An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

This is what happens when you tell the dog that no, he can’t come to the grocery store with you and the baby

  • I just got a call from some Oklahoman asshole person wanting to know if I am opposed to gay marriage.

    So I press 1 and wait through a click and beep and no more than 20 seconds of silence. When Ashley gets on the phone and says “Thanks for opposing gay marriage”(because they are nasty evil people who should be killed) I proceeded to tell her what I really hated was organizations like the one she represents. Then I cursed a couple times and said MMKAY more than once.

    Anyone else get those calls?

  • In honor of Fishy, a classic like Taj Mahal

    Betcha goin fishin all of your time, baby’s goin fishing too
    Bet your life, your sweet life, catch more fish than you
    Many fish bites if ya got good bait
    Here’s a little tip I would like to relate

    Big fish bites if ya got a good bait
    I’m a goin fishin
    Yes I’m goin fishin
    And my baby’s goin fishin too.

  • the niffer

    Wow. That was a great story about Windy.

    And the comments today are so rocking my ass. This whole place makes me giggle.

  • Jews do rule. The Beatles even wrote a song about us: “Hey Jews.”

  • Susie

    Add mine to all the Fish-wishes. Be well and happy, Fish and family. And um YOU bless you.

  • you look so happy in that picture!

    and i am glad i’m not the only one who asks about the cock


  • i blame you, heather b armstrong, for the fact that whenever i read “stay at home mom” i now think “shit ass ho motherfucker.” this is primarily an issue when we’re talking about stay at home moms in class. ha!

  • I might also mention that Mormons are my favorite religious group, other than Jews that is.

  • She looks country. Not that that is a bad thing.

    Your hair is getting so long(er)!

  • All that photo is missing is a little card that says, “Evidence”. Naughty Chuck.

    Can’t wait for Chuck Friday!

  • annie

    poor baby duck.

    i hate dogs.

  • The Congressman is going to learn how to change diapers??

  • and then there’s the scratch-n-sniff thong…
    which are on the shelf next to “slippery when wet” and “bald is beautiful”
    my eyes have been opened.

  • vengeful puppy. maybe you should have sent him to those classes they have at the hospital to teach your older child to be a good big brother/sister. I got to learn how to change diapers and stuff when I went.

  • cathy milw you made me laugh.

  • Ada

    Ah, well, I seem to pop up everywhere… except on scratch and sniff underwear.

  • It’s actually “Hi Yo, Silver.”

  • cathy milw

    Monkey means vagina?

    Oh, crap, that’s been my nick-name for my dog. And I used to call her “cooter” but then I found out that THAT meant vagina to some people.

    I think I’m going to have to just start calling her vagina. Loud. In the park.

  • Ern

    I feel like my whole belief structure is crashing around my ears–you mean neither uppercase GOD nor lowercase god are really God? I need to fast and pray!

    Dooce–I like Windy’s name. Ironically, since she is from the south, it would sound the same if her name was Wendy.

  • But of course. How dare you leave me alone while you to go out and socialize and possibly have encounters with *other people’s dogs.*

  • Ada, nope, sorry. Further south.

  • HA,HA, HA, HA…..Tools of Divinity and of course the Google ad is all about “Lasting Pleasure” for women!!!

  • Torrie

    Windy Lou? Really???

  • Ada

    moose: You live in Edmonton?

  • Whoa Heather. Your friend does look rather mischievous. And you! Your melon is almost as big as mine. Almost, but no cigar sister. Great Scottish Melons unite!

    I felt like I needed to say something meaningful about our friend Fishy. We will miss you bud. You made us laugh and cry. I tried to think of the perfect song to sum up the way we all feel about you and our friendship…and I think I’ve finally found it. So Fishypants, this one’s for you:

    Lady, I’m your knight in shining armor and I love you
    You have made me what I am and I am yours
    My love, there’s so many ways I want to say I love you
    Let me hold you in my arms forever more

    You have gone and made me such a fool
    I’m so lost in your love
    And oh, we belong together
    Won’t you believe in my song?

    Lady, for so many years I thought I’d never find you
    You have come into my life and made me whole
    Forever let me wake to see you each and every morning
    Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear

    In my eyes I see no one else but you
    There’s no other love like our love
    And yes, oh yes, I’ll always want you near me
    I’ve waited for you for so long

    Lady, your love’s the only love I need
    And beside me is where I want you to be
    ’cause, my love, there’s somethin’ I want you to know
    You’re the love of my life, you’re my lady!

  • Suffering…from…fish withdrawal…..

    Hey, giving up fish for lent just doesn’t jive. The timing sure is fishy. oh, I hurt myself.

    Wish you could tell us more, Fish. Missing you already. sniff.

  • I LOVE this particular pitcure and caption. Perfect. I also love the posts. Thank you Heather for giving me something to look forward to every day of my boring, sad, sad life.

  • “giving up fish for lent just doesn’t jive”


  • susanna

    that’s a beautiful table!

  • Goddamnit it. I take the baby to the doctor today, come back, and Fish-God is a memory? Ok. I’m cool now.

    Hey Fish? if you’re still there: I was that one-time lowercase god. lol! I just could not compete.

  • eco2geek

    What if your ex was a fisherman? 😉

    Speaking of which, Fish, I hope you keep posting here. I enjoy your quick wit.

  • Leon


    Starring Chuckacabra

    ….do you ever play the “Got your nose!” game with Leta

    If you do, maybe Chuckles over heard it and decided to play along?

    Either that or Leta got some pop tart and the Chuckter decided to enact some frontier squeeky toy vengence

  • EW, I say!

  • cat

    Yah, ALL I need is a pair of scratch and sniff undies. THAT’LL get things revved up in the boudoir…

    “Scratch ’em, baby! OH YAH! That’s right! Scratch ’em GOOD!”


  • Ugh No.

    I would want my scratch and sniff panties to smell like pina coladas, chocolate frosting, and pork roast.

  • Danika

    Oh… I didn’t know monkey=vagina. Changes the meaning of me shirt.

    Monkey C Monkey Do!

  • yeah monkey does equal vagina.

    when i was about 7 and my sister was about 5, this kid who was my age said to us “HEY, WANNA PLAY CATCH THE MONKEY????”

    my sister promptly kicked him the testicles and ran into the house. i think he had to go to the hospital. i think he actually meant a game similar to freezetag or something.

  • Okay, first of all: scratch n’ sniff panties. . .?

    Second: scratch n’ sniff panties with the scent of tangy barbecue? Or is that *’tangy* barbecue?

    Third: scratch n’ sniff panties with the scent of freshly mowed grass? Is this to announce that the “golf course” has just been groomed?

    Finally: Munki Munki? Anybody else remember that MAD-TV skit? “Remember, *monkey* equals *vagina*!”

  • You’re not going to believe this but I live on a street that has your name. Seriously.

  • Yup, hypothetically.

  • That word is starting to look weird on the page.

  • Ada

    Myself, I always look weird on the page.

  • Not-that-Andrea — where in Illinois? I’m in Northern Illinois, near the Wisconsin border

  • And I wouldn’t want to be all over my girlfriend’s ass, scratching and sniffing her exes. Hypothetically speaking.

  • Ada

    Hypothetically, of course.

  • Ada

    I don’t want to know what some of my ex-boyfriends would make me smell like.

    Tell you the truth, I don’t want to be all over someone’s ass, getting scratched and sniffed…

  • Danika

    Has it been that cold in Ontario DangCold? Its not been too bad in Alberta… compared to usual cold winters.

    I would never want a scratch n sniff underwear of my ex. One reason I split with him was the smell of him!

  • Scratch-n-sniff ex-boyfriends??? How sexy is that.

  • waitaminute. just because you’re exempt doesn’t mean they should be able to keep you from having breaks. i would think that’s still illegal.

  • Laura

    Revenge of Chuckie.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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