the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Chimmy Chimmy BREAK DOWN!

My babysitter graduated high school a couple weeks ago and afterward her mother threw her a small dinner party with friends and family. We would have been there but we were on our way to South Carolina at the time, so I gave her a present beforehand with a little requisite advice for someone about to enter the world: PLAY HARD.

Word is that her boy Chimmy, real name Roberto (he’s from Peru and speaks Spanish as a first language), was at the party. Chimmy is apparently the first boyfriend that the parents and sisters truly like, because, I mean, what’s not to like? He’s Peruvian. You cannot possibly say that word without loving it and the person it describes. Paahhhhrooooohveeeuuunn. Aren’t you in love?

Plus, Chimmy carried in a 200 pound box of cookware that I bought Jon for Father’s Day and stored it in our basement. I can mention here that I bought Jon new cookware for two reasons: 1) NOW HE WILL LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT THE COOKWARE, and 2) I thought yesterday was Father’s Day. Guess what? It wasn’t.

At the babysitter’s graduation party everybody was talking about Chimmy when somebody asked what his last name was. I don’t know much about Peruvians because I studied French in college, an endeavor that has left me with 30% fewer brain cells. But I guess those Peruvians have two last names. TWO! Which I find so endearing because WHY STOP AT ONE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE TWO?

His real last name is very dramatic and Spanish and quite a mouthful BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO OF THEM, and once my babysitter announced it to the room her mother, out loud, in total seriousness with not a drop of irony gasped, “You mean it’s THAT? All this time I thought it was Chonga.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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