the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Beer hickey

This is our bud, Shan, who blushes everytime he drinks a sip or two of a beer. That is just too cute. His birthday was yesterday and I forgot to wish him HAPPY NUMBER 30! We love you, Shan. Can’t wait for the wedding.

(Note: I am going to open up comments, but here are today’s rules: 1) If you say ANYTHING about my daughter and her motor development I will delete your comment, and 2) LISTEN TO GOD.)

  • Danielle

    2005/01/26 at 7:53 am

    Happy Belated Birthday, Shan!
    And how exciting for you to have marriage on the horizon.

    Personally, turning 30 and being 30 was and is great.
    Three cheers for the 30’s!

    yes, I’m dorky, I think most of the regular commenters know that by now… so I don’t mind showing my cheesiness.

    By the way, why can’t the show Thirty-something be on TV when I’m interested in it? instead of years ago when I didn’t give a hoot about people in their 30’s? hmmm?
    although, maybe it wasn’t all that.

  • carolina

    2005/01/26 at 8:00 am

    I have a friend who turns bright red like that when she drinks. She was actually the minister at my wedding. Now that I think about it, I think she must have had a little something before the ceremony because she was bright red then…now it’s all making sense =) As for Leta…she rocks! I think she’s just got this whole thing figured out…why walk when everything can be brought to you right…and now that she can sit up…the world is her oyster!

  • Annejelynn

    2005/01/26 at 8:04 am

    Another thing – no more talk from speed pooers! such teasing!?! …tisk, tisk. I know this! I was once a speed pooer – and I totally took for granted the ease in which I poo-pooed. I don’t think my current suffering has ever reached the level of poor Heather, but I can go days without making a brown deposit in the ceramic toiley bank, and continuing in such a state can ruin my week; feeling awful. To talk of speed pooing, to one who knows no such joy, if you’ve never experienced chronic constipation, man, that’s just cruel.

  • kim

    2005/01/27 at 5:04 am

    you know i’m german and even though my english is not bad it’s sometimes not easy to express exactly what i would like to. so that’s why all i’m saying now is: *i’m 100% with tori* and thank you heather for

  • Circus Kelli

    2005/01/27 at 5:01 am

    Heather B. “Dooce” Armstrong,
    An online friend of mine who doesn’t read a lot of online journals directed me to your site some time ago, and I have been a fan ever since.

    I know I only know the part of you that you share with us, and I’m so grateful that you choose to do that.

    Your posts are always full of “LIFE” and emotion and humor.
    I love the way you write.

    Thank you for sharing your life, and your wonderful family with us, Heather.

    You are one of my heros.

  • Kristi

    2005/01/27 at 5:09 am

    You totally rock Heather. Thank you for everything you put into your site. Thank you for the daily laugh, or the occasional tearing up I get from here.

  • Amanda

    2005/01/27 at 4:59 am

    you have such a wonderful website. you write well. you make me laugh. you are pretty. your daughter is adorable. I went through a rotten post partum depression too, but I was too foolishly proud to do anything about it until recently, and my son is 4 years old. Im glad that you are taking care of yourself, and your daughter by getting treatment for your saddness. that is responsible. anyway, Im sorry someone said something that threw you off balance. ignorant criticism is tough, especially if you are emotional. caring people are emotional. Ive never commented before, but wanted to say some nice things to you.

  • kate

    2005/01/27 at 4:48 am

    i just wanted to be one more voice for the positive vote – what you are doing with this site is awesome, and all your trials and pain and foibles are what make you human and that’s normal. those wackos who hate you can suck it indeed.

  • Sarah

    2005/01/27 at 4:45 am

    Wow. I am number 439, unless someone posts before I hit ‘post’!

    That entry was very well-said, Heather. And from the looks of this comment page (so glad you enjoy what has been created here most of the time), well…you are so very loved and appreciated.

    You put into words what a lot of people feel, and you do it with humor and a cutting edge REALNESS that I can immediately relate to. That is a gift. Thank you for sharing it.

  • Tori

    2005/01/27 at 4:41 am

    To Heather “this is my website” B. Armstrong,
    You rock, don’t you go changin. I wish my mother had the sensibilities to record those early times for me, instead of just drinking Early Times, heh heh. No, really, I am fine. Ahem, anyway…….. ALL YOU PUNKS NEED TO QUIT SIPPIN ON HATERADE, GET OFF YOUR HUFFY BIKES AND ENJOY THAT WHICH IS DOOCE. Thank you for letting me peek into your life every day, and sharing in the joys of REAL love, life and family. Stay classy.

  • Jenie

    2005/01/27 at 4:41 am

    I’m not even going to try and read the 200 comments that have been left since I left work last night. I just wanted to echo what I’m sure everyone has already said…We love you Heather!

  • Marie

    2005/01/27 at 4:24 am

    Ancient Toltec wisdom: the ability to communicate with words is a gift given only to humans in this world. It is magic. Through our own choices, we can create black magic or we can create white magic with our words and our actions toward others.

    These haters, they spew black magic. They misunderstand the power of their words and they misuse the magic gift they have been given. You do not have to absorb it, you do not have to accept it. It is nothing more than black magic, and no one suffers more than the person who is attempting to cast it on others.

    Keep spreading your white magic, Dooce. You truly have a gift.


  • Michelle Brady

    2005/01/27 at 4:15 am

    Oh! I just figured out how to bold!

    Asterisk word asterisk!

    *Flails* “Look what I can do!”

  • 01234

    2005/01/27 at 4:21 am

    I would like to suggest one more item for your list of reasons to blog. It’s about doing something with an excess of energy, _aka_ blowing off steam, finding a creative outlet. It’s about redirecting energy.

    I would have thought that having a child, a husband and a house with a big front porch would demand life-sapping amounts of energy, but the opposite seems true in your case. You’re a lil ol’ fusion reactor, pulling energy from somewhere and putting it to work. So much energy that there’s some left over. What you usually do is redirect it back into the grid, by blogging. Just look at the way this board lights up when you post. Bling! Bling! Snap! Crackle! Pop! The SLC MEB will be wondering what’s going on.

    But it’s clear now that this board is also something you draw energy from. Good energy, bad energy, whatever juju is out there. I may be wrong here, but it looks like bad energy makes you do good things. You take the bad with the good, and some of the painful bits turns into excellent posts that are not at all sappy. But it also drives you into overload, and you feel compelled to shut down for a while. Yes, it’s a sappy analogy, but that’s what it looks like from here.

    I might be wrong here too, but it looks like haters and trolls have a part in the mix. I think it’s helpful to keep two things in mind. One is that people use their best techniques to communicate. We all struggle to get our thoughts and feelings across. Sometimes sarcasm and spite are the only available options. If you’ve ever been spitting angry or hopping mad, you’ll know what I mean. Those people are doing the best they can, bless ’em. Two, if someone is angry, and wants you to be angry, give ’em what they want. It’s not going to change your nature, it’s not going to disrupt the blog, and if today’s post is any indication, it prompts you to the creme de la steam, the exceptional blowing off, the occasional rant that puts everything into sharper perspective. From here, it looks like part of the reason for doing what you do, feeding some of that energy back where it comes from, using it to do stuff.

    You’re a marvel of technology, you are. Even Jesus would be envious. Producing energy from nowhere, turning sour grapes into wine, feeding the hungry, healing the sick and doing it all _in real time_. Jesus has to be thinking that if daddy had any sense, he’d have produced a daughter, not a son. Like Dan Hicks says, Jesus can’t even sing!

    But you can.

  • Michelle Brady

    2005/01/27 at 4:13 am

    Teehee… I just spent an hour and 15 minutes reading over EVERY SINGLE COMMENT from yesterday. And then, when I was done, I refreshed to see if a new picture was up because, you know, I’m lame and was holding out the hope that perhaps, just perhaps… I could be one of the first.

    But no. Perhaps I’m just the last.

    I have found so many ass-kicking blogs to read through these comments. Everyone who comes here touches someone else’s life, and I think that’s really smurfy.

    I think you’re all great. Except for you, Kano. Your comment (#133) was a downer. I suppose that doesn’t preclude you being a good person. *snicker*

  • Clautje

    2005/01/27 at 4:10 am

    Just a small comment.. I normally just read your blog and look at your daily picture.. always ending up with a grin, a smirk a tear or a sigh..

    But today I felt compelled to let you know that in my opinion.. you are a sweetheart.. your Jon is a wonderful man and your Leta rocks.. big time..
    and for those that feel the urge to send you hate mail.. the word “jealousy” comes to mind..

    Let’s just call this my attempt to let you know that the handful of “ignorant jerks” is largely outnumbered by us very appreciative lurkers..

    with love,

  • Jay

    2005/01/27 at 4:10 am

    i’ve been reading your blog for about two months. i have shared many an entry with new moms and everyone has gotten something beneficial from your rantings. your genius, witty, insightful, catty, brash and sometimes crude blog is the best thing i have ever read. (and the pictures are too die for- esp the ones of leta & chuck)- i look forward to my daily dose of to keep the demons at bay. thanks for the sharing- jon, leta & chuck are very lucky.

  • shana

    2005/01/27 at 3:32 am

    Hi Heather,
    Just peeking out of my lurking spot to add my voice to the “you are awesome” side of the equation. Leta is beautiful and I hope that someday I can have a family as wonderful as yours.

    PS. Asian flush is totally fucking true. I live in Japan where they all drink like fish and every single one of them turns red as a bottle of Campari.

  • JayJay

    2005/01/27 at 4:04 am

    I’ve been a reader of yours for several months now and have caught the occasional comment or your reference to a comment about your daughter. Listen, I’m a clinical social worker and have a significant amount of training in child development. DO NOT LISTEN to these douche bags. If anything, take solace in knowing that these untoward posters are going to be seeing me in a few years when they aren’t able to manage their own children (a la Nanny 911). Give em’ hell Heather and keeping making us laugh, because you’re damn good at it.

  • Muffin

    2005/01/27 at 3:05 am

    I was touched by your entry in re hateful comments. I work in a business where people do not like me. I have to remind myself that in my line of business “I am not here to make friends”. I have been called the devil, declared to be “void of the milk of human kindness” and even had a woman throw grave dirt on me with a nice voodoo spell to boot. (I sent people to prison). Diaryland became my sanctuary for sanity. It helped me see their are actually people in the world that “ain’t so bad”, have a sense of humor, and appreciate life, even if it’s sucks at times. As tough as I can be in my profession, it is like a gab to the gut to have someone attack your personal side. YOu expose yourself and that is what I get? I would have stayed at work if I wanted that?! Love your photos.

  • girl

    2005/01/27 at 3:00 am

    damn. people really say shit about your daughter on here? I just don’t understand what makes a person so bitter and vile that they talk shit about another person’s child just for spite.

    anyway, love the site and the pictures. rock on.

  • susu

    2005/01/27 at 2:47 am

    Take it like that: youre a rockstar with a hellota groupies and fans, and with them come the jealous ones that want to be as big as you and they cant be.. so they try to push you off your throne. But you know what? You cant be pushed off, you rock alright. Thats all I wanted to say.

  • kelc_in_OZ

    2005/01/27 at 12:11 am


    I have been reading your site everyday for over a year now.

    Please know that for every hate mail that you get there are hundreds more of us who appreciate and love you.

  • Dabbler

    2005/01/27 at 1:04 am

    Which god? After all, we are a pluralistic blogging community.

  • Lisey

    2005/01/27 at 1:10 am

    ..probably just hundreds of us in Australia alone, Kelc!

    Your whole family kick butt, for Leta’s 21st can we have some HUGE Dooce ‘n’ Friends partae..thats always the right time to pull out the baby photos anyway, right?

    big love to all…all except those suckified haters who can go eat “Brown Sharks!”

  • Becky

    2005/01/27 at 2:12 am

    Your main post was amazing. It seems to exemplify a saying that was once told to me by a fire captain I knew, though I don’t know the author.

    “Mettle, as metal, is best tested under stress.”

    Yours is being tested, and also being proven to be of extremely high quality and superior strength! Love to you and yours!

  • Ms.Chievous

    2005/01/26 at 11:20 pm


  • gadgetgirl

    2005/01/26 at 11:32 pm

    Long time reader, first time poster here.
    I’ve been a big fan of your page for a while now and I just have to chime in here. There are a LOT of blogs out there, but only a few that get read by so many people so regularly. And do you know why people keep comin’ back? Cuz you ROCK woman. Leta is lucky to have such a strong, gracious, supportive Mom who takes it all with a grand sense of humour.

    And as for the people who dis your friend, I’d like to see their kids! They are probably smoking crack in alley somewhere. So there! Big hugs to your friend.


  • Tina

    2005/01/26 at 11:02 pm

    Hurray I am last. Come on dooce, admit it you already get money from Nikon to promote the D70! Nice picture, poor guy! (And, yes I did buy the D70 and yes it had something to do with your pictures! Great camera!)

  • Beth

    2005/01/26 at 10:44 pm

    You go, girl! Keep on rockin’ in the free world!

  • Mrs.Strizzay

    2005/01/26 at 10:19 pm

    Holy long posts Batman

  • Heidimk81

    2005/01/26 at 10:39 pm

    Heather, we love you and God loves you! Always keep that in mind.

  • Jenny Mahler

    2005/01/26 at 9:48 pm

    Wow, 415 comments? Somehow I know you’ll still read them all – I would. 🙂

    I just want to repeat what everyone else is saying: WE LOVE YOU. There are haters of everything. People who hate god. People who hate light. People who hate happy people. For god’s sake, there are even People who hate Cheese!! It’s hard to believe it, but they are out there, and THEY are unhappy. They have this unhappy hate energy surrounding them, so that is all they know how to put off.

    We all unfortunately get a smear of this bad energy every now and then. It sucks, but just remember, IT SUCKS MORE TO BE THEM.

    You ARE LOVED. You are appreciated, and you are enjoyed. The people who know you personally (not just from reading your site) are very very lucky people indeed.

    Who knows? Maybe someday I’ll get to be one of them.

    Best wishes,


  • Angie B

    2005/01/26 at 9:40 pm

    Heather,thanks for closing the comments last night. I was afraid things were about to get very ugly.After reading a’s comment I know I was sitting there with my jaw on the floor, trying to gather my senses and calm the rage to respond to this freaking asswipe!I’m sure things would have gotten out of contol very quickly.I can’t begin to understand why someone would want to hurt you with a comment like that.Please,Please don’t let that low-life motherfucking degenerate sack of monkey shit bring you down or make you feel inadequate in any way!I hope you’ve been doing this blgging thing long enough now that maybe you’ve gotten a little think-skinned toward these insensitive fuckers.But I know where your children are concerned anything negative is always hurtful, no matter the source.It’s just a sad fact of life that we have to share this planet with some really stupid,evil people.
    I so enjoy stopping by here every day–your writing,your wit and humor–they’re the BEST!And I get to see a fine photo too! You bring alot of happiness to alot of people and I hope any negatives of blogging are outweighed by the positives.I’m always afraid some of this negative bullshit will send you packing and I can’t tell you how disappointed I (and many others) would be if you left us again–your audience needs you!Thank you for keeping it real! You’re one sexy,sassy,authentic,talented and happening woman!ROCK…THE FUCK…ON!

  • Fran

    2005/01/26 at 9:38 pm

    Oh, yes, my comment. You go, girl!

    I think you are a brave, audacious, groundbreaker making the world a safer place for work poopers, new mothers, and a whole host of marginalized people by talking about things people wouldn’t ever talk about in “mixed company.” And yet, you’re just the girl next door…well, not next door to me. But down to earth.

    Hey, people, don’t be hating. Be thankful. I can now talk to my mom openly about poop thanks to Heather’s website. Mom and I are so much closer now. Taking the stigma out of poop, constipation, reconvening the procedure, mental illness, etc.

  • Fran

    2005/01/26 at 9:23 pm

    411 comments…see what happens when you wait until 1:23 am Eastern time to click on

    What was my comment anyway?

  • Amy

    2005/01/26 at 9:00 pm

    Glad to know it was a good one. And thanks for mentioning whose hands those are..I was actually wondering. I think they are beautiful! And so is the ring. I’m sure your fiance is quite beautiful too!

    I was thinking that if they were *Heather’s* hands, that’s a nice kind of photo for Leta to have when she is older.
    Hands can say so much, sometimes. I’ve always loved my mother’s hands ..they are enhanced by her own Mother’s beautiful engagement ring from the 30s, they know how to expertly hold babies, and they held my smaller and less angular hands comfortingly when my grandmother died.
    (That was for Heather and no one else really…but I’m glad if it makes people think nice things about loved ones..)

    Take Care Everyone,

    *My hands are small I know…but they’re not yours they are my own….

    In the end, only kindness matters*

  • Anne A.

    2005/01/26 at 9:17 pm

    Coming out of lurkdom to say… as a proud Dooceling (#4827634, apparently!)… EFF those haters! Love ya, Heather B.!!!!!

  • krissy pants

    2005/01/26 at 8:56 pm

    I thought for sure the B stood for Blanche. Either that or Buffy.

  • Erin

    2005/01/26 at 8:25 pm

    Heather you, your parenting and you writing all rock! Anyone who says anything nasty about you is lame. End of story 🙂

  • different kim

    2005/01/26 at 8:48 pm

    Heather Brooke- We love you. I want to beat up your haters and they better watch their backs!

  • krissy pants

    2005/01/26 at 8:37 pm

    I just read DoulaBrooke’s comment about her sister googling her own name (Heather) which is how she discovered Dooce. Very Cool!

    I tried it and indeed Dooce is the the first result for “Heather”. Next, I tried it with my own name, “Kristen” and the first result did not disappoint.

    I encourage everyone to check out the Kristen Archives.

  • ladymidori

    2005/01/26 at 8:39 pm

    thank you. thank you for being honest. for not giving up. for being leta’s mom. for being johns wife. for being a Blog Goddess. for finding the humor while working with the down times. thank you for letting others share in YOUR life. a very wonderful gift indeed.

    and yes ALL THE HATERS CAN JUST SUCK IT!! my new mantra in life 🙂 thanks

    and all the haters just prove that god has a sense of humor and was running low in IQ points on some days.

    idiots..making me feel just a little bit smarter and a lot better then them every damn day

  • The Song Lionel Wrote For Kenny: "Lady"

    2005/01/26 at 1:11 pm

    In 1980 Kenny wanted to do a soul album and was hoping to get some famous R&B groups to back him up. One night between shows in Las Vegas, Bob Smith – the Riviera’s stage manager – came to the dressing room and told me that Lionel Richie and The Commodores were downstairs and wanted to see Kenny. I brought them up and they told Kenny they were his biggest fans. Lionel had written a song for Kenny and wanted to play it for him. Kenny said he’d love to hear it and Lionel walked over to the piano. It was a magical moment. The song was “Lady” and the rest is history. “Lady” was on Kenny’s Greatest Hits without having been on any other album. This set a precedent in country music which everyone has since copied. — Garth Shaw

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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