An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Let us rejoice and be glad

Dave, Beth’s husband who always ends up with half of his meal on his face and who owned half cow print, half acid wash shorts in college, took this photo of Leta and me doing a Hava Nagila dance in front of the truck I had parked in front of their crazy neighbor’s house. You can’t see it from the perspective of this picture, but those neighbors had taped hand-made signs to the trees in front of their house that said, “DO NOT PARK HERE.” Now, come on. That’s 1) illegal and 2) just plain ornery. And the best way to fight ornery is with ornery.

So I parked RIGHT THERE in front of their trees and celebrated my defiance with a little jig.

  • Smiling!

    You have such a pretty smile, Heather!

  • the niffer

    Fish: I always thought it was Varmit. What is a varmit/varmint anyway? I mean, I know the word, but it is a real critter or just a way to describe a critter?

  • Toni

    “Ohhhhhhh! We’re off to see the Wizard. The wonderful Wizard of Oz. because, because, BECAUSE…BECAUSE OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS HE DOES.

  • the niffer

    Thanks Moose! I can think of lots of annoying critters – most of them human.



    J In TO

  • it’s just like those people that put up those signs in their yard for dogs, “don’t poop here” “poop free zone” “if your dog poops please scoop” “dead dogs don’t poop” .. but the thing is, i’ve noticed that those people get MORE poop than other people do.

    love your shoes!

  • … it also looks like you are going to say “OF FRANCE!” while doing the jig.

  • ella’s ma

    I hope you accompanied your little dance with a charming rendition of the Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the UK”. I know it’s not the UK, but a fitting ditty nonetheless.

  • Um, Heather? Girl, we need to talk about the hair. What have you done? I think it’s time for a new Year in the Life of Heather’s Hair photo series. Because if I’m not mistaken, you’re sporting a mohawk. And still you look like a million bucks. Go figure. :o)

  • I just tried doing Hava Nagila with my chihuahua on my lap, and I am sorry to report he did not seem to enjoy it as much as Leta did!

  • Holy fucking shit you are TALL! I have to agree– I do see a Uma Thurman-ness to you in this picture.
    Also, please tell me he (Dave) still has the half-acid-wash-half-cow-print shorts. So that you may post a picture of them on the internet. PLEASE? All this build up about those ridiculous shorts, and if they are anything like the picture I have in my head, well, they deserve to have a whole site devoted just to them.
    Also, fifty-thirding the love for your shoes. Me wantee! Me wantee!
    Your hair falls out when you’re pregnant? Hot boiling diarrhea!

  • Stacy: You’re not gross, but you may be pregnant.

  • Reiko

    I’ve always had thinnish hair, but when I was pregnant, it got thicker and way fuller. Each strand was actually thicker and it seemed like my hair multiplied by like 5 times. And it got wavy!

    Then a bunch of my hair fell out around my hairline while I was nursing (in the front and the back)…but it all grew back after about 3 months after I stopped nursing.

    After 2 kids, my hair is a completely different color, thickness and texture than what I had for the years before. Wild.

  • Chloe, your hair doesn’t fall out when you’re pregnant, it falls out AFTER you are pregnant because, due to hormones, it doesn’t fall out at all WHILE you are pregnant… so you get luxuriantly thick hair while pregnant, then you give birth, the hormones shift, and all hell breaks loose. Really, all hair breaks loose. It all falls out rapidly and you’re left feeling bald (note that I said *feeling* bald — it’s not really that bad) for a while til everything grows back normally. My sympathies, Dooce. Been there. Doesn’t last forever.

  • Wow, woman, you got crazy-long legs!

  • TexChic

    You know, Tupperware won’t keep out weevils if their eggs are already in the flour/rice/etc. when you place it in the container and seal it up. Unbeknownst to most, this is usually how weevils appear. There aren’t many weevils crawling around the neighborhood looking for boxes or bags to infest. Frankly, we just usually use the staple before the eggs hatch… just a little extra protein…

  • Tree

    Heather B. Armstrong…you fucking rock!

  • little bird

    Looks more like the Oompa-Loompa

    Nonetheless…carry on!

  • We call ’em meal moths, but it sounds like the same thing. There’s not really any way to avoid bringing the eggs home in your dry goods, but you can prevent them from hatching by freezing your grain for a few hours, then storing it in an air-tight (weevil-tight) container. Then any existing eggs are killed, and new moths that may turn up can’t get in.

    Fascinating, no? I’ll try to be more entertaining next time.

  • rabooka

    I have a neighbor who also does not want anyone to park their car infront of her house. She doesn’t put up any signs. She just runs out of her house when you pull up and tells you to move your car. That’s right she tells you , not asks. One time she called my landlord’s girlfriend a skinny bitch because she wouldn’t move her car. What a BIATCH!

  • Why isn’t there a ‘Dooce’ Fan club mailing list?
    There could be a ‘newcommer’ post we send out that tells people why why Chuck is into politics, who is George and why would anyone marry someone that wore acid washed underwear. These are things I’ve always wanted to know.
    I would love to talk to other ‘Dooce’ fans.
    by the way…where would you find acid washed underwear? Do they have them in a thong?

  • ……am I first?

  • Melle

    You are just way too cool. haha. I would have done the same just to get them mad. ha!

  • Ok, has anyone mentioned the shoes/boots? love ’em!

  • Sheryl

    I was just in a meeting where we were going to look at PowerPoint templates (!) of our company intranet over webex but the webex session wasn’t connecting … so we just sat on our sphincters and chatted about parking and crazy neighbors and Road Rage, which is a serious problem where I live and work (Boston).

    In the picture, I see your silver SUV and on the other side of the road, part of a big-ass white sedan. OK, being that all things are relative, and that compared to Boston, the width of this residential street is like a 5 LANE HIGHWAY, this makes Beth’s neighbors just that little bit more P.S.Y.C.H.O. Look at all that roooooom they have! I grew up on the west coast and moved to NY in 91 and then to Boston in 97. When I visited SLC and Provo a few years back, I had never seen streets so wide (nor had I ever seen a corporate lobby where the walls were covered with 8×10 glossies of every employee and every family member of every employee). Mr. Young had designated a numbering and block-size system for the streets that was so perfect and orderly that you could give directions to people, estimate their mileage, know if the destination would face southeast – for places you have never even been, just by looking at the address!

    Boston, on the other hand grew out of tiny villages by the sea and the streets were built around each village in a series of concentric circles. The number of villages has and now the streets are a tangled mess resembling the mass that is my blackberry, cell, PDA and laptop cables. Never mind that there aren’t any street signs or numbers on buildings. Brigham Young! Man with a City Plan.

  • Crazy neighbors. I’m glad you parked there. Until they retaliate.

    Maybe they’re praying for your soul.

  • Hmmmmm. I’m pretty sure that the best way to fight ornery is with ornery in all cases. Isn’t that how that whole middle east thing got so bad? (Well, OK, it’s a little more complex but the ornery are my likely to kill the other ornery. Unless the other ornery kill them first.)
    COLLEEN: I *love* that definition of insanity. The gossip’s definition of insanity. The more interesting you are, the more insane you are. Man, that’s America for ya.

  • Kelly

    You are the perfect mother.

  • I would park there & walk home EVERY GOD-DAMNED DAY.

  • The great thing about mixing stool softeners with antidepressants is that you take shits that are surprisingly well-adjusted and generally OK with life even though they are about to be flushed into oblivion.

  • Helen – You’re on! And soon we shall take ORNERY to France!!!!

    Fish – AHH! Varmint! Another great word.

    Most of all, thanks to you Dooce, for helping me to hold on to my good old Southern vernacular. I still make sure I say ‘painthers’ and ‘warsh’ as well. 🙂

  • TheGoat

    Am I the last post for the day?

  • Kellie


  • Heather you are so thin and taller than I thought- tall is good. Loved the dance…
    you look quite happy. 🙂

  • No, I’m last!

    For a few minutes, anyway; it’s sweet, *sweet* while it lasts.

  • TheGoat

    I’m last! said TheGoat, at least for the moment

  • Cori Skinner

    Hey Heather, just wanted to say hello from one of your old fellow panther alumni! Glad to hear you are doing well, you look great, take care of yourself!

  • Thats ridiculous! We have crazy parking Nazi’s here who leave notes on peoples cars, tryin’ to cock block all the time. 1) Public street, 2) unless you plan on gettin’ your natural ass whooped, don’t leave notes on other peoples rides (or anywhere else for that matter!) 3) Public street (dag! I said that already!)

  • Carol

    #182 (Human Writes for those who have no numbers) – Hilarious!!!

    I lost my hair, too, after babies. My youngest is one and a half and I finally had to cut bangs on myself to cover up the beautiful face-framing curly-cues.

  • Flossy

    Very scared by crazy neighbours!

  • Cate

    No, it’s me! *I’m* last, dangit!

    Yep, Salt Lake’s streets are beautifully organized. And then there’s the mountains (Oh, lovely, beautimous mounntains) so you always know what direction you’re headed. Unlike Mesa, Arizona, where the streets are on a lovely grid, but they all have names instead of numbers and there’s no mountains for the land-nav-challenged to orient themselves by. Darn Mesa.

  • krissy pants

    You were last

  • debbie

    i like how you can tell by the curve of her cheeck that little leta is smiling and laughing, too!

  • How in the HELL can anyone tell what Leta is doing…laughing, smiling, crying, she could be doing anything? Are you using a magnifying glass to look at this picture?
    Or are we projecting???? Hmmm?

    I want to think she’s laughing, too. I do, and I’m sure she probably is, because what baby would NOT be laughing if their mama was doing a silly dance up and down the sidewalk while holding her?

  • I don’t think I used enough question marks in that last comment of mine.

    What do you think?

    That was like an ‘of France’ with ???? instead of !!!!

    Oy Vay.

  • Danika

    Beth has to close HER blindds because the OTHER people want privacy. Unreal! Beth should say we don’t close our blinds because our KIDS need to be able to see out and have fresh air coming in. If they like privacy that much they can close their own blinds and too bad for the cats. Please continue to park there and piss them off. They deserve it!

    Love the pic! Want more pictures of you smiling!

  • STLBeth

    oh my goodness. same thing happened with some people that live across the street from my parents. nutshell: a year of calls to police and threats sprinklers turned on open Jeeps and demanding that there be a “parking schedule calendar” culminated with one last act of insanity by crazy neighbor and my sister inches away from whupping the crap out of the woman in the snow in the middle of the street. The lady ended up crying and apologizing and eventually got some happy drugs for her postpartum depression. We still call it Christmas Brawl 2002.

  • wheezer345

    Oh yeah, I’m first. Wait a minute! Oh yeah, the picture. RIGHT ON!!! You tell that lady!!!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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