the smell of my desperation has become a stench

By the look on her face I don’t think she appreciated being photographed by a mere civilian

  • god

    2005/01/27 at 10:16 am

    Oi! GOD (like all shouty & jack), this is god (like all laid back & subtle) So like Jesus saves at Savbar or summat? Wor? Try some ethical banking for once!

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 10:16 am

    NO, You’re the Poseur

    WOW what a creative nickname! you must be edumacted with that….shit Im about to smack some bitches in this house.

  • Beth

    2005/01/27 at 10:14 am

    Hang in there Heather. Love your post, visit everyday stealing time from the company. HA

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 10:15 am

    CAT im sorry…LOVE YOU – SMOOCHES!

  • NO, You're the Poseur

    2005/01/27 at 10:15 am

    GOD – you must be new here.

    Uppercase GOD is the only and true original god poster. M’kay? That’s the way it is and always will be.

  • Cate

    2005/01/27 at 10:15 am

    Ummm, why can’t both GODs be GOD? Can we not, here at dooce if nowhere else, practice a little polytheism in the face of an overwhelmingly monotheistic society? GOD and Uppercase GOD – I love and worship you both!

  • U.B.

    2005/01/27 at 10:16 am


    Why is it mean-spirited to ask what the Berenstein Bears (obviously a semitic family of omnivores) has to do with the BYU mag?

    Is there some obvious connection? Am I too far removed from my Mormon-ness to see it? Don’t you hate people that write messages composed only of questions?!

  • Mrs.Strizzay

    2005/01/27 at 10:13 am

    Know whats sad? Working at a fast food place in high school and getting all excited when some anchors would come in, and then realizing that Jackie is like 6 foot 3 with a huge head.

  • Mrs.Strizzay

    2005/01/27 at 10:11 am

    That lady has enough energy to move mountains. Looks like she is taking abid for you job God. Better watch your back.

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 10:13 am

    I got love for everyone…but not uppercase god – he is a bloody rag bag

  • cat

    2005/01/27 at 10:13 am

    God fucking called me a biatch! I am so screwed.

  • Tami

    2005/01/27 at 10:11 am

    Really, how does one post after GOD?

    Anyway, I’m known by my co-workers as the girl that pisses off anchorwomen. I’ve had three of them from three seperate local newsrooms scream at me at work. Michelle King looks like she could be a real bitch!

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 10:11 am

    Yo Cat spelling is for mortals.

    Im GOD if I say spell it a certain way then you spell it that way Biatch!@

  • Kim

    2005/01/27 at 10:11 am

    Dear “person”:

    You claim that Heather “spreads hate” and “that is not good in God’s eyes.”

    Two things to consider.

    The first is a little reference from the Bible about not pointing out the mite in your brother’s eye before removing the beam from your own.

    The second is, the only way to know for certain that this site spreads hate would be if you were God yourself. If you’re claiming to be God, that seems quite a beam in your eye.

    I’ve seen far more evidence of accusatory, hypercritical people making accusations in the name of Jesus being the ones to “spread hate” than I’ve seen here, personally. But that’s just me.

    As you all were.

  • TulsaOkie

    2005/01/27 at 10:11 am


    That was a wonderful heartfelt post! Once more I love your writing style, and we (the internet) are privileged that you let us read about your life so candidly. Thanks for leaving the comments open too, they keep me laughing all day long.

    Head-up pretty lady.

  • cat

    2005/01/27 at 10:10 am

    C’mon GOD. You of all, uh, beings should know it’s “poseurs.” Sheesh.

    That is all.

  • Mrs.Strizzay

    2005/01/27 at 10:05 am

    Umm *God*

    I have PLAQUE already no matter how much I floss.

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 10:06 am

    Oh and Uppercase GOD, DOOCE didnt refer to the UPPERCASE PART..she said GOD and thats me…so back off or ill take you on like Rabbit did in 8 mile!

  • person?

    2005/01/27 at 10:07 am

    Come on, Person had a point. The Berenstain Bears comment was a tad mean-spirited, but truthfully it was the commenters who got a little crazy with the ugly factor.

  • jules

    2005/01/27 at 10:08 am

    1. I’ve been sneezing all day today.

    2. I’m a bit gassy.

    3. I had Wendy’s for lunch.

    4. I can’t stop saying “SUCK IT” under my breath to everyone at work.

    Thank you.

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 10:05 am

    Yo Uppercase GOD bitch…first off it wasnt a type…plaque is some serious shit and can lead to gingervitis…yeah WHAT!

    Secondly the real GOD dont need some Uppercase in front of his name, you got me bitch?

    YEah so if you dont like it how about I let some plaque and tooth decay loose on your nappy ass!

    Dont piss me off mofo cause i dont got patience for posers!

  • Girl.A

    2005/01/27 at 10:04 am

    Fish & Carol,
    Some people like getting a nice fat Black Mamba, umm, let loose in their, umm, camper.

  • me

    2005/01/27 at 10:05 am

    “Many Pennies for Your Thoughts
    Be rewarded for your reminiscences. Share a BYU memory with BYU Magazine; if we publish it in First Person, we’ll pay you $50.”
    Found on the web site. There you go Heather, Knock yourself out!

  • U.B.

    2005/01/27 at 10:04 am

    Wow, Jenn, go boil that finger (maybe the prostate was enlarged and cranky?).

    I’m pretty sure my folks helped The Borg in the phallic LDS Church office building keep track of me while I was moving. I don’t mind them checking in as long as they can still take ‘no’ for an answer.

    But, it is sadly amusing when they hear that I’m doing okay without the church and look all disappointed…

  • Coelecanth

    2005/01/27 at 10:04 am

    I believe that the book the Berenstain Bear lady is holding is “Where the Wild Things Are.” Uhmm, am I missing something? I thought BYU was where the wild things strictly weren’t.

  • Evander

    2005/01/27 at 10:03 am

    Several years ago there was a similar dog incident here in Atlanta. Can’t remember the type of dogs and specifics so I’ll describe as such: Dog A was being attacked. Dog B was off-leash and its owner was doing nothing to stop it. Dog A’s owner gave a fierce right hook to Dog B.
    That stopped the fight…at least between the two dogs! I think I remember that Dog B’s owner then wanted to press charges.

  • Michelle Brady

    2005/01/27 at 10:01 am

    #215 (Sarah)

    Do you mean to tell me that it’s a good idea to give a snarling, biting dog a POOKA?


    That’s very Steve Irwin, don’t you think? “Right! Let me stick my finger up this heah angry mutt’s rump! He’ll be surprised and stop fighting! Crikey!”

  • Clint

    2005/01/27 at 10:00 am

    It’s wierd how you get so many comments in a row, and then they begin to lose all meaning in relation to the posts and pictures…

    Kind of like that “telephone” game that we all played in grade school where you pass the word or sentence around the circle to see how distorted it could become.

    Anyway- I think you’re all wrong about the picture. The look on her face is saying, “My head is about to be attached to a photo involving a porn model and a farm animal in a compromising position and posted all over the internet.”

  • Uppercase GOD

    2005/01/27 at 10:00 am




  • Melanie S.

    2005/01/27 at 9:58 am

    Whiskey shots on God!

    Don’t sweat the assholes, Heather. If they had something so important to say, they should start their own fucking blogs and bore their friends and family.

    Don’t read it if you don’t like it.

  • Carol

    2005/01/27 at 9:57 am

    release the plaque? Bwahahahhaah!

  • girl in sf

    2005/01/27 at 9:57 am

    Bess said at 08:56AM, 01.27.2005:
    “morning cup of dooce”
    Would make a great coffee mug for my desk…since that’s what I’m doing instead of work!

    one, please. b/c this is the one blog i definitely read everyday. i get to work, get my coffee, and read dooce. if there’s any work to do, i try to get it out of the way quickly so i can really enjoy the posts and comments. i rarely comment, but Heather, i love this site and it really adds to my day. thanks.

  • Cora's mommy

    2005/01/27 at 9:56 am

    Dooce, as a fellow depression sufferer, I just wanted to let you know that everything you have written here, I have experienced too. It’s nice to know you aren’t alone. Being a Mom is the hardest job I have ever had…having to deal with all the emotions that go along with it, emotions I never knew were there. It makes me mad that people say things to you that make you upset. I don’t know what is wrong with the world. Please keep this site going exactly how it is now, you are really awesome..Thanks for making me laugh, smile, cry everyday! BTW, I keep getting a hang-up coming from a Utah number right around supper time…it isn’t you is it? LOL…you are the only person I “know” in Utah. Peace! Sara

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 9:54 am

    Yo I gotta speak up again…anyone that has nothing better to do then take a BLOG seriously and actually get all pissy missy is a loser! and that is GOD saying it! This is jsut an outlet for one woman to speak her mind, you dont like it get the fuck off the page and type in like or something.

    DAMN Im about to release the plaque or something if you people dont relax a bit!

    WHY the hell did I create Whiskey if you people aint gonna use it!

  • Fish

    2005/01/27 at 9:54 am

    Carol: can’t send Boss Tanaka in after him. O-ren Ishii took care of that one.

  • Cassie

    2005/01/27 at 9:54 am

    Oh my gosh…the testimony part. I actually feel guilty for laughing so loud my “wonderful roommates” can hear me.

  • Annejelynn

    2005/01/27 at 9:53 am

    At “Super Saturdays” — a montly torture event for midwestern LDS adolescents — we always had a dance for TMBG “Particle Man.”

  • 01234

    2005/01/27 at 9:53 am

    _THE MORMONS will always find you._

    Heh. The Sunday Conversion Troops _stopped_ finding me after I invited them to help me spray-paint, applique, and otherwise decorate a pair of high-tops. They were polite, but refused to take part. So I sat there with my paint and beads, and ran a monologue about how good it was to take lots of psychedelic drugs, because it had freed my mind up from trivial details like getting my tie right and shit like that.

    They never came back.

  • Cathi

    2005/01/27 at 9:51 am

    Before reading the liner notes, I always sang, “Barnacle man, barnacle man.”

  • Annejelynn

    2005/01/27 at 9:51 am

    Joel? Can I see the cutest baby boy ever?

  • coffeegirl

    2005/01/27 at 9:53 am

    /me passes antibacterial wipe to Jenn and says ‘Please wipe your finger off so you don’t spread any of that hate, honey.’

  • GOD

    2005/01/27 at 9:50 am

    Ok im back from dropping the Deuce. I gotta say thanks to Olene Walker..when I saw her pic i nearly shit myself. That lady looks like a Muppet, like an evil Muppet Jim Henson made when he was tripping on LSD and was all angry and shit. Man whoever created that beast should be beaten! Oh wait that was me….

    Yeah and on the topic of CRAP Air SUpply, Barry Manilow and Kenny rogers equal CRAP! Except Kennys song the gambler..I love that shit! YOu gotta know what to hold them know when to fold them know when to walk away know when to run! MAN i created a talelted muthfucka with that nigga…plus he makes some damn good chicken!

    You want music? You want to know what GOd listens to?

    THis is GOD’s top 10 band/singer list!

    10 – Grateful Dead (for when Im stoned)
    9 – U2(Love them Irish)
    8 – NWA
    7 – Notorious BIG
    6 – Korn
    5 – Rage Against the Machine
    4 – NAS
    3 – Led Zepplin
    2 – Bob Marley
    1 – Beastie Boys

    YEAH and thats the bottom line cause GOD says so!

    BEat that BIathces its GOD!

  • Kupferkopf

    2005/01/27 at 9:49 am

    Jenn – you rock!

    And now, for a little TMBG:

    Particle man, particle man
    Doing the things a particle can
    What’s he like? It’s not important
    Particle man

    Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
    When he’s underwater does he get wet?
    Or does the water get him instead?
    Nobody knows, Particle man

    Triangle man, Triangle man
    Triangle man hates particle man
    They have a fight, Triangle wins
    Triangle man

    Universe man, Universe man
    Size of the entire universe man
    Usually kind to smaller man
    Universe man

    He’s got a watch with a minute hand,
    Millenium hand and an eon hand
    When they meet it’s a happy land
    Powerful man, universe man

    *Person* man, person man
    Hit on the head with a frying pan
    Lives his life in a garbage can
    Person man

    Is he depressed or is he a mess?
    Does he feel totally worthless?
    Who came up with person man?
    Degraded man, person man

    Triangle man, triangle man
    Triangle man hates person man
    They have a fight, triangle wins
    Triangle man

  • Annejelynn

    2005/01/27 at 9:49 am

    Just last Tues., over OMG-so-good BBQ nachoes, my lil’ uncle who has mild cerebral palsy asked me when I last heard from my won’t-*@#!?*-quit-calling-home-teachers.

    “Last week.”

    He asked me if I have ever thought of formally “resigning” my membership. I told him, laughing, that I had, but that I won’t bother until the rest of my grandparents die (wouldn’t want to bring on any strokes or heart attacks myself). Unfortunately, he took me very seriously and has asked that I help him write to the church to get him of their records. Help!

  • Joel Cohen

    2005/01/27 at 9:47 am

    Dooce – You’ve always done great work, whether it’s with this site or with raising Leta. She’s a little cutie! Maybe she’d like a boyfriend – my son Ben
    email me for login/password if you want to see the CUTEST little boy EVAR!!11

  • michelle

    2005/01/27 at 9:48 am

    i’m so not first.

    heather. girl. not only have you been the introducer of friends to people, you have also coined so many drunken phrases. last week’s very abused phrase … “Chuck is writing checks his body can’t cash.” that sentence is incredibly funny when you’re drunk. trust me. so add that to the list of things to be proud of!

  • 80

    2005/01/27 at 9:47 am

    THE MORMONS will always find you. My dad sics them on me every time I move. Ugh.

  • Big Gay Sam

    2005/01/27 at 9:45 am

    the absolute epitomy of cowardice, ignorance and stupidity:

    anonymous hate comments.

    The best response is no response. don’t get them a platform. Just delete, ban and move on. Life is too short to give people like this the satisfaction of a reaction or response.

  • Sammi

    2005/01/27 at 9:45 am

    “Person” –
    Why are you here? Seriously, please answer this question, and be honest. I would like to know.

  • Annejelynn

    2005/01/27 at 9:41 am

    Fish – I think I have just ruined my 3rd keyboard. LOL

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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