Heater, Mother of Lance

Happy Fourth Blog Birthday to this Behemoth of A Project

I’ve never celebrated my blog birthday (that sounds like a venereal disease, “That bastard gave me blog birthdays”) because the first year it happened to coincide with my being fired for the blog itself, and then after that it just didn’t seem to matter. Now, four years after I started, I realize that this website has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t think I want to know what that says about me.

Usually I’ve celebrated the anniversary of the beginning of my unemployment, but this year I’ll celebrate the venereal disease.

Yesterday we went snowboarding again and I found myself in so many embarrassing positions, once twisted into a pretzel as I got off the lift. The lift operator had to stop the lift, get out of his hut, and assist Jon in freeing my legs from the board.

Thing is, I’m rarely very embarrassed anymore. At least not like I used to get. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s all the poop I have to touch and pick up on a daily basis, but I don’t have that many embarrassing moments anymore, meaning that people are probably embarrassed for me all the time and I just don’t notice.

This is such a lame question, but this year I want to know about some of your most embarrassing moments. Here’s one of mine:

I was a teacher’s assistant my senior year in high school and one afternoon she didn’t have any papers for me to grade or lessons to help her plan, so I put my head down on my desk in the back of the room to take a quick nap. I had a dream that a I farted. It was such a violent dream that it woke me up rather abruptly and I hit the desk with both of my knees as I jerked awake. The desk moved almost a couple feet from the impact, and when I looked up at the class surrounding me, they were all laughing and staring in disbelief. I had actually farted, in my sleep, and it was was so explosive that the desk moved. And then I went on to give a speech at graduation.

Your turn.

  • jen

    2005/02/28 at 6:05 am

    Ok, I wasn’t gonna post, because seriously nothing beats Pete (#208) but anyway, here goes.

    I was 13 or so. My hormones were out of control. I had been getting into my Dads Hustler magazines, reading every story, every article and carefully looking at all the pictures.

    I then wrote a long, detailed story about me and some guy. A fantasy of course. Let me just say that it was detailed in such a way that it would have made the writers at Hustler VERY proud.

    I tucked it away somewhere, and then went and spent the summer with my Grandparents. When I got home, my Mom told me that she had cleaned my room. For a split second I thought “Great! At least I won’t have to do it!”

    Then I remembered my mini novel. Holy.Shit. I went to my room, trying to be all casual, slammed the door and when I went to where it had been, it was gone.

    I wanted to die.

    My Mom AND my Dad came into my room at that point, and my Mom had it in her hands.I will never forget the look on her face.

    She wanted to know where I had learned how to write like that. She wanted to know where I had learned those words. She wanted to know how I knew what some of that stuff was. She said there were words and descriptions in there that no 13 year old should know…

    What could I say?? They had caught me snooping around the Hustler pile on more than once occasion…So I just replied “Hustler”.

    I really do not think I have ever been so embarrassed in all my life. I wanted to melt into my bedroom floor. They left my room, WITH the notebook, and it was not ever mentioned ever again.

    Now as an adult, I cannot help but wonder…WHAT DID THEY DO WITH IT??? LOL

    Did they keep it?


  • Heidi

    2005/02/28 at 6:03 am

    Ok, here’s my story. The summer after my senior year in high school, I was dating a Catholic boy (his parents were very strict Catholics – his dad is a former priest). We had been to a beach dance with some friends that day so I had a change of clothes in my car. When I dropped Catholic boy off at his house that evening, somehow my bra fell out of my bag and onto their driveway where his mother discovered it the next morning. When Catholic boy gave me my bra a couple of days later, I almost died of embarrassment. It must not have been as big a deal to his parents, because Catholic boy and I continued to date, even though I was mortified.

  • Seven

    2005/02/28 at 6:02 am

    When I was 8 or 9 I joined a pretty hoity-toity gymnastics place (I don’t know what the hell they call those). I wasn’t as good as the other people there, since I’d only been taken gymnastics for a few weeks every summer, so I decided to get a bunch of new, cool looking leotards and really work at becoming a good gymnast. I bought this really pretty white leotard with one of those snap button crotch things which I wore to my next lesson.

    I had to work on the uneven bars that day, which was what I was worst at. However, with my newfound devotion to gymnastics I was ready for anything. Now, I should probably mention that my instructor was a real bitch and would do anything to make people feel like crap (she was fired from Disneyland [where she played Goofy] for harrassing kids, true story). That information will help you understand her actions.

    Anyway, I was flipping around on the uneven bars, really working my (at the time) skinny little ass off, when I noticed the twenty or so girls at the base of the uneven bars had lifted the protective mat up, sort of sheilding themselves from me. I dismounted and sort of stared at them. All of a sudden my instructor yelled (in front of about 75 people in the place) “the button on your crotch came undone and we can see everything, girl”. Now, think about what someone on uneven bars does. It’s not a bunch of delicate ladylike stuff, it’s splits, flips, and stuff like that. You have your legs open wider than a five cent whore in Vegas.

    I quit gymnastics and moved a few years later.

  • Heather

    2005/02/28 at 5:54 am

    In 8th grade, I was passing notes back and forth with a friend who sat in front of me. “Tony is soooo cute. I totally love him. Do you think he likes me?” I asked. Shit like that.

    My teacher caught us, grabbed the note, opened it in front of the whole class and READ IT. Did I mention Tony was in that class? It’s in my memory as a slow motion scene. People are slapping Tony on the back. Some people are convulsing with laughter, others are turning to laugh at me. I wasn’t Tony’s dream date, obviously. I was a giant nerd (of course, things like this only happen to giant nerds).

    I have the most awesome mom ever, because she let me stay home from school the rest of the week, sick with mortification.

  • Sheryl 98/286

    2005/02/28 at 5:52 am

    When I was in high school we were on a class trip, and my mother was a chaparone (mistake #1). At one point the bus had engine trouble, so we had all been sitting on the bus, waiting to get going again, when my mother got the BRILLIANT idea to stand up in front of ALL MY PEERS and belt (a la Ethel Merman) “Let Me Entertain You.”

  • Beatrix

    2005/02/28 at 5:45 am

    Can I just say that I was in a foul mood this morning coming to work, but these embarrassing moments are making me laugh so hard tears are running down my cheeks. My favorites so far are the little girl with the candles that wouldn’t blow out, the woman who didn’t realize the against-the-light traffic was a funeral procesion and the pregnant lady who tripped and splashed her doctor in the face with her urine. This is fricking hilarious.

  • Izzy

    2005/02/28 at 5:45 am

    My most embarrasing moment happened at a JC Pennys department store when I was 9 or 10. I was school shopping with my mom. I have always been what the clothing industry refers to as “Husky”. Which basically means I can never find clothes that fit. So there we are, after hours of shopping for clothes, looking for a pair of new dress pants. Nothing fits. When the waste fits the legs are to long. When the inseam is right I couldn’t even pull the damn pants up. I asked my mom, why don’t they make clothes that will fit me. Out of frustration she yells, “Because you ASS IS JUST SO DAMN BIG!” Then I turn red and look around and the whole store stopped to look at the kid with the huge ass.

  • Crazed

    2005/02/28 at 5:36 am

    Years ago, I was stopped at a stoplight. I had a stuffy nose and no kleenex, so I did the ol’ wipe-the-nose-with-a-big-push-of-the-index-finger. I looked over at the car next to me. The lady smiles at me. I think it’s a “Good morning” smile and smile back. Nope, I had pushed a huge booger onto the end of my nose. I think that’s what was making her smile.

  • Shawna

    2005/02/28 at 5:41 am

    I’ll write out the full story sometime in my journal but for now: I knocked myself out cold in gym class running into a hefty girl piggy-backing a skinny boy, WITHOUT EVEN SEEING WHAT I’D RUN INTO. I split my lip. Blood everywhere.

  • Effie

    2005/02/28 at 5:32 am

    I was about 11 or so and I was visiting my grandparents farm. Three of my cousins and I went for a walk to a neighbouring farm where the farmhouse had burnt down years previous. It was a LOOONG walk back to my grandparents house so when I had to go to the bathroom I tried to hold it, but couldn’t manage and peed my pants. I was mortified!!! Luckily there was a pump there so I rinsed my pants off and we continued with the day. Wouldn’t you know it but one of my cousins (who lived on a farm down the block) had to go too, so she went behind a tree to do her duty. She didn’t think to let the poor city-girl know of that trick….ever since then I’ve been very embarrassed in front of that particular cousin….but now I have no problem in finding a tree behind which to squat!!

  • Stacy

    2005/02/28 at 5:22 am

    This is a constipated ski trip story.

    I was able to pass the boulder that had accumulated in my colon on the first day of the trip. Problem was the toilet could not. And it was one of those jet force toilets that should be able to suck anything down. The toilet did not back up but the boulder kept peeking back out into the bowl. I went out and whispered the embarrassing story to my boyfriend and he announced it to the couple sharing our suite. They made me call maintance and made me answer the door to find a giant american indian looking man with a toilet snake. When he realized the problem was not stuck in the pipes he called the maid who promptly came in pulling on armpit long rubber gloves to remove the boulder. I was mortified and everyone else was hysterical. When we returned from skiing that night there was a message on the room voice mail for me from the giant indian barely containing his laughter and saying “muy grande!”. That became my nickname for the rest of the trip.

  • even dumber when drunk

    2005/02/28 at 5:19 am

    Hammered, mountain biking, midnight, no lights.

    Bike hits rock. Face hits tree. it took five years, two root canals, three different sets of crowns, and all the dignity I have to finally fix the three teeth that I cracked in half that night.

  • mobish

    2005/02/28 at 5:12 am

    Happy blog birthdays \o/

  • Heather

    2005/02/28 at 5:14 am

    This happened a week ago today so it is still very fresh in my memory..
    Coming back from a weekend in the Dominican Republic and after long flights and intense layover in Miami, my stomach started feeling very queasy… thinking I was the master of my own body I decided to wait for my standard 3 cramp set rule, after the third set of cramps I must find a washroom and fast!
    So this time my whole system goes out the window and in the car, at one in the morning, tired and hungover my body decides to let go. I am with my best girlfriend who is encouraging me to HOLD IT IN, you can do it, hold!
    Alas, I pull over and squat in a snowbank to release the furry. Head down as cars drive by, full headlights on me, nowhere to go, furry going strong, my head down, humbled. I remember seeing my friends face peeking from the side windows of the car, the drive home in complete silence, windows open in cold Montreal, Canada, February night.

  • Marian

    2005/02/28 at 5:09 am

    Um, last Thursday I walked out of a room we had a meeting in that for some reason had a very large pane of glass as part of the wall. Big and wide, floor to ceiling. On my way back I hadn’t realized they’d shut the door while I was gone and I walked right into the window. To top it off I stood there for a little bit with this dumb puzzled look on my face like, Why is this glass here? What happened to the door!? I got heckled once I got in there after finding the door. Utter Humiliation. They said I was like a bird flying into glass. Ugh.

  • Kerri

    2005/02/28 at 5:04 am

    I was 13 and helping set up for a concert at school that day when my shoe stuck to the floor and i went flying 10 feet across the gym floor, skirt up over my ass, with the whole school laughing at my in the stands… Normally, the school wouldn’t have been in the gym at that time, but it was raining outside so they let everyone in…. *sigh*

  • bushra

    2005/02/28 at 4:57 am

    minx, your story reminds me of the time i fell on my face in the school playground, age 6 years. messed up my face and walked around with a giant scab above my upper lip. for days i was ridiculed for having a moustache…

  • Bucky Four-Eyes

    2005/02/28 at 4:59 am

    I think Regular Doocer wins. Jizz on the cake and/or mom’s boyfriend trumps just about everything else.

    Me: 8th grade. Drama class. Tan pants. Sudden, epic menstruation. On stage.

    Also: When I was in early grade school, my mom bought this pink tape that was made to train one’s hair into a certain position. Yeah, I thought that sounded pretty fucking stupid, too. She was trying to train my bangs to stay back (again, what the fuck?).
    Only, instead of having me wear it at night, like I think it was intended, she made me wear it *during the day* when I went to school and such. And, being the little dork I was, I didn’t have the gall to rip it out the second I was out of her sight. It was a lingering embarassment, culminating in the day at Sunday school that a little boy stage-whispered to his brother “That girl gots pink tape in her hair!”

    Love ya, Mom. But you’re not touchin’ my hair again!

  • Mamaramma

    2005/02/28 at 4:57 am

    I was doing summer stock in Nebraska when I was 20 and playing a hunched over 100 yr old with no shoes on in a silly melodrama. I had no professionalism whatsoever and neither did the rest of the cast so we did everything possible to make each other crack on stage. I was also into drinking about 35 glasses of water a day. One night, someone made me laugh so hard that I started peeing right there on stage and I couldn’t stop it. What’s more, the stage was raked (slanted) so I watched in horror as the pee started rolling down towards the audience. The only thing I could do was wipe up as much of it as possible with my own dress by stepping on it with my bare feet. Horrifying. Even worse, in this 2-bit theater, the costume people only washed the costumes once a week. I had to wear that pee soaked dress 5 more times before it was washed.

  • CanadianAmy

    2005/02/28 at 4:40 am

    Because I’m a retard, I posted my moment on the photo comments. How embarrassing. Here it is in it’s proper place:

    As for embarrassing moments… This is such a vague memory for me, but my mom made sure I knew every detail after the fact.

    When I was sixteen I had appendicitis. And the pain had me half out of my mind. My mom and I were in the examination room at the hospital, and they hadn’t figured out what was wrong with me yet.

    The doc thought maybe it was a ruptured ovarian cyst. Whatever. I was like the hunchback of notre dame, drooling and cursing and asking for euthanasia. He said we should do an internal exam.

    My mom said, “But she’s ON HER PERIOD.”

    He said, “Oh well, we can still INVESTIGATE.” He turned to me. “Do you have a tampon in right now? Because if you do, you will need to take it out.”

    I looked at him through the blur of pain. “Okay.” I said. I hopped off the table, pulled off my shorts, bent over and yanked out the tampon.

    “Here.” I held it out to him, justa swingin’ side to side like a bloody amulet.

    My mother, who worked at this same hospital, almost fainted. He was an old doctor. He left the room.

    I ended up getting surgery without the internal first.

  • minxlj

    2005/02/28 at 4:25 am

    RegularDoocer: your camping/cake/weiner story, you DEFINITELY WIN.

    Reading that and having a laughing fit, I have just spurted my drink all over my computer keyboard. I’m at work. 🙂

  • Desiree

    2005/02/28 at 4:08 am

    When I was a high school senior and captain of the color guard–yes I have my valedictorianism thingy too–I was to do a duet with my co-captain at the indoor concert. Well–long story short we never practiced a whole lot. I was very upset that she had to study(I think she has a doctorate in something – I am still trying to get my associates so you see where MY priorities were!).

    We made up a routine to “The Heat is On” which was to be played by the band. We flubbed it so bad that during the “break” where we went off stage neither of us wanted to go back on stage. As she waved no! no! from stage right I pleaded with my instructor to PLEASE!! don’t make me go back out there.

    Well–she shoved me back onto the stage and we had to finish the routine which was about as climactic as a teenage boy experiencing his first orgasm.

    To this day the song “The Heat is On” makes me want to curl into the fetal position and hide in a corner!

  • schmims

    2005/02/28 at 3:59 am

    Happy Blog Day!

    Where to begin? There’s so many to choose from.

    I am not embarrassable due to the vast amount of idiotic things I do, but if I were, it would be the time I spilled an entire beer in the crotch of my panites at a wedding reception. I had recently started dating a super cute guy and it was his best friends wedding. The reception was on a river boat. I took my full cup of beer into the bathroom and set it ontop of the toilet paper holder while I used the facility. The girl in the stall let the door slam as she exited, causing the entire beer to topple into the crotch of my panites. I stared in horror at the pool of ale cupped in my underware.

  • john M

    2005/02/28 at 3:52 am

    My most embarassing moment involves me, Yoko Ono, and some modern art…


  • Regular Doocer

    2005/02/28 at 3:32 am

    Happy Blog Birthday!
    (I stuck this story in the wrong place the first time)

    So, I’m not sure if this is my most embarrassing story. But because of my tender young age, I was more embarrassed than I would have been later perhaps…ok, maybe not.

    When I was __teen, I was on a camping trip with my mom and her boyfriend and his two kids. My mom invited my boyfriend along because I wasn’t excited about going and my boyfriend was about to move away. It was my mom’s boyfriend’s birthday weekend.

    In the RV, there was a cake my mom had made for her boyfriend’s birthday.

    Everyone decided to go on a hike for a couple of hours, except my boyfriend and I stayed behind. We ended up bumping uglies in the RV. My boyfriend was working up to his big finish when he yelled “SCREAM! SCREAM NOW!” So, I screamed. Really fucking loud. Why not, we were in the wilderness, no campsites near ours.

    I had never seen any porn movies, so I screamed like a chick would in a B-Horror flick. (blink. what?)

    Well, at that moment, the hikers had returned to camp. They heard me screaming. My mom’s boyfriend busted into the RV, just at the culmination of my scream, startling my boyfriend mid-wad-blowing, which prompted him to lose control of his weiner and accidentally squirt both the birthday cake and my mother’s boyfriend. Right square in the “I’m a #1 Dad” t-shirt.

  • Amanda

    2005/02/28 at 3:32 am

    All of my embarrassing moments have to do with shit, piss, puke, and drool. The time I was 15 and got drunk for the first time and passed out on my friends couch, only to wake up with the whole family around me the next morning saying, “What’s the SMELL?!?!” had shit in my pants- a LOT (remember Trainspotting?), and they had to get a new couch because the stink wouldn’t come out. Then there was that time in the subway where I was so drunk coming home from the bars on Sunday morning, that I fell asleep on the metro and rode it back and forth for hours, until about 9 a.m. When I woke and realized what I did, I jumped off at the next stop onto the platform, pulled up my skirt and down my panties, and squatted RIGHT THERE on the platform and peed (a lot of drunk pee, too). Then I looked up and the whole platform on the other side was looking at me. The worst was that I had to then go in their direction, so I had to sit through a subway ride with them.

    Come on, am I the winner in this or what?

  • Meg

    2005/02/28 at 3:15 am

    Over a lovely vacation weekend in NYC my husband and I decided to check into a hotel with a rep for being sumptuous. It was, but it was also like one of those miniature doll houses, you know the ones? And it was jammed right up against an apartment building. I didn’t realize the blinds were still up about two inches the second morning; I was seriously inflagrante delicto and sitting up when I noticed a women at her kitchen table with a coffee, watching me like she was watching television. Pretty much killed the mood after that…

  • minxlj

    2005/02/28 at 3:04 am

    When I was 7 years old, I chopped all of my fingertips off in an accident…with a folding chair. It sounds horrendous, and it certainly was at the time.
    The chair collapsed while I was sitting on it, with my fingers resting on the sides. I started crying and my stepfather burst out laughing, telling me it would serve me right for not sitting properly (I was 7!!)
    Then he saw all the blood, and promptly screamed for my mother and ran upstairs.
    After the dramatic ambulance/hospital/bleeding (luckily they saved my fingers and I only have 1 tiny scar) and my fingers were all bandaged up, apparently the first thing I blubbed to my mother was ‘how am I going to eat?’. I was only concerned about my food 🙂

    But by far the most embarassing part of it was, considering I could not write or draw or eat, MY PARENTS MADE ME GO TO SCHOOL. If Edward Scissorhands had been out back then, I’m sure the teasing and horrible comments might have been a little funnier…
    I still remind my mother for the constant pain and embarrasment of those few weeks. Thanks, mam 🙂

  • kkgirly

    2005/02/28 at 2:53 am

    First time poster long time reader.. Hi!

    1. I was having a day where I was stumbling over my words, just tired, not thinking before I was speaking.

    One of the doctors, George, who I get along with famously, was at the computer, and I was peeking over his shoulder to check something about one of my patients, and he said to me,

    What can I do for you Keryn?
    To which I replied
    You can do me for nothing.
    ( I was trying to say you can do nothing for me)

    Oh the shame

  • Suz

    2005/02/28 at 2:51 am

    Ummm, it would’ve been last night…

    Hubby and I decide to THOROUGHLY enjoy our first intimate evening in 2 weeks, due to our grueling work and school schedules. He decides he’s going to uhm…pleasure me orally. And did he ever. Unfortunately, I had eaten salsa and quesadillas earlier and had absolutely no control of my bodily functions. Not to mention that my body is contorted in ways it has never seen. Or probably will again, after what happened next.

    Yes…I farted…while hubby was…there.


  • Anamarija

    2005/02/28 at 2:31 am

    One of my most embarrasing moments…
    When I was sophomore in college we had a very young female teacher visiting from Spain. I didn’t much go to her classes (e. i. I attended only twice or three times in the first semester) but my collegues said that she was really cool and stuff. Once i went to this party and I was browsing the room, checking out the people and then I saw this really familiar girl and she was sort of watching me. So I figured I must know her from somewhere. So I went there and said something like “Cool party!” and then something like “Excuse me, do I know you from somewhere?”. And the girl looked at me with a “duh” expression on her face and said “Yeah, I’m your teacher.” I just felt the ground opening beneath my feet. Naturally, I dropped out of her class the next semester.

  • Sammy

    2005/02/28 at 2:25 am

    Not that it is the most embarassing (I have so many) but it is the most RECEBT embarassment… We went out (me and my hubby) this weekend, and I was such a clutz. Ex. when I wanted to shut the car door I hit myself very very hard in the back with it because I forgot to step out of the way. Then we went to an all you can eat chinese buffet. Our table was upstairs and the buffet downstairs, and I guess I was so blinded by my foodlust that I tripped and fell on the stairs THREE TIMES over the coarse of the evening.

  • bushra

    2005/02/28 at 2:15 am

    belated blog birthday greetings. the only share-worthy embarrassing moment i can think of is from an old job. my work made me run open days at different locations across the county, so i was getting up way too early to get to business centres and set things up. i’d have to meet and greet clients, introduce them to consultants and stuff. the last client was taking so long with his consultation, i fell asleep while waiting in the corridor. i think i must have been out for at least half an hour until i jumped out of my seat. when i went to check on him it turned out he’d left a while back. and saw me sleeping on the way out. ugh. (do i get more points for mentioning, um, yes, there was drool. i think i’m going to cry now.)

  • kim

    2005/02/28 at 2:21 am

    OH MY GOD i must have banned that incident from my memory because i had totally forgotten about it until YOU BROUGHT IT UP — it was horrible. it must have been like in 9th or 10th grade or so. we were on our lunch-break and i was drinking from a juice box standing there with a couple of friends INCLUDING the boy i had a HUGE CRUSH ON at the time. so we were chatting, i was drinking my juice and one of the guys said something funny that made me laugh out loud since girls that age practically laugh at anything guys say whether it’d really be funny or not.. but laughing right then was not good because i had juice in my mouth, now coming OUT MY NOSE. JUICE COMING OUT OF MY NOSE AND MOUTH IN FRONT OF MY CRUSH. i’m pretty sure i just wanted to die right there and then. but somehow i survived, made it though puberty without serious damage and we’re still friends..

  • Aimee

    2005/02/27 at 11:44 pm

    Happy Anni! I would leave you with a story but I’m still too embarrased to post it, it does include farting in front of people that I didn’t know. Very much like yours…

    Take care

  • kim

    2005/02/28 at 12:21 am

    In the summer between fourth and fifth grade, I was invited over to a good friend’s house for a sleepover, along with another girl I had been friends with for a year or two, and a girl I didn’t know all that well but went to our school.

    When I fell asleep, they decided it would be funny to remove my underwear and use halloween makeup to draw/write all over my ass and thighs.

    I woke up later on, when they were still awake, and was not only embarassed, but mad, crying and screaming. The good friend begged me not to tell her mom, but my screaming did that for me. I took a shower and scrubbed furiously at all the paint (which is really hard to get off one’s white ass, especially the red colors).

    Good friend’s mom, of course, made her apologize to me, which she did in the expected forced manner. I’m pretty sure this was the defining moment for the rest of my elementary school career.

    All my former friends got into the “cool kid” clique, and I was left behind (the girl I didn’t know very well was, alas, one of the central links in that cool clique).

    Although a close second would be that since my mom stayed good friends with the friend’s mom throughout those years, she would call her to tell her how horribly upset I was about school all the time. Of course, former-goodfriend’s mom told her to be nice to me, and of course, they promptly made fun of me at school for being a crybaby. Good times.

  • shilly

    2005/02/27 at 11:00 pm

    my embarassing moments are soooo bad, I have blocked them all out…so, I’ll have to tell you one of my 16 year old sister’s embarassing tales…(this is for all you cool teen readers out there…man, I sound old…)

    My sister was in math class working with her ” work group” when the instructor announced that they would have to complete a group of exercises. My sister was saying that she could do them all really fast, just joking around, and her friends started to joke that she was dumb and couldn’t. Well, my sister got to work, and complete all of them on her on…and she was so excited when she finished that she yelled out loud: “I SMART.” HA! When she got to this part of the story she started laughing hysterically…I am so happy that she can laugh at herself…good for you my little pookanoo!

  • Nita

    2005/02/27 at 10:56 pm

    I started my period when I was 10 years old at a HUGE family BBQ. My family is massive & every single one of them seemed to be at this particular BBQ…cousins twice removed, the whole 9 yards.

    I started my period for the very first time. I was shocked & stunned when I went to the bathroom & went to get my mom who, after confirming it was my period, ran out onto the deck & declared to the entire backyard of several hundred people:

    “Anita is a woman now!”

    They all clapped & cheered…while I ran in the house & cried.

    Also…I’m the clumsiest person ever & would trip on a hair if one was on the ground. When I was 17 I LOVED bell bottoms, still do actually. Found the perfect pair at a vintage shop & wore them all
    the time. One day as I was getting off the bus after school I tripped on the bottoms of my jeans as I walked down the bus steps & fell onto the pavement & skinned both of my knees really bad. Even though there was blood dripping down my legs & I was in terrible pain, I started to bawl not because it hurt, but because my fave pair of bells were now completely ruined.

  • elaine

    2005/02/27 at 10:54 pm

    after studying for a couple of months in germany during high school, i returned home to my friends and boyfriend and we all slept over together. my room connected to the bathroom, and i went in to brush my teeth and the boyfriend followed me in to finish our conversation. through the door, all my friends heard a cry and then “OUCH! it’s ROCK HARD!” nobody believed that i was referring to the toothbrush that had gone unused for months.

  • redsaid

    2005/02/27 at 10:49 pm

    The high school I went to was very close to the two biggest boys’ high schools in town, so we all shared a bus stop.

    One afternoon as I was entering the bus stop area I was soo engrossed in what I was telling my friends, that I fell.

    Down a manhole.

    Infront of everyone, but especially all those boys!

    Actually, it was still an unfinished manhole (I was so busy chatting that I had apparently managed to overlook all the larger-than-life DANGER! signs posted all around), so luckily it wasn’t too deep, but still… The earth might as well have swallowed me whole for the embarrassment that I felt.

    I was so traumatised that I don’t even remember how I got out (it was deep enough that only my red ponytail was visible, according to my friends). According to those same friends, my rescue involved lots of unflattering views of my very white legs (yes, I’m a very fair-skinned redhead) and my underwear!

    Happy Birthday to Dooce.com!

  • Lynelle

    2005/02/27 at 10:36 pm

    It was the first month of fourth grade at my very small Catholic grammar school and we has a teacher who was brand new to the school that year.

    For some reason, since I was usually a good kid back then, I decided that I didn’t like the way that this teacher wore her hair in the same style every day. I also decided to write it in a note to my friend sitting behind me. Of course , she got the note taken away and as the teacher read it I just remember wanting to crawl into my desk and die.

    To make matters worse, my mother (whom I never told the story to) decided to make friends with this teacher. So not only did I have to live with the humiliation for the rest of that school year, but every time that I ever saw her afterwards the first thing that crossed my mind was “She probably hates me because of that note”.

    It definitely taught me to not pass notes in class!

  • Leah

    2005/02/27 at 10:34 pm

    I was nine. My family was on vacation and we decided to take a horseback ride with a tour group. About ten minutes after we had passed the border between Somewhere and Nowhere and were officially in the middle of the latter, I had to pee. Sitting way up on that horse, spread legged, there was nothing I could do. No way to pinch off, no way to hold it in, no way to dance it off. So I peed. On the horse. Well, in the saddle anyway. My dad made me sit on a towel in the car on the way back to the hotel, and my family continues to bring up the incident at holiday gatherings, moments of great accomplishment, and the first time they meet my friends. So what? I peed a horse. Get over it.

  • beth

    2005/02/27 at 10:14 pm

    My friend Christine had frocked up for the Melbourne Cup (Australia’s biggest horse race) and gone along with her sisters. After many champagnes, she, and a guy she had hooked up with, went into the city to continue their fun. Walking down one of the main streets of Melbourne, Christine felt something falling down her legs. She did a little wiggle, but nothing too violent, because she didn’t want the guy she was with to notice. It didn’t help. She realised that the underpants that she had put on OVER her tights (to keep them up) were totally out of elastic, and they were sliding further and further down and were about to emerge below the hem of her dress. Christine was now moving like one of those people in the ‘walking’ event at the Olympics, but there was nothing that could help her. Her companion, oblivious, kept chatting…and Christine realised that all hope had to be abandoned. Her underpants careered down past her knees, hit her ankles, and kept going. Thanks to luck, and some snappy footwork, she never even stumbled; she just stepped neatly out of them without breaking stride, and left them on the footpath (sidewalk). She thought she had been subtle, but her new friend was crying laughing…
    That is my favourite embarrassment story.

  • beth

    2005/02/27 at 10:03 pm

    My friend Christine had frocked up for the Melbourne Cup (Australia’s biggest horse race) and gone along with her sisters. After many champagnes, she, and a guy she had hooked up with, went into the city to continue their fun. Walking down one of the main streets of Melbourne, Christine felt something falling down her legs. She did a little wiggle, but nothing too violent, because she didn’t want the guy she was with to notice. It didn’t help. She realised that the underpants that she had put on OVER her tights (to keep them up) were totally out of elastic, and they slid further and further down and emerged below the hem of her dress. Christine was now walking like one of those people in the ‘walking’ event at the Olympics, but there was nothing that could help her. Her companion, oblivious, kept chatting…and Christine realised that all hope had to be abandoned. Her underpants careered down past her knees, hit her ankles, and kept going. Thanks to luck, and some snappy footwork, she never even stumbled; she just stepped neatly out of them without breaking stride, and left them on the footpath (sidewalk) alone and forlorn. She thought she had been subtle, but her new friend was crying laughing…
    That is my favourite embarrassment story.

  • usako

    2005/02/27 at 10:01 pm

    um, well, it’s a little x-rated but here goes: you know that SNL skit with christopher walken as Colonel Angus?

    my boyfriend and i were ‘spending time with Colonel Angus’ and as many women know, Colonel Angus sometimes takes a long time to get to the point. i’m generally a very gassy person (love the fart stories dooce!) and there was this one instance where i was so happy to see Colonel Angus that i let a big fart right out in his face.

    he’s a good guest, though, that Colonel Angus, and didn’t take it too personally so we still have visits from him now and again. and something to laugh/go bright red about =)

  • Flancrest Enterprises

    2005/02/27 at 9:59 pm



    The individual who told me that I had gotten my period was the most dreaded teacher in school – Miss Brown, a 70 yr old Facist chain smoking spinster. She had yellow teeth, long hairs on her chin, and a penchant for making even the most obnoxious student weep – abd this was the person who informed me I had just become a woman.

  • Shannon

    2005/02/27 at 9:52 pm

    I don’t quite have any embarrassing things that I can really remember. Though, I do have a story about my sister.

    This will be a story I will be telling every boy my sister invites over, hopefully she’ll really hate me then.

    My parents hosted a birthday party for my sister’s 4th birthday, and the entire class came over to snack on chocolate cake and pop. My sister got some cake on her shirt so my mom told her to go upstairs to change into a new shirt.

    Well, 10 minutes later, we started to wonder what was taking her so long. She came back down, still with the same chocolate smeared shirt, although she smelled somewhat odd. My mom asked her, “Honey, you smeared chocolate on your shirt, so now you have to go get a new shirt. What have you been doing all this time?”

    “Not chocolate anymore, come see my room!”

    She had smeared her own poop all over the walls, huge clumps of it sticking to the walls. There were little toys and even a comb sticking out of the clumps. Before my mom could stop her, she invited everyone, their parents included, to see her art work. I can’t imagine how embarrassed my mom must have been.

  • Flancrest Enterprises

    2005/02/27 at 9:49 pm

    Two things:

    – Muted the phone while on with my boyfriend, TOTALLY blew ass (hardcore, mind you – worthy of moving a desk, or other pieces of classroom furniture) — and found out later that day that the mute button on my phone didn’t work. This wouldn’t be as mortifying if it wasn’t the second week of our relationship, and we definitely hadn’t reached that level of intimacy yet.

    – Eighth grade, got my period for the first time. Wearing light colored jeans. The rest of my classmates thought it was hysterical. Was called Jupiter the rest of that year (because Jupiter has the Great Red Spot).


  • Annie

    2005/02/27 at 9:47 pm

    Once in third grade my teacher (who happened to be very mean) was assigning math problems to random students, who had to do them then present them on the board. Unfortunately at the time, I had to pee very, very badly, and sat there hoping with all my might that she wouldn’t call on me. She did, of course. I just prayed and prayed that I could handle it. I made it through writing the problem, reaching down every few seconds to hold myself in desperation, just hoping no one would notice. To add to my misfortunes, though, several other students were at the board and I was the last in the line to present. I raised my hand and began begging, “Mrs. N! Mrs. N!!” She acknowledged me but wouldn’t let me speak, thinking I wanted to present my math problem then instead of waiting. “No, Mrs. N, please.” She wouldn’t listen. So, getting the most horrific feeling of failure, I realized I wouldn’t make it and peed all over myself. I just said, “Mrs. N, I had an accident.” Only then did she realize what the problem was. She sent me to the bathroom (a little late), and I heard various, oh my god’s and eww’s from the other kids as I sulked out the door. I think my parents had to bring me extra clothes, and once I made it back to class I kept my head down. By then a janitor had been called to the room, and was working on mopping up the yellow puddle by the chalk board.
    The moment has stuck with me for quite awhile.

  • David F

    2005/02/27 at 9:41 pm

    Sorry about the repeat post.. I am so embarrassed!

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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