t discovered the art of precise napping that you speak of. He screams – ALOT with a capital fucking A. Thank God for Paxil.

  • Jen C

    Very cute baby pic!

  • 20 buffalo wings… Who would have thought the cure for constipation was THAT SIMPLE?

  • Master of the Obvious

    If 20 Buffalo Wings is the cure for constipation, what’s the cure for ass-blisters?

  • heather

    wow never knew those Robeez exsisted very cool shoes just ordered a pair hehe u should get a commision

  • Carol

    Yes, what IS prolly?

    Love the Starbucks story. That’s happened to me about twice a week for the past 3 years. And now I have TWO. It just gets worse. And better.

    Dooce, you’re a great writer.

  • Harriet

    Ladies, R U kidding?
    Prolly = Probably

  • e

    Leta TOTALLLY looks like you!

  • shy me

    That’s Leta’s Mommy for SURE

  • hg

    The only thing worse than calling it “The Costco” is calling it “Costco’s.” It seems to be a Brooklyn/Queens/Jersey thing, and I HATE IT.

  • No, I sold out after a year of grad school and became a *gasp* lawyer.

  • Sheryl

    LOL I was going to add “(feigning surprise)” on my last post.
    Let me guess, philosophy… or ummm, philosophy of science. Or was it rhetoric.

  • Tracy

    Screaming sphincter, Fish is a shark!

  • Sheryl

    OMG Tracy – I almost fell off my chair when I refreshed, laughing so hard. The file cabinet broke my fall – painful!

    Fish, partnership is easier to get than tenure some say. From my pov it’s a toss-up.

  • The best thing about wings (besides the taste) is the throat-searing, eyeglass-fogging buffalo wing burps they empower. I’ve had a many an instance when the burps were so raw and fiery that I threw up in my mouth. Even Tivo can’t beat that.

  • ella’s ma

    I just now read yesterday’s post about Leta and the goldfish. If there are goldfish crackers within a 20 foot radius of my daughter, she knows, and she.must.have.them. Period. They are crack for babies.

  • Bec

    Better then looking like Neil Armstrong I guess… 😆

  • So we now know how to spell diarrhea, but what is prolly?

    I’ll say it again…people are attracted to themselves (people who like them)

  • The sock – how cool is the sock story – I love the Internet!

  • Master of the Obvious

    Anyone else sitting here thinking about what a shark looks like, comparing to a lawyer, comparing to Neil Armstrong in a spacesuit?

    Took me a while – but Yes, I am Master of the Obvious

  • Master of the Obvious

    Fran, Mebbe you are taking TV *and* spelling too seriously. Reed it owtlowd fer chrisssake

  • Jen

    Yah for the SB. I want to see more. Are you a 2Ps girl?

  • Sheryl

    Fish, I have a vivid imagination. I’ve never compared hot boiling diarrhea with anything before …

    Though once I did eat 2 tablespoons of wasabi on a bet. And that was a scary-ass experience the next day. Felt like my “bottom system” shed it’s internal lining – much like the roof of your mouth after you drink scalding coffee, or like a Python turning itself inside out to molt. But the guy who ate 5 tablespoons of wasabi spent the night in the emergency room.

  • For a developing example of Schizophrenia and the Internet, see the comments section at

  • Hey Dooce — What happened to DJ Blurb?

  • Mihow: not schizoprenia, post-structuralism, silly.

    We’ll hang ourselves tomorrow … unless Godot comes.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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