the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Let us rejoice and be glad

Dave, Beth’s husband who always ends up with half of his meal on his face and who owned half cow print, half acid wash shorts in college, took this photo of Leta and me doing a Hava Nagila dance in front of the truck I had parked in front of their crazy neighbor’s house. You can’t see it from the perspective of this picture, but those neighbors had taped hand-made signs to the trees in front of their house that said, “DO NOT PARK HERE.” Now, come on. That’s 1) illegal and 2) just plain ornery. And the best way to fight ornery is with ornery.

So I parked RIGHT THERE in front of their trees and celebrated my defiance with a little jig.

  • Stephen McKenna

    2004/11/18 at 6:33 am

    This hair situation MUST to be addressed pronto. It looks like you have a receding hair line, mullet/rat tail disaster on your head and I just can’t believe this can actually be true.

    Unbelievably sexxy legs and shoes though!

  • Em

    2004/11/18 at 6:27 am

    Awesome. Jig of Defiance! You go.

  • Maz

    2004/11/18 at 6:28 am

    C-R-A-Z-Y neighbors – wow! I’d be freaked out – good for you dancing the little jig!!!

  • megan

    2004/11/18 at 6:28 am

    OMG, WEEVILS! I should have been invited to that tupperware party (so what if I live in CA and you don’t know me?) because we have HAD weevils, and they are nasty, stubborn, fly-out-of-a-corner-after-you-think-you-got-them-all BASTARDS. Obvisouly, I need tupperware. And lots of it.

  • Karen Rani

    2004/11/18 at 6:29 am

    OMG – from the thumbnail pic, I thought you were gonna show us a pic of a rooster….I love your shoes and I covet thy legs!!

  • Mo

    2004/11/18 at 6:30 am

    we had neighbors like that once. the lady would actually run out of her house and yell “WHY-ARE-YOU-PARKING-THERE!!!??” To which we would answer carefully, while backing away slowly, “because i can…?”
    its folks like that who give other crazy cat people a bad, crazy name.

  • Sonia

    2004/11/18 at 6:31 am

    Damn, and I thought my legs were long! I mean… damn!

    Don’t those people know that “Do Not Park Here” translates to “Please Park Here Because I’m a Huge Asshole and Deserve To Be Annoyed”?

  • Sarah

    2004/11/18 at 6:32 am

    Karen Rani….I am so glad you said that about the rooster! I totally though the same exact thing, and then thought I was just a freak.
    Oh wait. I am a freak. Oh well!
    Just glad I’m not a lonely freak.
    I am Jewish, by the way…I just said I’m not a ‘good’ Jew.

  • abc

    2004/11/18 at 6:32 am

    How is it that crazy people always marry crazy people? They sound like they have Parnoid Personality Disorder and they FOUND EACH OTHER. Amazing. Beth should stick a telescope at her window. that would really freak em out.

  • Liz

    2004/11/18 at 6:04 am

    Way to piss off the neighbors! Yay!

  • beachgal

    2004/11/18 at 6:06 am

    I want to know more about those shoes! I’m trying to enlarge the picture, to get a better look, but it’s not working!! Please…show a larger picture of the shoes!

  • Heather 2

    2004/11/18 at 6:08 am

    I would start visiting Beth more often, with the main purpose being to park in front of their tree. They’re TOTALLY asking for it.

  • Paige

    2004/11/18 at 6:08 am

    I think it’s much more awesome to be LAST LAST OMG I’M LAST WOO HOO I was doing other things, then saw a post, and holy crap, I’M LAST!

    P.S. I’d leave the truck there all friggin’ night. Maybe even sleep in it. Then just wave to the crazy people when they look at you through the windows. Yep.

  • The Other Brian

    2004/11/18 at 6:15 am

    Fighting ornery with ornery rocks!

  • jen

    2004/11/18 at 6:16 am

    you go, girl 😀

  • popsicle

    2004/11/18 at 6:18 am

    a couple of important notes-

    -i love the red shoes.
    -since everyone else commented how long your legs are, i think i will comment on how much i like those jeans.
    -beth’s story is wacked. i would cover their signs with “Park Here Please” and see how long you can get away with it. ‘shut your blinds’ – sheesh – how about ‘shut your mouth, mad crazy spooky cat loving neighbor, go crawl back in your hole’.

  • Drew

    2004/11/18 at 6:18 am

    Heather, you are truly a lady after my own rebellious heart. If you shouldn’t do it, then you must!

    Those neighbors are FREAKY! I wouldn’t be able to resist a little harrassment myself.

  • Regan

    2004/11/18 at 6:21 am

    funky red shoes! the perfect shoes for ornery hava nagila dances. and ass-kicking in general 😉

  • Jenny

    2004/11/18 at 6:22 am

    Look at those long legs – I wish! Lucky Leta – such good genes! My sister stole all the tall genes … and I got the stumpy ones 🙁

  • elissa

    2004/11/18 at 5:52 am

    wow, you sure are leggy. 🙂

  • Jessica Raab

    2004/11/18 at 5:53 am

    I just read that whole scary neighbor story. Eek. I especially enjoyed the ironic twist of dedicating a whole page on the web to paranoid freaks who want their privacy.

    On an unrelated note, I’m jealous that you can eat all those wings and still be a supermodel.

  • Marie

    2004/11/18 at 5:56 am

    love that shit-eating grin on heather’s face!!

    and beth’s story freaked me the fuck out….wtf?

  • Mo

    2004/11/18 at 5:56 am

    This sidewalk is for REGULAR-WALKIN!!

    (fight the power!)

  • maura

    2004/11/18 at 5:56 am

    what a scary neighbor….looks like you both have interesting *friends* next door! ha ha ha ha! i would do the EXACT same thing….what else do they expect with a home made illegal sign?

    where can i get legs like that?

  • FrenchBenj

    2004/11/18 at 5:57 am

    I thought you were a blonde these days. Is it the return of poopy red?

  • Brooke

    2004/11/18 at 5:58 am

    YOu have some looong legs, lady.

  • pismire

    2004/11/18 at 6:00 am

    Might as well teach the ornery jig to Leta while she’s young.

  • krissy pants

    2004/11/18 at 6:01 am

    While in college I attended a Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity formal, otherwise known as Sammies. The Sammies were a bunch of quirky, charming young Jewish men. And I was a naive little shiksa. It was here that I first danced the Hava Nagila. I was put in a cheap reception hall chair and the boys lifted me up above their heads dancing around, then dropped me on the portable, faux wood dance floor because they were so drunk.

    Oh, where has my youth gone?

  • susu

    2004/11/18 at 6:03 am

    Uhhhh… the hair? THE HAIR? What did you do to your HAIR?

  • Jenny

    2004/11/18 at 6:04 am

    Did you scream IN YOUR FACE? I might have.

  • Becca

    2004/11/18 at 5:44 am

    That made me laugh out loud. That’a great picture.

  • Human Writes

    2004/11/18 at 5:44 am

    I AM Jewish and I know that’s not the proper Hava Negila dance because you’re hair’s not on fire, you’re fully clothed and there isn’t a piece of gefilte fish in sight. Looks more like the Rockettes’ One Singluar Sensation dance to me.

  • Heather 2

    2004/11/18 at 5:45 am

    OMG…those people are certifiably INSANE! (Just checked our your link to Beth’s site…I would be scared, too!!)

  • Sondra

    2004/11/18 at 5:46 am

    So jealous of the X-Terra. And it’s silver! I have an old Pathfinder, which I love, because it’s rugged and tough, unlike the more sissified Pathfinders they carry nowadays. Now the X-Terra is the badass SUV and I have a huge crush on them. I freak out and point whenever I see one on the road. Yes, I am that weird person.

    Awesome Hava Nagila dance. My mom used to wake us up in the morning belting out that song at the top of her lungs. I grew to HATE that song, and any accompanying dance. The funny thing is, we weren’t even jewish, but my mom loved that song.

  • e

    2004/11/18 at 5:46 am

    haHA! that’s awesome – way to be you fiesty armstrong girls, you!

  • Sarcastic Journalist

    2004/11/18 at 5:46 am

    those are some long legs!

  • Liz

    2004/11/18 at 5:46 am

    Pretty shoes, pretty baby.

  • Dee

    2004/11/18 at 5:47 am

    I just have to say that I read the linked story and found it very freaky. What if these neighbors are asking people to stay away because they are really terrorists and are plotting something? or worse, making bombs?

    Scary – I’d call the cops just in case

  • PoeticaL

    2004/11/18 at 5:50 am

    Life is good when you have any reason to do a little gig with a baby in your arms. 🙂

  • Heather 2

    2004/11/18 at 5:38 am

    Yay…I think I might be first!

  • Bruce

    2004/11/18 at 5:38 am

    am i first?

  • Sarah

    2004/11/18 at 5:40 am

    ok…omg, Dooce, you are SO Mormon. A Hava Nagila dance would look absolutely nothing like that.
    It’s okay. You’re from Utah. I’ll let it slide.
    I’m no good Jew, but I know my Hava Nagila dance!

    You do look adorable though, and three cheers for pissing off crazy neighbors.

  • ginger

    2004/11/18 at 5:40 am

    Y’all are so cute.

  • Angie

    2004/11/18 at 5:41 am

    That’s a Monty Python ‘funny walk’ if ever I saw one!

    I am sure that neighbourhood parking disputes will be the cause of the end of the world!

  • Sara

    2004/11/18 at 5:41 am

    Geesh, woman! Those legs could reach China if you pointed them in the right direction! (I wish I was tall too.)

  • KS

    2004/11/18 at 5:42 am

    Oh, number 6!

  • Ed Villas

    2004/11/18 at 5:42 am

    What a beautiful figure of street … hehe

  • KS

    2004/11/18 at 5:42 am

    Or 8, whatever.

  • krissy pants

    2004/11/18 at 5:42 am

    Okay Dooce…I cannot associate with someone who has such long and slender legs. You bitch!

  • Chris From Ohio

    2004/11/18 at 5:43 am

    When I was five, our neighbors painted a line on the driveway to show my dad where he couldn’t park. He always made sure to park half an inch across the wrong side of the line. START THE REVOLUTIOOOOON!

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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