An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation
  • Monkey Business. heh heh heh heh
    If I hadn’t mended my “monkey=vagina” ways, I’d sure have somethin’ to say about that.
    But of course, I wouldn’t do that, comparing a monkey to a vagina.

    And I would never play Titty Tag.
    You know, like that, I wouldn’t do it.
    Wouldn’t be prudent, not at this juncture.

  • Gave me a permenant aversion to body hair let me tell you what, well that and seeing my parents old Ron Jeremy pornos. hairyhairyhairy

  • The children in our extended family found a SEX BOOK on my mother-in-law’s bookshelf this past Easter Sunday. It was a very traumatic experience for Nana. I’m going to blog about it, but the short version is, when my kid asked her what she was going to do with the book, Nana said she was going to donate it to the HOSPICE. (WTF?!!) I had been very grownup and respectable to that point, but I lost it, then.
    “What? See this picture here? You’re gonna die and you’ll never get to do THAT again!”
    Hospice. Why’d she have to pick hospice? She said she just got flustered and didn’t know what to say.

  • My pajama top says “No Monkey Business”, but it has a smiling monkey on it, so it makes one wonder if the sign is to be enforced…

  • And one old, weird looking condom in it’s wrapper with Hawaiian writing on it that her friend brought back for her.

  • I don’t think I ever knew what I was talking about to begin with.

    Oh god, is that a prerequisite to posting?

    Oh man, I just have to be quiet right now then.

    BUcky, (.)(.) tag, your it.

  • What the hell was her mother thinking I wonder having that book handy for nosey young Catholic girls?

    My mom only had a pair of underwear that had chimps on them and the words, “Let’s Monkey Around.”

  • I was skimming the comments and thought I saw Famous Amos. I came here for cookies. Oh my.

    (CanAmy, I read that book too when I was way too young. Was there some conspiracy to distribute that book to preteens or something?)

  • Geez, yeah. We were “O”bsessed with that book.

  • CanAmy – “The Story of O”


    I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.
    (gawd, did you get your little eyes opened, I bet!)

  • Cause you guys were talking about O’s I felt I had to put that in.

    Even though I don’t really know what you guys are talkin’ about, I am trying to be a good sport and blend in.

  • Camera? Nahh, the old folks home only has a reel to reel 8 mm. You guys will look GREAT.

  • ()@()

  • I dunno about the @.
    Once I was a prison bitch, it was more like 0

  • CanAmy – but the exciting, the really exciting news, is that they’ve just upgraded us to a VCR at the old folks’ home!
    Now we can watch “Murder She Wrote” allllll day long!

    Two can play THAT little game.

  • Man, I remember my best friend and I reading “The Story of O” that her mom had in her bedside table when we were like, 11. THAT was some good readin’.

  • That’s so funny…or at least my reaction whenever I read about kegels. My first thought is that I should be doing them…it’s all that pregnancy conditioning. I always felt guilty when I wasn’t doing them…I guess I can make up for it now.

  • Bucky, your right. Im sorry, I shouldnt blame you for everything.

    I should respect my elders.


  • Awww, now, you hadda go and snap me.

    I have a mind to hike up my Depends and shuffle over there for a good rumble.

    Eh? What were we talkin’ about? Where’s the kleenex I had in my sleeve?

  • Bucky and Jessica, I am just enjoying the show.

  • Bucky, shuffle your old semi famous ass over here with them sleeve kleenex, I still got the cough cough too sick to do the dishes cough going on.

    Dont forget to wear your knee sock support hose, you know what those do to me.

  • Well that is exactly why you are the

    Buck Doggie Dogg, owww, bow wow yo yippie yo yippie yeah, just walking the dawg, the Buck Doggie Dog.

    You so bad ass, aint nobody can touch you.

    Can’t touch this, oh ho oh ho ho, you can’t touch this.

    Just for a minute lets all do the butt.


    You can’t touch this.

  • CanadianAmy, aww thanks. This is just the matinee, you should see what we do for the midnight show!

  • CanAmy – you brought the camera, right?

    Jess – I’m such a badass senior citizen, my varicose veins spell out “Bad Motherfucker”

  • AndiMAC

    Glad everything is ok with Leta…Whew..Bring on Spring!

  • Well Bucky, you push a girl into a corner and you see what happens. Gotta bring out the big guns, or maybe more accurately, the big buns.

    Once a girl gets a Famous Anus she might as well use it to her advantage. And you did want that autograph, no?
    @@@@@@ awww ya, its getting all fiesty up in here.

    See what being first does to me? So out of control. I blame you Bucky, cause If I wasnt up emailing you, I wouldnt of been first so there!

  • Oh now see, you had to go there. And the kids are going to their dads tonight and I got a fridge full of Koolaid too. You wench!

    Bucky, Im just sayin, its so on now. Its SO feakin on!


  • Oh god, you brought out the Famous Anus!
    Gumby is mine…your Famous Anus cannot have him until my moderately notorious ass is done with him.

  • Sheesh, I get blamed for everything! And I’m only really responsible for like 85% of it.

    Whoa, better let that autograph dry before I shut my scrapbook.

  • yeah thats we he said 😉

  • Dick Pryor

    That post is a rip-off of a great Richard Pryor piece where he says how painful it is for a man to do that.

  • Jessica –
    That lightning bolt was meant for you, I think.
    Thou shalt do kegels with Geritol.

  • I get it. Leta’s is a cheeseburger, and yours is a bagel. Makes sense to me!

  • Bucky, who said I dont already do them? hmmm??

    And fling all the bolts you need, Im dodging and dipping and diving and ducking and dodging like a MoFo over here.

  • Wait, If I am a Mo then does being a MoFo just make me a chronic masturbator?

  • I’m told that chronic often leads to masturbation, often with a handful of french fries.

    Mmmmmmm, greeeeeasy!

  • Ern

    Awww, bucky!

    Pretty impressive that Heather can do that mid-stream stop POST-CHILD BIRTH! I’ve got some exercising to do!

  • I don’t even know what Geritol is I am so young and such a nice girl.

    I do however know what kegels are, and I know they arent just good for helping with labor, heh.

  • well, amy, you may want to watch something about waterfowl – its called Time To Talk About Opera, and I don’t know the full list of PBS stations that carry it, all I know is that Flint is one of them. It will be on at least 4 times that I know of. I just want a well-written bio so I don’t sound like DORK, although I’m happy to be one here at dooce.

  • Hey, bagels, kegels…
    Could one use a stale bagel for kegels?

    Makes its own cream cheese!

  • Bucky, I am so there! I just gotta get my walker dusted off.

  • My candles smell like candy corn.

  • Oh, you had to go and bring the walker into this, did you?
    Hands off my Geritol, grasshopper.

  • My candy corn smells like candles.

  • hey! I get Michigan PBS here in Canada! Its one of my HDTV channels! So what’s the show?

  • Please tell me it is something other than a special on waterfowl or national parks.

  • I’ve been wondering about mows too, wrote him and no response either. Tried Tifnee’s site and registered and all….still nothing. Can’t figure it all out…guess I’m challenged???

  • ’tis Spring, and macro-shots of flowers are in style yet again.

    Glad to hear of Leta’s report!

  • mouse and family appear to be taking a break from blogging. don’t know why; hope it’s for happy reasons.

  • Bucky, guidelines? Oh crap, I know that means trouble and I am terrible about following rules…

    instructions however, I am better with.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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