An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation
  • Blaaaugh. Monday.

    It took me like 5 minutes to figure out what SLC meant. I was thinking Mormon compound-Sacred Light of Christ? Brain function at 15% and rising.

    If you guys didn’t catch Girl A.’s embarassing story from yesterday, you must go see. It was the truly spectacular.

  • Hey Spoonleg, it was a pretty cool show. They played for an hour and came back for a 15 minute revival, and then headed out. The audience sucked though, they just stood there. No music head bobbing, no clapping, nothing! It was like zombies all bought tickets. I’m uploading really crappy pictures of it as we speak.

  • Thel – that’s hilarious. “Laughing my arms off”… Or, “Laughing my abdomen out”…

  • U.B.

    I was in the band in high school because I couldn’t afford a DORK! tattoo for my forehead.

    In 10th grade, I was heading for the ‘victory dance’ after a ballgame and had a flat tire on my p.o.s. car, in the rain. 40 minutes later, with my mustard-yellow band shirt that had my name embroidered on it, all covered with grease and mud, I finally made it to the dance so I could stand around to shyly and not ask anyone to dance — but still be there to ogle people that weren’t socially retarded.

    I went straight to the bathroom to clean up and barreled through the door with my head down. When I got inside, I couldn’t help but notice that it was pink. I whipped back around and dashed back out before the door swung closed and ran straight into the hottest cheerleader/captain of the drill team girl in the school and her entire pack of cool babes. She just smiled and said ‘Hi!’. As I was hot-footing it toward the exit, I could hear them absolutely collapsing in laughter inside the pink bathroom.

    I think I took up weed shortly after that so I would be too hip to have to attend any more dances….(sigh)

  • Thanks Circus Kelli.

  • more and then I gotta work.

    My stepmom and I were standing at the local fair with my dad talking with people, and mom and I were about to head over to the next booth and she reached behind her with her hand to pat my dad on the ass and said, ‘okay boog, let’s go’, only it wasn’t my dad, but one of my classmates. He was good about it and said, ‘okay, let’s go’ but I was totally mortified. My mom was just LHAO (laughed her ass off).

  • Your fart episode is something that would so happen to my husband…maybe some day he’ll share his apricot story.

  • Thought of one more.

    At a somewhat nice bar downtown, shooting pool with some friends, when this group of Very Hot Guys joined us. So we’re definitely trying to act nonchalant, cool, whatever.

    We had a table next to our pool table with our drinks and whatnot, and I was sitting on a chair there. I went to sit back down on it while also talking to one of the hot guys, and the chair was not there, as it had been moved.

    BAM! Right smack on my ass, in the most ungraceful way possible, with my legs flying straight up in the air, drink flying up in the air as well. My loyal friends laughed so hard that one of them had to sit down on the floor with me and had tears streaming down her face. “OH MY GAAAAAHD, YOUR FACE – YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE, HAAAAA!!!!”


  • Disneyworld. Towerofterror. It was the first week the ride was open, I was in the area and went to mgm just to ride the ride and leave. So I, single rider. Sat in the middle seat of the back row. Put on the seat belt. No lap bar for me. And no rail infront. Just me and seatbelt. The ride went along and then Drop! And then the lift. Well. Not having any hand rail to grab, I grabbed the German man next door. Right in the crotch. And very firmly. It made for a wonderful picture; his wife was thoroughly amused…

  • Happy Bday,!

    Here is my most embarrassing design story. (Yes, I have to categorize my most embarrassing stories, there are just so many to choose from)

    It was several years ago and I was working on a big freelance design project. It included a logo, website and coordinating print materials for a upstart company called “The Program Consulting.” They were trying to facilitate sports recruiting for college coaches and also scholarship-hunting for high school athletes. The classic moment came after seeing the printed version of one of the brochures I created. See, I had purchased a stock photo for a background pic on the pamphlet. Since it represented all sports and the pamphlet was geared at recruiting recruiters, I selected a picture of the hands of a cheering crowd. Sounds innocent, no?

    The damn things had gone to press, and it wasn’t until I got a panicked call from my client that my most embarrassing moment was unleashed. Unbeknownst to me (even after working on this thing for weeks) one of the shape of one of the cheering hands resembled a penis. Yes, a PENIS. Smack in the middle of the back of the brochure was a penis, clear as day. Now that I’ve anazlyed it so much, I have NO CLUE how no clue how NO ONE spotted it during the proofing process. It is rather glaring… oh well.

    Since this is a most embarrassing moment requires visual props, you can click my name to see the offending appendage.

    Total fluke. I ended up getting my money back from the stock photo company (I’m sure the letter I sent them is framed on the wall somewhere) and the pamphlets were reprinted sans wee wah. We tried to get them to reprint them for free since they messed up the line screen and gave me a really grainy print, but I can’t remember if we got away with that or not.

    Damn sneaky pee pees.

    FYI, company is now defunct… not that the penis brochure had anything to do with it. I think they were bought out by a larger firm. Soft porn maybe?

  • Kate

    Jamie Foxx is a superstar and I am happy!

  • Susie

    Yes, Jamie F is a superstar. His speech made me cry.
    Brandi R and Katie bbaw’s sister Mary made me LMAO — laugh my Altoid out

    Oh, Brandi, I can just see that — achoo–BOOM!

  • Sorority Girl

    On our way back to the dorm after a fraternity party, several of my tipsy friends and I were about to get in the elevator to go up to the 5th floor. I told everyone to hurry because I had to pee, BADLY. As the elevator doors closed, one of the girls reached in and pushed the buttons for all 5 floors, then ran up the nearby stairs. As the doors opened on the second floor, there she was doing some kind of crazy, but absolutely hilarious breakdance, making the three of us who got in the elevator crack up. I still had to pee and had backed into a corner and crossed my legs to prevent myself from going all over the place. The same thing happens on the next floor –there she is dancing like a maniac. I am about to pass out from trying to hold my laughter AND my pee in. It didn’t work. I started to pee. And because I was crossing my legs SO tight, and laughing so hard, it squirted across the elevator causing my two elevator-mates to grab on to the handrails and try to climb the elevator walls. The elevator opens again on the 4th floor and there I am, bent over double, legs crossed, peeing like a boy in the elevator. Two girls are clinging like monkeys to the handrails in the elevator, trying to keep their feet dry, and Jennifer is dancing outside the elevator wondering what the shrieking is all about. They of course NEVER let me forget it.

  • smacks

    Sorority Girl. Oh my god am I laughing! Pisssss!

  • can someone find me Dooces orgigonal OF FRANCE!!!! post please?

  • Great story bignik! I accidentally did something similar for a kids TV cartoon when a bears hand totally looks like it’s going up a birds bottom just when the birds face changes to look of surprised pleasure. We were working so hard to beat the deadline no one noticed the slip-up, so it went off to the editors unchecked and I believed shown on air. Ah well no harm done… none of my co-animators believe I did it by accident though 😉

  • Thanks I knew someone could do it!!!

  • np – It was all about the four exclamation points!!!!

  • Regina

    My most embarrassing moment was at my high school graduation. I figured the announcers would mispronounce my last name as it is more unusual, but they misprounounced my first name.

    Had I been graduating in a Commonwealth country, it wouldn’t have sounded funny being prounounced…Regina…rhyming with, well, vagina. But being American and Southern, my name has always been pronounced Regina … rhyming with Bosnia-Herzegovina. Okay, I may have a Merriam-Webster’s Rhyming dictionary.

    Anyway, there’s nothing like your whole high school thinking vagina when you go to pick up your diploma. And my grandma and grandpa was there for hell’s sake.

    To this day I relive that moment and think I should have said “why don’t you just call me pussy!”

    My coworkers gave me a certificate for best misspelled name on junk mail “Vegina.” Of course they’re using their best Canadian accent to hassle me. I’ve really got a name that keeps on giving!

  • Jeez Dooce, you must have got up with the crack of dawn to get such a shot. Beautiful as it may be, I prefer to stay in bed AS LONG AS THE KIDS will let me. Nowadays it’s around 7ish on the weekends. Pre-kids it used to be 10:30-11:00ish, on a good day!

  • Bignik that has to be the funniest thing I have ever seen. You know whoever created that paper did totally did that on purpose. That thing cannot possibly be a finger. It is definitely a wee wah.

  • Sorority Girl, HA! That is excellent. God, I love drunken stories.

  • I am hungry.

  • Sorority Girl

    Mrs. Strizzay, I’m hungry too. AND I smell that someone has just made microwave popcorn. I might have to go make friends.

  • Most embarrassing moment:

    Several years ago I took a trip with some friends to Durango for the day. We were going up there to score some clove cigarettes (illegal in New Mexico) and do some hiking (I did say several years ago)
    We at a very popular Italian Restaurant and headed to the mountains for some hiking. Unfortunately I got food poisoning. Here I was up in the mountains and I had to go.. really bad. The only option was a porta potty. It was dark by then. I ran into the potty and sat down and start shitting out my colon when I realized someone before me had shit on the seat. I sat down in shit. Someone else’s shit. Plus. There was no toilet paper or any way to wash anything off. I had to drive to the nearest public restroom with shit on my ass. My friends were busy retching and hanging their heads outside the windows.

    Worst. Trip. Ever.

  • I am going to make a salad. MMM

  • smacks

    Big Gay Sam….I hate when that happens.

  • BGS…EWE!!

  • Susie

    Here, Strizz, finish off this birfday cake . . .

  • But…if you wear underwear you should have taken those off and used them to wipe and THEN thrown them far far away.

  • No no cake!!

  • Susie

    Wha? What? I’m sorry…. HERE!! Celery sticks! Cucumbers, carrots, NO DIP!!!!

  • smacks

    You should never NEVER EVER sit on a seat you can’t take a gander at first!

  • Listen abit of dip won’t hurt. Pass that shit.

    Oh and boys need to learn how to squat _over_ the seat.

  • Amanda

    My most embarrassing moment:

    I was sleeping next to my boyfriend after, *ahem*, spending our first night together. Sometime in the early morning I let out a fart so monstrous that it woke us both up out of a sound sleep. He literally LEAPT out of bed and ran across the room with the most terrified and bewildered look on his face. He’s in the Air Force and I do believe that in his sleepy state he thought he was under mortar attack or something.

    And he STILL married me!

    I’ve been reading your blog since I was pregnant. Leta’s a month older than my boy. I’ve never posted before but Heather-know that you have made me laugh, cry, and crave tequila.

    Thanks for being you and letting me know that I wasn’t the only one who felt as if giving birth meant the loss of my sanity. These days things are A LOT better, but I still have my moments. Although everything makes sense when Jacob puts his head on my shoulder.

    Amanda 🙂

  • I’m baking cookies. Just ONE cookie, Mrs. Strizz?

  • 01234

    Okay, not so embarrassing as far as these things go, but since I recounted it last night, it’s fresh in memory, so here it is.

    About a year after I left home and was living in a hip college town (working as a labourer) I went to see an artist friend at her shared house. One of the roomies was G., the very hip younger brother of a well-known cartoonist, a golden boy with Adonis looks and locks, and whom, by way of his near-fame, his good looks and some familiarity with an acoustic guitar, was cultivating his way through the upper echelons of ultra-hip curvaceous babes. I, of course, was about as talented, attractive and otherwise blessed as a shovelful of shit, so I was not even allowed to hang around with this cool crowd. Anyway, I’m there to see my friend, and am told by whomever answered the door that she was upstairs in the room on the right. I see the door is open as I reach the top step, and start talking in advance of actually arriving at the door. Halfway across the doorframe I see that it’s G, butt naked, and banging R., the statuesque and equally aloof young manager of the local organic restaurant. He was grunting, she was moaning, the two of them were writhing about and entirely oblivious to the fact that the door was open and that I was about five feet from them. The shock of seeing these two self-absorbed stars going at it with abandon stopped me in my tracks, in mid-sentence. I stood there for an eternity, jaw agog, before finally deciding that an exit would be appropriate. I suspect that they were still oblivious to me when I said ‘I’ll try again later’ and backed out of the room.

    This scene was repeated several years later with an old high school friend – a woman who was now a nursing student. We shared a 3-room house with another guy, and were pretty casual with each other but not involved. One day I knocked on her door to ask a question, then opened the door when I heard her speak – before realising that she was wasking me to wait a second. There she was, naked, and in a lotus position on the bed, with a guy I didn’t know, and they were clearly in the midst of foreplay.

    Things were a little awkward after that.

  • Myy web sit is almust 4 yirs uld 2!

    Myy must imbirressen mumint wass 1 tam I wass stanndeen nist 2 1 beeg lek uf watir. I amm 1 viry nobil andd stylich dagg andd I wes standeeng andd lukeeng viry gudd en frent ef al thi peepil, And thiy wir all jilis becass I luk su gud stendeeng nist 2 thatt watir. Thin thatt windd bluwed 1 skirry beeg lif upp 2 mi and I gat viry SKIRRED! Yew kin immagin! A LIF!! I try 2 ran awwiy andd I rann and fil in2 thatt watir and I FRIKKED OUTT becass thatt watir is 2 culd 4 mi! UHMAGAADD. It wass harbil.

    Andd a llat ef tams I walkk in2 glas durs and Kivin laffed at mi su mush. What thi feck du pipil nid glas durs 4?? Thus thengs R harbil andd dinjirus 4 dags!

    Anuthir tam I try 2 hemp my un muthir becass shi wass in heet. That wass viry imbirrisin 4 mi Mouss.

    I wuld rat mor bet yew nid 2 stap riding this Hithirr andd gu gif Shuck 1 gud trit.

  • hey now! it was dark! I couldn’t see. It wasn’t my fault damn it! It was food poisoning! *sob*

  • smacks

    Mouse, you give me a headache with that shit.

  • What kind of cookies kalki? I make cookies just so I can eat the dough. MMM Chocolate chip. I make a mean ass peanut butter cookie dipped in chocolate. *sigh* Thanks for bringing that up.

    01234, seriously dude…your a peeping tom. LMAO

  • so, any time i open up an explorer to do some googling-research for work, i always start typing “dooce” in the browser instead. i have a real problem.

    embarrassing story: one time a fell UP a down escalator. i tried to be all smooth and turn around and just hop back up on the floor, but it didn’t work that way. a family was going up the escalator on the other side and they were gaping and laughing as i coasted down, feeling too bewildered to stand up. this was shortly before i broke my foot while playing volleyball. and by “playing” i mean that i took a step, rolled my ankle and somehow broke my foot in the process.

    i’m nothing if not coordinated and graceful.

  • I’m making snickerdoodles, a word which sounds like anything BUT cookies. They’re chewy and cinnamony. I’m like you, though – I’ll eat half the dough before they get in the oven.

  • It’s ok Big Gay Sam. I feel your pain. In fact, you described the moment so well I can smell it.

  • One time I shut an escalot off, you know that red button under the glass case. (I was YOUNG! OK SHIT) And there were people on it!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA

    It beeps loud if you do that.

  • Mrs. Striz, you are such a bad ass!

  • shit disturber

  • Smacks! I *KNOW* you were not just mean to Mouse. Are you insane?

    Poor little Mouse. Leaves are very skirry, especially when they attack!

    Big Gay Sam- that is horrible. I am so so sorry. I am happy to say that I can not out do that story. Thanks! 😉

  • 01234

    *Ms Striz* – So Right. You’ll be glad to hear about the time I came home from high school to the sounds of my father and some woman going at it. I needed to pee, and the bathroom was next to his bedroom. The bathroom had two doors – and one of them was to his room. It was bad enough having to pee in the presence of the racket they were making, but the worst part was that I arrived just in time to hear her say that she loved the size of his organ.

    I was doing my homework in the dining room when the student teacher from my history class came down the hall from his room.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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