An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation
  • lmao, I *did* give birth 4 years ago today. Makes me drunk with love. That and I am a dork.

  • He bought me ice cream he bought me cake
    He brought me home with a belly ache
    Momma Momma I’m so sick
    Call the doctor…

  • erica

    here in massachusetts we had a guy run for public office named Dick Swett.

    there was a story that went along with him. they thought he won, and it was announced that he won, but when all the votes finally came in, he lost.

    so just a few weeks later, the same sort of thing happened to the boys’ track team at my high school. the scoring had been done incorrectly, so in actuality they lost a very important meet.

    the first line of the article about it in the wakefield daily item the next day:

    “The WHS boys’ track team sure knows how Dick Swett feels.”

    Well. I bet they do.

  • Cathi

    My husband and I wouldn’t share the name we chose before our daughter was born. We made up names to tell people who asked. These include “Goliath” for a boy, “Ms. Pacman” for a girl (both suggested by a friend), Nunya (as in Nunya Business), and Ruthora (after grandmothers Ruth and Thora, which was funny till one of grandma’s friends took me seriously and told me it was a beautiful name).

  • I had a doctor called Dr. Bloodgood
    Another doctor called Dr. Yow

    And there is a Colonial Ice Cream Shoppe/Family Restaurant in town where only some of the letters work. The first part of the sign constantly flickers and blinks.

    We call it the spaztic Colon.

  • My Dad was always telling me about his friend growing up named Robert Sled…. Bob Sled

  • Yes, HBS (Mrs. Striz), I’ve noticed a slur in your typing today. Have you been hanging out with DeVodka?

  • Charlotte

    My hometown celebrates Toadsuck Daze. Yeah, it’s spelled that way too. That toad-sucking must have made for a good trip.

  • I fucked that all up derrrrrrrrr

    Chickeeeeen

  • Do you even read these comments? I mean, on any given day there are hundreds of them. I get really excited when I see that I have five comments in my livejournal. “woah,” I thought, “I’m getting so famous…I need to leave livejournal and switch to blogger…and cash in on the adsense!” well I’ve only made about $5 so far, which means I haven’t made anything, which means I can’t donate those earnings to charity. Oh Dooce, help me achieve fame!

  • Must…go…do something…productive…

  • Drick Trickle went to the Ho Carnival one Saturday afternoon. It wasn’t long before he ran into his old dentis Chastity, his old high school girldriend, Of Montreal!!!.

    They had HOT ORAL SEX until the local dentist, Dr.carver happened upon them. He went straight to the local judge, Ms. Velveeta (yes, like the cheese) who banished them immediatly from the mormon loving state of Utah to the back woods breeding grounds of Sugar Tit……..

  • Jessica Rabbit: HAAAAA!

  • You are… John YaYa. And you… John Smallberries.

  • There is a mall in my town and since we were kids there has been a little booth called,

    “Jim’s Nut Shack”

    And I still smile EVERY TIME I think of my redheaded brother Charlie going into asthmatic convulsive laughter, saying,

    “Hey! It’s Jims Nut SACK!”

  • AND (last one I swear) In downtown Chicago there is a store called Shoes Fo Less. No R in the sign, its a big handpainted sign with black letters, Fo less.

  • Ah, naps. My daughter went to one nap almost IMMEDIATELY (like, only a few months old) and then at around 2 I had to cut out the nap ENTIRELY! If she fell asleep for even TWO minutes, she would be up really, really late that night. I used to have to yell and try to make her laugh when we had to be in the car so that she *wouldn’t* sleep.

    I love some of the wacky names you hear, and you guys are all posting some hilarious ones!

  • Dick Trickle. heh

  • Evil Stepmother: I think it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like if my aunt had been named Leah instead of Bertha she’d have been thin. THE CURSE OF BERTHA!

    Dorks, squared: Navigator is manly name. Like Terminator. But Focus would suck ass.

  • KellyH

    At the little strip-mall like place where I used to work, there is a Shoe Carnival. One night while leaving, my friend and I noticed the “s” and “e” were burned out. We still call that store Ho Carnival.

    Spaeking of weird town names, there’s a teeny little place here in SC called Sugar Tit.

  • Growing up my last name was Casper, yes like the ghost because I was asked that ten million times. And kids would sing that stupid Casper the friendly ghost song and my mom comes back with ” Well tell them you would rather be a friendy ghost than Oscar the Grouch.”
    Oh yeah, that wouldnt of gotten my ass kicked, not at all.

  • Jen

    Every parent I know has done the drive-the-kid-around-until-they-pass-out trick. No shame in that.

    Hell, my parents did it and I’m not scarred for life. Plus it’s a great excuse for why I can’t drive on long cartrips. I still go right to sleep.

  • Jenni

    Coskel, I grew up downriver. Couldn’t wait to leave… now it seems that it’s “up and coming”.

  • *For jodi-no-blog*

    Paul Edgecomb: Your name is John Coffey?
    John Coffey: Yes sir boss. Like the drink, only not spelled the same.

  • Toyota Velveet Trcikle, just rolls off the tonguee..no?

  • Thank you, Trance. Exactly.

    Just like I’ve never met a Russell who didn’t have red hair (Rusty). How do the parents KNOW?

  • I prefer Toyota myself.

  • Hotpants- “Licking Lizards” would be a great band name.

    My parents used to drive me around in the car to put me to sleep and I turned out fine.

    *twitch*

  • Here in the ghetto we have more than a few Porsches and Mercedes bopping around. Makes me wonder whether I should have named my kid Saturn. Sort of Zappa-esque, no?

  • The dentist who removed my wisdom teeth was Dr. Wrenchler. I wonder if anyone has ever changed their name because it either went with their profession or grated against it so poorly. Has the race car driver Dick Trickle already been mentioned? Im 30 and I still laugh at Dick Trickle.

  • wemery

    Delurking to share:

    When in high school, I had my wisdom teeth cut from my jaw by an oral surgeon named Dr. Carver.

  • As long as they aren’t names Astroglide or Oh Shit It Broke…

  • Susie

    Ladybug, I knew when I wrote it that SOMEONE would go there. My gift to you.

  • jodi-no-blog

    And when Velveeta would call Human Resources for something she would literally say the following:

    “Hi, this is Velveeta. You know, like the cheese.”

    I swear its true.

    I always wondered if she had a brother named Skippy. You know, like the peanut butter.

  • becaru – where are you? i’m downriver. kel
    eastside? yes? i used to be GPP, then Ferndale, now downriver…oh how the mighty have fallen[sic]
    if you’re not from Detroit, you just might not get it

  • Going through life with the name Velveeta is total justification for matricide.

  • jodi-no-blog

    I used to work in HR for a southern shoe company and we had an employee named Velveeta, and another one named DeVodka. I couldn’t help think of the scenario that led to that name…

    Woman tells her boy friend she’s pregnant and it is his baby. He asks, “How did that happen?” She answers, “Musta been de vodka.”

  • Holy Shit!! *cringe*

  • My dentist looks like John Ritter and I have to tell him so EVERY.TIME.I.SEE.HIM.

  • Dooce, no need to feel guilty for attempting to preserve your sanity. That’s not a problem, unless you get to the point of a couple I knew who, when their daughter (who was about 2 or so at the time, I believe) got up in the middle of the night and refused to go back to bed, ended up with the child’s TRICYCLE in the middle of THEIR BED, with the little girl happily perched atop said tricycle. WHY did they do this, you may ask? Why, because that’s what the little princess wanted, of course!

  • I had an Aunt Bertha, and she was a BIG woman, true to what you’d imagine. Cool as hell, though.

  • Oh honey, welcome to the club of Mothers with Broken Spirits. Proud member, here, since 1996.

    My 2 1/2 year old, Elle, is going to a NO-nap format (I make her sound like a damned radio station – ha!) but we cannot let the naps die. Let me rephrase that, *I* cannot let the naps die. So I make hubby drive her around until she relents.

    It works, what can I say?

    Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I hope Leta sleeps for you!

  • Every Chastity I’ve ever known was a big ol’ ho.

    There are some names with connotations for me, I wonder if y’all have them too? Let’s start:

    Bertha

  • Know what sucks?

    When its after midnight and you have been driving around fore an our and you figure its safe so you pull in the driveway and lift the “protective” blankie over the carseat only to see two little eyes peering back at you like “are we there yet?”. It always makes mne burts out laughing, and then into tears, when that happens.

  • I am listening to XM Radio right now and there is a band on called “Of Montreal”. That’s almost like: Of France!

    My favorite horrible name: Dick Trickle. He was a NASCAR driver. I’d root for him just because he had the courage not to go by the name Richard.

  • Oooh, I can’t resist…
    *Susie* – You mean you didn’t pick Dr. BUTT? I bet it was hard NOT to pick Butt, huh?

  • There is a town in Tennessee called Bug Scuffle. We drove through it once when I was a kid, while on the way to Orlando.

    I went to HS with a guy named William W. Williams. The W. was for… you guessed it. Talk about your boring parents…

    My friend who lived across the street went to elementary school with a Sparkle Box. When we were seven we thought that name was THE SHIT.

    Come to think of it, I still do.

  • Charlotte

    My pediatrician’s name is Dr. Dye.

    On my drive from my current home back to my hometown, I always pass a sign pointing to Success. I always miss the road to Success. (Success, Arkansas)

  • 1) used to work for a company that served dental offices. We had 2 Dr. Doctors and a Dr. Lawyer.

    2) went to school with a girl named Chablis. She had a sister named Chardonnay. Thankfully, no Fetal Alcohol Syndrome seemed to be evident.

    3) re: today’s post – it’s so neat when the all of a sudden get really affectionate. My stepdaughter took a bit and would get annoyed at affection, but we persisted and now she’s all about constant kisses and I love yous. Go Leta!

  • BAnd

    TjL…Was that Subway in Atlanta? I remember seeing something like that several years ago on the sign at Cheshire Bridge and wishing I had a camera with me. Hmmmm…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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