Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

And behold, Jon and Heather begat Leta, and yea, she was very stubborn

Yesterday was particularly difficult if only because Leta did not want to go easily. Her sedative had to be delivered intravenously and I thought she might actually punch the nurse who was trying to find a viable vein. I cried, she wailed. Jon had to hold her tightly so that the building wouldn’t collapse under the might of her tantrum.

She fought the sedative even as they put her into the MRI chamber. The nurses and technicians looked at us like WHAT HAST THOU BEGOTTEN? I answered, “She’s, um, a tiny bit stubborn,” perhaps the understatement of the century.

After the procedure and another hour of sleep she awoke and again tried to deny the fact that she was drunk. Later as we were driving home we would prompt her to say HI and she would lift up her droopy head and bellow HHHHIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAHHHHHH as if she were a 300 pound beer-bellied bar troll with breath that could melt the skin off your face. I’ve never seen my mother laugh so hard.

We spent nearly four hours at the hospital and after waiting patiently enough I finally asked one of the nurses about whether or not we’d be able to talk to the radiologist. She said he’d be in shortly, so I had my mother run out and get Jon (we were taking turns in the recovery room where only two parents/relatives were allowed to attend to the patient). Before Jon could return to the recovery room the radiologist walked into the room, whispered to the nurse something about Which one is Leta? This made my stomach lurch into my mouth, WHY IS HE WHISPERING, WHISPERING IS BAD, WHISPERS ARE FOR SECRETS. I HATE SECRETS.

And then he looked up at me, grinned and said, “She’s fine.” And then he walked out of the room.

That was it.

I simultaneously wanted to throttle him and promise to name my next child after him.

Leta is fine. Her body is whole and perfectly intact. We are blessed. This means that there is nothing wrong with her development, only that she is REALLY DAMN STUBBORN. Alas, there is no pill for stubborn.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts and vibes and high-fives. They helped more than you’ll ever know.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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