An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

This is what happens when you have to go pee, and the baby insists upon joining you

  • You guys are too funny. I’ll have to ditto the ‘Damn she’s frippin’ cute!’

    I had this incredibly vivid dream last night about hanging out with Heather, it seemed totally real. Jon made a few appearances, though Leta was mysteriously absent. However, I apparently had a newborn of my own that I kept forgetting about, and then I’d realize I left her home all alone. I think this means I’ve been reading too many comments?

  • Priceless — a perfect photo to hold on to and bring out later to share with her future boyfriends!

  • Being the totally nelly gay bitch that I am…

    Love that bathroom decor!

    I didn’t think straight people HAD any taste. :op

  • jen

    fess up dooce…you were poopin’.

    i wanna pinch leta’s thighs…but not too hard!!

  • Annejelynn

    2nd to last day, Doocelings! The polls close tomorrow, Feb. 3rd @ 10PM EST.

    vote dooce! -she’s got 4 BLOGGIES nominations!

  • Remember that moment, because the next time she’s holding one of those, she’s going to be mortified she has to talk to you about using one of them.

  • Manic

    I have a question regarding the Leta picture. Since she is not mobile (not judging – just stating what I believe to be a fact) how did she get her hands on the Carefree pads unless:

    1) you put her where she could reach them or .. .

    2) you handed them to her or . . .

    3) she has recently started crawling and you haven’t shared with us yet!

  • THAT is a classic picture! and oh so true.

  • Annejelynn

    yesterday, this time of morning, there were only 111 posts…Leta definitely generates dooce traffic — mind you, this is noooo shocker. She’s just so damn cute!!!

  • Did you eat the cheddar cheese goldfish?

  • Ella’s ma,
    WHAT? how could you deny your children, mommy-peeing-showering-time?
    LOL. My kids range from 14 to 6 and I *STILL* can’t remember the last time I got to close the door while using the bathroom. I tried it once…and it just felt weird listening to Alyx try to talk to me through the door.

    I was cleaning the bathroom and I found Jimmy Hoffa behind my bathroom door. He has been safely hiding there for years knowing that no one would ever shut that door or look behind it.

  • *just came back from Hershey Kiss breakfast*
    You’re right, LadyBug. Just a box of Carefrees, not Tastykakes.

  • *Wisconsin groundhog begs to differ with Phil*
    Associated Press
    February 2, 2005
    SUN PRAIRIE, Wis. — Jimmy the Groundhog could not see his shadow Wednesday because it was cloudy, and he thus predicted an early spring.
    The more famous Punxsutawney Phil, however, did see his shadow at Punxsutawney, Pa., indicating there will be another six weeks of wintry weather there.
    The groundhog predictions are rooted in a German superstition that, if a hibernating animal casts a shadow Feb. 2 – the Christian holiday of Candlemas – then more bad weather is in store. If no shadow is seen, legend says spring will come early.

    Jimmy also predicted an early spring last year and was correct, Chase said.

  • I SO feel your pain.
    I love the weekends when my husband is home and I can pee and shower, alone, with the door CLOSED. It’s a beautiful thing.

  • Oh god, yes.

  • horrible tampon story coming – beware – (i’m only sharing this b/c Cindy shared the “coupon” story and it reminded me) my daughter comes in the bathroom with me every weekday while i shower so i can keep an eye on her. on tampon days, she’s right there beside me while i put one in and every time she points to the string hanging down and asks “what’s that mommy?” “it’s a tampon” “oh, a tam-mon? is it in your hiney?” “no, it’s in my vagina.” “oh, can i have a tammon in my gina?” “no, not yet, honey! — No! Don’t grab it! Micah! Get your hand away from my vagina! Micah!” every.time.

  • I’m surprised Closet Metro has not passed out cold at the possibility of shitmist on Dooce’s D70. (Or has he? Metro? Metro? Bueller? Bueller?)

  • Annejelynn

    CLEARING throat…(don’t know how a throat lears/leers) sorry

  • Kara running in to the bathroom to get a brush and sees me sitting there. “whatcha doin’ mom?”
    I look at the tampon…”Shootin’ up”

  • Fantastic! I am so in love with your kid. She looks so flexible. Maybe she could be a gymnast. 🙂

    When my best friend’s daughter was about three I used to clean house with her dangling from my back. I also used to have the non-private potty time. Man, it is funny how much you miss that.

    Thanks for making my wait to have my own child so tolerable. You are amazing.

  • hmmmm, tampons and scantily clad male action figures….

  • Annejelynn

    (learing throat)

    Will someone give me someBBQ sauce and some ‘napkins’ puhleeze – ? and I will now proceeeed to gnaw on sweet, adorable baby thighs! and deliciously dimpled baby hands!

  • Sarah

    My brother: Where’s that forty dollar bouncer I bought for that baby?
    Me: In the bathroom, dumbass.

  • Ha ha I am reminded of my next door neighbor growing up, Peter, who was like 3 or 4 years old at the time. We found him in our back yard launching tampons into the air in an all out air strike on a GI Joe action figure and semi-naked Ken doll.

  • Ms. Belle

    Leta playing with pantyliners doesn’t bother me…what DOES bother me is that it looks like our beloved Heather had her camera with her when she was using the bathroom. Good work multitasking!

  • A friend of mine has to keep bathroom doors shut at all times, because the dog will DIG out and try to EAT *used feminine products* from the trash.


  • Laugh.. my cat, Noah, is obsessed with tampons. he’ll hunt them out of a drawer or cry and whine to get under the sink where the box is. I don’t even use them anymore but they’re still around and about. Once he gets one, he’ll play with it and it pops up all over the house.. he plays with it til it’s out of it’s paper wrapper, then out of the cardboard tube, then he’ll carry it arond the house like it’s a little mouses.. I’m thinking of doing a series of photos of him going at it..

  • Trancy: You said it just fine! Sure, why not a rocket-off? We could shoot ’em from the roof tops into buckets for beers or juice pops, whatever.

    < >

  • Trance,
    Hey we all do it!

    Like when I yelled out “Hey, I happen to know she’s not really a virgin” about my brother’s wife at their wedding reception. In reference to her white dress that someone said looked so “virginal”.

    Or when I sang “Let’s Get Drunk and Screw” as a joke for the roaming videographer at my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary party.

  • Um, yeah…Colleen? I tried that. It’s just you, hon. Put the baby down, and get you some breakfast, mmkay?

  • Allison

    Hey Dooce!

    I’m delurking because all this reminds me of when my sister was 1ish and I was 14ish – I came downstairs one day to see her running out of my mom’s room, screaming, with a banner of wrapped condoms trailing behind her. I remember thinking “hey, those are condoms! Why do we have cond-EEEEEEEEEW GROSS!”

    I love your blog. Leta is adorable. That is all.

  • when you look at the thumbmnail really fast, it looks like a box of Valentine’s Day donuts. If you’re hungry.

  • me

    NYTimes reader

  • In my head it sounded so much better. As so many things do…

  • Trance, Oh yeah!

    Tampon-coloring contest sounds so much better!

  • Such a cutie! When I was that age and my mom ended up on a long phone call, I would find the box of sandwich baggies, sit in the middle of the kitchen floor and pull them out one by one.

  • I like your bathroom design and decor.

  • That sounded sooooo wrong…

  • What I meant to say was, tampon rocket coloring contest, etc. Ahem.

  • Em

    Happy last day of official babyhood to Leta. But, of course, she’ll always be YOUR (and Jon’s!) baby.

    Have fun.

  • Laurenbove: Maybe we could have a Tampon Rocket-off!

  • Charlotte

    Then when I did get my period, my mom gave me those old-time maxis that you have to tie into a belt.

    No wonder I’m in therapy.

    I still love my mom, bless her heart, she’s just not very modern.

  • Shannon

    Great picture. It took me a minute to realize what she was playing with. I’m still laughing.

  • Felicia

    I really hope you don’t beat yourself up for trying the drive-around to get your baby to sleep. So many of my friends had all of these grand plans and schemes about parenting based on lots of reading and observation and careful thought. And the truth is that they had yet to consult the most important person in the parenting process. The baby is an individual. A beautiful, intelligent, stubborn individual without the means to communicate really well with us and leading to lots of guessing and trying anything we can think of to make precious eat/sleep/stop crying etc. I think it’s been a lot harder on my friends than they ever anticipated. I still cringe when one of these brilliant and loving folks starts a sentence with “I know I will never…”

    If Leta is the genius I think she is one day she will paper the bathroom with your supplies. Make sure to take a picture before you clean up.


  • Trance? Our posts, ironic or what? Are we related…ha! Our kids obviously have excellent imaginations.

  • You guys crack me up – always a great way to start the day!

  • Charlotte

    Vanessa – YES! I so thought I was the only one. The first thing I said when I bought it was – these are just giant maxis.

    When I was maybe 4 or so, I found my sister’s tampons. I asked my mom about them, and just got the standard “when you are old enough, we’ll tell you” speech. I thought they were roll of pennies. Why would I think that?

  • The three ads on the main page:

    Natural sexual health product for women.

    Kee-Ka for the wee ones!

    Find Dates, Friends, Browse Photos.

    These are totally in the wrong order. At least for the Christian part.

  • Damn, Dooce – That’s a clean bathroom! Leta’s looking absolutely precious and those chubby thighs..! Oh, how cute. Son, Trevor *used* to think tampons were rocket ships. He showed me one that he mocked up with little windows and U.S.A. on the side. I almost burst a gut trying not to laugh as I told him what a good job he did, but perhaps this should be an “inside toy.”

  • My son is six, and I *still* have to hide the tampons because he thinks shooting them is the greatest thing in the world. One time he swiped one and colored it with markers, and it did make a pretty bitchin’ rocket.

    Don’t let her stick pads to her hair – they are a BITCH to get off. OW.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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