the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I always feel like somebody’s watching me

Yesterday we received a BYU Alumni magazine in the mail with a picture of Utah’s previous governor, Olene Walker, on the cover. Please, please click on her name so that you can see her lovely mug and bask in its heavenly glory.

We don’t know how BYU found our address, but I have my suspicions, and those suspicions have AVON WORLD SALES LEADER written all over them. I also found out that my name is on the roster in the local Mormon ward. They found me when I moved to LA, and now they’ve found me again, and they will find me no matter how far I run. Their master plan is to seize my ovaries to produce hundreds of little Mormon droids, but I’m not handing them over. Unless someone shows up to my door with a huge pan of potato casserole AND THEN I JUST MIGHT THINK TWICE.

I left the BYU magazine on the floor where it landed when the mailman shoved it through the mail slot in the side of our house. I figured Jon and I could sit down together and read it and be overcome with the spirit of the Lord and hold each other because I want to bear my testimony that BYU is true and I am so thankful for the wonderful roommates the Lord has blessed me with, I wouldn’t have been able to get through this semester without the scriptures and, oops, sorry. Mormon acid flashback.

Jon was leaving for work this morning when he saw the magazine on the floor and he asked, “What the hell is The Berenstain Bear doing on the cover of BYU magazine?”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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