An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

It’s alive!

In the winter we rarely go in or out of the front door because we have no hallway at the front of the house. We always use the back door so that we don’t track mud or snow onto the hardwood floors. Unfortunately, this means that I forget about everything on the porch including these festive Halloween pumpkins. Jon was tasked with disposing of these rotting horrors but not before I could take a picture.

  • Jamie – never felt up, but she did sneak some whiskey into my chile con queso once.

  • Dang Cold…

    I seen her!! I seen her!!

  • kelc_in_OZ

    Dang Cold… either your psychic or there is a little delay over here in OZ

  • Did anyone else think they were just now going to actually show her typing “dork” over and over?

  • oh stupid commercials!!!


    They made it look like you were typing that not Dork! he he he


  • Dang Cold…

    Pope John II is a tough cookie…

  • stupid catholic conditioning… here I am pondering what I could give up for lent… WHY??

  • kelc_in_OZ

    blah blah blah social security… Show us *MORE* Heather!

  • Dang cold..

    Ariel Sharon is a handsome devil….

  • Who else has been felt up by there grandma? I get it at seven.

  • heather, you looked absolutely stunning on that little clip they just had!

  • Creating a Tivo moment that will be replayed over and over again.

    2004: Janet Jackson

    2005: Heather Armstrong

  • Dang cold..

    I hate dick cheney

  • damitol – and we have to suffer through a Shrub story first…

  • AUUUGGGGHHHHH I just saw the teaser on ABC. I am such a nerd that I’m tivoing this.

  • Heather is on the news… typing DORK for sure.

  • Just saw a picture of you in the “highlights!” I couldn’t tell you were typing “dork!” You looked cool!!!

  • Cristin

    heh heh Jamie……
    just enjoy your wine 🙂

  • Okay guys, help me out. When is ABC World News on? Is it on cable? I’m looking at my local listings and I’m stumped. DAMN YOU, TV, YOU’VE WON AGAIN! *shaking fist*

  • Tracy.. in like 8 minutes.. on ABC..

  • You? Totally TiVoed.

  • solo

    I can’t help but think of the beautiful revenge you’re getting on your formal evil boss… first the NY Times, now ABC World News. Goddamn, she’s probably pissed. Love the dork post.

  • Starla Dear


    As someone who loves Sixteen Candles so much I have the damn thing memorized to the chagrin of my husband, the sounds Dong is making is the car splashing into a lake, not blowing up, because then he laughs hysterically and says, “Lake. Big lake!” 🙂

    All these posts reminds me when the brother Mike says to Samantha, “You think you have it bad? I have to sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck’s dork!”

  • kelc_in_OZ


    I just realised that it’s on cable here too!!!

    YAY Dooce!

  • I just saw Dooce! Not the story, but her typing! That is so neat!

  • kimmieindallas

    Here in Texas you have to be careful when you set the pumpkins out. It could still be in the 80s and 90s and pumpkins just don’t last long in that heat if they are carved (and some if not carved). The worst, though, has got to be the sneaky pumpkins. Those that LOOK to be just fine and dandy but when you go to pick them up they puke all over. My neighbor’s front porch concrete is permanently stained of pumpkin puke because for two years in a row she has allowed them to secretly puke.

    And, dooooooode! *wink* I am SOOO excited about the news event. I’ve already set my TIVO (oh my wonderful Tivo … we NOW HAVE TWO!!) to record. Hmmm, now that I think about it, I think I’m off to set the second one to record the same thing LOL! Just in case!

  • OKAY!! Maybe it’s been three big gulps!! who’s got time to proof when there’s wine to be had?

  • Dang Cold..

    This sight is going to get hit with hate comments like a cyclone after tonight I think.

    Troops!!Circle the wagons!! I want Suck It rifles locked and loaded!!!

    I’m BA Baracus you who guys wanna be????

  • Tonight? Damn it, they work fast! Is there any way they are going to re-show it? I have lab till 10 pm tonight, and ABC world news comes on at 5pm (maybe 5:30?) here. (The Simpsons comes on right after!)
    Or maybe someone will record it and magically place it online somewhere? Please? * Pout * It’s already too late for me to see it. Damn. But, please? I wanna see!

  • You may be sacrificing your employment and soul, but I’m going to be watching it on a television that has no cable and no antenna, on the most scrambled and snowy station that’s carried. These are ALL forms of true dedication!

  • Kupferkopf

    Jamie: your poor bowel! A good upper colonic should set you to rights, though…

  • where else can you have a chat about hooker ass, whale dicks, and a monkey? Hope to see dooce on the tube de boob.

  • Kim, I’ll know to think twice when I come to your barbecues…

  • Cristin

    jamie, a *bowel* full of gourds?

  • kim

    We carved a pumpkin for Halloween and then forgot to throw it away. The result is this deflated mass of rubbery-looking pumpkin goo that we’ll have to scrape off the lawnchair we left it on. Or just, you know. Buy a new lawnchair.

  • Katie-be-bored-at-work

    Oh, one more thing. Since the topic came up, I must also quote Sixteen Candles and the Noble Long Duck Dong:

    Grandpa: “Dong” [clap, clap] “Dong” [clap, clap, clap] “Where is my… automobile?”

    Long Duck Dong “Automobile?” [giggling] “Automobile?” [laughing hysterically and rolling on front lawn, mimicking with hands how the automobile crashed to pieces]

    You gotta love the Brat Pack.

  • Katie-be-bored-at-work

    Moose, that is a bad ass song. Dooce needs to set that to music and have it playing in the background on the website… Okay, maybe not, but it is still a funny song!

    Okay, last post for the day before heading out of the hellhole known as work! Good luck Heather, Leta, Chuck and Jon – can’t wait to see the show!!!

  • Dang Cold (#397)
    Sixteen Candles is my favorite movie to quote (after Holy Grail, of course).

    No more yanky my wanky! The Donger needs food!

  • Hey, that happened to our pumpkin this year too! haha. And I have no excuse. We walked past it rotting there for months.

  • You think thats bad, if you look you will find a bowel full of gourds under my counter that I put there when company was coming over three and a half months ago. Shh, don’t tell child services.

  • Oh, the noble Dooce of Dorks,
    She had 10,000 friends,
    She blogged it up to Peter Jennings
    And she blogged it down again.

    Oh, when she’s up she’s hilarious,
    And when she’s down she takes her meds (yup, she’s not the only one!)
    And when she’s only halfway up she lightens doocelings’ days!

  • Bec

    EW!! lol

  • Nicole E

    Don’t feel bad. I do walk through our front door every day because we have no hard wood floors to ruin. And I JUST got rid of our pumpkin 2 days ago. The skin from it’s ass is still stuck to the deck…it was that rotten.

  • not-that-Andrea

    Oh – and I’m SO leaving work early to watch ABC.

    dork-da-dork dork. Peter Dork?

  • OK, so I just sat here and read every freaking one of these comments. I might need to get out more.

  • not-that-Andrea

    I’m late checking Dooce (I know – my priorities are all screwed up) so forgive the out-of-order thoughts here:

    I had a smallish pumpkin in my little studio apartment that sat on my kitchen table against the lovely blue & white striped wall paper. Novemberish I noticed that apparently my cat had repeatedly peed on the wall under the table. Oh was I furious and oh was the kitty confused! I moved the table to clean the wall and the pumpkin finished it’s liquification down the wall. But ya know – it didn’t stink.

  • Katie-be-bored-at-work

    This is really sad, but I am missing Ash Wednesday service to watch the piece on Dooce. I hope I don’t burn in the pits of hell for that. I am really hungry, anyway. I doubt the priest would appreciate my the growls emanating from my gut. There’s nothing better than eating a tv dinner while watching Dooce on primetime on Ash Wednesday. God help me. 🙂

  • OMG, that was hilarious. Great job. My wife and I will be watching tonight.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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