the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Pillow talk

“How does mine sound?

“It sounds like, knuuuooouuuuggghhh, peeeewww, knuuuooouuuuggghhh, peeeewww.”

“It’s that fast?”

“Yeah, sometimes I wonder how you can consume so much oxygen while expelling so little carbon monoxide. But you’re asleep so I don’t worry about you passing out.”

“You mean carbon dioxide?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Is it loud? You’d tell me if it was loud, right? My God, how often do I do it?”

“It’s not that loud, at least not loud enough that I can’t get back to sleep if it wakes me up. And, I dunno, maybe you do it every other night, maybe all the time. It’s not really a problem.”

“You wanna know how yours sounds?”

“Not really, no. I’d like to pretend I don’t ever do it.”

“Oh, come on. If mine’s not that bad then yours could be considered cute.”

“No, no stop.”

“Yes, it’s like a little whisper: gnauwwwwww, ssseeeuuu, gnauwwwwww, ssseeeuuu. It’s perfect. It’s the perfect snore.”

“Is it The Perfect Snore, starring George Clooney?”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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