An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Let us rejoice and be glad

Dave, Beth’s husband who always ends up with half of his meal on his face and who owned half cow print, half acid wash shorts in college, took this photo of Leta and me doing a Hava Nagila dance in front of the truck I had parked in front of their crazy neighbor’s house. You can’t see it from the perspective of this picture, but those neighbors had taped hand-made signs to the trees in front of their house that said, “DO NOT PARK HERE.” Now, come on. That’s 1) illegal and 2) just plain ornery. And the best way to fight ornery is with ornery.

So I parked RIGHT THERE in front of their trees and celebrated my defiance with a little jig.

  • Am I first? Am I first?!

  • krissy pants

    Also, I am sure Dooce is secure enough with herself to take the comments, opinions, psycho analysis and bitch-slaps we give her.

    If not, she might want to rethink the whole exposing herself to the entire world via the internet.

  • Hil

    Although your Hava Nagila dance reminds me a bit of the Hava Nagila dance that my Catholic relatives did at my Jewish wedding. Fun!

  • henry

    oh…. i take that back. my browser displays numbers. i was being a smart ass about a totally different problem. oops.

  • Please make sure to teach Leta the Hava Nagila dance when she gets older. 🙂

  • I love me some DKNY running shoes. I have an extremely offensive yellow pair from Loehmann’s. I wear them expressly to cheese people off.

    We have neighbors who post the signs saying not to park in front of their house, and we deliberately park in front of their house, too.

  • JJ

    I so want your legs. Both of them.

    Oh and when we are going to see Leta eating the dog’s half-eaten rawhide bone? 🙂

  • Colleen from NJ

    holy freaky neighbor! I think that she’s definitely in need of an intervention with drugs.
    The informal litmus test to determine if a person is suffering from a mental illness as mentioned by faculty at Creighton University Medical School: can you talk about them for more than 15 minutes? Then, yes, you have probably found a truly mentally ill person.
    I have noticed this to be true in my own experience. Try to talk about some normal, healthy person for more than 15 minutes… you run out of things to say.

    So, Dooce, be careful, she’s bananas. Keep the kids AWAY.

    PS. Although she could be useful in discipline in a few years, when your once angelic baby gets that sassy tone up. Then you can say “Change that attitude, young lady, or I’m sending you to live with Crazy Cat Lady.” Sounds mean, but works better than a time out.

  • did the crazy neighbors come out and scream at you?

  • I think the white spot is where their street number is. Am I right, dooce? Beth covers it up in her picture too. Anyway, I used to have a neighbor who put up a huge fence (6 feet) because the kids in our house “looked at their dog too much” and was causing him rage. ::Shrugs:: They let it out to bark at night, and when my mom asked them to please make it stop, the lady snapped “Your children caused Charlie’s rage, so I have to let him get it out.” They moved pretty soon after that.

    I like your shoes, too. And the thumbnail does look like a rooster.

  • mainer

    ok, I gotta say it,
    you are looking REALLY thin.
    are you taking good care of yourself?

  • Brian

    G’mornin from LI.
    wow… now that’s an amazingly awesome story…

    Im sorry that Beth got spooked out, but theres so much fun to be had with neighbors like that. Dooce seems to see it.

    Viva la revolución

  • Heather 2

    For those of you questioning the number thing…this same question came up during comments on a past picture, and apparently some people’s “browsers” actually number each post individually (in addition to it showing the total number of comments at the top). I am not lucky enough to see these additional numbers, so was confused as to why people were able to refer to a specific comment…thinking they were CRAZY to go through and count them out.

  • Helen

    First time commenting…

    I was introduced to your site a week or so ago and have been hooked ever since. I was told you would make me laugh and you do… everyday. So thanks for that.

    I love the fact that you parked there. Doing a jig and taking a picture to capture the moment is even better. My parents street is always packed with cars, making it hard to find a space sometimes. Well, some residents put out traffic cones to stop people parking outside their houses. If ever we can’t find a space I move them. It’s beyond rude for these people to do that, and I always move them while exclaiming loudly just how rude I think it is. My boyfriend sits in the car covering his face in embarrassment.

    The person who said they think Dooce looks like Uma Thurman? I see it! I’ve seen it since the day I first saw her picture. Beautiful woman.

    Um, longer first comment than I intended. Ah well.

  • Mel

    Mo, nice Simpson’s reference.

    Also, I stopped reading after Mo’s response, because all the comments on how cute/skinny/long-legged/tall Heather is started to sound creepy.

    What I like about the pic is the triangle of red shoe, red mailbox flag, red tail-light. That’s what I noticed first.

  • Sheryl

    You can also see the post numbers from the browsers installed on web enabled blackberries and other PDAs.

  • Looks more like a goosestep to me. Which would be appropriate, as they are Parking Nazis.

  • annakay

    i second the goose step comment. our neighbor (a nun of all things) knocked our mailbox off the house and then did a ding-dong doorbell ditch when we parked in front of her house.

  • Screw the neighbors its a free country…well it is Utah and that is a whole different story.

  • yeah and BTW that doesnt look like a Jewish dance it look more like the German Nazi High Step!

  • Oh, people in England just don’t use the word ORNERY enough. I’d almost forgotten about that word entirely.

    I am going to make it my mission to bring ORNERY to the British. And I’ll make sure they don’t say it the way it’s spelled.

    Awwn-ree! That’s just awwnree!

  • Heather 2

    Why do dog feet always smell like Fritos?

  • Siobhan

    Wow, those are crazy neighbors. My friend Kat’s neighbors children shoot at her stepchildren with their .22. And their dad likes to climb on the other neighbors roof at night. We should make Kat’s crazy neighbors live next to Beth’s crazy neighbors and record the melt down for future generations.

  • I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the thumbnail pic was of a rooster!

  • Helen

    Beth, I’ll join you on that mission. I’ll take Wales, you get England. And Scotland since you’re closer to them.

  • kim

    this is where i learn more english vocabulary every day. today’s word of the day: ornery – niedertraechtig. thank you ;o)

  • I saw a rooster too! Ha ha ha!

  • kim

    also – defiance = trotz. ain’t there a place in ohio called defiance? chris from ohio?

  • jes


    I just read the post “CBS Should Make Me Apologize for this Post” written on Monday, February 23, 2004 (see “Boobs” Category).

    Dooce – I am sitting at work, trying to muffle my laughter so it appears that I am working hard, and I laughed until I nearly cried!! Is THIS what I have to look forward to?!?

  • Dog feet do sometimes smell like Fritos. We always said our dog’s feet smelled like basmati rice.

  • Kristine

    This reminds me of Arlo Guthries, “Alices Restuarant”
    You should just sing that in front of the house one day, Really loud.
    “You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant.” and then walk away.
    If TWO people do it…

  • Why are those neighbors so weird? Although I hate having other people park in front of my house – when I come home from work and cannot park where I live . . . but I’ve not put out a sign yet – although I was thinking of putting nails and screws on the road . . ;D

  • Holy shit! Suprisingly I have friends that throw a fit if you park in front of their house. Even if you are visiting THEM. Oddly, they have parking in the back of their house they could use.

    Anyway, the husband left the wife last week. I knew she was a crazy bitch.

  • ya know, reading your current post and all i could think of was,

    “daaaaaamn. party at the armstrong’s!”

  • Megan

    Dude, come on…you’re legs are ridiculous. You’re so cute with your perfect baby and your perfect truck and the perfect fall leaves your perfect LONG SKINNY LEGS that I want to barf. I’ll still come back EVERYDAY…cause I like the torture. But I have to say…you’re ridiculous.

  • Beth: While your at it, bring the word “varmint” to the English too, because “Ornery Varmint” is like tea and biscuits.

  • dooce obsessed

    what happened to your hair?

    (i’m kidding!!… ok. not funny…)

  • Firehog

    The dreaded weevil…Its a bug common in most grain,oatmeal,cornmeal,flour.My mother kept these things in the fridge to keep the weevil from hatching…a little extra crunch in the biscuit.During tour in Nam they were the little brown spots in the bread,we just pretended it was whole grain bread.
    Really enjoy this site.

  • Leon

    I guess goose stepping vengeful moms are more adept at keeping the socks on their kid’s feet.

    You now have photographic proof that you are a good mother.

  • Hello lady with the longest legs EVER. Of course you MUST park in front of the house that illegally says “no parking here”. The guy who owns the huge apartment building acoss the street tried that crap and all of the people in my building fought each other to park there even though we have our own spaces. This is LA, where you can find free and available parking exactly nowhere.

    I loved the Tupperware entry. The only “T” party I’ve ever been to was hosted by Phranc the All American Jewish Lesbian Folk Singer. If you want to have a Tupperware party SHE is the host to have. I would love to see her host a party in Utah. The photos alone would be priceless.

  • Those neighbours sound certifiably insane. “we have to leave our blinds open because the cats like to look out the windows?”

    aren’t streets public? i think you are allowed to park anywhere you like if there aren’t corporation or county council restrictions. by corporation i mean city councils.

    that’s the way it works in ireland anyway.

    how do they know the cats like to and need to look out the windows? do they talk to the cats? further proof that those neighbours are certifiably insane.

    your friend Beth should ignore them. Or wrap her arms around her head and shout “i can’t hear you I can’t hear you” when they are talking to her and spouting such nonsense.

    poor Beth. The dancing was a good idea!

    (Beth doesn’t allow comments from what i could see)

  • chloechasesmom

    My hair fell out like that. I saw that picture and knew right away what it was. My best friend had a neighbor like that, she moved.

    I also just had a Tupperware Party (I am a dork) but it was a taste of tupperware party. You get to make snacks at those.

  • Amanda B.

    Speaking of scary crazy folks…

    I was getting a haircut yesterday at my usual dive when the “beauty shop gossip” hit a new and wholly offensive low.

    The gals in the salon were talking smack, as per usual, about some poor woman having a nanny to help her with her children. So I said, “That Whore!” hoping to lighten the mood a bit.

    One of the women nodded at me and said, and I quote, “Well, you know…she is Asian.”

    Only she was serious. And now my, little present to me- 30 dollar hair cut is tainted with crazy mean poopy talk. Sigh.

    P.S. Dooce you are so purty. And quazi-evil to boot!

  • Leta looks like she’s just ROARING with laughter! What a cute picture of you too.. and the fact that it’s based entirely on pissing someone else off… brilliant. 🙂

    Keep it up! I love driving crazy neighbours crazier! We had a neighbour once who would come out after we shovelled our driveway and literally dig her basement windows and that meter thing out of the snow… she was a crotchety old bitch, so it was funny seeing her dig through 5 foot snow! **evil laugh**

    entry #133
    … it’s all fitting together… somehow.

    for the word freaks:

  • Frito feet! I love it. So true. Of course, I’m referring to your post, not this picture.


  • I can’t get over all these skinny comments. Sweet Christ in a bucket. I’ve seen photos of myself where I look about all of 80 lbs. and some where I have four chins. It’s all in the angle.

  • Stacy

    In defense of the “my cats like to look out the windows” thing, you can always tell when a person has cats because there blinds are pulled up a foot or so from the bottom. If mine are closed all the way, my cat will tear the shit out of them. I think that pretty much normal. Cats have a very distinct way of voicing displeasure.

  • Stacy

    And another thing, am I gross because I went to the vending machine to get fritos because of all the frito comments? It sparked a craving.

  • tracy

    Okay, I have to admit I think it’s thoughtless to park in front of someone else’s house when you don’t have to. But clearly, annoying the psycho neighbors is a case where one has to. I mean, Beth should close her blinds because the crazy neighbors need privacy? WTF?

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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