Yesterday while shopping for food and paper goods at the grocery store I reached down to pick up a cylindrical container of Pillsbury Grands! Sweet Rolls. In doing so I had to perform a small ritual of sorts involving hiking up my pants while simultaneously touching the side of the refrigerated shelving unit with my knee and then nudging my elbow into the cinnamon rolls. This dance prevents me from being SHOCKED TO DEATH by the static electricity swarming every inch of the store.
Jon stood there in disbelief and asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I have to do this because otherwise you’ll see a blue spark jump from the cinnamon rolls to my hand, and it hurts.”
Further down the aisle Jon reached for a bag of bagels and HE GOT SHOCKED, HA. I love it when the Universe proves my point for me. We continued shopping and Jon, a man, a man who loves to solve things, Professional Solver, he suggested that I touch the shelves every few seconds so that the shock wouldn’t be so profound. I told him I would not partake in that solution because I’D STILL GET SHOCKED. I’d prefer not to get shocked at all. Thus: pants, knee, elbow dance.
In the next aisle over I suddenly remembered that yesterday evening I’d be taking the last pill in my pill case meaning I’d need certain paper goods by Tuesday morning. Family and friends, CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. Without thinking I reached up for a box of Tampax containing a variety of absorbent vaginal stoppers, the best solution ever for Women’s Monthly Agony because no one I know needs 40 Super-Sized tampons for every day of their punishment. Light days do exist, but we’ll never let on because then you’d think we should be less ornery and you can just shut up.
The moment my hand touched the box a bolt of lightning struck my body and I lost consciousness for several seconds. “Jesus! That fucking hurt!” I yelped at Jon, wounded and looking for sympathy. In desperation I asked him, “Do you think I could draw ANY MORE ATTENTION to the fact that I’m buying Tampons?”
The Professional Solver just stood there and offered, “Perhaps ANNOUNCING IT OUT LOUD might do the trick.”